I'm not sure there's much to say about this fic. I got the idea browsing the fanfic thread on the official NISA Neptunia forums. My goal with this is to create a funny fic that uses OCs (and male ones at that) while not being a generic Marty Stu story. It's challenge and I like challenges!
Rated T for some swearing andreferences to sexual acts (especially later ones), but nothing explicitly sexual happens in this.
Yurifans, there is no yuri in this. Sorry. There is no romance, really, so don't worry about OcxCanon romance.
Now, some background: This story uses HDN1's floating landmasses, but there are Mk2 and Victory characters like Plutia and Nepgear...eventually. Don't ask about what game's plot this takes place after or before, Neptunia is a clusterfuck of massive proportions and fuck trying to make sense of its alternate universes. Also note that I've only played the first game, and the last I played that was like 2 years ago. So please tell me if I'm going OOC with some canon characters, I try my best to make sure they're in character.
Feel free to rip this fic to shreds if you want. I appreciate the criticism, but if it's nothing more complex than "Fuck original characters!" and "What's a dude doing in my Neptunia, this sucks!" then don't post it.
/
It was always cold in Lowee. That was just a given.
Indeed, to Alba, it was rather boring. One did not wake up and wonder what the weather was. It was snowing. And freezing. All the time. It was sometimes infuriating after a while. Everyday, she got up and looked outside to see snow for the 6000th time. Surely there could be something different after a while.
Maybe she needed to simply go outside of Lowee but it wasn't like that would happen—she had no real money, and in all honesty didn't know just how well she'd deal with the different cultures.
"Dammit, I need a plot hook and fast...I gotta get out of this damn item shop!"
She was glad that no one else was around for her shift in her shop; otherwise, they would've probably wondered what all of her gratuitous hand-wringing was for. Well, not her shop, but one owned by her parents, which basically damned her to taking it over when they inevitably kicked the bucket. Her entire goal since learning that was to make sure she didn't have to inherit it. Then again, when everyone who came into the shop assumed she was 5 years younger than she actually was, would anyone even take her seriously as a storeowner?
"You know, White Heart, bless you and the glories you do for us in Lowee, but I need to ditch this place fast. Surely something has to happen that's interesting in my life. I'm the main character...I think."
With a sigh, she plumped down hard onto a nearby chair, nearly slipping from it, her soft baby-blue hair fluttering and shining a little in the light coming from a window. It was about the only window light was coming from, the rest of them blocked by the gigantic stacks of items piled everywhere in a disheveled mess. Alba had to constantly be careful lest she make one tiny misstep and send a literal ton of useless crap on her head. She had never even figured out why her parents kept all this useless crap. Even the most paranoid adventurers didn't buy that much. Maybe it was for the looks, she didn't really know.
Her snow-white dress shone brightly in the sunlight, free of blemishes. Constantly dealing with the stock meant that it normally was somewhat dirty.
"Well, if I'm gonna be running this place, at least let some adventurers come or something..." She stretched to alleviate the boredom, nearly knocking over a set of books before jerking back almost as a reflex. The books still twitched slightly, nearly making her instinctively jump. She was a rather short person; that combined with stacks of useless stuff falling on her made for a bad day. After confirming (three times) that the stack probably wasn't going to fall, she returned to her seat, sighing slowly in relief.
Then the door opened with a small jingle.
"My CPU! God...ish cold outthere!"
The voice from the front of the story was completely baffling. Alba could barely make any of it out before deciding to investigate. Of course, she (tried) to put on her biggest smile...
"Hello..customer...when you are here, you are blessed by the CPU herself, White Heart-"
Alba stopped in her tracks upon seeing the person there. It was a...man. He clearly looked like an adventurer, clad in some minor armor with an empty scabbard at his hip. He was rather short, though still taller than Alba herself, and he seemed to be from Planeptune, judging from his clothing and purple hair. He was staggering around like a drunkard, holding onto to a desk to keep standing
"Can...can I help you, sir?"
"What?" He looked up at her, dazed and slurring his speech like. "You...you run thiiiiss plaaaace?" His words were simply pouring out his mouth like a slurred waterfall, and his face was burning red all-around.
Alba could barely make out what he saying. "I...um...yes, I sort of run it...well, no one else is here so, yes...?" She made good to stand behind the counter of her shop—Only White Heart knew what shit he was going to pull.
"Oh...gooood." The man stumbled a bit closer to the counter, Alba moving further backwards in turn.
"What is you name, sir?" Regardless of the circumstances, Alba tried her best to remain professional.
