Author's Note: So I was re-reading my fanfic series for Escaflowne out of sheer boredom and thought to myself, "Wow, these are pretty horrible." Well, maybe they're not horrible, but I know I can do much better now that I've gotten alot more experience brutally dismembering- er, I mean, spoofing classic animes. Come on, after fifty chapters of Blood+, and twenty-five of Blue Exorcist? I got this shit. So I've decided to re-do my Escaflowne series, seeing as it's my first and oldest series I mocked, and therefore I feel like I owe it to make it better. This is the first re-written chapter, and I'll slowly be uploading new ones. There's no set release dates (once a week, once a month, etc), I'll just be doing them whenever I'm bored/have the time. I don't mind if no-one reads them, either, it's more for myself than anyone else. Off I go!
Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.
Escaflowne
Episode 1
Eff-ed Up Confession
"Geez, where is that girl?!" Yukari snapped from her seat on the bleachers. Stretching out her aching legs, she glanced around the outdoor track-field furtively. Athletes stood here and there on the sidelines, warming up for their runs, but none of them was the girl she was looking for. "She's always late. Late for practice, late for lunch, late for her period– oh. Wait. I'm not supposed to tell anyone about that. Forget I said anything!" She cleared her throat and continued looking.
Not too far off, cries of "Excuse me!", "Gang way!", and "Outta mah way, bi-otch, before I bust ya face!" could be heard as Hitomi Kanzaki, our adorably tom-boyish heroine, hurriedly made her way across the schoolyard, heading to practice.
"Why am I always late?" She gasped aloud while shoving a pint-sized underclassman out of the way and into the path of oncoming traffic. Oblivious to the ensuing shrieks of pain and screeching of tires, she continued, "I'm late for practice, late for lunch, late for my period – oh. Wait. That was just a false alarm. Forget I said that!"
Drawing herself up as she approached the stairs, she sprang easily into the air and landed gracefully in slow motion onto the pavement below. Abruptly, there was a loud *snap!* and Hitomi fell to the ground, screaming and clutching her ankle in agony. Shortly afterward, an ambulance pulled up and, after the paramedics placed her thrashing body on a stretcher, transported her to the nearest available hospital.
About an hour and a thousand dollars later, Hitomi came hobbling down the steps of her previously failed attempt at a good first impression and slowly made her way over to Yukari, who glared at her impatiently, hands on her hips.
"Wanna sign my cast-" Hitomi began.
"No I do NOT wanna sign you stupid- OHMYGODIT'SHIM!" Yukari suddenly squealed in delight and grabbed Hitomi's arm, shaking her violently. "Look, look! It's…it's…Justin Bieber!" Her squeal rose to ear-piercing proportions as Hitomi winced and tugged her arm back.
"Um…don't you mean it's Amano?"
"What? Oh. Right." Yukari blushed in embarrassment. "…You gotta admit they look alike." Hitomi stared at her.
"…No they don't."
"Yes, they do, a little!" Yukari pressed. "Look, he's lining up!"
"They're not even the same race-"
"JUST SHUT UP AND OGLE YOUR CRUSH YOU STUPID WHORE!"
"OKAY FINE!" Hitomi turned to swoon at a tall, long-haired boy lining up with the others at one end of the track. "Daaamn, those short-shorts should be outlawed! Baby got BACK!" She shouted aloud. "I'd climb up them legs like a LADDER!" She finished off with a loud wolf whistle.
"…I thought you said you were gonna be subtle," Yukari said, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah fuck it," Hitomi shot back.
Amano bent over – Hitomi opened her mouth again but stopped at a look from her friend – and shot from his mark as the starting pistol sounded. Blasting past all the others, he easily took first place and streaked across the finish line, turning to wink at the girls-
*Snap!*
Amano fell to the ground, frothing at the mouth and clutching his ankle.
"…Well you two certainly have something in common!" Yukari said as the ambulance pulled away with Amano in back. "Come on, it's your turn. Why don't you show off your well-toned thighs?" Without even a 'you're pretty' or buying her a drink, she seized Hitomi's pants and whipped them down to reveal-
"YUKARI!"
"Oops. I got your undies too. My bad."
…EVERYTHING.
"I'm gonna kill you!" Hitomi yanked her shorts and panties back up, face crimson in mortification. "Thank God I shaved…" Yukari blinked.
"Wait what-"
"My legs!"
