Ok, this is my first attempt at a comedic fan fiction, so I don't know how funny it is. Basically, the plot is that Pein is all alone with orange boy wonder Tobi, and the rest of the Akatsuki is DEAD. Then a mysterious voice offers him a chance to revive all his fallen warriors. But what's the price?
Dead.
Everyone was completely and utter dead.
That was what Pein mournfully thought as he was stuck in a small dank cellar with an all to cheerful Tobi. Tobi had been running around the cellar for eight hours straight yelling at the top of his lungs TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!! It was annoying the first time, after eight hours, Pein was surprised he had not been driven insane.
How did this happen?
Oh yeah, everyone had to go and freaking die.
Sasori had been the first to go, and died because of an old lady, and a fifteen year old. How he ever made it into the Akatsuki was beyond Pein.
Then Hidan and Kakuzu had been killed in one go, despite the fact they were both PRACTICALLY IMMORTAL!
Then Deidara had gone and committed suicide for the sake of art, and killing Sasuke (Not that it even worked, mind you)
Itachi had then been killed by the very same Sasuke.
Konan had died because of a paper cut.
Zetsu then got into an argument with himself, and decided to see a therapist. He was never seen again. Although Pein had been mildly suspicious when he saw posters for a musical called ''Little Shop of Horrors' opening.
All that was left, was Kisame (who had killed Sasukes little minions in about five seconds flat), Madara, a deranged Sasuke, and the other seven Peins.
Madara Uchiha, had cleverly disguised himself as Tobi, in order to have people underestimate him. He had been looking through some old scrolls when some ancient jutsu had caught his eye.
'Transdimenional Alternate Reality Jutsu'
Apparently, it was supposed to cause a catastrophe at epic proportions. So he tried it out.
And in a flash of an instant, Kisame and the other seven Peins were gone.
Madara had not disappeared but for some reason, he had changed. Instead of being the strong, logical Uchiha was, he turned into a naïve fool. Not a single sentence was uttered without a hug, or a 'Tobi is a good boy!'
After a bit of research, he was able to find out what had happened to Kisame and the other Peins.
Kisame had landed in 'Sushi' restaurant. Despite have huge amounts of chakra and a bad ass sword, Kisame had been no match against the power of a Sushi knife. He was killed in precisely two seconds, where he was then served to the guests, who all liked it, but complained it tasted to 'sharky'.
The five Peins however, were doing marvelously well, and had been accepted into yet ANOTHer musical, where they would play something called the 'Von trappe family'.
They were dead to Pein.
"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"
"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"
"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"
"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"
"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"
Pein covered his ears. "Shut the hell up Tobi!"
Tobi responded by hugging Pein and proclaiming they were friends till the end. Pein wanted to kill Tobi so badly, but didn't. Why? Because He had already tried to kill Tobi 35 times already, and each time only ended up with things ended up being bad for Pein. It wasn't worth it.
Now, he was stuck in a cellar. He had tried to kill Tobi by making a sinkhole. Unfortunately, he had plunged along with Tobi, and had ended up in a cellar large enough to hold the entire village hidden in the clouds.
And for some god damn reason, the walls were not affected by chakra. At all.
Pein buried his face in his hands. Life sucked.
You look really pathetic right now Pein-kun.
Pein looked up. He had heard a distinctly feminine voice. Who had said that?
"You hear something Tobi?"
Tobi stopped running around and paused.
"No Tobi did not Pein-sama! But Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will tell Pein-sama if he hears anything! Because Tobi is a-"
Pein didn't even bother to listen to whatever Tobi would say, since it would without a doubt be gleeful, happy, optimistic, and something about being a good boy. It was official. Pein was going insane. It was about time too. If he had waited much longer, Pein would have just pulled out his piercings one by one, just so he could die of blood loss. Why had he never learned a suicidal jutsu? Or at least carry a kunai with him?
No Pein-kun. You are not going insane.
Pein rolled his eyes. "Sure I'm not."