"Oh...my naaame ish...uh..."
Silence.
"UH...shit, I can't remember. Man, I got craaaaaaZEE drunk in Planeptune..."
Alba started to back away even further. "Sir...sir, there's...there's no way you can't remember your name."
"Of courshe I can't! I'm drunk! I can barely remember...what I did over these past few weeks..."
Alba considered merely walking away and hoping he was took drunk to notice/care, but the only way out was the door. The last thing she wanted to do was pass by him, so it seemed she was stuck there. "Ugh, is this what they call a rock and a hard place? Anyway, you can't possibly have forgotten your own name!"
"Ishtrue!" He continued to stumble around like a drunken sailor, miraculously not hitting anything. It was like he was so used to being drunk, he could still keep his balance, as much as one could do such while completely blasted.
Alba shrugged in defeat. "Well, I guess I'll just call you Drunkard McLoserstein then." A devious smile ran across her face.
The sheer shock of being given not the most...positive sobriquet seemed to jolt the man awake. "W-what?! 'Drunkard McLoserstein'!? There's...there's no way I'm gonna be named that!" A little more sober, he stopped stumbling and walked up the counter in a fit of anger; he almost looked badass, there, but only ALMOST. Alba could get a slightly better view of his features from there—he honestly was kinda girlish in looks...
She tried to let none of this mess with her, though. "Well, check the dialogue box. It once said '?' and now it says "Drunkard McLoserstein'."
"We're not even in a video game right now!"
"Don't get mad at me, Stein." Out of boredom, Alba started to rap her fingers on the glass of the counter, keeping her head supported with her other hand.
"'Stein'? Now, that's a name more fitting for me!" Stein leaned forward and slammed his fist on the table so hard the glass nearly cracked, causing the items inside to shake a little. He was uncomfortably close, making Alba draw back, somewhat disgusted. "Hows about I tell you of the time I once won the adoration of a whole village in Leanbox?" His face broke into a haughty grin. Alba was filled with the intense urge to punch it.
"You?" She lazily stared in him in bored incredulity. "I have trouble believing that."
"Of course!" With a complete excess of histrionics, Stein shot his finger into the air like some Super Sentai hero. The difference between him before and him now was massive. "It all started when a fair maiden, decked in lovely green, asked me as I walked in, 'Oh, sir, we are plagued by such horrible monsters!'..."
Stein began to spin a tale that was obviously complete bullshit. Alba listened to him in complete disbelief that someone could be so pathetic as to make up such idiocy. According to him, he defeated a monster so large its roars cracked stone, with nothing more than his famous sword, and in the end, had been so loved by the "fair maiden" she and him "banged all night long" (his words). Every part of it was complete BS, and at the end, Alba just punched herself in the head in hopes of forgetting it.
Having finished his story, Stein struck yet another dramatic pose and beckoned for Alba to come closer. "And that's the end! Hah, do you want to see if that girl's compliments of my manhood were true or not?"
Alba sighed and buried her face in her hands. "No, and I sincerely wish you would get out of my store."
"What?!" Stein stopped his macho-posturing for a second to wring his hands in disbelief. "I came here for a purpose, you know!"
"And that was...?"
"To get some alcohol! I need the stuff!" Stein began to scan the area for drinks.
"You don't need alcohol." Alba rose stiffly, stretching her arms a little. "You're just a drunkard. But if you want some booze then go down to the local bar, and please try not to make a fool of yourself."
Strein pouted like a child with arms crossed. "I'm sorry but I do need that booze while I search for what I lost."
"And what would you have lost?"
"I lost—oh, HELL-" Before he could finish, a massive blast of smoke blasted through the area like a bomb. Not expecting it, Alba was thrown off her seat, though more from surprise. The thick smoke quickly dispersed throughout the shop, causing a massive cascade of items, nearly crushing Alba with the collective weight of books, potions, armor, and CPU-knew what else. She quickly came to and started pushing the junk off of her before getting seriously injured, though her dress was slightly torn and dirty. The smoke was still in the air, provoking coughs from the two of them.
"WHAT THE HELL!? You tried to kill me!"
"I...*hack*...didn't..." Stein's voice was radically different for some reason.
When the smoke finally dissipated, Alba saw why. "What...what the hell happened to you?"
The person standing in front of her was much like Stein in some respects. They had the same height, the same purple hair, and were wearing roughly the same clothes and armor.
Except they were a...girl?
