Author's Note:
I should have known that at some point I'd start writing for Shadowhunters. This currently is a one-shot, which starts at the last kiss of 2x13, but if other episodes inspire me then I could add to it. Please let me know what you think!
His thoughts and nerves raced as he sped to Brooklyn and up to Magnus' apartment. Alec knew what he wanted, knew what he needed. But he didn't even know if Magnus would forgive him.
The warlock stood on the balcony, hands clasped, staring out. Toward what, Alec didn't know. Had Magnus been watching for him? Or trying not to think of him at all? Either way, they needed to talk. Alec had things he needed to say.
"Magnus, you were right." Magnus turned, hope and surprise swirling in his eyes as Alec came face to face with the man he loved. He'd been so wrong. "You never have to prove yourself to me." He reached out and gently pulled Magnus closer, needing to touch him. To feel him. "I love you," he said.
Magnus swallowed and reached a hand to cup Alec's cheek. It felt warm on Alec's skin. It felt like home. "I love you too."
When they kissed, it wasn't magic or fireworks. It was a deep seated feeling of relief that they were both alive and okay and once again inside each other's arms. It was the feeling of knowing they were safe. That even the darkness couldn't keep them apart.
Magnus pulled back slightly, the unresolved events of the past few days still casting a shadow over them. "Alexander," he said.
"Alexander." The word echoed strangely in Alec's ear from a time long ago. His hands automatically clasped behind his back and their eyes met. And he knew, he needed Magnus to understand.
~S~
"Alexander!" his father finally shouted and the power of it this time froze the boy's voice. "I don't want to hear another word. Go to your room and wait for me."
Alec glared at his father for one more second, another argument ready on the tip of his tongue, before he thought better of it. With a huff he knew would just add to his father's anger, he left his friends and siblings in the training room and went to his bedroom.
Wait for me. Alec knew what that meant. It meant standing in the corner until his father was ready to deal with him. It meant not sitting well the rest of the night.
Hands clasped dutifully behind his back, he tried to be still as he stared cross-eyed at the stone wall. Waiting was the worst part of course. Knowing he was coming. Never knowing when or exactly for what. He remembered a time when he'd been made to wait nearly two hours. That never happened to his siblings. Izzy was a girl and Jace, well, his parents thought that Jace had been through enough. But Alec was the oldest. More had always been expected of him.
He wasn't sure how long he'd stood, but it hadn't been long, when the door suddenly opened then clicked shut behind him. Alec snapped to attention.
His father's footsteps reached the middle of the room and then stopped, allowing the air to fill with silence.
More waiting. Until he heard the deep voice of Robert Lightwood.
"Well, what do you have to say for yourself this time, Alexander?"
"I'm sorry, Sir," the boy answered. It was really all he could say.
"What by the angel came over you, questioning me that way in front of everyone?"
Now that he'd thought about it, he realized how imprudent it had been. "I don't know, Sir."
His father's voice hardened. "I don't know is not an honest answer, Alexander. Look at me."
Alec turned in his spot, not moving a muscle he didn't have to. His father, arms crossed sternly in front of him, seemed taller, bigger, and Alec wondered if it was some rune meant to intimidate.
"You need to understand, young man, that your disobedience is unacceptable," Robert started his lecture. "As a Shadowhunter, your obedience to your teachers, to the Head of this Institute, and to the Clave isn't an option, Alec. It's required. And being the oldest child of the Head does not change that. Do you understand?"
Alec lowered his eyes with shame. Of course he understood, he'd been taught the same since he was six. "Yes, Sir."
"Come here."
Alec shuffled toward him, feeling tiny beneath his father's glare. And then hard eyes softened, and a gentle hand reached out and raised his chin. Alec swallowed hard.
"You are smart, Alec. And you are courageous. And you are strong. But leadership is earned through experience, and that, young man, you do not have. Through your obedience to the Clave you will learn good and bad, right and wrong. You may not always agree with your orders, but those missions too will give you valuable experience to become a leader. And you will be a leader someday, son." Robert's warm touch disappeared along with softness of his eyes and Alec held his breath. "But not today. Hands on the bed."
Fear raced through Alec's veins, automatic and unwanted. He was a Shadowhunter after all, he laughed off bumps and bruises every day from training. He should have been able to take a spanking from his father with his composure intact. But instead he flinched when he heard the clink of metal from his father's belt and the slide of leather against fabric.
He would have much preferred the sound of a sword pulling from its sheath.
It didn't help that he knew Jace and Izzy were listening outside the door. He gripped the quilt beneath his fingers and sucked in a breath at the first lash. There was no way he was going to give them a show.
~S~
Alec's face had turned pink with embarrassment as the story spilled from his lips. "I was twelve years old," he said.
Magnus' face was turned down in a frown. His eyes were wary. "Why do you tell me this, Alexander?"
The sky was dark, but the air was light that evening on the balcony of his boyfriend's home. Magnus' kiss still lingered on his lips. When he'd come that night, he hadn't been sure he'd be able to explain. But with every second that their lips had touched, with every moment their kiss had grown deeper, Alec's need for Magnus to understand had grown stronger.