"…Alright then."
Leaving her friend's side, Hitomi took her mark at the starting line with the other girl athletes, ready for her turn to race.
"On your marks!"
Hitomi bent over, and inconspicuously, her pink pendant fell out from beneath her shirt and hung free for all to see. Hey – it's not like its important or anything, right? Hitomi quickly tucked it back into the safety of her shirt.
*Bang!*
Hitomi sprang from her mark, pedaling her strong legs as fast as she could, and quickly took the lead.
"You go, girl!" Yukari cheered from the sidelines, hopping up and down in excitement. "I'd tots go gay for you!"
As Hitomi neared the finish line, a strange flash of light suddenly blinded her vision, and a young man with dark hair and strange armor stood before her.
"Hot DAMN!" Hitomi thought to herself as she closed the gap between them. "Forget Amano! Who's this tall glass of-" Strangely, however, she simply passed through the boy as she approached, instead of full-body tackling him like she so desperately wanted. "…Nothing? Son of a…!" The disappointment was too great, and Hitomi's senses left her as she fell unconscious and collapsed.
Strange figures and images drifted through Hitomi's mind as she slept. The young hotty she had just seen stood in a dark room in front of a gargantuan, grizzled man with scars on his face.
"Okay, prince, be a good lil' boy and go kill a dragon. Try to be back before supper. We're having hamburgers!" The large man grunted. "Also, try not to be supper, like your loser brother."
The young man glanced sharply at him, face twisting in fury. "My brother? I have no brother! He shames our family name! He is a disgrace, a miscreant, a–" The strange scene began to fade out as darkness crept in.
"Wait I'm not done yet I just found a thesaurus!"
Another vision danced into sight, this one of giant robot-things battling under a blood red sky, surrounded by crumbling towers.
"Holy freaking crap." Hitomi said in awe. "What did those people at the hospital GIVE me?" She paused. "I totally want some more." The ground beneath her feet crumbled, and she fell screaming into blackness. "Wait I was kidding!" A winged specter suddenly appeared from high above and swooped down to save her, gently catching her hand. "…For the third time today, DAAAMN!" The scene began to fade away again. "Just when it was getting good!"
Hitomi slowly opened her eyes and looked around in a haze of sleep. She was in the high school infirmary, tucked in bed, and – sweet shit! Amano was sitting right next to her! What was he doing here? Quick, how did she look? Did her breath smell? Did she have B.O.? Did she have a wardrobe malfunction? Wait, that might help-
"Hey, Hitomi!" Amano said, breaking the awkward silence. "I brought you here after you fainted on the racetrack. Don't ask HOW I did it with my broken ankle." Hitomi noticed his fluorescent-pink cast and resisted the urge to write her number on it. "Anyway, are you okay? You aren't bulimic or anything, are you?" She smiled at his concern. "Because I've got some tips for you-"
"Wait WHAT-"
"How else do you think I keep this dynamite figure?" Amano asked in exasperation, gesturing to all of himself grandly. Hitomi frowned at him.
"…Tai-Bo?"
"Oh, I'll Tai your Bo, baby," Amano crooned, leaning close. "Wanna know how else I keep fit?"
"…Prunes?" Hitomi guessed again as he loomed over her.
"Vag-block!" Yukari hollered as she violently kicked open the door and froze upon finding Hitomi and Amano in a very precarious position.
"It's not what you think!" Hitomi began desperately.
"It's exactly what you think!" Amano finished. "…Wanna join us?"
Yukari stared at them for several long moments before seizing Hitomi and dragging her the hell outta there.
"Call me!" Amano yelled after them.
-Later-
"What the hell was THAT?" Yukari asked as the two girls walked home after school.
"I really, really don't know." Hitomi scrunched her face in confusion. "Did I just score?"
"The only thing YOU scored was another point in the WHORE book-"
"Oh my God nothing happened!" Hitomi protested. "And don't you dare go around telling everyone like last time! Boys are still calling me! I'm gonna have to change my number!"
"Well, I can forget about what I saw…" Yukari said slyly, "for…say…fifty bucks."
"Fifty bucks! Are you crazy?! I thought you were my friend!" Hitomi cried in outrage.
"Naw…I'm just kidding." Yukari smiled back. "I'll take your cheesecake."
