Disclaimer: Jeez, it's been forever since I've said this but I do not own Final Fantasy VIII or any of it's characters and locations.

Please enjoy, read and review. I'm uber rusty. Keep noted that this is for the The Successor Challenge for the month of August 2015. Yes, it seems super sad and depressing in this chapter, but it gets better and more sappy. I promise!


It happened the same way every time, yet somehow it always hurt just the same. The first time was the worst – he was gone three weeks in Esthar negotiating her freedom and rights as a sorceress. He wasn't allowed to speak to her for the duration of the trip and she sat at the mercy of her television screen every time the subject scrolled across the bottom edge.

She cried when he left and she cried when he came home. She would sulk each time he received the news at work because although their apartment is small, it's empty without the fresh smell off his body wash and aftershave.

Rinoa's gotten used to his smell, his gloveless touch and his consistent presence in their home but she knew that eventually it would happen again.

Her ideas are confirmed when she hears the door close with a light click. Normally, Squall either slams the door or at least makes a louder noise because he's beyond thankful to be within the four walls of their small flat and away from the paperwork that Cid is too lazy to do. He always calls for her and walks into the kitchen to see what's for dinner.

But it happens the same way every time and it always starts with a silent entrance and a gentle click.

Rinoa knows he's home because she feels the January wind flow through the door. Her hair stands on end and she wraps her sweater tighter around her. She can hear Squall's footsteps over the sizzling of the vegetables in the frying pan. When he presses against her, snaking his arms around her waist, she sighs and reaches for the sauce beside the stove.

"How long?"

"Three days."

"Where?"

"Dollet. I leave tomorrow night."

Too much of the liquid falls into the pan and it splatters across the white surface of the stove. Rinoa mutters several curses under her breath, misdirecting her anger at the mess on the stove instead of at the correct source: the distance that would be between her and her Knight. At that moment, Squall swipes the stove with a wet cloth, nudging Rinoa aside so she could go sit down. He takes over the cooking while Rinoa pulls her knees up to her chest on the small dining room chair ten feet away.

"I thought you told Cid about last minute business trips?" Rinoa rubs the heels of her feet against the edge of the chair, relieving whatever pressure had been built up from being on her feet for the past thirty minutes of cooking. Squall had always told her to wear slippers, that they're comfortable and better for her feet, but Rinoa preferred to go barefoot since she had done it for ages.

She hates it when he leaves, though, even if it's for a couple of days.

The house is empty and lifeless aside from her and Angelo. She would invite Selphie or Quistis over for dinner, or even to stay the night, but she always feels like such a burden. Besides, perhaps a sleepover at twenty-two years of age is a bit much…all they would do is sit around, drink some cheap wine and watch movies that were the worst rated on television but Rinoa is always afraid that she'll bring them down to where she is in this moment in time.

Lately life has been staying still. She became so used to the upbeat pace of life during and a couple year post war that life now seems to be completely stagnant. Rinoa spends her days at her computer in her and Squall's bedroom, writing her novellas that manage to get her mind out of a depressive state. She writes beneath a penname so her writing sells efficiently; people definitely still wouldn't buy from a sorceress although she had been deemed safe for years at this point. She has three books under her belt as well as an anonymous advice column in the Balamb Bay. All of this is a source of income for her, and it makes things easier especially when she substitutes at Balamb to teach magic classes, but it's not the same, and it's not consistent, and she likes her life to be that way. The years of the inefficient life-style, going to bars and fighting battles beside her friends was over. She wants a normal life with a normal flow and it doesn't seem to be happening for her.

All Rinoa hears is a soft monotone hum now. Everything is the same, everything is empty. Everyone is moving forward with their lives and it's like she's miles behind in a pool of quicksand.

"…And so he thought it was acceptable to book me last minute."

Coming out of her fog, Rinoa's nose fills with the spicy sweet smell of the chicken stir fry with far too much sauce. Squall places a bowl in front of her and hands her a fork but she just stares at the food, unaroused by its appearance.

"Are you going to eat?"

Rinoa keeps her eyes fixated on the edge of the plate; she doesn't know why but it seems like the easiest and cleanest part of the plate to look at.