He reached out to his boyfriend's hand and was pleased when Magnus took it. "Magnus, I have trained my whole life, to obey the orders of the leaders of our Institute. Of the Clave. And I was held accountable for that by my teachers, my parents. But…" Alec took a deep breath. He knew what he was asking. He knew that it could change everything between them. But he also knew that he needed it and that what Magnus could give him, if he was willing, would be beautiful. "But as a leader, as Head of the Institute, you are right. I need to follow my gut. But as the Head, I don't…" He peered out to the streets of Brooklyn, a tingle sweeping up the back of his neck. Suddenly Magnus' gaze was too strong. "I don't have anyone to keep me…accountable. For that."
Magnus' lips pressed together and he softly shook his head. "Alec, what are you saying?"
Alec took a shallow breath. "I'm saying…" If he did it fast, he could get the words out. "I'm saying that I would like you to hold me accountable." He risked a glance back to Magnus to find creases of worry or confusion and Alec hoped beyond hope not disgust. Alec continued quickly before his boyfriend could make any type of escape. "This last mission Magnus, it was wrong. I was very wrong."
Magnus' hand slipped from Alec's dropping to his side. "You were following orders," he said, his voice hard. "Like the dutiful Shadowhunter you are." The warlock turned and walked inside, but Alec wasn't going to let him avoid this conversation. He followed, closing the balcony door behind him.
Alec reached out to Magnus' back, but he stopped in caution. There was still so much they hadn't talked about. Everything that had happened with Valentine was still too hard for Magnus to speak of, but Alec couldn't keep his own thoughts in any longer, he needed to say what he'd come to say. All of it.
"I've done a lot of following orders that has hurt you, Magnus. Hell, I almost...I almost killed you." His voice choked, the tears pushing at his senses, but Alec wasn't one to give into them. "When I asked for a strand of your hair I thought it was anger in your eyes when you told me to leave. Anger at the Clave. But looking back, I know it wasn't. It was disappointment. That I would follow orders to hurt you. Again."
Magnus flinched at Alec's words. It only made his resolve stronger.
"Magnus, I've tried to just let it go. Believe me, I make it through the day but then at night…" His guilt overwhelmed him. "I deserve something for what I did. You're trying to hide the pain I caused you and I understand and I'll respect that until you're ready, but what happened to you is my fault and I'm ready to deal with that. I need to."
Magnus' head dipped. His fingers fiddled with his rings, the black polish on his nails. There was a long silence as Magnus thought over all that Alec had said.
But Alexander Lightwood knew how to wait.
When he finally spoke, the warlock's voice was so soft, Alec had to step closer to hear. "Our bodies, Alexander, are just vessels for who we are inside. Change the body outside and we are still the same person inside. But you couldn't see that."
Shame shot through him and Alec felt like his heart tore in two. "Magnus, I'm sorry."
Magnus turned, and for once Alec thought he could almost see his age in every feature. "The good and evil inside of me are just that. Inside me. My lips don't tell you how I speak. My hands don't tell you how I touch. My heart doesn't tell you how I love and my eyes…my eyes don't tell you whether I am good or bad." Those eyes flashed with anger. "But others who have looked at me believed they did."
"Magnus-"
Magnus' gaze snapped to his. "Do you still think I was being overdramatic?"
"No, angel, no." Alec shook his head. "I shouldn't have said that."
"Our bodies can be used by others, for good or evil. In the Shadow world, we cannot let them define our guilt or innocence. A strand of my hair, Alexander, is just fiber, filled with DNA. But if Valentine proved anything, it's that my body doesn't make me who I am. My body proves nothing. My word, Alexander, that's what matters. But you were too busy following orders to listen. To see my pain. To see me. Again."
Alec closed the gap between them, and took his boyfriend's hand, thumbing over the thick skin. "That's why I need you to do this. Make me listen, Magnus. Make me see your pain. Feel it in my own skin. Please."
"And if I don't? If I can't? If it's too much?"
Alec lowered his eyes. "I worry that I'll be wrong again-"
"You will be." Centuries of experience had taught Magnus that. "Either way."
"And when I am, I fear the disappointment in your eyes won't be enough."
Magnus raised a brow, the lines in his face in his softening. "Enough for what, Alexander?"
"To undo a lifetime of training. To trust my gut, even if it means going against the Clave."
Magnus sighed. He reached up, tenderly brushing the hair at Alec's temple. "Alec, what do you want of me? I've been a father figure to hundreds of people over the centuries. But that is not what I want with you."
"I don't want that either." Alec wasn't sure of much, but he was sure of that.
"Then what?"
His sister Izzy had always thought he was a prude. But he knew a thing or two. "A Dominant?" he asked carefully. "At times?"
Alec wasn't sure if it was surprise that flashed across Magnus' face, but he was certain of the twinkle in his eyes. "At times? But not all the time?" Magnus slid his arm around his boyfriend's waist and pulled him close. A devious smile played at his lips. "Because honestly, Alexander, you are about the furthest thing from submissive in the bedroom, and I have no desire to change that."
Alec laughed, the tension releasing. "Neither do I."
"So then when?"
