Title: Make Me Feel Like Someone Else
Pairing: Dan Howell/ Phil Lester
Warnings: Swearing and fluff and a bit of making out.
Summary: Dan gets kicked out of home for admitting his gay and runs into a guy called Phil, who doesn't have it in him to let Dan stay on the streets.
His strong persona is gone, broken into a million pieces and it feels like all of him is shattered. "They kicked me out."
Phil doesn't have it in him to walk away now.
Notes: As always I hope you enjoy my newest work, sorry I haven't updated in like, almost two months. I've got so many assignments and essays to finish off this uni semester that last night I just took a breather and decided to finish this little piece. Sorry if there are some grammar mistakes or what not, I have gone over it but as my beta is currently also trudging her way though exams and hasn't had time to edit, there are probably a few things I've missed. Anywho, I hope all of you who have just started the holidays enjoy your time off, or if your like me, make it though the next week or so without pulling your hair out ;)
Let me know what you think!
It's raining when Dan gets off the train. The air is freezing, a strong breeze pushing the drops on an angle, turning the old snow into a sluggish paste between the pave way. In a way Dan thinks this is the universe toying with him in some sort of twisted humour. It reflects his mood; dreary and depressing. He clenches the duffle bag closer, readjusting the strap and blinks back tears.
Dan doesn't know what he was expecting, thinking that maybe if he just came clean to his parents that everything would continue as was, that they would look at him with the same loving smile and carry on as though nothing had changed. He almost wants to laugh at himself for believing something so stupid.
He doesn't have anywhere to go either. The ticket to Manchester is crumpled in his hand as he mindlessly wonders the streets. He packed a bag and left in such a hurry that he didn't even consider the fact that his almost completely broke and has absolutely no where to stay. But that's fine; all that matters is that there is at least four hours distance between himself and his parents. So, whatever, he might not have a warm bed to sleep in but at the moment anything would be better than sleeping in his own. At least, that's what Dan tells himself.
xx
Dan's not quite sure why the café looks so inviting, but he stands out the front of it for all of two minutes before deciding to go inside. He doesn't exactly have a lot of money, but the thought of a coffee and somewhere warm is the most appealing thought he's had all day, so he thinks he can spare a few dollars.
He sighs in relief as soon as he enters the building, feeling himself slowly defrost. The place is nice, and quite quaint. It has a few booths lining against the wall, and a number of small tables scattered around. It's not big by any means, but it feels cosy and that's sort of exactly what he needs right now.
Dan sits himself at farthest from the door, at the booth by the window. He places his duffle bag down, pulling out his wallet. He has got about twenty dollars on him, including coins. He bites his lip and hesitates slightly, before making his way over to the counter. Screw it. It's not like twenty dollars is going to buy a hotel room, so he might as well spent it on something to help get him though this horribly, shitty day.
Luckily there is no one in the queue as Dan arrives at the counter.
"What can I get you?"
The voice almost makes Dan jump out of his own skin, pulling him from his thoughts. He was so caught up in looking at the menu that he forgot there was someone in front of him. "Oh, um, caramel macchiato thanks."
The barista smiles at Dan and he does a double take. The guy is actually pretty attractive. He's eyes are a gorgeous shade of bright blue and his hair is jet black, sweeping over one eye in a similar fashion to Dan's own, except on the opposite side. His smile is slightly adorable and Dan has to stop himself from cringing because he just ordered a notoriously sugar filled, girly drink in front of a majorly attractive person.
"You're in luck." The guy says, pulling out a large mug from underneath a counter. "Caramel macchiatos happen to be my favourite drink, and therefore, my specialty."
"Yeah?" Dan questions, glancing to the name badge on the guys apron. Apparently his name is Phil and Dan can't help but smile as he glances at the Pokémon badge that is pinned to the left side of Phils name tag.
"Seriously there is nothing better. It's like sugary goodness with the mix of coffee." Phil proclaims making his way over to the machine before warming up the milk. "People underestimate how good it actually is. Sort of like my fix, you could say."
Dan nods at him; eyes' watching as Phil prepares his drink with practiced ease. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't subtly trying to check Phil out in the process. Phil's sort of attractive in an effortless way, and Dan can't deny himself quick glances over the other male's body.