"Did you take your medicine today?"

Rinoa looks up, glaring at her partner. "Of course I took my medicine today."

Squall stabs a snap pea with his fork, placing it in his mouth without removing his eyes from his girlfriend. At this point, after being together for four years, they knew each other inside and out. The way Rinoa has been acting these past couple months definitely wasn't the Rinoa he knew and had fallen in love with all those years ago. He looks at her now as if she's a husk of someone he once knew; she doesn't smile like she used to – with the light and the sparkle in her eyes. She wouldn't laugh at the things she normally laughed at and when he started to come home to less and less baked goods, he felt like something was off. One day he found her in the bathtub, just staring lifelessly at her toes peeking out from under the bubbles.

"My life isn't moving," she had said as he knelt beside her, taking her hand. He saw her chin grinding back and forth, her teeth whining from within her mouth at the sudden pressure from trying not to cry, "I feel…stuck…and worthless."

He had pulled her out of the bath, wrapping her in a towel and laying her in bed. He's her knight and he had to do everything in his power to get her back to who she truly is. He got her her favorite dinner that night, watched her favorite movie with her and let her sleep on his chest although she knew he couldn't sleep like that because it hurt his shoulder.

All he felt was the heat from her tears pool on his shoulder. He took her to Dr. Kadowaki the next day and she was put on medication.

Now he monitors her and makes sure she eats at least two meals a day. He knows she spends most of her days writing because that's all what seems to make her happy these days. Well, that and sleeping. He makes sure she doesn't sleep too much so she doesn't get accustomed to escaping her problems. She seems to be getting better; she's cooking more and sometimes smiling more. It's when he needs to come home and tell her that he's going to be gone when he gets worried.

No one else knows about her condition. She's good at faking around others that don't know her as well as he does.

"I didn't mean to upset you." He replies to her, keeping his eyes fixated at her. He knows she's going to put a piece of meat on her fork and pop it in her mouth because she's been playing with the same piece for at least two minutes now. To his prediction, she does, and chews it thoroughly before swallowing. "You baked today." He nudges his head towards the plate of cookies that were on the counter, covered in a piece of paper towel.

Rinoa nods, "I wanted something sweet. I figured you wouldn't object since you haven't had my cranberry chocolate cookies in a while." She musters a smile, kicking his foot gently beneath the second-hand kitchen table. "I know how much you love them."

"Very true." Squall finishes the last of his stir fry before walking over to the kitchen sink, mentally noting that they really need a dish washer since Rinoa had piled up a stack of dishes from her baking escapade. He rinses his bowl off, washes it and places it in the rack before resuming the same routine with the pots and pans and baking utensils. Behind him, Rinoa still pushes around her food, every so often placing a piece in her mouth and chewing. The two do this in silence; Squall thinks about how Rinoa will be without him and Rinoa wonders if she'll be okay without constant supervision.

She hates being supervised – making sure she eats, sometimes even showering because some days she just doesn't want to get out of bed. She knows she can do it on her own but at this point there are times where she just doesn't want to. She'll go through during the day without Squall telling her what to do and most of the time she's fine, but other times she just really wants him there. Not even telling her what to do or checking if she's okay, but just his presence is enough to make her want to keep going.

Sometimes she thinks it's too much for him. He has a lot going on with running the Garden, doing paperwork, sometimes running SeeD courses and business trips. And now with her mental state, it's another job to add to his plate. She knows he doesn't look at it like that; he's softened up a lot since her breakdown in the bathtub months ago. Around her he takes a caretaker role and while she appreciates it, she can't help but feel like she's not worth it and that he would be better off with someone else.

She had mentioned that once, picking at a piece of cake that he had picked up for her. She remembers Squall placing down his piece of lemon poke cake, turning around once he had paused the movie they were watching. He took her hands, stared into her eyes with this icy gaze that was a mixture between anger and sadness, "Don't you ever say that again, understand?"