"MY CHEESECAKE?!" Hitomi stopped in her tracks, even more appalled than before. "You sick BITCH! You know how much I love cheesecake – more than Amano, I'll tell you that much – and you want to take that joy away from me?! How can you- "
"Y'know, Hitomi," Yukari said out of the blue, "You should tell Amano how you feel about him."
"I…do…happen…cheesecake…WHAT?!" Hitomi mumbled in confusion over the sudden change of subject. "I…I can't do that! I'm not ready! Why bring that up now?!" Yukari gave her a serious look.
"Because Amano's leaving." Hitomi gasped. "Overseas." Hitomi gurgled. "Tomorrow." Hitomi clutched at her chest. "You'll probably never see him again." Hitomi was frantically pounding at her breast, trying to make her heart function again. "EVER." Hitomi fell to the ground in spasms before slipping into a coma. "Hitomi?" She twitched a couple times. "…You're taking this pretty well."
-That Night, at Hitomi's House-
"Ugh," Hitomi sighed, sitting down at her desk. "What a day. Thank God Yukari knows CPR. And she's a surprisingly good kisser. Must have to do with that gay thing she said before- but anyway! I might as well do a reading on Amano and I…"
She took out her pack of Tarot Cards and began, placing the cards on the desk and discerning the hidden meanings.
"Hmm, let's see…Ace of Serpents…the Tower card…do not pass-go, do not collect- how the hell did that get in there?" Suddenly she gasped aloud. "No! It looks like what Yukari said about Amano is true! He really is leaving! What do I do now?" She thought back to her and Yukari's previous conversation. "I guess I should tell him how I feel…" Suddenly she squinted her eyes and peered closer at the cards. "Wait what's this about Amano having a wig-"
-The Next Day, After School-
"Amano!" Hitomi called out, running fast across the track yard to catch up with her crush. "Wait! Don't leave yet!" Amano turned and waited for her.
"What is it? Wanna pick up where we left off?" He grinned and raised an eyebrow suggestively. Hitomi ignored the inappropriate behavior and plowed on.
"I want to ask you something before you leave." She held out her pendant, which sparkled in the setting sun. "If I can break my record of 13 seconds for the 100 meter dash, would you please-"
"Take your virginity?" Amano finished for her.
"No!" Hitomi said, horrified. "I want-"
"Oh, you're not a virgin? Goody for me then, it'll make things easier-"
"That's not what I-"
"Alright, fine. You want to make out? Do a strip-tease? French kiss a little? C'mon, what am I looking at, here?"
"A KISS! An innocent, chaste, closed-mouth kiss! That's all! Okay?! Geez!" Hitomi hollered. Amano frowned deeply as he contemplated this.
"You don't have herpes, do you?"
"Okay I am seriously reconsidering my feeling for y-"
"VAG-BLOCK!"
Suddenly the track lights snapped on, illuminating the deepening darkness.
"My eyes!" Hitomi screamed.
"My hair!" Amano shrieked.
"Whoops, sorry." Yukari blushed sheepishly, stepping away from the light switches and waving a hand. "Hitomi! Look!" She held up a bag. "I coincidently brought your gym bag full of everything you'll need in the unlikely event of an abduction to a faraway land! You probably won't even be needing it, right?"
"Thanks!" Hitomi mumbled, pulling her jacket off over her head. Now properly dressed for the occasion in track attire, she took her mark at the start of the track and bent over. Amano raised his hand and let Hitomi's pendant swing free, counting the seconds.
"Go!" He cried. "One! Two! Uh…eleventeen?"
Hitomi took off and set her sights on the finish line in the distance. She closed in fast as she mentally squealed in delight at the thought of getting her first kiss from Amano. Hold on did she brush her teeth that morning-
Suddenly, that all-too-familiar flash of light returned, with a vengeance. Striking the ground in front of her like a bolt of lighting, the attractive young lad appeared again, decked in his strange armor and sword.
"No!" Hitomi cried hysterically. "Not now! I know you're hot and all but this is my first kiss! From Amano! Can't this wait? Thank God you're not real, so I can just-"
*THUD!*
"…break my face on you," Hitomi finished as she slammed into the boy and fell back hard on her fanny. "…and my butt, too."
"No!" Amano wailed in dismay. "Those are the best parts!" Yukari smacked him upside the head. Hitomi looked up at the newly-arrived stranger.