"Where are you from, anyway?"
The question snaps Dan from his daze like trance and he subconsciously cringes slightly. "I'm from Reading."
"You don't exactly sound Northern." Phil says, a slight sway in his hips as he works the coffee machine. Dan raises his eyebrows slightly, Phil's whole personality seems to be bubbly and upbeat and it's sort of a pleasant change from everything else.
"You're a bit far from home though. Are you visiting extended family or something?"
This time Dan does physically flinch. Family is exactly what he doesn't want to talk about right now. He averts his eyes quickly and takes a small step back. He's voice is tight as he replies, "no."
Phil looks a little confused, probably at Dan's unexpected reaction. He nods his head and pours the coffee into the mug before sliding it over to Dan.
Dan signs slightly, a little breathily. "How much do I owe you?"
Phil shakes his head, batting his hand away.
"It's on me, don't worry."
Dan wants to argue, shake his head and say its fine, that he can pay for his own coffee. He can't though, because he hasn't got any form of spare cash. "Thanks."
The smile appears back on Phil's face, a little apologetic and Dan can't help himself, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips.
xx
Sitting inside the coffee shop wasn't going to last forever, however that doesn't exactly change the feeling of dismay Dan has upon being kicked out.
Dan somewhat begrudgingly makes his way outside, back into the icy cold. It's dark outside and the chill gets to him far worse than before he entered the café all those hours ago. It feels worse than when he first got here, and not just because of the temperature.
It suddenly sinks in, like a slap across the face that Dan is all alone. He kicks the patch of gluggy snow in front of his and punks down on the bench. The swirl of emotions rage around his head and coil in the pit of his stomach, it takes all of him not to yell out in anguish.
He almost wants to laugh at himself, because Dan's never been one for drama, but this is turning into a whole full-on-movie blow out, complete with feelings of regret and unconditional torment. He's always tried to avoid situations like this, but apparently they have a way of catching up.
"I don't mean to pry or anything, but are you waiting for someone?"
Dan jumps slightly in surprise, eyes a little wide at the slightly familiar voice. "Um, not exactly."
Phil's head tilts to the side slightly, the sort of confused look crossing his face as earlier. "It's a bit…cold out."
Dan lets out a small laugh, the air turning cloudy after leaving his mouth. "What gave that away, exactly?"
The barista shoves his hands inside his pockets and glances over at Dan's duffle bag, shuffling slightly on the spot in an attempt to keep warm.
"You're shivering."
Dan lets out a small sigh, sinking back into the bench slightly. "That must be it, then."
He isn't exactly sure why he's being so rude. Possibly the torment swirling through his mind at a million miles an hour, or the fact that the attractive coffee guy is standing right in front of him and slowly discovering the fact the Dan's pretty much homeless. However Phil's been nothing but nice to him since they met a few hours ago, so it's not exactly a surprise to find himself feeling a little guilty.
"I'm Dan; sorry I'm such a twat."
Phil's eyes sparkle slightly at the apology and a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "You're not a twat. My names Phil, ya know, in case the name tag didn't make it obvious enough."
There's a small pause and Dan closes his eyes, biting his lip in the process. When he looks again, Phil opens his mouth as to say something, before shutting it promptly and averting his eyes down towards the sidewalk.
"You might as well say it." Dan says, because why not? Today's been all kinds of shit and it's not as if Dan has anything to actually do besides sit in the freezing weather and contemplate how utterly screwed he is.
"Why are you sitting out here alone, Dan?"
Dan takes a deep breath. Any resilience he had left suddenly leaving his body and he feels broken. His strong persona is gone, crushed into a million pieces and it like all of him is shattered. "They kicked me out."
Silence fills the air and it takes all of Dan to calm himself. He's sure he looks more the pathetic, all alone on the streets. He risks a glance at Phil, whose looking down on him, a small frown on his face that Dan can't exactly place.
"So you've got nowhere to go?" Phil says, he's voice is softer than before, almost as do not frighten Dan in his current state.
Dan shakes his head, hung slightly low, shoulders draped.
"You can stay at my apartment, then."
Dan's eyes widen at a record speed, fists clenching his jeans. There is determination in Phil's voice and Dan almost wants to cry for a different reason; relief.
