Dear Isabella,
Edward has told me to
This wasn't working.
The third paper ball gone thrown towards the bin. Towards, but not in. My aim was as good as my throw. Appalling. Sighing and deciding that the blackened skies permitted me to throw down my sword and admit defeat, I dragged myself from the wheelie chair and flopped down on my bed heavily.
Edward was hunting. Clever man that he was told me that I had to have space if I was going to do this. This being his idea anyway. His stupid idea that he had told me would make things so much easier. The defeat made me feel crumby, so I curled up on my bed, toed off my shoes and let sleep take me.
"Stop glaring at me."
He didn't relent.
"Stop glaring at me, please."
With a loud sigh, I sat upright on the bed and glared back at him. His glare didn't shift at all, in fact all my actions did was cause his eyebrow to twitch. A sure sign that he was fighting a smile. I didn't want him to smile. He knew this after all, which was why he was at least making an effort with this.
"You are completely hopeless." I sighed in exasperation. Truthfully, I was irritated. And annoyed. And a little tired. But mostly just irritated.
Finally he let his laughter loose as he joined me on the bed, laying on his side next to me and resting his head in his hand as he smiled down at me. "It's not my fault I can't say no to you." he chuckled as he pressed a soft kiss to my pouting lips. I liked seeing this side of Edward. Now that Victoria was gone, and the Volturi situation was on its sure way to being remedied, he was more... cheerful. There was still brooding, but he laughed and smiled more now.
"Yes it is." I protested stubbornly with a sigh as I crossed my arms across my chest even though I was laid down. "Doesn't it bother you at all that we've never had an argument?"
He pondered my question for me moment, probably and finally seeing how serious I was about this. He retracted his fingers, which had previously been sliding through my hair, and sighed as his brow pinched together. Oops. Happy Edward was gone again.
"I don't see why you're so obsessed with it. I think it's good that we don't argue." his voice had a soft quality to it, and I could easily identify his persuasive tone by now. Damn him. Well, this time it was not working. Edward thought I was stubborn. Well, he hadn't seen anything yet.
"I am not obsessed with it. Arguing is normal." I persisted, letting the annoyance show in my voice.
Edward rolled onto his back next to me and sighed deeply. I wasn't dropping this – we both knew it.
"But we're not normal Bella. We never have been."
I hated when he said that. It was like just because I was with him, I wasn't human anymore. Like just because he acted different, that he wasn't just like me on the inside, or the outside really. I hated the lines he drew between us all the time. I found a pillow and smacked him in the face with it. It was better than my hand.
"Shut up talking like that. You're like me, but a little modified. You act like you're some sort of alien."
"I'm not like you Bella. The sooner you realise this the better." He grumbled.
"Don't patronise me Edward. Regardless of what you seem to think, I am not a child." I released the pillow and climbed off the bed.
"Then stop acting like a child. I'm a vampire, not some cuddly toy. You can't tame me!"
He was stood at the other side of the bed too fast for my eyes to follow. His eyes glowed an onyx, making his pale skin seem somewhat luminescent.
"I'm not trying to to tame you! But you're drawing so many lines between us, all the time, that I don't even know what to think!"
My voice was getting progressively louder as we faced off against one another on either side of the bed. I paused for a moment and tried to gauge if Edward was simply humouring me again or whether he was honestly pissed. When I saw his hand clench into fists, I settled for the pissed option.
"I don't draw lines between us." His words were more of a hiss, a buzz.
"Yes you do!" I cried. "All the time! My nickname is 'the human', you go out of your way to accommodate me for everything, and you're obsessed with the two of us being different!"
"Why wouldn't I accommodate you?" The fight seemed to drain from his voice as his brow pinched together. He was loosing the energy to carry this on, just like usual. He would back down and request that he do this another time.
"You want me to fit in with your family? To feel comfortable here? With you?"
He nodded, looking somewhat fearful as I stalked up to him in anger. How could he not realise this by now.
"The first time I came here, you told me that this was the one and only place you could be yourselves. Correct?"
When he nodded I continued in the same ranting way. "But you don't. When I'm here, you change – everyone does. Do you think it makes me feel better when you act human? Or when you slow down or point out my human qualities?" I saw the fear and revelled in it. Finally. "I feel like a fucking inconvenience because you dance around me."
I stepped back, feeling the words forming on my tongue and knowing the pain they would inflict. But they had to be said. He had to know.
"Most of the time I don't think I even know you. You act so human all the time around me – you act all the time around me." I shook my head as I seethed. "How do I even know you when you hide so much from me?"