"Just when…" Alec reached out, placing a hand on Magnus' hip. His cheeks pinked slightly with embarrassment. "Just when it's necessary."
Breath ghosted against Alec's skin when Magnus slowly kissed his neck. Alec shivered as Magnus whispered in his ear. "I've never been one to believe in spanking a child."
Alec's heart jumped at his words. "I'm not a child," he whispered back.
"No." Magnus' lips tickled as he spoke. "You're not."
"I trust you Magnus. I want to trust you with this."
"We have a safeword. Or we use the stoplight system – green, yellow, and red."
Alec pulled back slightly, his brow arching in amusement. "So, you've done this before."
"I've played before. Scened." He placed his fingers below Alec's chin and drew himself in. "But no, Alec. I've never done this before."
"So then it will be a first time for both of us."
Magnus kissed him once again, slow and confident. Powerful. With authority.
A thrill surged through Alec's whole body and he trembled. "Can we start now?" he nearly begged.
"No." Magnus brushed his thumbs against Alec's cheeks. "I need to think. Spend the night Alexander, and when you wake in the morning, you will know."
Alec smiled and kissed him softly. "Okay."
Alec woke up to the smell of breakfast cooking. He slid out from between Magnus' red silk sheets and pulled a shirt over his head. Teeth brushed and a quick hand through his thick black hair and he headed out to see what awaited him.
His own smile was made even brighter by the one that graced his boyfriend's lips. Standing behind the counter, Magnus was happily humming a song while he got the cinnamon buns out from the oven and pulled the bacon from the sizzling pan.
"Good morning, Alexander," Magnus said with cheer and he waved a graceful hand in the direction of the kitchen table. "Take a seat, your place is already set. Breakfast will be served in just a minute."
"Thank you." Alec pulled out his chair and took his seat in front of his perfectly set century old place setting, red cloth napkin, and pure silver silverware. And beside the decadence, lay a small stack of plain lined paper. Well, it was almost plain. One sentence was written atop the page.
Alec slowly looked up to catch Magnus watching him out of the corner of his eye, feigning complete nonchalance. "What's this?" he asked.
"What does it look like?"
Alec turned back to the papers and read again the sentence, written with magic no doubt, that graced the top.
I will follow my gut before I follow orders.
He could practically feel Magnus' eyes on him. His face flushed unexpectedly. "It looks like lines. I haven't had to write lines since I was eight Magnus, you can't be serious."
Magnus pressed his shoulders back and his jaw tightened. "I am very serious, Alexander. Are you?"
Alec lowered his eyes, his heart fluttering in his chest. Was he serious? Last night he had been so sure. So eager. But this wasn't what he'd expected and now, the reality of what he'd asked for sat right in front of him and a part of him froze.
Magnus continued. "If you are serious, then you may place the pages on the writing desk for later. I don't want them to get dirty while we eat."
Alec's eyes blurred and light blue lines on the paper faded into white. He'd thought asking would be the hardest part. But now Magnus had put the decision right back into his hands. He hesitated, though he didn't know why and he didn't like that he didn't know why. He thumbed through the sheets of paper. Five in total, but Alec was sure Magnus would expect completion of both sides. It would take time.
"I have a meeting first thing this morning at the Institute."
Magnus offered a bemused smile. "Then we better get moving." He brought their breakfast over to the table, placing the dishes in the center. "Obviously, I don't expect you to complete all your pages before you go. But you do need to do at least one." He sat down across from his boyfriend. Their eyes locked.
Alec swallowed. "And the rest?"
"You may complete them in your own time," Magnus said. Alec knew the doubt and worry was all over his face and Magnus reached across the table and took his hand. "This is for you Alexander, not for me. But if we do this…" Magnus paused, allowing Alec to interject. But Alec was silent. "Then we do it right. You don't leave the apartment without having done at least one page that day. And until those lines are done, there will be no…" Magnus wiggled his fingers in the direction of Alec's lap, "pleasures of the flesh. By my hand or by yours."
Alec felt the flush of adrenaline tingling through his body before the surprise of his boyfriend's words actually hit him. "Can you do that?" he nearly squeaked.
Magnus shrugged. "I don't know. Can I?" Magnus gave him a moment. "You asked for this Alexander. When have you ever known me to do something half-way?"
Alec didn't answer. He didn't have to. His own hesitation disappeared with Magnus' determination. Magnus could do it and he would do it and, by the angel, Alec wanted him to do it desperately. He took the pages in his hand and, on shaky legs, he stood up and carried them to the writing desk, placing them down almost reverently. He traced a finger slowly across the words. There was suddenly so much power in them, it made his head spin.
The clink of silverware broke him out of his spell and he turned to see Magnus focused on his food, a small, satisfied smile playing at the corner of his lips.
Alec's mouth went dry and he cleared his throat, walking back to join Magnus at the table. He sat down, placed his napkin gracefully across his lap and picked up his fork. "I will let Jace and Izzy know that I won't be joining them on the hunt tonight. Seems being Head of the Institute brings with it a lot of paperwork."
Alec glanced up at Magnus from beneath his lids. Dark, soulful eyes stared back at him.
"A leader's work is never done, Alexander."
