AN: As with all long fics I have an obligatory list of disclaimers, rants, instructions and notes at the beginning so I don't have to #!*% repeat myself like a broken record.

The Transformers are property of Hasbro. Any characters seen here will, undoubtedly, be property of Hasbro. I am poor. I can barely feed myself much less buy the Transformers. But you could bet your sweet life I would if I could afford it.

I have officially jumped on the Bandwagon and this story features HUMAN TFs. If you don't like that then you can just move right on down the line there.

This is a SLASH story. There will me man/man in this story. If you don't like that then press the magical little back button at the top of your server and don't leave a #!*% comment about how this story is #!*% and I should write better fics.

This story is not a light and fluffy walk in the park. It will contain: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Violence, Family Issues and serious mind-fuckery at some points. Don't like? Don't read. I will repeat this as often as I need to.

I update in my own time. So don't go giving me no #!*% about how I'm a lazy #!*% and need to update faster. I write this story in my free time and if you haven't noticed it's one of no less than six unfinished fics here. Yeah.

I AM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN AND HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. DON'T YOU DARE GO #!*% TO BE!

Flames will be castrated, beaten within an inch of their lives and crucified for all to see if I see them. Choose your words wisely.

Now that all that is out of the way: ENJOY THE FIC!

Southern Values and Californication

Chapter 1

"P I N K
P I M P
I'm back again
I know you all missed me
I'm so so sick
Can't handle it
Yeah I talk ****
Just deal with it

My rims are 23 inch
And they're black on black
No they're not his
Diamonds all over my teefs
You can try and try you can't beat me

So I'll cash my cheques and place my bets
And hope I'll always win
Even if I don't I'm ***ked because
I live a life of sin
But it's alright
I don't give a #!*%
I don't play your rules I make my own
Tonight
I'll do what I want
Cuz I can!"

~~ P!NK "Cuz I Can"

The white and electric blue Porche Panamera could turn heads in a big city on a regular day. So when it came tearing through the small town of Temple, Texas before the engine gave a loud "ku-chunk!" and the car screamed to a halt everyone noticed.

Hound in particular.

The young man had been sitting on the hood of his army green jeep, camera in hand as he took photos of the nearby buildings. When he heard the obnoxious yet undeniable sick sound of the car he turned and had to stare.

The sleek, low riding sports car was smoking under the hood and Hound – who knew little to nothing about cars other than "that's bad" – flinched. That was one #!*% expensive looking car… He snapped a quick photo out of unconscious habit, raising the camera to his eye when the door opened.

His finger froze and his eyes widened, the camera creeping away from his face at the sight of the driver.

If the car had been beautiful the driver was drop-dead gorgeous.

Tall and slender with pure white skin and hair with pale blue eyes, the young man moved with an easy grace, standing straight and proud as he walked to the front of his car. At the moment his sharp, aristocratic features were twisted into a scowl and he was shucking the white fitted coat from his shoulders, revealing a baby-blue button-down shirt underneath. He popped the hood of his car, coughing and waving the smoke away as he peered at the engine, growling loudly in aggravation when he couldn't find an obvious problem.

Hound, who had been busy staring at the shapely #!*% that was emphasized by tight white pants, jumped when the young man's attention was set on him.

"You!" The voice was smooth and rich, but the bite in it was enough to make Hound think twice. "Get over here and help me push my car to a repair shop, you dumb hick!"

Hound blinked and looked around before shrugging and sliding off his car, putting his camera away and walking over to the car as the young man closed the hood.

"The shop is back that way." He pointed to the direction that the driver had come from. He received a haughty sneer, a #!*% of sharp hips and a flick of pale hair for his comment.

"Well then help me push the #!*% car in that way." He said as if speaking to a mentally retarded child.

Hound shrugged his thick shoulders, pulled off his tee shirt so he wouldn't get sweat on it, and placed his hands on the bumper of the car. The young man's eyes followed his movements as Hound easily pushed the car up the road, a thin, pale eyebrow rising as sharp blue eyes noted the taunt back muscles and sculpted figure of the young man.

