Scary Teams
Who is that Doctor?
Author's Foreword:
Scary Teams is basically a series of crossovers between Transformers and at least one character from another TV Show. The idea first came to me when, I think, C.M.D. and me were throwing around fanfic ideas, discussing pairings so on and so forth. Eventually we got on the topic of crazy and, of course, Doctor Who came up since we recently had 2 marathons of Doctor Who, and, obviously, Wheeljack.
I like Doctor Who, it is a great TV series, I would definitely recommend it, the guys who are writing that show are pretty genius!
But it doesn't match up against Transformers Generation One, no way. (Do mind that it is my ... wait for it ... OPINION)
So after quickly comparing the two in my mind, I threw a question: what if The Doctor and Wheeljack met? Only one answer came to our minds:
... ho ... shit ...
and
WRITE IT!
And so I did, here it is! Wheeljack meets ... The Doctor (the 11th Doctor)! Brought to you by me, Randomus Prime!
Buy Energon'O's, they are good for you! And check out Randomus Prime on youtube! That guy is hilarious! And no, I am not him, we just happen to have the same name.
AND THUS BEGUN THE CROSS-OVERS!
"Who the slag uses a quark poweh converteh teh fuel a paraquartex generateh?"
"Well, aren't we big metallic all-knowing robots with big, big lighting thingies that lights up when we talk?"
"At least I don' need a rod tah tell me shit."
"Hey! I love my sonic screwdriver!"
"'N' I love Energon'O's; your point?"
"Oh, Energon'O's? That sounds lovely!"
"Yeh bet yer aft they are …"
"… and what is this beautiful device?"
"That's my matteh replicateh."
"And just what does it do?"
"It replicates matteh, yeh dolt."
"Yes! Of course! Matter! With all the protons and neutrons and electrons!"
"Yeah, genius, that's what makes up an atom …"
"So how does it work exactly? Do you use a unilateral transverse recombination matrix?"
"Eh, no, a few egg beatehs …"
"Egg beaters? How in the world do you use egg beaters …"
"If ya can't figure it out on yer own, I ain' tellin' ya shit."
"Oh, playing hard to get, are we? Well, I did invent a timey-whimey, chronosphere detector! There!"
"You mean the piece 'a' crap yeh been wigglin' 'round fer a good cycle now?"
"Cycle? Is that how you measure time? Why not cubes or tetrahedrals …"
"'Cause we ain' stupid, that's why."
"What do you mean 'stupid'? There are some marvelous inventions invented by inventive inventors!"
"Any of them made a freakin' replicateh out of egg-beatehs? What was that? No? That's what I freakin' thought."
"Now, what is this big laboratory? Is this where your species create stuff? Wobbly moggly inventive mechanical stuff?"
"That's where I made yer momma."
"Oh, mean big robots with light bulbs! I love it!"
"Frag! My pseudoelectron particle accelerateh!"
"What? Fake electrons? These are some very, very, very, very, very not real subatomic particles!"
"No? Really? I neveh knew that pseudo means fake! Thanks, Captain Obvious!"
"Oh, captain, that would be a first!"
"I bet ya still have many firsts tah have …"
"Oi! Whatever was that supposed to mean! Of course I will have many firsts!"
"Heh, so we agree …"
"No, no, no, no! This is not how you handle a particle accelerator! The warp frequency is too high for a stable …"
"Bitch, don' you dare …"
"Optimus, sir," the police car walked into the control room, expecting the Autobot Leader to be there, "It is time for the monthly inspection of the base."
"Thanks, Prowl," the red truck turned away from Teletraan I's controls and joined his SIC, "What is the first thing on the list?"
"The laboratories, sir."
"All right, let's go." The two mechs entered the hall way and proceeded to their target destination. Conversationally, Optimus asked, "How are things with Jazz?"
"Good, sir."
"I heard from Smokescreen that he requested both of you to attend a therapy session."
"Yes, we will. It's just that I won't be free for weeks and Jazz's schedule is packed too."