"Oh, dammit!" Stein(?) looked at him-er, herself in complete rage, slamming her fist against the wall. Another stack of items fell but at this point, they barely mattered when half the shop was strewn all over the floor. Her (rather large) breasts heaved, nearly hypnotizing Alba before she shook herself back to her senses.
She rubbed her eyes three times to verify what was going on. Stein(?) was still a girl by the third time. "You're...you're a girl now?!"
"I told you." Stein(?) sighed as if this happened frequently. "I need alcohol, or this happens."
Alba stared at him wide-eyes for a few seconds. "What?!"
"When I'm sober, I transform into a girl." Stein collapsed onto a pile of books and rolled his eyes. "It's a curse I got when traveling."
Alba was still staring at him unblinkingly. "That's...a rather specific curse."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, just give me some damn booze already!"
What possessed Alba to actually go to the back of the store and dig into her parent's wine collection was beyond her, but then again she had little respect for her parents. In the end, she decided to grab a sparkling purple bottle from Planeptune. "He looks like he's from there...here, take this. I'm only giving you this as a subtle 'fuck you' to my parents for saddling me with this damn shop."
Returning with it, the bottle was immediately snatched out of her hands by Stein and imbibed within seconds. In another flash of smoke (though much smaller), he was back to the rather trappish guy he was before. "Man, thanks!" He managed to squeeze that out while downing nearly the whole bottle. "I'm back to normal! I look a little girly now, but that's only because of the curse." He sounded less he was trying to convince Alba and more like he was trying to convince himself.
Alba merely responded with a flat "I'm so overjoyed." Afterwards, she snatched the empty bottle from him. "Go to a bar if you want anymore."
Stein wiped his mouth dry in relief. "Alright, I guess I'll be leaving then..."
"No way." Alba sternly walked over and gripped his hand tightly. "I don't trust you to not make an idiot of yourself out there, and in all honesty, I want to know a little more about you."
/
Stein and Alba found themselves walking the snow-covered streets of Lowee, though they certainly were not the most usual couple in existence. Both of them kept a fair distance between each other, enough to the point where the average bypasser wouldn't've guessed that they were walking together. Alba endlessly kept an eye on Stein, who was acting a little drunk—but still seemed relatively sober. "He can sure drink a lot..."
Eventually, however, Alba saw that Stein wasn't quite so bad. They passed by quite a few girls along the way and he didn't try to lecherously grope them or anything debauched like that, so after a while, she closed the distance until the two could talk together. The sight of a seemingly-Planeptune man and a Lowee woman drew a few odd stares from prejudiced citizens.
"What did you lose again? We were interrupted."
Stein racked his head for answers, gripping it like remembering was painful. "Huh...oh yeah, I lost my glorious sword, Gladius."
"Your 'glorious sword''s name is just 'sword' in Latin...?"
"Who cares!?"
The two passed by a ragged man preaching about the wonders of White Heart on a literal soapbox. He seemed to be repelling a crowd more than attracting one as he rambled on and on about her glories and wonders. Alba just scoffed at him.
Returning her sight forward, she continued to press for info. "Anyway...where did you lose it?"
"In Planeptune. I'll remember it no matter what!" Stein looked like some kid who was proud at getting a question right. "I got somewhat drunk and then when I had walked into Lowee, I realized that I had lost it!"
Alba let that spin in her head for a few seconds; then she realized that Lowee was nowhere near Planeptune at the moment. Indeed, it was as far as possible from it! "Wait, you lost it in Planeptune and then only realized that in Lowee?!"
"Yes, why?"
"That means you walked through Leanbox and Lastation without realizing you lost your sword."
"And?"
"That's completely absurd!"
They turned another corner and came to a small pub, a rather comfy place that didn't take up much room but looked rather well-worn, with a small sign containing a mushroom. Lowee had never really been much for pubs—it prided itself on being rather "family-friendly", and even with the restrictions lifted a little, adult entertainment was taking a while to get there. Made for great family tourism, though.
While they stood outside the pub, a completely crazy woman was hawking knives nearby. "This is the Excelsior Bonecutter 3000! Cuts through flesh, armor, sinew, and bone all with ease!"
"Well, here we are." Alba pointed towards the pub.
"Good. I need beer...don't want to be a woman..."
"Sometimes you get stuck in a snowstorm! You gotta eat people!"
Alba sighed in complete disbelief about Stein. He was completely nuts, and not really in the good way. He seemed less like a real person and more like a character in some humor fiction...wait a minute...
"You are the weirdest Planeptune guy I ever met."
"What?" Stein shot her a look of pure confusion. "I'm not from Planeptune...?"