"…Seriously?"
Phil nods his head, threading his hand through the straps of his galaxy backpack. "Yeah, Dan. You can stay."
xx
Phil's apartment isn't anything spectacular, to be honest, Dan's just rather impressed with the fact the somebody his age can afford to support themselves enough to rent an apartment in Manchester, because it's not exactly cheap.
Its two bed rooms, with a small hallway and a joint kitchen/lounge room, which really, in hindsight shouldn't make Dan feel as though he just discovered Christmas, but for some reason, it sort of does. It might be the plush toys that are littered randomly among the furniture, or the fact that's there is a scented candle next to the living room lamp.
Phil places he's backpack on one of the cream coloured bar stools before making his way around the counter and turning on the kettle. Dan watches him as he moves, comfortable and instinctual and somehow, even though he's only known Phil for a couple of house (if of course, you can even count the time he sat in the booth and glanced between his empty coffee cup and Phil) he feels like everything here just suits him perfectly.
"If I offer you tea, do you promise not to become a raging serial killer and murder me in my sleep?" Phil asks suddenly, effectively snapping Dan out of his current thoughts.
Dan takes a second to process, because Phil essentially caught Dan staring directly at him. He should probably bring feel a little, because Phil is sort of gorgeous, and if the past few hours is anything to go off, also immensely kind, but he can't exactly bring himself to care. His eyes linger slightly on the tongue that's sticking out from the corner of his mouth as Phil's grin lights up he's face, before flicking back up towards his eyes. "Dunno, depends on how well your tea making skills compare to your coffee making skills. If it's no good, I take no responsibility for my actions."
Phil lets out a small laugh and it automatically triggers a smile onto Dan's face.
"No pressure or anything."
Dan shakes his head, grin wider than before, flopping down on the couch and crossing his legs. "None at all."
A few short moments later and Phil makes his way over to Dan, placing the tea onto the coaster in front of him, before placing himself next to Dan on the couch, tea cupped in both hands.
"You've got an awesome array of video games," Dan comments, eye glazing at the collection of ps3 games shoved into the bookshelf in the corner. It's completely nerdy, covered if different games, books and figurines, and it sort of makes Dan heart ping a little bit, because it reminds him a little of his own room.
"Yeah? You played any before?" Phil asks.
If there is anything Dan's ever been proud of, it's his video game skills. "Are you kidding? I own like, most of them. I'm sort of a social recluse, which, luckily, managed to manifest its way into countless hours of Call of Duty and Guitar Hero."
Phil lets out a laugh, this time louder than before and it sends tingles up Dan's spine. "Is that supposed to be some sort of challenge?"
"I'd say yes, but somehow I feel as though the only challenge you'll face is attempting to beat whatever new high scores I set on your console."
"You're sort of cocky," Phil jokes, placing his tea down and making his way towards the console.
"I prefer to use the term confident winner."
Phil raises and eyebrow, handing a remote over to Dan and pulling out Crash tag team racing. "I'm definitely taking this as a challenge."
xx
It takes all of 40 minutes and 7 rounds before Phil knows he's made a mistake. The only time he even came remotely close to winning was when he elbowed Dan in the side, in an attempted to get past him half way through a round. It was in vein though, because all Dan did was smoosh him backwards into the couch, effectively blocking his view of the TV and hindering any possible movement of his hands.
Phil sinks back into the couch, throwing his hands up in the air and letting out a small groan.
"Seriously, this is impossible. You need a handicap or something."
Dan lets a smug look cross his face, resting the controller on his lap. "Unless the cap involves the physical removal of my hands, I doubt it will change anything."
"How about, we do that, but with just one hand?"
Dan's head snaps in his direction, before a smile falls on his lips. "And here you were asking if I was the serial killer. I think it should have been the other way round. Maybe I should casually make my way over to the door before it's too late."
"Axe murderer Phil does have a bit of a ring to it."
"Oh my god," Dan laughs; slightly high pitch and a little off tone. "I just- you did not just say that. You creeper!"
Phil lets off a laugh to match Dan's, and all Dan can think is jesus what am I doing? Because Phil covers his mouth with his hand, squinting his eyes slightly and god damn if it isn't the most enduring thing Dan has ever seen.