Hound was tall and muscular, his skin covered by a farmer's tan and his dark green hair shaggy and cut fairly short. It fell into warm blue eyes and his square face had a healthy glow to it. He was cute. Not stunningly handsome or particularly attractive but cute in the sort of "puppy-dog with floppy ears" way. He wore a pair of tanned cargo pants with suspenders around his shoulder, his discarded shirt slung over his shoulder as well.

Hound glanced up when he felt eyes on him and the other boy sneered, letting his eyes linger, daring the young boy to say something. Hound, for his part, blushed and looked down, returning to pushing the car up the road.

By the time they go to the repair shop Hound was covered in sweat and the pale young man was slightly #!*% .

It was the middle of summer. In Texas. At three in the afternoon.

"How can you live in this?" He asked snippishly, walking into the repair shop with Hound following behind him like a stray dog.

"Well we don't usually come out that much in the summer unless we have to tend the crops or go somewhere."

The albino boy glared at Hound for a moment before looking around the empty shop.

"Can I get someone to fix my car?" He called angrily. Kup came in, the older man raising a worn eyebrow at the sight of the immaculate young man.

"An' who might you be?" The old mechanic asked, wiping off his grease covered hands.

"Mirage DeLiginer." The young man tilted his head in such a way that gave the impression he was looking down his nose at Kup. "I need my car fixed." He pointed out the window to the still smoking car and Kup's eyes widened. He trundled around to the car, lifting the hood and peering at the engine.

"Well…" Kup murmured, chewing his tobacco slightly.

"Well?" Mirage echoed, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Looks like two sparkplugs exploded in here… Engine's shot and I don't have the parts to replace for this model…"

"How long would it take you to get the parts?" Mirage sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily.

"About a week to ten days…. Maybe more depending on where I can buy the parts."

Mirage groaned and ran a hand through his sleek, long hair.

"Fine… Where's this town's best hotel?"

Kup gave a gravelly, harsh laugh at that.

"This town doesn't have a "best hotel". We have a motel that people die in and that is pretty much it." The older man chuckled. Kup nodded to Hound, who was standing behind Mirage, observing the other boy intently. "Hound's daddy is the owner of a local bed and breakfast, you could probably stay with him."

Hound jumped at being dragged into the conversation, looking up with wide eyes.

"Wh-what?"

"Oh, it speaks." Mirage murmured. Hound blushed and looked down, staring at his cowboy boot clad feet next to Mirage's clean white designer boots. "Well?"

Hound glanced up, surprised that the other boy was talking to him.

"Help me get my bags and take me to where-ever I'm staying." Mirage rolled his eyes and Hound blinked before springing into action, helping Mirage gather up his things from the car as Kup went to get on the phone with a parts dealer.

"You know I'm rare
You stop and stare
You think I care
I don't
You talk real loud
But you ain't saying nothing cool
I could fit your whole house in my swimming pool

My life's a fantasy
That you're not smart enough to even dream
My ice is making me freeze
You can try and try you can't beat me

Uh
Break it down
It's tough times out here ya know what I'm saying mmhmm
Yeah I'm super thick
People say I'm much too chick
Come and kiss the ring
You just might learn a couple things
I'm trying to school you dog
Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff
I'm your worst nightmare
Bring it we can take it there
What are you scared

So I'll cash my cheques and place my bets
And hope I'll always win
Even if I don't I'm ***ked because
I live a life of sin
But it's alright
I don't give a #!*%
I don't play your rules I make my own
Tonight
I'll do what I want
Cuz I can
Yeah!"

~~ P!NK "Cuz I Can"

EDIT: Okay, so it just didn't feel right not putting lyrics to the songs that I listen to while I write these chapters (spread my insanity through music!) so this has been altered ever so slightly.

NOW. If you think you have a good "Hound/Mirage" song somewhere in your MP3, iPod or some other music media then tell me and your song might be featured in this story! I also always enjoy input from readers (a little bit more than "please continue!" or "good job!") and if you have an idea for this story then feel free to share! I AM A SHAMELESS REVIEW WHORE SO IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY THEN SAY IT! GIVE ME REACTIONS, ADVICE, CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISMS, IDEAS, CURIOUSITIES, QUESTIONS, SUGGESTIONS!

*throws arms out*

FEED ME WITH YOUR REVIEWS!