This is what happens when I go thirty-six hours without sleep. Enjoy.
It all started rather innocently. A certain Claire Weiss, lackey extraordinaire to one Agent Blake, was in Medical, hunting around for someone - Joanna? Julia? No, it was Jo-something - to turn in medical files for an agent who couldn't be bothered to do it themselves. She had absolutely no idea where she was supposed to be going, since her handler kind of kept her cooped up all day in an office (thank you very much, Blake), and every room in Medical looked the same. It was after her third (or was it fourth?) left turn that she finally saw - or rather, heard - signs of life.
"Dammit Coulson, no!" That sounded oddly like deputy Director Hill. And Coulson? That must mean...
"Relax, Maria. It'll only hurt for a few seconds, I promise." Dear God, it was Agent Coulson.
"Are you kidding me? It's gigantic!"
"If you say so, Maria." Claire had to stop and turn away from the door she was eavesdropping behind. If they were talking about what she thought they were... Ew, ew, ew, she thought, cringing a little, they couldn't do this somewhere other than Medical?
"You know I don't do this very often, Phil. I mean, I can't even remember the last time..." Just then, Jasper Sitwell appeared around a corner, humming tunelessly to himself. His brow furrowed when he caught sight of Claire, who hastily put a finger to her lips and beckoned him over to the door. He joined her at her post and put an ear to the door at Claire's silent prompting.
"I'm pretty sure it was Abidjan, 2004," Coulson replied.
"Ah, yes, that was fun." There was a sort of squelching noise and then a harsh intake of breath from Maria. "Phil-"
"Relax. It'll hurt less." Sitwell was gaping like a fish and Claire had her phone out, texting Bennie. Her partner in eavesdropping crime followed suit and less than a minute later, a vent grate was kicked out from above them. Sitwell caught it with ease and the Black Widow and Hawkeye themselves flipped out of the grates. Jasper pointed at the door and the two master assassins positioned themselves against the door.
"Aaah - dammit, Phil, ow," they heard from inside.
"Don't worry, it'll stop hurting in a moment. Your body'll adjust." Natasha kept an impressive straight face while Clint opened his mouth and pretended to gag.
"There, all done. Now was that so bad?" Phil finished the final suture on Maria's shoulder - number thirty-two, he had counted - and taped a piece of gauze over it.
Maria pulled her catsuit back up over her shoulders and made a face at him. "Okay, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but it could've gone a lot easier for both parties." Coulson just smiled and headed for the door, which slid open to reveal what looked like half of S.H.I.E.L.D. standing outside the door. Expressions ranged from the half-disgusted, half-scared, openmouthed stare on Agent Weiss's face to Natasha's amused half-smirk. Even Director Fury was there, and he hastily hid his hand - which had several green somethings in it - behind his back.
Agent Weiss's mouth was opening and closing like a fish. "You... you..." She seemed to be unable to form a complete sentence, staring back and forth between the two agents. "You-"
"Were stitching up a three-inch laceration on Agent Hill's shoulder," Coulson finished calmly. "Why, what did you think we were doing?"
Fury ships it.