When she starts to think like that – that he's better off without her or that she's better off somewhere else entirely – she thinks about that moment and how sad his eyes were. She still sees it sometimes when she doesn't eat or when he wakes her up at 6pm when he gets home from work and she tells him she slept all day. She hates that sadness and one would think that that would be enough for her to snap out of whatever this funk she's in, but it's not. To her, it seems like it'll never go away.

"I'm tired of fighting," she mumbles, placing another piece of chicken in her mouth followed by a carrot. "I'm just tired, Squall."

She places her fork down, pushes her plate away and pulls her knees back up to her chest. Rinoa's forehead falls against the top of her thighs, biting her bottom lip as she sees Squall walking towards her.

"I'm tired of forcing myself to eat when I'm not hungry, and to stay awake when I just want to sleep. I want my life back…"

Squall leaves her dirty plate on the table, making a mental note to clean it in the morning when he woke up, before scooping up Rinoa in his arms and carrying her upstairs.

Nothing he was doing was seeming to work and he is growing more and more restless with each passing day. He tries to take off days to spend with her but most days she either sleeps or writes and doesn't interact with him. He took her to Dr. Kadowaki for medicine and if anything it seems to make her like a zombie. He takes care of her like she's dying but he knows that if anything, she needs him there now more than ever. She needs him more than she needed him the moment she knew she became a sorceress when she sat on his lap in the Ragnarok. But she's so easy to irritate and upset that he's walking on eggshells the moment he enters their apartment. He hates it and he hates how he's getting so fed up of having to be like this, but he has to because he wants his Rinoa back.

No one else knows about the strain her mental health is having on their relationship. Quistis, of course, has an inkling but she won't mention it. Squall's noticed that she will ask more about Rinoa when she doesn't show up at Garden for a couple days for their group lunch. She also keeps her eyes on him when he shrugs, avoiding the subject. Everyone else seems to be clueless. Irvine just insists that they're having a lack of bedroom time – with a wink, of course. Selphie always giggles and Zell most of the time isn't paying attention. Squall prefers to keep the situation to himself anyways because he knows that Rinoa doesn't want anyone else knowing either.

He carries her up the stairs, her arms tightened around his strong neck to the point where he may have passed out from a lack of oxygen. She wants him close. He knew that much when he laid her in bed and she cuddled right up beside him. Squall puts the TV on, knowing she likes the extra light before he pulls the covers over them. Angelo jumps on the bed at their feet, whining at his mother curled up into Squall's frame.

I know, Angelo, Squall ponders, feeling Rinoa's haggard breathing on his neck, I don't like this either.

"I'm tired of fighting…" was all she said the rest of the night, over and over again before she eventually fell asleep on her Knight. Her breathing evened out, got deeper as she falls into a relaxing sleep. Squall draws his fingertips on her back like she likes even though her consciousness is dreaming, but he wants to do all he can to make her smile – even if it's for a split second.

He manages to get away around 3am to do his laundry for his business trip. Squall knows he's not going to be able to sleep because of Rinoa's minor break down. He stays in the basement for a while, listening to the hum of the washing machine and dryer, wondering if there is anything he can do at all to get his girlfriend back.


He kisses her goodbye the next night at the ship dock in Balamb and holds her as tight as he can without breaking her small frame. Rinoa holds him tight, nuzzling her head in his strong shoulder, pressing her lips to his neck.

"I'll be back in a couple days," he says, brushing her hair out of her eyes with his gloved hand, "I want you to call me if you need anything, no matter how small it is."

Rinoa assembles what Squall calls a 'fake smile,' a smile that could have fooled anyone but him. "I know. I love you."

Squall smiles honestly, brushing his lips with hers for a final time before the ships door opens, "I love you too. I'll see you soon."

She watches him board the ship with a few other SeeD's and when the door closes, Rinoa feels her heart sink deep into her stomach. She feels heavy and empty and like she can't breathe although there is an abundant amount of fresh sea air around her. Turning on her heels, she walks back to their beginner home with the moonlight as her only source of light.

Rinoa notes the cobblestone, how it's so jagged and unkept but still beautiful and reliable. She begins to think if that's how she should begin to think of herself – that she's not going to change, that she's going to be this way forever and she might as well find some beauty in her situation. However there is no beauty in struggling every day with your mind and your heart. She's tired. No matter how many times she says it, she feels like she can't say it enough to actually make Squall understand how truly exhausted she is with her monsters in her head.

