Hello everybody. I'm once again stepping into uncharted waters. Ah, the realm of Twilight, forever in my mind to be made fun of. So, that's exactly what I did. I hate Twilight with a burning passion, and I am currently in the midst of a writer's block. This is what happens when blocks are left simmering too long.

God, I hope I get flamed for this. Go ahead, I dare you.


Being the new girl was nothing to sneeze at. It was grueling and difficult, and—to be quite honest—evil to some degree. But, what could someone expect when they move from a lovely little suburb in New Jersey to the dreary and very wet Forksandspoons, Washington? Well, Forks for short.

What could one expect?

Rain for one. Trees for two. And three's company.

I moved here because I loved my mother so much, I promised that I would spend time with my nonexistent parent, Carl, so I could "foster a semi functioning relationship". I had no idea that he would be so receptive to my arrival. He brought me home without saying a word, and took my luggage in without saying a word, and even led me to my room…without saying a word.

"So, uh, Carl?"

Carl looked at me and made this face. I didn't know what he was doing, but it looked to me like he was a tad bit constipated. He probably was because I saw a half-eaten roll of chocolate flavored laxatives in the bathroom not even a whole hour later.

Oh, but I have yet to introduce myself.

And it would probably be wise to skip the next couple of paragraphs. Err, I mean…my name is Mary Antiqua Ronald Yamaha-Susan Uinta Essen. I had a family tree that was more than confusing with about a hundred bastard children thrown in throughout the centuries so that's why my name is so long. I apologize if that inconveniences you.

I suppose you could call me attractive. Or at least as attractive as New Jersey suburbanites get. One could judge that for themselves based off of popular shows such as "Jersey Shore" or "Jerseylicious" because those are totally accurate portrayals of what New Jersey is like and this is not a scathing remark.

Har. But in all seriousness, I'm, like, six feet tall and severely malnourished because my metabolism sucks and I realize that I need to gain weight, but I can't afford the regimens that the doctors prescribe me. They are concerned about my weight, and quite frankly, so am I. I don't know why people think it's funny.

And my hair, due to the lack of nourishment is rather drabby. It used to be this healthy brown before it lost its luster, and my skin is this kind of ugly gray. I really think it might be stress related. I mean, I've moved to a cold place in the middle of nowhere to live with a man that I barely know and I have an unhealthy body that I've been trying to fix for a while. I would think that's pretty stressful.

So, I'm getting off track so let me just skip to the excited parts of my tale.

I walked into the school and instantly, all eyes were on me. I thought it had something to do with the fact that I was a tall, lanky, girl with bad skin and hair, but then I found out that this place never really got new students all than often.

That certainly explains a lot.

"Hi!"

Really happy people freak me out something awful. They're so peppy and i'st weird. I tried to ignore this super happy person because I'm supposed to be a ray of darkness with nothing to live for who speaks in cryptic metaphors and random internet memes.

"Uh, I'm not interested in you because I have to go through a whole depression before I can make friends." That was totally and one hundred percent true.

"My name is Jessica or something."

I glared at her as ghoulishly as I could without expending too much energy. I had to be nice enough while still being a sassy bitch with really clever dialogue. "Didn't you just hear me say I'm not into you. Why don't you go get a coffee…with cream or something. Because I'll tell you something—"

"This is a happy place!" she said. "I saw it too."

I suddenly didn't dislike her as much as I had previously had. She could get where I was coming from even though I didn't even know that myself. Forksandspoons wasn't so bad anymore.

I lied.

I found out that Jessica was actually a member of the Welcome Committee and was only talking to me because she was paid an extra's salary to do so. I was definitely welcome in this miserable high school that was just like any other, but not by her. She didn't like me, which was okay. I didn't like me half the time, and my old classmates didn't like me too much either. I guess most highschoolers don't like each other.

So that's not that special.

I was in Biology, which was the first class of the day. I loved Biology. I could learn about all these horribly disgusting things that could make lesser willed people barf, but I found it fascinating. There is nothing sexier than a human being who actually wants to learn in this era. And by learn, I mean textbooks, chalkboards, and real teachers who actually teach. Not I-Phone's, laptops or anything Apple.

And that's exactly what this class was. For some reason, I got distracted by the poorly laid out school hallways, and was late to class, therefore I was to be subjected to the torment of being introduced by the teacher himself. Or herself, I can't remember if the teacher was guy or not because the movie sucked so badly.

"This is Mary Antiqua Ronald Yamaha-Susan Uinta Essen, whose name is so long it has to be copy-and-pasted," Teacher said. "Please be normal highschoolers and hate her to the point of her self-esteem being affected so she can write a series about sparkling vampires."

"Hi Mary." It was slightly unnerving how they all spoke in unison.

Teacher sat at his/her desk. "You can sit next to that awful stereotyped cliché over there. He's the only one who has an empty seat next to him, since that last new girl disappears for extended periods of time without letting anybody know."

"Okay…?"

I sat down in the only conveniently empty seat and looked at the guy sitting next to me. He was indeed a stereotyped cliché. Extra mysterious with a side of dark secret. I had to know what it was because I was suddenly an extra nosy person who wanted to know why he hated me even though we had not yet exchanged words.

"I strongly dislike you for reasons that I cannot explain in a room full of idiots."

I kind of grimaced a little. "That's okay. It's high school. Everybody will figure it out eventually. That is until you move to some dark place to go to college with your girlfriend and child."

"I suddenly dislike you less."

"It's definitely because my dialogue is awkward and you find it irresistible." Yep, I was a magical mind reader now. I loved being right.

"You are telling the truth," he said. "It is impeccably ridicule-worthy."

I raised a slightly concerned eyebrow. "Lolwut?"

"I use big words randomly so I can appear smarter."

"Why?"

"I was written that way, STFU."

"Oh, you didn't introduce yourself, I'm Mary."

The boy leaned away. "I need to make an offhand comment before I tell you that I get introduced by the peanut gallery. You smell really good, like that new fragrance from Bath and Body Works."

I nearly choked on my own spit. "That was really insulting. You never comment on how people smell. Especially if they smell good."

The boy frowned. "Fine, I need to escape before I have to look at amoebas or the cycle of a cell with you."

I stood up. "Fine, I'll let that unattractive pale chick from Arizona sit next to you."

I stalked off feeling mighty proud of myself until I realized that I gave up one of the highest grossing, horrible "perfect-character-career-making-and-breaking" roles since Harry Potter.

Seriously, whatever happened to Ron?

Anyway, I had to go to lunch or something so I could listen to people talk about each other while there were some well-placed falling apples and clever tie-ins to book covers. I'm not kidding…that was a really good looking apple, and when that scary chick fell like a klutz, they had to probably shoot that part four or five times.

Far too many apples were sacrificed.

"That's Edward-usedtobecedricdiggory-Cullen."

Jessica was really starting to annoy me now. She was mashing all her words together like I do and I realized that I needed to be far less annoying than she was. Forget the fact that she was a tiny nugget-person and I was a lumbering giant, she and I had too much in common. I was determined to have a miserable life here…by any means necessary.

So I had my goal. Use Edward Cullen to make my life miserable.

That was easy enough. He hated everybody, and had hated everybody until about five seconds ago. That klutzy whoever she is had stolen his heart. I couldn't have that. Edward was better at brooding than he was at making women feel terrible about themselves, and he was only created from some imaginary wish fulfillment.

If he never got his wish-fulfillment, then he would never be happy, and he would forever brood, therefore making my life miserable. That is what I want. Now I just have to get it.

Easy enough, right?


Flame me. Please. I want your scorn.

Has a nice day. ;P