"So," Phil says sucking in a deep breath. "I was thinking maybe we could just order some Chinese and watch a movie or something? It's like eight, and to be honest, my motivation to cook is sort of in the negatives."
Dan bites his lip slightly. The reality of the situation sinks in and he wonders how, exactly the reason as to why he's here in the first place managed to somehow escape his mind. He fidgets with his fringe slightly. He can probably afford to pay for a meal, as long as it's on the cheaper end, but then he literally has nothing left.
Phil seems to notices he's hesitation, effectively managing to interpret it the wrong way. "If you don't like Chinese we can get something else? Like pizza or even Nandos?"
Dan shakes his head, averting his eyes away from Phil slightly. "It's not that. It's uh- just, I don't really have a lot of funds on me right now. And that's totally okay, like, you can order yourself something and I can just…wait till tomorrow. Or, uh, something."
"Oh, that's okay, my shout," Phil chips in, before standing up and walking towards a draw, presumably to get a menu.
Dan let outs a frustrated sigh, because he doesn't want to accept Phils offer, especially after he's already done so much. He's never had a lot of funds, only ever worked in stores that paid him minimum wage, and they never even lasted that long, but relying on his parent's money is a whole different ball game in comparison to this.
"I'm thinking pad tai?" Phil mumbles, head tilted slightly to the side as he glances over the menu. "I have a sort of horrible habit when it comes to always ordering exactly the same thing though, maybe I should try something different. What do you think?"
"I think Pad Thai is one of the greatest dishes invented."
"So much for trying something different" Phil jokes, pulling out his mobile phone and dialling the restaurants number.
"Who said the Padi Thai was for you?"
Phil looks up from the phone, a pout falling on his face whilst creating pretend sniffling noise.
When the delivery food finally arrives they decide to watch Spirited away, Dan struggles to comprehend just how easy everything with Phil is.
xx
It's just a little after twelve when Dan realizes that not only has Phil fallen asleep on the couch next to him, but he's snoring.
He clamps a hand over his own mouth, in an attempt to stop himself from laughing. It doesn't exactly work though, because Phil lets off this tiny snort with enough force to make his head flop backwards and Dan loses whatever hope he had of keeping quiet.
Phil turns out to be a deep sleeper, which Dan is eternally grateful for. He sleeps through the attempted muffles Dan's trying to contain himself with and, five minutes later, he even sleeps though Dan turning the light off and placing a blanket over him.
xx
Dan sleeps in the next morning, or at least he thinks he does. It isn't anything out of the usual, Dan's notorious for being able to stay up all night and sleep in till over noon. He isn't exactly sure what the time is though, because apparently he forgot to take his phone into the spare room after leaving Phil. It has to be at least some time after 10 though, because he's body clock just sort of works that way.
He walks into the hall way, and travels the short distance into the joint lounge. Phil's sitting there, empty cereal bowl on the coffee table and a mac firmly placed on his lap.
"Morning!" Phil says as soon as he notices Dans presence. "There is cereal or bread in the cupboard if you want something, and the instant coffee is near the kettle…I'd offer orange juice but I sort of drank it all."
"You drank orange juice out of an Adventure time mug? Isn't that like, a sin or something?" Dan retorts, heading over towards the kitchen.
"Only if you put a hot drink in a class cup, not that I've had that experience, of course."
Dan raises his eyebrows and gives Phil a suspicious look. "Of course not."
Phil opens his mouth to say something, before jolting slightly in surprise as Dan's phone starts ringing on the coffee table.
"It's been ringing all morning, by the way," Phil comments. "You think after the fourth time I'd stop jumping but, nope-"
"It's rung four times? Who is it?" Dan asks, his movements freezing as he clenches the cereal box just a little bit too tightly.
Phil glances over at the phone, reading the screen. "It's your mum, do you want me to-"
"No!" Dan exclaims, a little more forcefully then he fully intended. Phil looks slightly surprised, his hand that had previously been reaching towards the phone flinching back.
The ringtone stops and Dan sucks in a deep breath. "Sorry, I just, I can't talk to her. She- I don't- I just can't."
Phil nods. "It's okay Dan, don't worry about it."
