Hercules... And The Forbidden Planet

First written in 2006 when astronomers announced the official downsizing of the planet Pluto


Hades hurls the newsparchment down to the floor and explodes into a colomn of flame. Up on earth, Mt. Vesuvius, Mt. Aetna and Krackatoa all erupt simutaneously.

Hercules...Hades...good sweet Zeus... what's Wrong?

Hades... What's Wrong?What's Wrong? Some son-a-of-a-bitch stole my planet! *That's* what's wrong! don't you ever read the papers, Jerkules?

Herc...huh?

Hades shoves The Greekly World News under Herc's nose.

Herc{ reading}..."Disney announces their new DVD sequal scheduale, Snow White III through XXI and CinderellaV through VXII to be released summer of 2008 along with the Disney Channel Special "Valient Meets Chicken Little" ...in addition, "Black Cauldron...The Musical" opens the following Christmas...wow... I can see why yer ticked..."

Hades...No, you **&%$# teenaged moron! "THIS!"

New Definition of a Planet
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted on an official definition of the word "planet" at their general assembly on Aug. 24, 2006. Celestial bodies must meet the following conditions in order to be classified as planets: (1) The object must be in orbit around a star, while not being itself a star, (2) the body must be massive enough for its own gravity to pull it into a nearly spherical shape, and (3) the object has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit. The last criterion is the one that led to Pluto's demotion. While the exact parameters of "clearing the neighborhood" have not been set, the other planets have either assimilated or repulsed most other objects in their orbits, and each has more mass than the combined total of everything else in its area. The same cannot be said for Pluto, which has turned out to be one of many objects in it's orbit. Pluto is Out!

Herc...oh wow...well... lookie here...whatta ya know...

Enter Icarus and Cassandra

Icarus...Hey BuddyBoy!...whatsup? Howya doin'?... what's the good word? And... why is lava coming out of Hade's ears?...I mean...more than usual?

Hades...Well, I-

Herc...Here... look at this. Pluto's been demoted!

Icarus...Pluto? What's a Pluto?

Hades...If you must know, Pluto is-

Icarus......Oh, wait!...I know, I know!... he's that big fat dumb horney sexist sailor with the anger issues who keeps stalking Olive Oyl! ...never learns his lesson and never gives up!

Cassandra...I can relate.

Herc... Icarus, we're not talking about Bluto...we're talking about... "PLUTO!"

Hades...I said, "Excuse Me"...

Icarus...Oh...yeah...right... you mean Mickey's idiotic knobby-headed yellow cartoon dog? ...that dumb bell who gets on everyone's nerves?

Cassandra...speaking of dumbells...getting on nerves...

Hades...What a fascinating conversation this is.

Herc...no, no, not That Pluto, the "Planet" Pluto!

Icarus...There's a Planet Pluto!

Hades{finally blowing his stack}...YES there's a Planet Pluto! You bet yer little butt there is...or "WAS!"We're talking about the PLANET PLUTO!...The planet Pluto... which is MY planet. Everybodygot a planet... Jupiter, Venus, Mars, Neptune, Mercury...even Uranus got a nice big one!

Hercules .....uh...Beg your pardon?

Hades{ stomping around waving his arms}...and all of a sudden, Guesswhich Planet doe'snt fit the criteria any more?...Planet ...Pluto. Which should have been Planet Hades in the first place..."Pluto!"...what pea brained idiotic moron even thought up that name?

Icarus....Ok...that would be me... remember...in The Romans?"

Hades...arrchh! I thought so!why... am I Not surprised!

Icarus...Yer lucky. My first choice was "Oswald."

Hades...You Imbecile!

Icarus{to Cassandra}...Well, gee, it was better than "Uranus!"

Hades{ stomping around some more in fury}...They All got to keep their planets! All of 'em!even #*&^%% Saturn!

Icarus{whispering to Cass}...I forgot...Who's Saturn again?

Cassandra...Prehistoric corn god, and believe it or not, Hade's father.

Icarus...Get outta town!Hades has aFather?

Cassandra...Oh yeah. Swallowed him alive when he was born. Vomited him up a few years later. They were never close.

Hades{ whirling around in rage}...What are you two talking about!

Cassandra...uh...shutting up!

Herc...Hades, you're being an awful poor sport about this. Not ALL the gods got planets! Bacchus did'nt, for instance.