"I see," Optimus nodded. It really was a busy time for some reason; anyone barely had a single free minute to just stop, sit back and enjoy a cube of energon. They barely managed to squeeze in the inspection! "It would be best if you tried to make it as fast as possible, I cannot allow you or any of the Autobots to be in a vulnerable state."
"I will see what I can do, Prime."
"YER A DUMBASS!" Suddenly, Wheeljack's voice thundered through the halls of the Ark, "THAT IS A …wait, what the frag is that thing?"
"Oh, for Cybertron's sake, is he arguing with Perceptor again?" Prowl couldn't help but arrange his face plates to show dissatisfaction, "Did they not have enough last week?"
"If I had to say, I would say that it looks like a …" Another, quieter voice hit their audio sensors, "… what is this thing?"
"It kinda looks like a …" They heard the engineer make a short pause and a few seconds later heard him speak over the the Ark's communication network, "PERCEPTEH! GET YER AFT IN HERE NOW!"
"What? Who is Perceptor? Another robot with light bulbs?"
"No, a biggeh dork than you."
"Oi! I do not like your attitude!"
"Hey, wanna go squishy, squishy?"
"That, you will not do!"
"'N' why the slag not?"
"For reasons I have not yet thought about giving you."
"Watch it! Yer overloadin' the crystal lattice!"
"Oh, pish, what's the worst that could happen?"
"It will stabilize the accelerateh, that's what!"
"… is that bad? Stabilizing your unstable equipment is bad?"
"Yes!"
"Wha … how is it bad? It will tear a hole in space!"
"THAT'S THE SLAGGIN' POINT! I need to test out the TV remote!"
"What? You need to test out what?"
"My TV remote! It broke; I fixed it and I need to test it out!"
"On a hole in space?"
"Would yeh ratheh me test it out on yer box?"
"No! I love my box! It makes shfluffy sounds! So why do you need a hole in space? A big, good ol' space hole in the continuum for a TV remote? Oh! That is rich! TV remotes that control time and space, what a deliciously ridiculous idea! That is not possible, my dear mechanical friend! Isn't it?"
"You keep thinkin' that."
"Nooo! Really? That is genius!"
"'Bout time."
"Hm," Prowl leaned towards Optimus and whispered, "I thought that Perceptor made that TV remote to impress Wheeljack."
"Who is it with him in the laboratory?," the red mech whispered back.
"I don't know. I suggest we make our entrance after Perceptor comes. From what we heard it is obvious that the intruder is not an enemy, Wheeljack is letting him touch his equipment, for one."
"Agreed."
"And two, we are hearing quite an interesting conversation. I suggest we stay back until Perceptor comes."
"Aren't we pressed for time?"
"We have a chance to uncover more false information fed to the authority, it takes precedence over the inspection as stated in Paragraph 42 …"
"All right then."
"Here," Prowl opened up a tiny janitor's closet right next to the lab.
Optimus walked into the small, poorly lit room and looked around. A single rack of bottles half filled with cleaning solutions and a Transklonkers poster were the only things it had to offer.
"Over here," the Second-In-Command took the poster off the wall and showed Prime a little slot, "I asked Grapple to install these in other closets adjacent to key facilities in case of emergencies, lockdowns, or whatever else for."
"What is that?"
"This, Optimus," Prowl smirked, "Is a little something that will allow us to hear and see what is going on in the other room."
"How?"
"You just need to enter the correct combination of numbers and letters and there you go!" the police car worked his magic passwords as a panel revealed itself, "Now, a tiny display is showing us what is in the room! Wait, that's not a transformer! That's a human!"
"PERCEPTEH! GET YER AFT IN HERE NOW!"
"Aw, do you have to go?" Sunstreaker slowly stretched himself across the whole berth, nearly pushing Sideswipe onto the ground, showing off his curves with a mischievous glint in his optics and a playful smirk spread out on his lip components.
"If you want," the red Lamborghini wrestled his brother for berthspace, sat up straight, grabbed Perceptor by the arm and swung the microscope back to himself, "We could punish him for you …"
"Oh, no, that will be quite unnecessary," Perceptor a faint blush ran over his faceplates, shying away, "There is probably some sort of a problem and my presence is required immediately."