I didn't look back as I exited the room, but I knew he wouldn't follow. Not after the words I had spoken. I hadn't looked at him while I spoke. I couldn't. Edward didn't like to fight. He usually let me win and then backed off as I calmed down. And then the whole thing would be swept under the carpet.
I don't know what I expected to find when I went downstairs. I contemplated going home, but I wasn't that mad. I didn't want Edward to have a full blown panic attack. I had forgotten that Edward and I were the only ones in the house though. since Victoria was gone there was no need to have strict hunting schedules. Plus Alice had said that this was another present for the two of us. I didn't see the point. Edward wasn't budging on the whole sex thing.
I hoped Emmett wouldn't mind if I hooked up his Xbox. There was no way I was going to go and talk to Edward right now. We both needed some time and space to cool down anyway. Killing a load of avatar men who were trying to kill me seemed like the best way to work out any issues. The summer spent with the Pack helped my gaming skills improve significantly.
I wasn't sure how long I sat playing the same game, but I was having fun with it, surprisingly. It reminded me of when I spent all those weeks in La Push, letting the fun and easy relationships of the Pack slowly heal my broken spirit and heart.
"What'cha doing down there?"
It was a tribute to my dedication to the game that I didn't even jump when Emmett's voice sounded from somewhere above me. In some victory and excited move, I had moved from the sofa to the floor in an attempt to get closer to the television.
"Playing." I gritted my teeth as I gunned down another blue guy before he got one of my men.
"Not bad." Emmett hummed in ascent before I saw his hulking mass sit down next to me. On the floor. And here I was thinking that such basic necessities were beyond such refined vampires such as the Cullen's.
"There's one hiding behind-" he began.
"Shut up." I didn't usually growl when I spoke, but there was still a lingering anger towards Edward in my head. Those little blue men didn't stand a chance against my wrath. Emmett was quiet for a long moment and the sound of me shooting the hell out of a group of enemy troops filled the room.
"Relationship troubles?"
Was I really going to get into this with Emmett?
"You could say that."
I guess I was.
"What's he done this time?" Emmett chuckled, seeming to be quite content to sit beside me as I massacre imaginary men on his game.
"That's the point." I paused as I passed the fourteenth level and my scores came up on the screen. "Whenever one of us is angry, he refuses to acknowledge it. It's infuriating." I killed the first man I saw and sighed in irritation as I realised he was one of my own troops. "And that's not even talking about the stuff we get angry about."
I wondered if Edward was home and listening to this. I quickly found that I didn't care. I was sick of his attitude, and how he would suddenly shut down and treat me like some little child.
"You're his mate. It's kinda his duty to make sure you're happy and safe." Emmett defended his brother and I sighed again.
"You and Rose fight all the time. Just little arguments. That's all I'm asking for – just some way to air all the shit floating around in my head." I forcefully shot blindly at a moving target, and when I glanced at Emmett I found him smirking down at me. "Yeah, I'm not as passive as I seem. Shocker."
"And sarcasm too." Emmett threw an arm around my shoulders and laughed, annoying me even more because he was enjoying my sour mood. "I think I'm gunno like having you around forever."
I remained silent.
"So how long as this been building?"
I felt resignation well inside of me but I pushed it away. It was easier to have this conversation if I was angry. "Since you all got back." I knew he would understand what I meant.
He whistled quietly, realising that that had been almost a year ago now. "Wow. You can hold a lot of shit inside." He sounded appraising but I snorted. It wasn't a good thing. "What changed then?"
"I could do what I wanted when you left. I had no psychic watching my future for my death, I had no vampires stalking my steps to make sure I don't fall. I was... normal. And then I got in with Jake, and they were just so normal, but just with a few advantages, you know? I felt like I just fit in there. There were no lines drawn, no distinctions made. We were all just... the same." I sensed Emmett's hesitation at the mention on Jake and the Pack, so I continued.
"When I moved from Jacksonville, I was used to being in charge and being the one making all the decisions. When I moved here, and met you guys, I went from carer to baby. In some ways, I hated it and still do. I used to be independent. Hell, I used to be a feminist!" I cried in disbelief. "But it's kinda hard to hold onto that stuff around you guys. I went from being a provider to being this weak, slow human who everyone had to pander to-" I began to pound the buttons of the control pad, my eyes fixed on the point on the television. "-and God forbid I do something that one of you deems wrong."
"We're just trying to look out for you." Emmett squeezed my shoulders gently, but I refused to allow the guilt inside.
"I know. But I'm a human, as you are all pretty intent on reminding me every time I see you." I spat. "And I can't live like you and you're set regulated rules. I need to do stuff; stupid, reckless and random stuff that makes no sense at all." I continued. "And then I don't need to come back and be reprimanded like a fucking toddler just because I did something you don't approve of."