Angelo welcomes her home with the scampering of his feet. Rinoa truly smiles, kneeling down and petting the collie and giving him a kiss, "It's you and me, boy. I wonder what we should have for dinner…" Rinoa kicks off her boots and walks into the kitchen, opening the fridge door and pulling out a bottle of half empty red wine. She pours herself a glass and continues looking, leaning against the door with a sigh when she realizes that she really doesn't feel like cooking. Or cleaning. Or doing anything for that matter.

"How about pizza? You haven't had pizza in a while, huh?" She speaks to Angelo, grabbing her cell phone and ordering pizza from a small pizzeria that delivers from down the street. Rinoa remembers her first night here with Squall; they had ordered pizza from there and they both fell in love with it. There was boxes everywhere filled with their things to the brim and Angelo was sniffing around wondering if this was going to be his new home. The three of them had pizza, watched horrible cable television and fell asleep on the couch.

Rinoa curls up on the couch with a blanket before Angelo jumps up at her feet. He places his head on her knees and she smiles, scratching him behind his ears. "I guess this isn't so bad…" she says, "It's just…quiet."

The only company Rinoa receives that night is the company of the pizza delivery guy for about three minutes. Aside from that, it's her and Angelo in the small living room, cuddled up in the blanket that somehow begins to smell like Squall. Her heart hurts the entire time and her head pounds with the severity of ten thousand drums. She hasn't heard from him yet, and she knows she won't unless she reaches out first.

Her cell phone is next to her. No light is blinking to signify that she has a message. Her mouth moves to the side with a pucker of her lips. This sucks, she says to herself.

The pizza box is left on the end table in front of the sofa as she climbs the stairs to her bedroom with the blanket from the couch. Angelo follows her and jumps on the bed, instantly curling up in a ball in his designated spot. Rinoa gets under the covers after she lays the blanket over the top of the comforter, curling up in a fetal position facing where Squall would lay.

She cries that night. She always cries when he leaves. It's always the same each time. However she never would have thought she would feel some sort of relief when she gazes at the outline of her medication bottle on the table beside the bed.

No, she says to herself, closing her eyes. I'm not like that, she repeats, her breathing becoming harder and harder.

I won't.


It's been one night without him. Rinoa doesn't know how she feels most of the time – there are some times when she feels fine and is functioning and sometimes even bouncing around with Angelo at her heels, but other times she's dragging across the floor with her nails being the only thing pulling her. She woke up this morning with a drive and a passion which is something she hadn't felt in a while, so she grabbed her laptop and Angelo's leash and set off for Garden around approximately 10am.

The walk is soothing for her. Dr. Kadowaki always said that fresh air would definitely help her mood and today she actually believed it. The sea is running it's white frothy fingertips across the sand and making the sound that Rinoa had listened to so many nights when she couldn't sleep. Her eyes are glued to the never-ended blue that just seemed to blend in so well with the sky; it's calming, and serene and her soul aches for something so beautiful for the first time in forever.

Garden was finally stationed in the pit that the missiles had left. Cid had decided at the end of the war that it was not safe to have the Garden constantly in motion, so once the pit was deemed safe to have the Garden rest in its original home, it was evacuated and then planted where it has remained ever since. Other than the constant moving around until that point, the Garden remained untouched and safe. Ever since the war there had actually been an influx of students which was surprising to many people.

Rinoa had guessed that people had heard about Squall and his heroic nature and wanted to be 'just like him,' therefore going to Balamb Garden where he had attended and now Commands makes sense. When she would see students on their first days she would overhear them talking about him, sometimes her and the rest of the group and how 'awesome' and 'brave' they are and how they 'couldn't believe that they went here.'

Now she thinks it's silly, calling them heroes. At first when it was all over she thought it was definitely a well-deserved title – especially for Squall since he was their leader. Once the group had all sat down and talked about it, how things were different now that they were known as the group that killed the sorceress. She remembers Quistis' voice: "We were honestly at the right places at the right time and Cid trusted us. We just carried out orders and were doing our job."