You see Pein-kun; I am here to offer you the chance of a lifetime.
Pein just shrugged. If this is what being insane was like, it was really overrated. Not a single killer squirrel in sight. No change of scenery, no hallucinations at all, just a voice. A voice that called him Pein-kun. If this voice had a body, then that body would have been torn to many shreds for calling him that.
Tobi looked up and tilted his head. "Can I call you Pein-kun too Pein-sama? I think I should because Tobi is a good boy!"
Peins' eye twitched. Tobi heard the voice too! Did this mean he wasn't really insane?
I have a proposition for you Pein-kun.
Pein just made a defiant finger gesture, "Yeah right" he snarled.
Tobi gasped from such a formation of the hand and proceeded to have several convulsions, and finally fall to the ground, twitching like a dead cockroach, ominously muttering under his breath 'Pein is a bad boy'.
The mysterious voice, was not like Tobi and did not enjoy it when people defied her. Instead of gasping, crying, or retorting back, she did something a bit cleverer.
A small streak of lightning hit Peins one finger, and it fell off.
…
Pein was officially freaked out, now seeing he had only four fingers on one hand. He paled considerably, and backed himself into a corner.
Now, are you listening Pein-kun?
Pein nodded.
I can revive anyone you want. Friend or foe. I can create the ultimate army for your conquest. And all you have to do is fill out a little request.
Pein was listening very carefully now, since it had to do with no longer being alone with Tobi. "What sort of request?" He asked, regaining a bit of his confidence back.
All you have to do, is Get the true love of each person I revive."
"WHAT?!" Pein sputtered. True love? They were villains for god's sake! They had no true love!
Or…at least just a person of the opposite gender who they have met before, and would like to share a bed with.
Pein was speechless. He really didn't trust this voice at all. But, if he ever wanted to get away from the horror that was Tobi, he had no choice. Besides, Most of the dead Akatsuki members never loved at all (he hoped) so it was fine.
He grinned evilly. "You have yourself a deal Mysterious voice."
You may call me A.H.R-dono.
Pein did not protest but wrinkled his nose on the fact he would have to call someone that. But once he had his Akatsuki back, everything would be fine.
Now, I will perform the jutsu…
'Ninpou…Life Revival; Deus ex Machina; Fan Fiction style no jutsu!
A huge blinding light appeared at the other end of the cellar. And out came a bunch of shadowy figures, one after another. Pein grinned maniacally. He would now finally get his army back.
Alright, Now, since Sasori-kun was the first to die, he gets first pickings!
Pein rushed towards them. They all got up awkwardly, since being dead was not good for the physique. Sasori looked up, and nodded.
"Thank you A.H.R-dono"
Pein frowned. How did everyone else know the mysterious voice? And what's worse was they didn't seem to object to calling her 'dono'. It made him sick. He would just have to avoid calling the mysterious voice by a name.
Now Sasori-kun, who would you like to be your OTP?
What the hell was an Otp?
Sasori pondered. After a couple of moments his eyes lit up (or at least, for a puppet).
"When I died, There was this girl who fought against me. She was pretty hot."
Ooh! You want Sakura-chan? Aww… ok Pein-kun! Go get her!
Pein blinked. Wait…him…get…her? "Whaddya mean!? Why do I have to get her?!"
Sasori rolled his eyes, and some murmuring came from the shadowy figures in the back. All he could distinguish was a couple of curse words that, without a doubt came from Hidan.
The mysterious voice just laughed.
You're the one who has to fill out the request! Weren't you listening before? Here, I'll be nice; I'll even transport you to her whereabouts!
And in that instant, Pein was gone. He found himself in a grassy field, in the last place he had wanted to see in a long time.
Konohagakure.
Well, that's how it starts! I hope it was slightly funny, and the next chapters will be funnier. Promise! Oh, and my Tobi is based on the fact everyone always seems to characterize Tobi as an adhd optimist who always says Tobi is a good boy. Let's get something straight. Zetus said that. And Tobi is Madara Uchiha.