"What's the deal?! Who are you? I thought you were just a fantasy- "
"Excuse me?!" Amano hotly intervened, glaring down at the boy. "Hitomi, I thought I was your only sexual fantasy- unless you're cool with a three-way-"
"There seems to be no intelligent life on this planet…" The stranger grumbled to himself.
"What's going on?!" Yukari asked as she ran over. "Oh, not another one, Hitomi!"
"Can it, Yukari! Answer me! Who are you?" Hitomi demanded.
"I am Van of Fanelia..." The boy said dramatically, cocking an eyebrow at her. "And you'd better clear out of here. There's a dragon coming." He paused for effect.
*Chirp chirp!*
Van cleared his throat and repeated, a little louder, "I said, there's a dragon coming."
Now even the crickets were silent. Hitomi and Yukari exchanged confused glances. Amano coughed nervously and scratched his balls. Van growled impatiently and turned towards the shadows.
"HEY! DRAGON! Get your scaly ass over here! Stop making me look like a dick!"
A deep bellow of rage and earth-shattering footsteps immediately issued from a forest that had strangely sprung up from nowhere. A huge brown dragon lumbered from the trees, snarling in anger. Reptilian eyes blinking in the light, it fastened its hungry gaze on Van and roared once again.
"That got its attention." Van smiled in satisfaction. He glanced back at the others. "Now, don't worry. You just have to remain perfectly calm, don't scream, and don't make any sudden movements so as not to upset- "
"RUNNNN! DRAGON! RUUUUUNNNN!" Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano all screamed at the top of their lungs, wind-milling their arms and running in circles in their panic. The dragon immediately roared and slammed its powerful tail into Van's gut, doubling him over in agony.
"Thanks bunches, guys." He gasped out, spitting blood. Gathering himself, he pulled a crossbow from somewhere on his person. "I'll pay you back an eye for an eye," he said cheesily as he accurately shot out one of the dragon's eyes ("Oh my God that was a good one-" "No it wasn't shut UP Amano!"). The beast screamed in pain, then countered with belching fire onto the vulnerable warrior. Van, luckily, was safe and sound behind his nifty-looking shield.
Hitomi, Yukari, and Amano seized their chance to make a quick getaway. Well, it would have been quick, except…
"Oh! My ankle!" Yukari went down in a heap.
"C'mon, get up! You can make it!" Hitomi urged. Yukari complied.
"Oh! My other ankle!" She collapsed again.
"Get UP, Yukari! You can do this!" Hitomi hauled her back up. "Let's go before the dragon gets us!"
"Oh! Both my ankles!" And down again.
"YOU'RE ON THE FUCKING TRACK TEAM, YUKARI!"
"I'M JUST THE MANAGER!"
"For goodness sake! Get on!" Amano scooched down to allow Yukari to clamber onto his back. "Why does this always have to happen during a dramatic scene- is that a C-cup I feel?"
The three quickly ran towards the nearby hilltop temple and headed up the stairs.
"We'll be safe up here!" Amano told the girls with unshakeable confidence. "There's no way that dragon can climb up these stairs!" Hitomi rolled her eyes.
"Yeah because apparently even Yukari can't-" she muttered.
"LAY OFF ME!"
Back with Van and the dragon, things weren't going so well. Having lost interest in Van, the dragon swept its remaining eye in the direction of the three escapees and started after them, growling in hunger. Van intervened.
"Not so fast, big boy!" He snapped out a cool-looking hook thing from his arm and succeeded in catching onto the dragon's scaly back as it took off. Pulling a cowboy hat out, he began to ride it like a rodeo bull. "Yeehaw! Ride 'em, cowboy!" Rodeo clowns leapt up from their chairs at a table and tried to distract the dragon by running around, shouting and waving their arms, but to no avail. The dragon, after snatching up one of the hapless clown for a quick snack, charged past without a second glance. Coming to the stairs previously appraised by Amano, it leapt into the air and used the gate poles as a quick and easy means of transportation.
"Okay, I changed my mind. I don't want to kiss you anymore," Hitomi told Amano as she watched the approaching dragon heave itself up after them. "I want to punch you. Repeatedly."
"But I was sure it would work!" Amano whined.
"It made it EASIER!"
"Enough!" Van cried from atop the dragon. He leapt off and readied his sword before the beast. "Come on! Let's finish this!" The dragon growled in agreement, fangs flashing in the moonlight.