She giggles to herself when she remembers Squall's response, "I was under contract the entire time. I had no choice if Rinoa wanted to go, I had to do. Cid just made it worse." He had nudged her under the table and held her hand. Squall thought he was being so secretive but everyone knew that his hand was over hers beneath the layer of wood.

"Rinny!" Selphie exclaims, immediately running up to the girl and engulfing her in a huge hug, "We missed you! Are you here for lunch?"

Rinoa looks around, not even noticing that she had already made it inside of the Garden and to the Cafeteria. The group is already sitting at their designated table in the corner next to the students who are playing Triple Traid. I guess living inside of your own head most of the time makes time in the real world fly, she says to herself, following Selphie to their table and sitting down once her backpack is slugged onto the floor. Rinoa unhooks Angelo's leash, letting him make his rounds to his friends at the table.

"We haven't seen you in a while," Quistis observes, pushing around a piece of her salad as she looks at the girl. She's concerned, but doesn't want to make it look like she's concerned. Rinoa notes that she's bad at it, "Are you doing okay?"

Rinoa nods, giving a half fake-smile before pulling her fruit salad out of her backpack, "Yeah, I've just bene cooped up working on my next book. That's all." She tries to smile more, attempting to throw Quistis off of her trail. Rinoa knows it's not going to work. Quistis is too smart for that kind of behavior.

Irvine is multitasking by playing on his mobile phone and eating a sandwich at the same time. Zell has a plate of four hot dogs in front of him and another half is being shoved into his mouth. Rinoa sighs, feeling at ease with the gentle hum of the students buzzing in and out of the cafeteria. She hadn't been here in a while but it's somewhat comforting to actually be around people she knows who care and out of her bedroom.

She knows they care but she wouldn't dare tell them about her current situation.

She doesn't want their pity.

"What's the next book about?" Irvine asks, flashing her a smile, "I have the past three autographed. I can't wait for the fourth one."

"Do you even read them?" Zell asks, raising an eyebrow. Irvine looks at him, puzzled, before shrugging.

"I try to but then Selphie decides she wants -."

"Hey!" Selphie exclaims, reaching across the table and slapping Irvine's shoulder. "I do NOT!"

"Calm down you two," Quistis says with a sigh. She has half of a smirk on her face and the other is embarrassment because Selphie tends to yell pretty loud when Irvine pushes her buttons. "Selphie, sit down."

Rinoa smiles to herself, puncturing a strawberry slice with her fork and eating it. She feels Angelo at her feet and his tongue brushing against her ankle. It's sweet how he knows, she says to herself, it's almost as if he's checking on me.

"Are you going to tell us then?"

"Huh?" Rinoa looks up to see Irvine looking at her, smirking. Quistis keeps her eyes on Rinoa and her head rested on the palm of her hand. Selphie's eyes are darting between all of them, happy that Rinoa is actually here for lunch for the first time in weeks.

"Are you going to tell us what the new book is about?"

"Oh!" She nods, putting another piece of fruit in her mouth, "My publisher won't let me give exact details but I can give you the jist of it."

Irvine nods and all of them watch her as she pulls out her laptop. She doesn't like the feeling of being watched and she knows that they're doing it because they're genuinely interested in her new book, but she feels like they're all reading her and judging her and –

"So it's about this girl, she's actually briefly mentioned in one of the earlier books but I can't say. And she has this soul eater attached to her that makes her kind of…not really herself. The entire thing is about her learning about it and defeating it."

"Ooooooh!" Selphie shouts, placing her hands together with a clap, "It sounds so good! Do you have a title?"

Rinoa shakes her head, "Not yet. I always write before putting a title on things. It makes it easier."

Quistis jumps in, "What does Squall think of it?"

She goes silent. She actually hasn't told Squall what her book is about because she's been too busy either crying or sleeping or trying to function normally. Her heart sinks deeper inside of her, wondering where time has gone and finally realizing how much this damn diagnosis has changed her. Rinoa always tells Squall her ideas, bounces outlines off of him and makes him a big part of her books. Hell, the introduction always thanks him right at the end. He hasn't been a part of this one and it's half way done…

What have I done, she berates herself, who am I?

