MARRIED… WITH KAORU

Disclaimer: We do not own Rurouni Kenshin in any way! These stories are made solely for the purpose of entertainment. We do not intend to make a profit off them.

Introduction

Welcome to this creation, which we call "Married… with Kaoru." All these episodes are written by me, Zürthüryx Hemtolig Qosdarlu, and my co-forger, Thejyreq Vazgothicus Ldeikone. This project was influenced a little bit by "Married… with Children," hence the title. First, I will describe the setting of the story and the characters. The story takes place in Tokyo, just like the show. Kenshin is twenty-eight and Kaoru is twenty-seven. Kaoru makes the money in the family. She teaches classes in her dojo, and Kenshin does the chores. They are married, and Kenji is their son. He is ten and his best friend is Yahiko, who is also ten. Sano and Megumi are married and they live next door to Kenshin. Sano is twenty-five and Megumi is twenty-six. Megumi is a doctor, so she supports Sano and herself by treating the wounded and sick. Second, I will describe how the story is setup. This will be written like a TV show. It will have multiple episodes divided into seasons. There will be thirteen episodes per season. We hope you enjoy this series. We have a whole bunch of episode plots already made out, so we'll see what happens. We really encourage and appreciate reviews. Our main concern is that people find these stories funny. Thank you for your support!

Season 1

NO KAORU NONE THE RICHER

It was a day just like any other at the Kamiya dojo. Yahiko was awaiting his lesson with Kaoru. Being the brat that he was, he decided to give her a little welcoming ceremony. He hid right next to the door; so no one could see him as they came in. While he did this, Kaoru walked calmly to the dojo, unaware of what was about to happen. As she walked in the door and made her way inside, Yahiko jumped from the wall screaming. Kaoru then jumped in the air and almost fell on her back. When she saw that it was Yahiko, she was pissed. "Yahiko, you little turd," she hollered.

She then grabbed her bokken that she had dropped and went after Yahiko. Yahiko ran out of the dojo with Kaoru swinging the bokken behind him. "Help me," he screamed, "Kaoru is trying to obliterate me!"

Kaoru caught up with him, grabbed his shirt, and dragged him off to the dojo.

"Listen to me you little hellion," Kaoru snapped, "You have to respect your elders, such as me. You nearly scarred me half to death. If you ever pull any crap like this again, you will be severally punished. You are now going to remain in this corner and think about what you have done."

She then stormed off.

"Stupid Kaoru," Yahiko said to himself. "She has no authority over me. I must find some way to get revenge on her."

He then went outside. While he was outside, he saw Kenshin trying to balance on a rock. Kenshin lost his balance, fell off, and landed in a mud hole. "Cool," Kenshin cried, "This is way excellent. My clothes are all dirty. Now, Kaoru has more laundry to do. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Wait a second; I do the laundry! Damn it!"

Yahiko then got an evil smirk on his face. He said, "I have figured it out. I will steal the one thing that Kaoru treasures most. I will steal Kenshin! Ha, ha, ha ,ha!"

"Yahiko, what are you laughing at?" asked Kenshin as he walked up to him.

"Uh…look, there's some saké over by that tree," he said as he pointed.

"Saké!" Kenshin said as he started drooling, while staring blankly into space.

He then ran over to the tree to find the imaginary saké. Yahiko decided to get into Sano's house because his wife, Megumi, had all kinds of herbs and potions. He sneaked up to their house and he quietly opened the door and walked in. As he walked to their room, Sano saw him. He asked, "What are you doing in my house?"

"Well, why wouldn't I be in your house?" asked Yahiko.

"Uh…good point, I'll see you later."

Sano then trailed off outside.

"Yes! Score one for Yahiko. I hope I don't run into Megumi. She's the only one who has any brains around here."

He then got into Megumi's special room where she kept all her medical stuff. After rummaging through her things and invading her privacy, he found a potion that would put Kenshin to sleep. While looking at the bottle, he saw a label. "It says here," quoting Yahiko, "that it may cause a coma. Ah well, it will be Kenshin's problem then."

He then took it and ran off. Kenshin was in the dojo sitting on the floor. He was thinking of a happy place. He was thinking of a place where Kaoru did not exist. Yahiko came up to him very excited. He said, "Hey Kenshin, want some saké?"

Kenshin thought to himself for a while. He said in his mind, "Something is not right. Yahiko is never this nice to me."

He then said to Yahiko, "Yahiko, I know what is going on."

"You do?"

"Of course I do. You finally realized how cool I am and you want to do things for me."

"Uh, yeah that's it."

"Ok, go get me some of that saké!"

Yahiko then left the room to get the saké. "What an idiot!" thought Yahiko as he walked to the kitchen.

Yahiko swiftly returned with the drugged saké. He gave the cup to Kenshin and he drank it. Kenshin could feel his brain imploding. Kenshin then fell to the ground, completely knocked out. Yahiko grabbed Kenshin's arms and started to drag him off.

Yahiko mumbled as he dragged Kenshin, "I can't believe how much this guy weighs. It is like dragging a sack of crap around. Hold on, this is a sack of crap."