Hitomi gasped and closed her eyes as a sudden image popped into her head. She saw the result of the battle; the dragon using its tail to impale the boy like a human shish kabob!
"I have to help him!" She shoved past the others and ran down the stairs. "Hey! You! Hot Stuff! Watch out for the TAIL!"
"Watch out for the what now?" Van turned to see what the weird girl was hollering about. Luckily enough for him, that move saved his life. The dragon narrowly missed him with the deadly downward sweep of its tail and simply ripped off the boy's armor, stapling it to the ground. Van stood still for several seconds, blinking rapidly.
"I could have sworn I had on some armor a few seconds ago," he stated matter-of-factly. "Wait a second. Yes I was!" He rounded on the dragon, face darkening in anger. "That was my best Fanelian armor! Do you know how much that costs?! I saved up for a YEAR! Prepare to die!" So saying, he leapt up and over the tail of the dragon and sliced it a new ass as well as a new stomach, chest cavity, and throat.
"Yay! He killed the dragon!" Hitomi cheered. "He's the one I want a kiss from!" She hesitated upon seeing the copious amount of steaming dragon's blood covering him. "Um…maybe later. After he bathes and stuff. And maybe brushes his hair a little."
Van adjusted the grip on his blade and expertly slashed open the dragon's chest, pulling out…
"Yes! My very own Drag-Energist! Worship me!" He crowed, holding his prize aloft. Hitomi's face was a mask of horror.
"…I think that's its spleen."
"What?" Van looked up and saw the glistening organ. "Oh, ew. Wrong one. Okay, let's see…" He rummaged about inside the carcass for several moments before finally locating his prize. He pulled the Drag-Energist free, which turned out to be a pink crystal ball.
"Is that bling?" Hitomi asked, stepping close. "It looks like bling."
"Hmph!" Van snorted at her rudely. "Listen, girl. I didn't need your help to kill that dragon. I could have done it by myself!"
"You know what else you can go do by yourself?" Hitomi retorted. "Fuck."
"…I don't get it," Amano said blankly. Yukari rolled her eyes.
"She's telling him to go fuck himself, stupid."
"Ohhhhhhh- hey!"
With no warning, that familiar beam o' light suddenly appeared again and surrounded Hitomi and Van. "Beam me up, Scotty!" Van cried, ready to return to the mother ship. They both began to float upwards, into the sky.
"Help! Get me down!" Hitomi shrieked as she rose. "Wait how the hell did you get that reference-"
"I'll get you down!" Amano dumped Yukari off his back with a squawk and ran for her, but she was already too high up. "Hitomi! What should I- oh WOW that's a great angle! Stay like that!"
"QUIT PEEKING AT MY GOODS AND GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" Hitomi hollered at him, trying to adjust her skirt. Her pendent drifted free of Amano's clutches and into her waiting hands.
"Here, Hitomi!" Yukari called from the ground, tossing her bag into the beam as well. "You've got your gym bag, which is chock-full of everything you'll need in this type of emergency! You'll be fine!"
"Bitch, did you KNOW this was gonna happen?!" Hitomi yelled back down.
"What?!"
"Because if you DID, I will– "
*THUD!*
"OOF!" Hitomi grunted, then gingerly rubbed her stinging rear. "Y'know, nothing really tops a shitty day off like breaking you ass twice after fainting, having vivid hallucinations, not getting kissed by your crush, and almost getting eaten by a dragon."
"You forgot getting treated like shit by a hot stranger," Van added.
"Oh gee thanks. That too," she snapped at him. She glanced around and found herself in the middle of nowhere. And 'nowhere' was a meadow with two freaky-ass moons in the sky and darkness all around and who the fuck knows what in the darkness.
"Wh…where the hell am I?!" Hitomi cried, glancing around in fear. "What is this place? And…where the HELL is that freaky music coming from?!" The music sounded like Gregorian Monks singing a chant out of thin air.
"Eeeeesssscccaaaaafflllooooownnneeee…..Eeeessscccaaaaffflooowwwwnne…" They sang.
"Uh, yeah. They do that a lot. You get used to them." Van explained with a shrug.
"I SWEAR, if one more freaky thing happens I'm gonna- " Hitomi was cut short by the snarling of animals in the shadows. Around the pair, glowing eyes shone from the darkness, staring at them hungrily. "…I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, but I think it's 'piss myself'."
-Episode 1 End-