"Rinoa?"

She looks up, seeing that look in Quistis' eyes like she's placing a scan spell on her to see what's going on in her head. "Sorry, what?"

Quistis places down her fork and puts the lid on her salad, "I asked if Squall knows about the book plot."

"Did you tell us before him?" Irvine questions, "You always tell him first."

The questions weigh heavily on her. She knows it's not their fault but she feels her breathing getting heavier. Her head starts to pound and Angelo whines under the table because he sees her foot bouncing up and down. This is the first time in weeks she has sat down with her friends at lunch and she just feels like she doesn't belong there anymore. The old Rinoa would have belonged – would have laughed and played with Selphie and would have told Quistis to stop being such a buzzkill. She would have laughed at Zell choking on his fifth hot dog and rolled her eyes at Irvine making yet another sexual innuendo. Instead she's focusing on keeping her cool and her breathing steady so she doesn't look out of the ordinary.

She knows it's failing. They're all too smart and know her too well. There's even the faintest hint of worry in Selphie's eyes and she's the most carefree out of them all. Zell notices her behavior because his eating has slowed and Irvine has been looking up carefully from his phone so their eyes don't meet. Quistis isn't so secretive about it. Perhaps she wants Rinoa to know but Rinoa just wants to know what she can do to bring her old self back.

"Yeah I ah…" she fidgets with her food, pushing around a piece of watermelon, "He's just been so busy with paperwork. I'm normally in bed when he gets home…"

That sounds believable, right?

They all nod in unison and Rinoa gets up, stuffing her laptop in her bag with her fruit salad. Angelo walks out from beneath the table and sits in front of her, waiting for her to put his leash on. "I'm going to the library to write."

"Okay, we love you, Rinoa."

Quistis' voice hits Rinoa like a punch in the stomach. Her body was turned against them so they didn't see the way her face scrunches up to fight back the heat behind her eyes. She squeezes out a 'thanks' before walking out of the Cafeteria and out of Balamb Garden as a whole.

Her head hangs down the entire time. Her eyes are fixated on the concrete trail from Balamb to Garden instead of the ocean that she had loved watching on the way over. Her eyes didn't leave the ground the entire way to the apartment.

When Rinoa and Angelo walk through the door, Angelo is freed from his leash and Rinoa walks up the stairs to the bedroom. She spends the remainder of the night fading in and out of sleep – some tears falling occasionally and other times her sadness presented itself as a lump in her throat.

Who had she become? She's a shell of who she used to be. She desperately wants her old self back but she feels like it's hopeless…that she'll never be that person again.

Her eyes fixate on the orange bottle in front of her. It's almost as if she's in a trance; like she's possessed as she reaches forward and reads the dosage. In her phone she taps in her weight, her height, and a single question that's answered within seconds.

With shaking hands, the pills are spilled out in front of her and she counts.

"What am I doing…" she asks herself, looking at the twenty seven pills it would take for her to just sleep soundly for once. Her arms wrap around herself as she shakes, her head hung low. "What am I doing…"

With a heavy, loud heart, Rinoa places the pills back in the bottle and grabs Squall's sweatshirt. She pulls it over her head, grabs her cell phone and leaves the apartment in the depth of the night.

I need help, she says to herself, walking at a fast pace to Garden, and I need it right now.


Matron awoke with a jump at the sound of a loud bang at the door. Of course, Cid sleeps through it but her senses were too sharp to not hear something so boisterous. She slides on a robe and slippers before walking to the door, opening it to find a shaken and crying Rinoa.

"My dear," she says, pulling the young sorceress into her arms, "What's wrong?"

Rinoa cries into her shoulder, digging her nails into the silk robe, taking several deep breaths before she can push out the words.

"I…don't want to be here anymore…"

Matron pulls away, holding Rinoa by the shoulders and looking her in the eyes, "Rinoa…what do you mean? Be honest with me."

Rinoa looks up, tears running down her face.

"Alive."