"Aw," the twins slowly got off the berth and surrounded the scientist from both sides as they lovingly squeezed him in a hug, "But we were having so much fun!"
"He wouldn't call me if I was not needed …"
"… but he could be a lot nicer!"
"Yeah!" Sideswipe slowly brushed his leg on Perceptor's, "How can anyone be so mean to such a cutesy-cutesy-Pieceptor?"
"Oh, dear …"
"All right," Sunstreaker was the first to let go of their love interest, "We might as well begin paperwork for that apartment on Cybertron we wanted."
"Oh, yeah, but …" the red mech swung the microscope around again, hugging him from behind and nibbling on the scientist's neck cables, making him in turn moan, "What, Percy won't be able to take care of some stupid spatial anomalies?"
"Oh, dear, ooohhhh …"
"Besides, Sunstreaker," Sideswipe turned Perceptor's head towards his and gave him a slow, passionate kiss on the lip components as he continued to run his hands all over their lover's front. He broke away lip contact reluctantly, "Don't tell me you wouldn't want another piece of this."
"Come on," the yellow brother grabbed his twin by the helmet and dragged him outside, "We got work to do. Perceptor! Call us when you are done."
"O-oh, will do!"
"Hey, Sunstreaker, do you remember where we left Perceptor's present?"
"Um, yes, I put it on the top shelf."
"It wasn't there."
"Huh?"
"It wasn't there."
"Wait, what do you mean?"
"The thing that we got him, it wasn't there."
"What? How is that possible? Are you sure? The top shelf on the rack to the right of the table."
"Yeah, it's not there."
"Wait, how is that possible?" Sunstreaker turned around and ran back to their quarters as Sideswipe followed.
"Are you sure you didn't put it somewhere else?"
"Yeah, I am sure!" the yellow mech blurted out as they ran into their room, "Huh, Perceptor must have left. Ok, there is the rack, top shelf …"
"Yeah, see? Not there."
"Wait, how is this possible? I put it right here …"
"Are you absolutely sure you didn't put it somewhere else?"
"No I am …" Sunstreaker sat down on the berth, rubbed his forehead with his servos.
"Well?"
"Oh, crap," he slowly raised his head, optics widening as a terrible realization made its way into his processor.
"What?"
"The lab."
"Oh, crap …"
As the lambo twins left, the scientist checked if he had forgotten anything and jogged to the laboratory, expecting his friend to be on the verge of yet another crisis. It was useless to guess what it was this time, he never came even close to getting it right.
"Heh, expect the unexpected. Finally! The door!"
"… BECAUSE WE AIN'T BALERINAS WEARIN' HAZMAT SUITS!"
The microscope was blown away in the first few moments of his arrival in the lab.
"… but then you won't be able to compensate for the entropic evolution paradigm factor!"
"SCREW ENTROPY! I AM ENTROPY!"
"Oh, dear …"
"Percepteh!" Wheeljack turned to the door, walked up to the scientist and violently dragged him into the lab, "Where da frag ya been? I …"
"Oh, dear! I am so sorry!" The red mech kept trying to maintain his balance and once he was placed in front of one of the tables, he noticed a human being gawking at him, with its eyes wide open and almost laughing from joy, "I am sorry, I did not realize you had company."
"Oh! Oh!" The human guest skipped to the microscope like a kid on Christmas morning to open up the presents, wiggling some sort of a device that emitted a green light and made some sort of weird sound, "That is beautiful! Such, big, metallic, sturdy, beautiful design! Are you Perceptor? Do you have light bulbs that light up like Wheeljack's? Are you some sort of a scientist? Oh, dear lord! Look at those marvelous eyes!"
"Yeah, yeah, whateveh. Percepteh is a real supeh model …"
"Wheeljack, perhaps you would wish to introduce us?"
"Hm, huh? Wait, wha'?"
"Would you mind introducing us?" Perceptor looked at the human and then, with a chill going down his spine, he glanced back at the engineer, "You do know who this is, right? Right?"
"Fuck if I know."
"I am The Doctor!"
"Doctor? Indeed? Doctor what?"