Icarus...Hey!If he did, he could have called it... "Planet of the Grapes!"

Everyone stares at Icarus.

Hades{ smoldering}...Go... A-way.

Herc...Hades, c'mon,it's no big loss...I mean...what were ya gonna do with it, anyway?

Hades...I was gonna build a condo on it! A cosy vacation spot...for me and the little missus. Whenever I got around to...getting myself a little missus.

Cassandra{ mumbling}...Talk about a cold day in hell...

Hades...What... did you say?

Cassandra...uh...shutting up again!

Herc...Hades...Pluto's been there for all this time and ya never did anything with it!

Hades...Hey! it was on my... "To Do" list!

Herc...But, gosh... it was'nt that great a planet...I mean, it was a real outcast, all the way out in the middle of nowhere...never really fit in with the others...it was all alone, and dark... and tiny...crappy... and pretty worthless, actually, no one really cared about it...

Cass...wow, Herc...you really walk into these things, don't you?...

Herc...huh?

Cass...remind me to remove the word "diplomat" from your business card.

Hades...I don't care what the Planet was like! it... was my favorite heavenly body!

Icarus{ attempting to slide his hands around Cassandra's waist}...I know what my favorite heavenly body is!...

Cass.{whacking Icarus} Wider orbit, Buddy!

Icarus{ cringing, but undeterrred }...Ah! my Bitter Blossom! my Nubile Nightshade! it gladdens my heart just to think of you... and me...romping through Cupid's grove...

Cass... One more word and you'll be romping through the Underworld.

Hades...OY! Can we get back to my problems here? Other than your sad desparate non-existant love life?Pluto's been demoted! 76 years of floating around minding its own business and Wham! downsized to nothing...

Herc...Well...not exactly nothing...they reclassified it as a Dwarf Planet.

Hades...They gave it to a Dwarf? a &^$#$&%^% Dwarf! Which one? I'll Kill him! I hope it's Dopey. I HATE that guy!

Herc...No, Hades, it's not Dopey-

Hades... I'll walk right into that stupid little fairytale cottage and grab 'im by the short and curlies-

Herc{in exasperation}....Hades! you cannot barge into Snow White's cottage and grab Dopey by the short and curlies! It's not... nice!...plus...it's a really disturbing mental image...

Cass...I'll say... I may not get to sleep tonight.

Icarus...I may never sleep again!

Hades...No one takes over my planet!

Herc...Hades! wullya listen?...it's not one of the Seven Dwarves, it called a "dwarf" planet cause...they ...thought..well... it was really too small to be a real planet...

Hades...Oh yeah, don't tell me size doe'snt matter...sure, Mr. Zeus, with his Big-Ass Jupiter, he gets the hugest friggin' planet of them all!...

Herc...look... I'm sorry that yours is smaller than his-

Icarus...wait...we're still talking ...about planets now... right?

Cassandra...Does'nt sound like it...

Hades...oh yeah... not only is his the biggest he's got 12 friggin' moons, each one named after someone he schtupped!....Ganymede, Callisto ,Leda, Europa, Io-
"Hi, Everybody, I'm Zeus, I'm the best Lay in the whole *^^%%&* Universe!"

Icarus...no...I don't think we're talking about planets anymore...

Cassandra...Figured that out, huh?

Herc...now... now, Hades...I'm sure you're a very nice lay too. I mean, uh...I'm just guessing here...

Cassandra...Smooth, Herc. Real smooth.

Hades...I just can't believe my luck!...first the movie the sequel they cancel the TV show. Now they take away my planet!

Herc...Don't forget your Disney Villain doll. They pulled the plug on that too.

Hades...ARRRGGH!*&^%%$mother #&^%$ sucking*#!&^%$#$!

Herc...Hades, Please! This is a family website!

Hades...That's another thing...How is this gonna affect themovie?

Herc...huh?

Hades..."It's supposed to be ..."ALL" the planets...All!...not... "When eight planets and one dwarf planet no-one-gives-a-fuck -about line- up -ever- so- nicely!"

Icarus...It just doe'snt have the same ring, does it?

Hades...I-Want-The-Sun!

Herc{hands on hips in irritation}...You-already-stole-the-sun... once!...and almost destroyed the whole freakin' world, I might add!