Dan doesn't say anything, but the guilt's smothered across his face. He finishes pouring his cereal and milk into the bowl and makes his way back over to Phil, sitting down beside him in a similar fashion to the previous night.
The phone starts ringing again, not even two minutes later.
"For fucks sake," Dan groans as he shoves his cereal down a little more forcefully.
Dan picks up the phone, before promptly clicking the decline button.
"If I don't answer the phone then clearly it's because I don't want to talk, so why the fuckwould you keep calling?"
Dan lets out a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. He's too mad to be feeling upset right now.
Phil stays silent, as if knowing that Dan needs a little space and time to get his thoughts together.
"I sort of owe you an explanation I suppose," Dan says after a while, looking up at the roof like it holds some sort of universal answer.
"You don't owe me anything, really, Dan," Phil responds and Dan sort of has a sudden urge to just lean over and kiss him, because Phil is absolutely perfect, and Dan, is not.
Dan shakes his head. "I do though, especially after everything you've done for me."
Phil looks like he's about to argue, but Dan doesn't give him the chance. "My parents kicked me out because I told them I'm gay."
Phil's eyes go almost impossibly wide and he looks as if his the one who has had his heart broken. He pursues his lips together in a thin line, before leaning over slightly and resting his hand on Dan's thigh.
"Jesus Dan, I'm so sorry. That's…really horrible." Phil states. Dan looks down at the ground and frowns.
"Yeah, well. I'd say it's my fault, but who am I fucking kidding. It's not. It's my shitty parents."
Phil gives Dan thigh a light squeeze in reassurance before removing his hand.
"It's their loss really, I mean, who wouldn't want you around? You're kind of awesome."
Dan lets out a small unexpected laugh, which surprises even him. "Flattery will get you nowhere."
Phil wiggles his eyebrows jokingly. "So all my previous efforts have been in vain then? It's not easy to pretend to loose so horribly all the time."
"You were definitely not pretending."
Just like that, the tension of the previous conversation all but evaporates.
xx
The rest of the afternoon goes smoothly, and way better then Dan ever expected. Phil doesn't give him any sort of special treatment, or at least, no more than he has currently given him. He laughs and jokes and losses almost every game they play, except for when they have a go at board games, because he somehow has an uncanny ability to know exactly what Dan's next move is going to be.
It takes a little while for it to sink in, but despite the circumstances, Dan's felt happier then he has in months, even with the weight of his parents judgement. When Phil's around, he can't really bring himself to care.
It's late in the afternoon when Phil starts rummaging around in the fridge. He's bent over and Dan can't help himself as he steals a few glances from his spot on the bench.
He stands back up, pouting at Dan. "So apparently, I really need to do some grocery shopping."
Dan looks to Phil's side and gets a glance of his fridge. He has milk, which is almost empty due to the four bowls of cereal they shared between them this morning. There's a slice of pizza covered in gladwrap and a half eaten lettuce sitting on the second shelf, with a bottle of sour cream being the only thing left on the first shelf.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but, I don't think you could have cooked us dinner yesterday if you'd even wanted to."
Phil glances back into the fridge. "You mean to say you don't like sour cream and lettuce? Your loss, it's delicious."
Dan scrunches his face up in disgust as Phil looks back at him, smiling wildly.
"I'm sure it's an acquired taste."
"So, there is a Tesco that is a few blocks away, we can hit that up and decide what we want for dinner?
"Yeah, sure." Dan agrees, standing up as Phil makes his way over to the shoe rack, the in Dan opinion is a bit of an eye sore in the lounge, but there isn't a lot of space in the hallways, so he supposes there has to be some sort of compromise.
"I've got like, 20 bucks; do you think that'd be enough for us?" Dan asks, pulling his wallet out and emptying it out onto the bench top. He wants to contribute, because Phil has done absolutely everything, and it's initially not fair for Dan to get everything handed to him so easily.
"Nah, don't worry about it. I've got enough." Phil replies, giving Dan a quick sidewards glance as he shoves a foot into one of his shoes.
Dan frowns slightly. "Seriously, take it Phil. At least put it towards my half."
Phil shakes his head, stubbornly refusing. "It's really not a problem, I already said I'd cover it, so don't worry."