"Docteh? How?" The racing car double facepalmed, turned to 'The Doctor' and vehemently started gesturing with his hands as he furiously yelled, "How the slag 're yeh a docteh of anythin' afteh all the shit you've been tellin' me for the past two cycles?"
"The Doctor, The Doctor of everything with my sonic screw driver and my TARDIS."
"Mind if I ask what is the TARDIS?"
"Oh, it is this blue box …"
"Oh, yeh mean this one?" Wheeljack bent over and lift up an old Police Box, that at some point was used by the British law enforcement, "I thought this was a garbage disposal …"
"No, no, no, no, no, no!" The Doctor ran up to Lancia Stratos and began hectically waving his hands in the air, "Put it down! Wait, what did you mean garbage disposal?"
"Well, it's biggeh on the inside, and it's small in this dimension …"
"Oh, yes it is!"
"… makes a good trash can," the Autobot shook it for a few seconds in the air as one of the doors opened, beginning to leak random chemicals mixed with water, books and various equipment that the engineer threw inside it earlier; followed by sparks, mini explosions and trembling inside the ship, "I think yer TARDIS is broken …"
"No, no, no, no, no, no! You are causing an overload inside it! How in the universe did you manage to do that? It will tear a hole in space-time continuum!"
"Pfft, been there, done that. What else's new?" Wheeljack waved off the screaming Doctor and turned to his fellow colleague, raising his tone "Now, Percepteh …"
"I can't stop it!"
"Oh, fer slag's sake," the engineer kicked the table, making one of the drawers shoot out. He then reached into it, took out a TV remote the size of an average human being and carelessly tossed it in front of the panicking Time Lord, "Here, use that. Now, Percepteh …"
"What the bloody hell am I supposed to do with that?"
"Oh, fer Cybehtron's sake- am I supposed to fix everythin' 'round here?" Wheeljack picked up the device, pressed some buttons which only made the explosions stronger.
"What are you doing?"
"No, wait, that speeds up the process …" the engineer stroke his chin for a few seconds, "Ah, that's the sequence!"
A searing energy vortex spewed out of the TARDIS, throwing rainbowy lightning bolts in all directions and materializing a purple cartoonish fire-breathing horse with four humans holding onto it for their lives.
"MCKAY!" One of the four screamed out.
"SHEPPARD, I AM WORKING ON IT! WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOLVING MULTI-DIMENSIONAL EQUATIONS IN THESE CONDITIONS ON AN EMPTY SOTMACH?"
"No, wait," Wheeljack scratched his head and pressed a few other buttons, "Let's see what this does."
Just as suddenly as they appeared, the vortex and the horse with its four unfortunate passengers vanished into the unknown. The TARDIS, on the other hand, threw up a few men in weird red, yellow and black uniforms.
"BEAM ME UP SCOTTY! BEAM ME UP!"
"THIS IS ILLOGICAL!"
"No, that ain't right," Wheeljack lightly hit his head with one of his fingers, "Oh! Now I remebeh!"
The men disappeared, and The Doctor's space ship stabilized as if nothing ever happened.
"What …" the Time Lord kept turning from his box to the engineer, "How did you do that?"
"Like I said, ain't my first time handlin' this shit. Now," the car turned to the microscope, "Percepteh …"
"Yes?"
"What did I tell yeh 'bout keepin' personal stuff in the lab? Huh? What did I tell yeh?"
"Um, you told me that we shouldn't do that."
"Right, then do explain …" Wheeljack reached again into the drawer, taking out a pink, long cylindrical object with a thicker, mushroom-shaped end out of the drawer.
"How on Earth did you fit this …" The Doctor approached the end of the table.
"Yer TARDIS ain't the only thing biggeh on the inside. Percepteh, what the slag was this doin' in the lab?"
"I, I have no idea what this is!"
"Oh, yeah, right, you have absolutely no idea what this is? Fer Cybehtron's sake! You already had sex!"
"Excuse me, did you say sex?"
"Yeh! Big surprise, giant robots havin' fun time procreatin'."
"But … how … what?"