"What?" Alba shot him one of her own in return. "But...you have purple hair."
Stein looked like he had just been called a slur and rolled his eyes. "What? You think all Planeptune people have purple hair because our CPU does? How prejudiced?"
Alba's face turned red as a tomato. "N-n-no I didn't!" She shied away from him and looked at the ground in embarrassment. "It's...it's just that all the Planeptune people in like, movies and stuff have purple hair!"
Of course, Stein couldn't let such an opportunity to get back at her pass by. "Wow, I didn't know Lowee was so damn backwards. I knew the place was kind of behind with the times, but wooooow." The smug smile on his face made Alba want to crawl into a hole and die. "Maybe I should say you look like a Lowee because you have light, fair hair?"
"No you shouldn't!"
"Then don't say I'm from Planeptune just because I have purple hair!" Alba honestly felt bad for assuming such a thing, and she quickly apologized to Stein.
Their little 'lovers' tiff" was stopped by two unfamiliar faces walking down the street. They were hazy in the distance, and quickly came into full view—the makers IF and Compa. A few people stopped and stared as they walked by, but normal business was quickly resumed. IF just looked annoyed at the people, and beckoned Compa to come along.
When she saw Stein, however, she stopped dead in her tracks. "Compa! Hey, Compa!" She yelled out pointing rather rudely at him. "Look at this guy!"
Compa followed her finger and got a good look at Stein. "Isn't...he...that guy?"
"He's gotta, come on." IF quickly pulled her along rather forcibly, nearly tripping Compa as she ran towards Stein. Alba was just rather confused at these proceedings.
When IF finally reached him, she took one good look at him and exclaimed in sheer surprise. "You're...you're..."
Stein, rather desperate for female attention at this point, reacted quite enthusiastically to IF's interest in him. "You're...you're the adventurer, IF!"
"Yeah! And you're that crazy drunk idiot who crashed his car into the Planeptune Basilicom!"
"Yes, I...WHAT!?"
IF pointed towards him again and started talking to Compa like he wasn't there. "Compa, it's him! Don't you remember that? It was all over the news."
Compa, who had chosen silence as of then, finally spoke up in her demure voice. "Yeah...I do remember him! He wrecked the Basilicom so badly they had to spend a month fixing it, right?"
Stein looked like he was about to collapse from embarrassment, sweat beading on his face. "I...I don't remember that at all, that is clearly a lie!"
"No way it's a lie. I saw it on TV!" IF smirked while chuckling. "You were so drunk that you tried to recite the alphabet upside-down. They took away your driver's license, didn't they?"
"No they did not-" Stein's hands quickly searched his pockets and found that, yes, his driver's license was completely gone. "My driver's license is...missing."
"Of course it is." IF could barely restrain herself. "They took it from you on national TV!"
Alba was feeling completely left out of the conversation, though she also felt like there wasn't much she could add.
/
Stein had left the girls to their own devices while acquiring some emergency booze. IF, Compa, and Alba decided to wait inside a nearby shop, very similar to Alba's, except staffed by people who actually gave a shit. So, it was much nicer and cleaner, with all of its wares neatly stacked and organized instead of haphazardly mashed on top of each other. The owners had even went to the trouble of putting a tiny cafe inside.
IF took a warm swig of the tea Alba had ordered, delighting in its warmth after the freezing Lowee streets. "How did you even get involved with a guy like that?"
"He...he just stumbled into my shop out of nowhere." Alba looked down at the empty spot where her tea should have been if not for IF's quick fingers. "And...honestly, what happened next was so bizarre I could barely comprehend it."
"He...he seems like a complete creepazoid to me!" Compa shivered a tiny bit and emitted a small brrr, her eyes shut in disgust. "I could just tell...I hope I don't meet him again."
Alba shrugged in disappointed agreement. "Yeah, I really can't say many good things about him. He says he's some famous swordsman who's banged a lot of chicks, but that's so obviously bull."
"Famous swordsman?" IF set her cup down, the tea in it slowly steaming. "That guy was so drunk he could barely stand up when they managed to pry him from the Basilicom wreckage."
Compa eyed the room carefully before leaning over the table and whispering. "Sounds to me like he's just a loser who wants to make himself fell big and strong."
IF recoiled a little from the sudden movement. "Compa, that's rather harsh from you...even if I do agree myself."
Alba finally grabbed her tea from If and sighed into the steam rising from it. Surely her life was meant to be better than this. "I thought main characters get better treatment than this...and better party members."
