If I Could Be Who You Wanted - Chapter 1

The last year had passed swiftly and without much joy. It was hard to pinpoint what was wrong, exactly, but Harmony now seemed to have this haze residing over it that couldn't be shaken. But to say it was entirely misrable would be a lie.

The letters still haunted his dreams at night, one year later. The scrawly script flashed through his mind over and over again until it became a blurred image. But the words were still so clear; so hauntingly clear.

Pilair had done her best to reassure him that it wasn't his fault; that he couldn't possibly have seen it coming. Everytime he read Kay's goodbye letter, he knew otherwise. He should have paid attention to the signs, and then maybe he could have stopped her.

Maybe.

But he had no way of knowing.

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It was pitch black in the Lopez Fitzgerald house that night, as Miguel lay upon the stiff, clamy sheets of his bed trying to ease himself into slumber. After all; tomorrow was a big day for him and he didn't want to wear himself out.

He was starting his first day of college in the next state, and the thought scared him stiff. All his life he had Pilair and his older brother Luis around to protect him from anything wrong that may arise in his life. Now he was going away with few people in his corner.

There was always Charity, of course. Sweet, innocent Charity with her piercing blue eyes and long blond hair cascading down her back. She should have been the girl of his dreams, but she wasn't - he knew that deep in his heart, if he ever truly admitted it. He did love her, but love wasn't always the answer to things as he had found out the previous year. In his case, sometimes love went terribly wrong.

She had loved him, with the whole of her heart, and he had rejected her without even knowing it. Everytime Kay saw him holding hands, or kissing Charity, she felt rejected. She had told him so in the letter.

But he didn't want to think about the letter; not now. That was a memory that deserved to be shoved into the furthest corners of his mind.

Restless sleep overtook his tired body, but her face didn't fade from his vison. That was going to take a lot more work.

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Dear Miguel, I love you. But then again, you already know that don't you? How could you not? Didn't you hear the high-pitched note my voice would take on everytime we talked; always uncertain of what I would say around you. I remember a time when things were different though. And I can't help wishing things were the same, because maybe I wouldn't be in this mess. Maybe I would love myself again. Because I don't think I do now, Miguel. You've rejected me too many times, without knowing it. Everytime I saw you with Charity my heart felt like it was being pulled out and smashed on the ground.
You yanked my heart back and forth on a string. You gave me faulse hope by saying if Charity had never come to town you would love me. Would was the key word, wasn't it Miguel? Or had. Always past tense; never present.
But despite all that, I still love you. I love what we had - our friendship, I mean. Maybe because of that I made you into something you weren't. I had this fixed childhood image of you in my head, and for that I'm sorry.
You aren't the reason I left, at least not entirely. I had my own problems to deal with, but then you never cared enough to notice. Sorry, I'm getting bitter here. But it's hard not to be bitter when you've been raped. So this is goodbye. Goodbye childhood. Goodbye innocense. Goodbye Kay Bennett as she was.
Don't forget her.

Love,
Kay

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"Mijo, have you remembered to pack enough clean underwear?" Pilair asked her son the next morning, as she fretted over last minute details.

Miguel had to laugh. Mama was such a worrywart! He supposed he couldn't blame her, after he left she would be left with an empty nest. It didn't help that her husband had been missing for the last seventeen years either.

Tears filled Pilair's eyes just then and she went to embrace her youngest son. "I'm going to miss you so much, Miguel. More than you'll ever know. Promise that you'll always stay in touch."

Miguel smiled warmly at his mother. "How could I not, Mama?"

Luis came into the doorway, carrying a large cardboard box filled to the brim. "Let me just load this into the car and then we'll be ready to go,"

"Okay," Miguel sighed, showing signs of home sickness already. His family had always been tight knit, and now he was going to be seperated from them for the next four years. But Luis had insisted on him attending college, and Miguel couldn't really refuse Luis anything considering the fact that Luis had put his entire life on hold for his family. That was the type of dedication that Miguel hoped to achieve someday.

"I bet you're excited about spending so much time with Charity," Pilair's voice cut through the silence. Miguel knew that she was trying to focus on something positive for a change, as hard as that was for her. "Your dorms are right across the street from each other so-"

"Mama," Miguel cleared his throat. "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"What is it, mijo?" Pilair asked, worried. The expression on her son's face was not a pleasent one.

"Charity and I have, well, decided to take some time apart from each other. Just to see what else is out there. You know, we've been dating for the last two and a half years and we haven't really had a chance to meet new people."

Pilair raised her eyebrow. "And you're afraid you're missing out on something, is that it? This wouldn't have anything to do with what happened to Kay, would it?"

"No, Mama," Miguel reassured her. "What happened with Kay was over a year ago. I still miss her very much, but I have to get on with my life. College is starting, the whole world is out there waiting. These are supposed to be some of the best times of my life; I can't afford to be chained to one girl, that's all."

"I'm sure whatever you've decided, it will be for the best," Pilair was starting to tear up again, and before she could get too emotional Luis came back into the house.

"Time to go, champ," he slapped Miguel on the back, causing him to tumble forward a little.

"Geez, you don't have to kill me," Miguel joked, gasping for breath. On a more serious note he added, "Mama, I promise I'll call you as soon as I get there. And don't worry about me. We Lopez Fitzgeralds have learned to fend for ourselves."

Pilair gave out a bittersweet laugh, a hint of sadness tracing her voice but she managed to cover it up with a "Study hard. Make me even prouder of you than I already am, if that's possible."

"I'll try my best," Miguel hugged his mother, letting some tears from his own eyes flow free. This was the hardest thing he ever had to do; besides saying goodbye to Kay. "I love you, Mama. Thank you for everything you've done for us over the years."

As he strolled to the car, he looked back once at his tiny shack-like house. Pilair stood there, tears streaming down her face but she wore a determined smile. She was a survivor, Miguel knew.

If only he could be as strong.