Author's Note: Um, this is another story to entertain my wife yunakitty. Well, she was complaining about how it's not considered canon to put Yuna and Seymour in a consensual relationship, but she thinks the dude is hot and wants to make Yuna sex him up for reals. So I said I was going to write a story for all the haters…
Seymour is advancing on Yuna. "I've got you now," he says menacingly.
"What are you going to do?" Yuna whimpers.
"I'm going to do you," Seymour answers.
Yuna smiles. "Oh, well, that's okay! I think you're hella hot anyway." She hikes up her skirt.
Seymour backs away, frowning. "Wait a minute, that's not canon."
"Canon, schmanon; I want some sex!"
But all that is interrupted as a Stride van pulls up with a screech! A kangaroo and two guys jump out. "Get the gum! Get the girl!" the man in black shouts. The kangaroo kicks Seymour in the stomach, takes his chewing gum, while the other guy grabs Yuna and stuffs her in the van. They screech off, leaving Seymour to stare after them.
"Well, that wasn't very canon," he huffs, his hands on his hips.
Meanwhile, Tidus is getting gay with blitz ball. And then he's playing hackey sack with some fat kid. Wakka's on the side lines, asking, "Hey! When's it gonna be my turn!" over and over again, and he's eating a Butterfinger.
Auron, who just happens to be there, looks at Wakka. "You're never going to get your turn," he tells him. "Just come have some booze with me." He holds up his jug.
"Nah, I'm enjoying my Butterfinger," Wakka says. Auron cusses him under his breath and stumbles off.
Suddenly, Tidus stops playing hackey sack and grabs his stomach. "Aw, man, I feel like I just had a raw dog."
"WTF does that mean?" Wakka asks.
"You know. It's like, when you're at a cookout, and you eat one of those hot dogs that is way too bright red. It doesn't matter how much ketchup and mustard you put on it, or how long you cook it, it still tastes raw. So anyway, you eat it, and you feel sick. Like you've had too much sugar, and the back of your throat feels funny. You try to take a drink from your glass, but it smells like milk and ass from being out in the heat. You look over, and there's this Dachshund sitting there, panting. That's when you know you've had a raw dog."
Wakka just blinks at him. "Man, that was unnecessarily complicated and random."
"I know," says Tidus, proudly. Whatever, that guy is a total douche bag. No wonder Yuna hopped on the Guado sexpress train.
All of the sudden Pac Man runs up out of nowhere! "I've been chompin!" he shouts.
"The hell you doing here, Pac Man?" Tidus asks.
"How do you get to Maury Povich's studio?" Pac Man asks him.
"Hell if I know," Tidus answers.
"Thanks," Pac Man says, rather unnecessarily, and speeds off. Everyone is left scratching their heads.
Just like you, dear readers. And I hope that taught you all a lesson. That lesson being; CANON SCHMANON. He didn't sexually assault her in the game, so that's as much canon as whatever happy smut my wife is writing. Bah.