"Don't you think you should be telling this to Edward?"
Landmine! Landmine! Step back! Take cover!
"Why do you think I'm here? He's God knows where hiding because he doesn't want to fucking disturb this stupid happiness he thinks we have going on! I can't talk to him because all he does is dismiss my words! He doesn't fucking listen to a word I say!"
"Okay, okay, okay..." Emmett's mantra rang in my head as I ranted and raved, my eyes not seeing the television and my hands numb to the plastic in my hand. Quickly, Emmett reached over to my controller and pressed the pause button before taking it from my hand and setting it down on the floor. I heard a quite 'Jesus Christ' slip from him as he shuffled closer and hugged me to him.
It was too much. The anger drained out of me as defeat hit. I could feel the tears coming, right on time. Apparently Emmett did too. "Please Bella. Please don't cry. Fuck... I can handle angry, but not the tears. Please don't cry."
His pleas only made my tears come faster and I buried my face in my hands as my shoulders shook. When did I turn into such a pathetic wimp? What happened to the girl who couldn't give a damn what anyone thought of her? Where was the girl who didn't need a man, or anyone in fact, to make her whole? A man doesn't make you, and no man would make me, me.
"God..." I choked out, realising with disgust what I had been reduced to. Sat on the floor, while my other half was God knows where, crying because we couldn't even have a fight. Because he was a complete ass. Because I loved him so much that when I was with him, I didn't care. But now I do, now that I had a taste for freedom, it seemed to slap me in the face at every turn. Because now, every word, every embrace was smothering me.
"This is ridiculous." I wiped my eyes despite the fact that even more tears were falling. I sniffed and hugged Emmett briefly before standing shakily. I had been sat on the floor for about three hours, if the clock on the mantle was correct, and my ass was numb and painful.
"You okay?" Emmett set his hands on my shoulders and peered down at me with concern shining in his eyes. I knew he loved me, just as I loved him. But his loyalties lay with his brother. They were family after all, vampires born from the same sire. Brothers. I was merely an accessory to said brother. A human.
I nodded stiffly, taking a stuttering breath and glancing at the stairs. "He's gone. He wasn't here when Rosie and I got home."
Great, so Rosalie heard all that. I guess that just burned every bridge I had managed to build with her. But my heart didn't bleed at the loss. I needed to grow a backbone. I was done being the weakling in the house of powerful creatures. I didn't care how slow I was.
Again, I nodded and stepped out from Emmett's grip. His arms fell to his sides as sadness crossed his face. "I have to leave." I croaked, raking a hand through my hair but ripping it away when I realised I had picked up the habit from Edward.
To my surprise, Emmett nodded solemnly. "Alice saw that you would. She didn't know exactly, but she said it had to happen." His eyes watched me closely for any signs of hesitation. I made sure he found none.
Why was Alice so happy when she left us together then?
"Tell Edward..." I walked passed Emmett and headed for the door, fetching my keys from the depths of my jacket pocket. I paused at the door, realising that I still hadn't finished my sentence. I turned and smiled sadly as Emmett had turned to watch me leave. "Tell him to leave me alone for a while. If I want to talk, I'll phone him."
"Do you really expect him to wait?"
I sighed and shook my head before turning back and opening the door. "He won't have a choice."
–
Charlie wasn't happy. But then you wouldn't have guessed it from the large smile adorning his face as he drove me to the airport. His face had paled and then turned a shocking puce upon hearing that I was going to Jacksonville to visit Renee. There were no buts about it. I was going, and he knew he couldn't stop me, but that didn't stop him from trying.
That was, until he found out my reasoning behind my little trip. He had tried to contain his glee when I told him that Edward and I were on a break and spending some time apart. Of course, upon hearing that I had been the one to initiate the break he had let his grin loose and it hadn't dimmed in the slightest since.
"You'll be back for college, right?" Charlie hugged me tightly as my flight got called.
I scoffed, looking up at my dad with a smirk. "I won't be gone that long. I just need to clear my head." I assured him, dodging the bullet rather nicely if I do say so myself. I had conveniently forgotten to have mentioned my college of choice to my dad. I hadn't even affirmed that I was attending. I guess it was just assumed nowadays.
As soon as I boarded that plane, I plugged my headphones in and skipped past all the recent additions. My old playlist had been sorely neglected over the past year and a half, as had my old friends and sensibilities. Like never getting married at eighteen!
I hadn't taken the engagement ring off of my finger. This was just a break after all, not a break up.
I just hoped that Edward knew that.