Right as she took a long sip, the beverage delightfully warming her chest, Stein stumbled out of the bar, three massive bottles of booze tried to his belt. Eying the girls in the mirror, he managed to stumble across the street and enter the shop, his face as red as a tomato. "Hi, girrrrs..." His speech was slurred heavily.
The owner of the shop threw his hands up in annoyance at the drunkard while Stein walked over to the girls, all three them recoiling instinctively at his presence.
"Wot? I'm not zaaat druuunnnnk..." He could barely stand straight, swaying back and forth in a slow daze.
Alba just buried her hands in her face while IF and Compa smiled awkwardly.
/
Stein had thankfully been (forcibly) moved outside by the storeowner, allowing the three girls to continue their talk. They really didn't cover much in the way of actual conversation, but Alba appreciated the chance to speak to someone who wasn't Stein.
IF got on her good side quickly by telling her of her various travels. Apparently this Lowee city was but one stop on her travels. "Well, I guess I can tell you about the time Neptune, Compa, and I went to Lastation..."
Compa, having been silent for most of the conversation, finally decided to nervously speak up"I think you've told her enough..." Her face was in an awkward smile, almost apologizing to Alba.
But Alba instead jumped up with such ferocity and passion both girls were stunned. "NO! Please, I want to know more! I must know more! I'll never get to travel outside of this-" The storeowner shot her a dirty look and she quickly sat down, blushing fiercely. "So-sorry." She said with a nervous laugh. "I...I just really want to travel outside of Lowee..."
"Who says you can't?" IF asked her with a rather forceful tone. "It's not like it takes money if you're walking."
"IF, I don't think we should be giving such a young girl ideas..."
"I'm not young!"
/
After speaking for a while, IF and Compa decided to part ways. Compa was kind enough to suggest that Alba should go see if any quests were up—all adventurers had to start somewhere, after all. Alba thanked them graciously and went outside to see Stein, who had mostly sobered up, though he was still a guy.
"You're rather sober for being a guy right now." She remarked as she stepped outside, shivering a little in the cold, icy wind blowing through.
"I need just the tiniest drop of alcohol in my blood to be a man." Stein was holding an empty wine bottle standing stoutly in the icy wind. He clearly seemed to have some experience as an adventurer, even if his stories were bullshit.
Alba walked past him and beckoned for him to come along. "Look, I'll drop you off at an inn. There's bound to be one in this town, assuming it follows the Standard RPG Town Building Guide."
Stein started to follow behind her, wiping the wine from his mouth. "That's a thing?"
"Yes. Hopefully you're not my first party member. I need someone desperately better."
"Why you ungrateful girl!"
The two of them argued all the way through the icy wind, attracting attention as they wound their way through the delicate streets. Alba merely wanted to dump Stein as fast as possible, so she took a few shortcuts to reach a nearby inn. After a while, Stein was too drunk to ague correctly, so she was afforded some golden nuggets of silence. While she walked, she thought about what IF said. Could she really be a traveler like that? Was she really fit out for fighting and adventuring? She honestly didn't know. But, on the other hand: she had to try. She couldn't be honest with herself unless she tried it once. But... how?
/
Inside the inn, a rather generic, yet comfy place, the bizarre duo approached the woman at the front desk.
Alba was first to speak. "Excuse, I'm looking for a room..."
The woman, a young, bright woman with a pretty smile, laughed to herself. "For two? Try not to make too much noise when you're doing it, okay?" She said in a patronizing and snickering tone.
Alba's face went red as a tomato, while even Stein laughed. "No, no NO! For him, just him! Besides this is Neptunia, where everyone is gay!"
Stein looked surprised at that statement. "Even the women?"
"Especially the women."
The lady at the front desk stopped her laughing for a while. "Just don't sneak in his room at night, sweety~" Ignoring Alba's cries of protest, she looked up a free room. "We have one left, left me check the price...3000 credits for two nights."
Both Alba and Stein balked, cold sweats forming on their faces, dropping slowly. They looked at each other, desperately hoping the other one had the money.
"I hope you have adventuring money, because I'm broke"
"I spent all my money on booze! Why can't I just stay at your house!?"
"Do you think my parents would let me bring a drunk man into the house!?"
The two of them looked back at the lady, their faces burning with embarrassment. She smiled a little at their plight. "Well, why not adventure to get the money? A few quests would get you that with ease."
Alba and Stein nervously looked at each other again.
"I hope you have adventuring experience, boy."
"I hope you can hold your own in a fight!"
This was not going to end well.
