In the name of the Father, the Son,
And the Holy Ghost,
My dearest Bibana,
I thank you the most.
Thank you for sending me
That psychedelic Jesus;
You know, the dude who died
On a cross to save us?
Yeah, it was him I saw last night.
Man it was weird;
He had a big wooden cross on his shoulder,
And a scraggly hippie beard.
He had lime green sandals
And glasses of a violet hue,
Linens around his loins (for respects sake)
But no shirt; I think a tie-dye would do.
Around his neck
Hung multicolored beads,
I noticed, as he sat across from me
To help me with my needs.
"Listen up, cat," he said,
"I can't talk long,
This fucking cross is heavy
And I ain't that strong."
I stared on in wonder
And thought, "It has to be the beer,"
Blinked a few times, and knew
God was here.
"Okay, dipshit, you better
Look at me with some class
The only reason I'm here's 'cause
St. Bibi's on her ass
In heaven playin' PlayStation
With my Pops and St. Pete.
She's probably kickin martyr ass too,
But the reason I'm in this seat
Across from you is this:
Tomorrow you'll have
A migraine the size of Israel
And be soaked in your own piss.
I know it sounds painful
And humiliating, this gig,
But it ain't nothin' compared to martyrdom
I'm talkin' crucifixion, ya dig?
Alright, I'll let you go now.
Know your limitations next time.
Peace, my brother."
And disappeared that savior of mine
Amid the hookers and drag queens
Trying their best to sing,
No offense they sounded tone deaf
And that dry high-pitched ring
Of a laughing long-time smoker
As he pats me on the back
The tourists yakking about the city
As the sky fades to black
Due to my Screwdriver and Mind-erasers
And that last Sex on the Beach.
Before I blacked out I wanted a cigarette,
But it seemed so out of reach.
I awoke the next morning in latex
And a thong upon my head,
A splitting headache,
And the smell of urine all over me and the bed.
As I toss my cookies, I wonder
"Why, God, why give me this curse?"
Then I remembered Jesus and thought,
"Eh - could be worse."
So thanks Bibiana,
I'll try not to get drunk again
Try being the main word.
Just kidding. Praise Jesus. Amen.