Dan's never been known for having the best temper, he can snap easily, and even though it probably would be easier to just accept Phil's offer, he can't. Phil done so much for him, and his done absolutely zero to show he's appreciation and far out all he wants to do is contribute so why won't Phil just let him.
"Why not Phil? Seriously, do you pity me that much?"
His voice rises at bit towards the end of his sentence. The money sits ideally on the table and Dan takes in a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "I know I'm a bit of a hopeless case, but I'm not a charity-"
"Dan." Phil says, an almost unreadable expression covering his face. He stands up and takes a few steps towards Dan. His tone is a little forceful and it takes Dan back a bit. "I'm not acting as some sort of charity. I'm helping you as a friend, because you're in a shit circumstance that you in no way deserve. I'm sorry that your parents have been so horrible, but in all selfishness, I'm glad this happened. Because if you didn't happen to make your way into Manchester, I probably never would have known you and I can't even stand the thought of that."
Phil face is soft and Dan doesn't even have time to process his thoughts before he closes the gap between him and Phil, smashing their lips together in a hurried fever. He winds his hands in Phil's hair, pulling slightly at the silky locks and Phil runs his hands up Dan's back, closing his fists around the soft material.
When they pull apart, Dan can still feel Phil's breath on his lips and he lets out a small laugh, before reattaching their lips for a few more moments.
It's better than Dan even imagined, and it's not long before he finds himself breathless, lips swollen and immensely happy. He takes a few minutes to just look Phil over, lips red and slightly bruised, eye lashes partially closed and eyes that look so perfectly blue he could swim in them.
Phil's the most perfect, attractively kind person he's ever met, and Dan pressed so close up against him that he can feel every single inch of his body.
"I think, maybe after everything, you deserve to be a little selfish." Dan comments, and Phil lets out a laugh, ringing through the silent room. His had interlocks with Dan and they both have the biggest grins in the world.
"Yeah?" Phil questions look back down at Dan's lips. "I think so too."
xx
This time when the phone rings, Dan answers.
"Dan?" his mum asks, "I've been so worried, where are you?"
He wants to let out a laugh, because how can she be worried after kicking him out.
"In Manchester."
There's a pause on the end of the line. "What are you doing all the way over there?"
This time Dan does laugh, completely ill-humorous as he runs a hand though his curly hair. "You seem to be forgetting the part where you kicked me out of the house."
"Oh Dan, I'm sorry for that, I didn't really mean for you to leave, your father was just-"
"Unable to get past his homophobic ways, I gathered that as soon as I saw the look on his face, the yelling and fag calling was just an added bonus."
He hears shuffling on the end of the line before she replies. "Adrian spoke to your father, saying that he shouldn't have acted that way, and I agree…"
"It took a 15 year old to point out to both of you that it was wrong for kicking your son out of the house for liking guys? Wow, un-fucking-believable."
"Dan-"
He can feel Phil's presence behind him, lingering at the doorway. "You know what? I really don't want to hear your excuses. You kicking me out was sort of the best thing that ever happened to me. No amount of apologising is going to change what you did, so, I'll come back home, but when I'm ready. Nothing you say is going to change that." He hangs up the phone and turns around, only to be pulled into a bone crushing hug.
It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, bittersweet and way better than he could have ever imagined.
"I'm proud of you." Phil mutters into his hair, and Dan just grips him tighter, winding one hand into Phil's hair and the other clenching the back of his top.
"Thanks, Phil," Dan says, pulling back enough to look him in the eyes. "For everything."
Phil's hand brushes over his cheek, thumb running in circles, before closing the gap between them and joining their lips. Dan's not sure how long it lasts, but all he feels is an overwhelming sense of Phil, and he's pretty sure that's all he's ever going to need.
"You're going to stay for a while longer, right?" Phil questions, his hand rubbing the slightly exposed skin on Dan's hip.
"Yeah," Dan breaths. "Definitely."
Phil runs his hand down Dan's arm, until he reaches his hand, before entwining their fingers together.
"Good, because I haven't even got to show you my impressive cooking skills yet. So like, you need to stay for at least another week."
Dan grins like its Christmas. "At least.
xx
When Dan takes the train back home a week and a half later, he isn't even worried, because Phil is only a train trip away, and no matter what, there is nothing his parents can do about it.