Hades...OK, in retrospect... it was a bad idea.

Herc...You can say Thatagain!

Hades...Fine, yah, whatever...but I don't reallywant to own the sun, I just want it named After me!

Herc...Well...they're not gonna do it, so your just gonna have to live with it.

Hades....OK...Iknow...I'll give everyone of these NASA eggheads diarrhea!...that' ll teach 'em!

Icarus...Taking the high road, are we?

Herc...Hades, you can't go around giving astronomers diarrhea just because they've amended their findings!

Hades....Oh, you never let me have any fun!

Herc...Hades, making them sick won't change scientifc data! It won't make anything different!

Hades....yes it will! They'll be sick and I'll be happy...hmm...I know! better idea!..I'll go on strike!

Herc...Strike!

Hades....Yes! I'll take off a few decades!...that's it! I won't lift one bony finger!I won't allow anyone into Hades at all! Door's closed, flight's canceled, no more room at the inn! how doya like THEM pomagranates? I get my planet back OR... they'll be dead bodies stinking up the joint as far as the eye can see! It will be worse than a Disney shareholder meeting! Pain! Panic! bring me my duty roster!ya know..that book of things I gotta do today!

Herc { looking worried, and grabbing the pad from Panic}... YOU have a duty roster?...oh... that can't be good...{ looks down and reads}

My Hadean List of Things To Do Today

I. kidnap and marry Aphrodite

II. greenlight new Adam Sandler movie

III. invent three new computer viruses

IV. have The Wiggles killed

Hades....uh huh.. good, good...huh...did you take care of The Wiggles yet ?

Panic ...uh...not yet, Boss. Any particular way ya want it done?...maybe "execution style"?

Hades...Surprise me. Oh..and how about that guy on Blue's Clues?

Pain...We're workin' on it.

Hades...Good. Make that one painful. Something... lingering.

Panic...Can do!

Icarus...Hey! ...I liked Blue's Clues!

Cassandra....You would.

Icarus...I just watched it yesterday...it was nice...it was sweet...it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...like I ate a caterpillar or somethin'...

Cassandra....You did.

Icarus...Well...yes. But I also liked the show.

Hades{ staring at Icarus} Are you finished? Because this conversation is 90% less interesting than you think it is.

Herc...Hades I-

Hades...Tut, tut, my Lad, no time to talk. I'm getting started on this new project asap{Whips out worm garnished martini and makes a toast}...Gentlemen? To "Evil!"-

Herc{ examining newspaper again}......Wait! Wait! you're in luck! ..look at this!

Astronomers Discover Gigantic Strange New Planet
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (UPI) - U.S. astronomers have discovered a planet unlike any other known in the universe.

Smithsonian scientists say the new planet was discovered using a network of small automated telescopes known as HATl. The planet - designated HAT-P-1 - orbits one member of a pair of distant stars 450 light-years away in the constellation Lacerta.

"We could be looking at an entirely new class of planets," said Gaspar Bakos, a Hubble fellow at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Mass. With a radius about 1.38 times that of Jupiter, HAT-P-1 is the largest known planet yet to exist...

Hades...I'll take it!

Herc......Okay...Good...hmmm...hold on, though...Hades, wait-

Hades...No time to lose, Wonder Boy!I'm off to make a killing in the real estate market...that's outta this world!

Hades disappears in a flash.

Herc{putting down the paper and shugging}......huh...I did'nt even get a chance to tell him...

Cassandra... Tell him what?

Herc reads out loud...

"...With a radius about 1.38 times that of Jupiter, HAT-P-1 is the largest known planet. But, in spite of its huge size, its mass is only half that of Jupiter.

"This planet is about one-quarter the density of water,"astronmer Bakos said. "In other words, it's lighter than a giant ball of cork! Just like Saturn, it would float in a bathtub if you could find a tub big enough to hold it."

Icarus...Well...who cares? .as long as he's happy...the world is safe!...let's all go to the Speedy Pita to celebrate...I heard they have a special on Squid Loaf!

Herc...Sure, OK!

Cassandra...Oh, Joy...it's official...my decade's complete!

And that night, at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge, Massachusetts two astronomers are peering through their telescopes in curiosity and wonderment.

"Hey...Do you see what I see?"

"I can't believeit"...


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