In the name of the Father, the Son,

And the Holy Ghost,

My dearest Bibana,

I thank you the most.

Thank you for sending me

That psychedelic Jesus;

You know, the dude who died

On a cross to save us?

Yeah, it was him I saw last night.

Man it was weird;

He had a big wooden cross on his shoulder,

And a scraggly hippie beard.

He had lime green sandals

And glasses of a violet hue,

Linens around his loins (for respects sake)

But no shirt; I think a tie-dye would do.

Around his neck

Hung multicolored beads,

I noticed, as he sat across from me

To help me with my needs.

"Listen up, cat," he said,

"I can't talk long,

This fucking cross is heavy

And I ain't that strong."

I stared on in wonder

And thought, "It has to be the beer,"

Blinked a few times, and knew

God was here.

"Okay, dipshit, you better

Look at me with some class

The only reason I'm here's 'cause

St. Bibi's on her ass

In heaven playin' PlayStation

With my Pops and St. Pete.

She's probably kickin martyr ass too,

But the reason I'm in this seat

Across from you is this:

Tomorrow you'll have

A migraine the size of Israel

And be soaked in your own piss.

I know it sounds painful

And humiliating, this gig,

But it ain't nothin' compared to martyrdom

I'm talkin' crucifixion, ya dig?

Alright, I'll let you go now.

Know your limitations next time.

Peace, my brother."

And disappeared that savior of mine

Amid the hookers and drag queens

Trying their best to sing,

No offense they sounded tone deaf

And that dry high-pitched ring

Of a laughing long-time smoker

As he pats me on the back

The tourists yakking about the city

As the sky fades to black

Due to my Screwdriver and Mind-erasers

And that last Sex on the Beach.

Before I blacked out I wanted a cigarette,

But it seemed so out of reach.

I awoke the next morning in latex

And a thong upon my head,

A splitting headache,

And the smell of urine all over me and the bed.

As I toss my cookies, I wonder

"Why, God, why give me this curse?"

Then I remembered Jesus and thought,

"Eh - could be worse."

So thanks Bibiana,

I'll try not to get drunk again

Try being the main word.

Just kidding. Praise Jesus. Amen.