"Pardon? You do not mean to say that this is …"
"Percepteh, KEEP YER TOYS IN YER ROOM!" Wheeljack shoved the pink device into the scientist's face.
"And you robots have the … parts?"
"Yeah, genius, of course we got the parts!"
"And a place to put those parts in?"
"… what kind of a docteh 're yeh?"
"Oh, there is a note!"
"What does it say?"
"Eh," Perceptor adjusted his optics and read the message, "If you ever miss us, if we are ever not there, we hope this will serve as a temporary substitute as poor as it. Have fun Percy!"
"Percepteh …"
"Oh, dear …"
Both were interrupted by a series of loud, fwooshing sounds. The two mechs looked at the table and saw the Police Box quickly fade out of existence.
"Pft, amateur. Travellin' through time and space, didn' even know how to make a matteh replicateh out of three egg beatehs and a fridge."
"Oh, dear …"
"So what're we gonna …"
"PERCEPTOR!" Sunstreaker and Sideswipe barged into the lab, almost breaking down the door, breathing heavily, "PERCEPTOR! PERCEP… tor …"
"What up, dumbasses?"
"Oh, dear …"
"So," Wheeljack grabbed Perceptor by the arm in which he held the gift, raised it into the air, squinted and angrily yelled, "Da frag we gonna do 'bout this?"
"Optimus?"
"Yes?"
"Next time, let's make sure Wheeljack is not there during the inspection."
"All of them."
"Yes, Prime."
"And Prowl?"
"Yes?"
"Was any of it recorded?"
"All of it."
"Send it to the Decepticons …"
P.S. Yes, those four on the horse were John, Ronon, McKay and Teyla from Stargate … and the guy who was screaming "beam me up, Scotty" was Kirk from Startrek along with the illogical thing was Spock … don't give me shit for this, I love Stargate and I am kinda apathetic to Startrek, besides, nobody died! Not even a single red coat, unless you want to think that, it is up to you! So, chillax! Will ya?
P.P.S. This fic and another one will be more than likely the only two ones that are crossovers unless I manage to find any more scary pairings, example being – Wheeljack and The Doctor, another being – Swindle and Bender (yes, that will hopefully be written at some point) any suggestions are welcome
P.P.P.S. I am not happy with the ending ….
P.P.P.P.S. I know the Doctor would love weird stuff … but we all know he would run from this … he would run the fastest he ever ran …
P.P.P.P.P.S. Guess what the Decepticons' reactions was to all of this! Do I really have to say it?
Author's Notes:
Well, there you go! The first Scary Teams chapter! Hope you liked it!
I had two Doctor Who fans read it and they thought it was quite hilarious! What a friend of mine liked is that I threw in Stargate: Atlantis and Startrek: The Original Series, couldn't stop laughing for quite a while.
Before I let you go, yes, I, myself, am a rather big Doctor Who fan, saw every episode twice (at least) and yes, this is my vision o as to how their first time encounter would happen. Yes, The Doctor is old, genius and a madman but Wheeljack lived for millions years more which would mean he had a load more experience, plus he is a genius himself and more importantly - Wheeljack is bat-shit insane, you do not mess with that kind of crazy, not even if you have a death wish.
Plus, did you know that Doctor Who and Transformers are both Marvel? Yes! They even have a few crossovers in the comics!
I do not remember why I did not like the ending ...
It was kinda hilarious to write this fic, I did not expect myself to come up with something like this, I am slightly scared to find out what I will whoop up with the next stories ...
The next team or pairing will be, I am hoping, Swindle and Bender. If any of you have any suggestions, you can always PM me or leave a review, I will take it into consideration and get back to you if I approve of it.
If anybody guesses whom I paired up with Prowl - a free commission (please be reasonable) - you have time until the day I post it.
Unless I find any more pairings *doesn't have to be just two people, could be groups* after Prowl and XXXXXXX XXXXXX, I will more than likely call this project to a close but for a year or so I will leave it as incomplete just to be sure.
I do not own Transformers, Doctor Who or Energon'O's.
A big thanks to Crescent-Moon-Demon for editing and reviewing.