After an hour or so, Yahiko arrived at his house. He took Kenshin and tied him to a tree in a sitting position. He took Kenshin's sword so he could not use it to cut the rope. As he held the sword to the sun he said to himself, "I wonder what I should do with this. Maybe I can sell it to the mob or something."

After a few more minutes, Kenshin finally came to. "Where am I?" he asked.

"You are at my house," said Yahiko. "I have kidnapped you to get revenge on Kaoru. You can plead with me all you want, but I will never let you go."

"If I am stuck here, then I do not have to deal with Kaoru. Sweet!"

"Ok? I will bring you some supper when it's ready."

He then went into his house.

Kenshin said to himself, "I am the luckiest man alive. I don't have to listen to Kaoru's constant nagging and winning and complaining. I don't have to do mind numbing chores anymore, and the best part is that I don't have to eat her awful cooking!"

He then started bobbing his head from side to side while repeating "No Kaoru" over and over again. While he was tied to the tree, it rained, it snowed, there was a heat wave, the temperature dropped below zero and there was a hurricane. Eventually, Yahiko then came out of his house.

Kenshin asked Yahiko, "How long have I been out here?"

"About an hour," said Yahiko, "By the way, here's your supper."

He then chucked a rice ball rapped in see weed at Kenshin. The rice ball hit Kenshin's chest and it fell on the ground. He scoped it in his hand and then threw it at his mouth. He got it in his mouth and ate it. After he was done eating, he said to Yahiko, "Are you going to hold me up for ransom?"

The idea never crossed Yahiko's mind. This made him pretty upset. He shouted at Kenshin, "Oh, shut up!" He then walked back inside grumbling to himself.

Back at the Himura house, Kaoru was cooking dinner. She was in the midst of making miso soup. Kenji walked into the kitchen with his finger up his nose. Kaoru took a glance at him and said, "Kenji, get your finger out of your nose."

"Mom, I'm digging for gold," responded Kenji.

"That's gross."

"Alright. You win." He then expelled his finger from his left nostril.

"By the way, where is your father?"

"He probably ran away because he could smell your cooking."

Kaoru got a disgusted look on her face. "Just go find him, Ok?"

Kenji ran off to find his dad.

After a while, Kaoru went outside. When she walked out the door, Megumi was out in her yard tending her garden. She went over to her and they got into a conversation about why men are so stupid.

Yahiko came up to the house because he wanted to speak to Kenji. Kaoru saw him and got an idea. She thought that maybe Yahiko was behind Kenshin's mysterious disappearance. She went up and confronted him. "Do you know where Kenshin is?" asked Kaoru.

Yahiko said, "I can honestly say no."

"Somehow I don't trust you."

She then grabbed Yahiko and told Megumi to retrieve Sano and then meet her in the dojo for further instructions. She then marched with Yahiko up to the dojo. She took him inside and continued to hold on to him. Sano and Megumi came running into the room. "Pin him down you two," said Kaoru. Sano and Megumi took Yahiko, forced him on the ground and pinned him down. Kaoru ran to the kitchen and came back with some miso soup. She said, "All right, we are going to play a little game. You either tell me where Kenshin is or I'll force to eat my miso soup." Kaoru knew that there was no one on this planet who could withstand her horrible cooking.

Yahiko said, "You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

She then went over by Yahiko and took out a spoonful of soup. Yahiko immediately broke down. "All right," he said, "I'll tell you where he is. I kidnapped him and I tied him to a tree next to my house."

Kaoru pointed to the door and shouted, "Quickly. We must go to Yahiko's house. We have no time to lose."

Sano, Megumi, Kaoru and Yahiko ran all the way to his house. When they got there, it was too late. Kenshin was already dehydrated and disoriented. Kenshin looked up at them and said, "Welcome to the party, everybody."

Sano said, "What are you talking about?"

"Stop messing around, I'm having a party. Have some saké."

"Kenshin, you don't have any saké."

"I said have some saké!"

"Uh, Ok?"

Sano, Megumi and Kaoru went over and untied him. After they untied him, Kaoru gave him a big hug. She said, "I missed you so much. I thought something horrible had happened to you."

Kenshin said, "I did not miss you, that I did not. You're right something did happen to me, but it wasn't exactly horrible."

Megumi then got an idea. She whispered to Kaoru, "Let's take brat boy and give him a taste of his own medicine."

Kaoru liked the idea very much. Her and Megumi then took Yahiko and tied him to the tree with the rope. Everyone then started walking away. Yahiko screamed, "If this is a joke, it can end now. Guys! Guys! Don't leave me here!"

Kaoru and Kenshin eventually walked into the house. Kenji came into the room and asked, "Dad, where were you?"

"I was in paradise," said Kenshin, "but then your mother had to come and ruin it."

They all went into the kitchen and ate their dinner. Then everyone went to their bedrooms because it was time to go to sleep. Kenshin was laying on their futon remembering about his time in paradise. Kaoru then came into the room, sat on the futon, and laid next to him. She said to him, "Do you know what I feel like doing?"

Kenshin gulped and said with a horrified look on his face, "What?"

Kaoru then jumped on top of him and started ripping his robe open. "No Kaoru," Kenshin shirked, "No…"

The End