Chapter 1: Everlasting Light
"There is a loneliness that can be rocked. Arms crossed, knees drawn up, holding, holding on, this motion, unlike a ship's, smooths and contains the rocker. It's an inside kind—wrapped tight like skin. Then there is the loneliness that roams. No rocking can hold it down. It is alive. On its own. A dry and spreading thing that makes the sound of one's own feet going seem to come from a far-off place." – Toni Morrison, Beloved
When she was a little girl, she used to love the book "Goodnight Moon." Her mom would read it to her every night at bedtime before she would rub her back. Her hands were always cold. But somehow that calmed the small girl, made her touch distinct and soothing. When her sister would sleepover at a friend's house or go on an overnight trip, her mom would rub her back until she fell asleep, knowing that it scared her to be alone in the girl's shared room.
They were a happy family. Her mom and dad were loving and caring; her sister Stephanie was her best friend. They were blessed and they knew it. They were thankful, proud, and content.
They didn't see it coming. There was no way they could have. One moment they were there, and the next they weren't. It was just an ordinary day. They were driving home from visiting their grandparents when a drunk driver swerved into their lane and hit the car head-on. She and her sister made it. Her parents didn't.
Steph had offered to stay. She had been planning on going to Washington State University before it happened. But she knew that her sister wasn't doing well and so she offered to wait. Just until Kim got back on her feet again. But Kim refused to allow herself to hold her sister back. So Steph left too.
She knew it wasn't her fault. There was nothing she could have done. For some, this freedom from guilt would be empowering. But it scared her. She was incapable of stopping the things in her life that she couldn't control. There are some things in this world that just happen. And there was nothing she could do about it.
She thought about this as she sat in her third period English class, trying not to focus too much on the empty seat to her right. He had been gone for a week and a half, and she was starting to get curious. No one stays out of school for that long because of mono. She would never admit it, but she missed him. Even though they hadn't spoken apart from the occasional question about homework or asking to borrow a pen, Kim felt his absence in a significant way. She had been in love with him since she was twelve years old and she missed him. He added excitement to her life without even saying a word.
It seems to have started not because he was a sweet, kind boy who performed some great act of chivalry towards her as a child that had her smitten with him from that moment forward. No, she fell in love with Jared because he was popular. Not that she's one of those girls who date boys based on the opinions of their peers, because she isn't. It actually just started as a strong desire for him to like her. She figured that if the most popular boy in their class liked her, then other people would follow.
She wanted him to like her. So she started to pay attention. She noticed the tiniest dimple in his right cheek, only visible when he laughed really hard. She saw him draw a slightly lopsided heart on his Valentine's Day card he made for his sister when he through no one was looking. Yeah, so he was a bit cocky sometimes. And he didn't do his homework and played girls without involving his own emotions. But she watched him, and so she knew all the admirable things that he did. In her eyes, he was wonderful. Extraordinary.
Sometimes she pretended he liked her back. She would imagine them walking down the hallway, hand in hand, laughing and joking and having fun. It made it easier, this pretending, so she didn't have to think about the fact that no one had asked her to the school dance or that she had yet to receive her first kiss. Because even though she knew it was unrealistic and she was only dreaming, for those few moments of the day, she felt happy. Complete. And most definitely not alone.
The worst part of it was the rules. Which is funny, because it wasn't the fighting vampires and painful physical transformations, or the fact that the world as he knew it had completely turned itself around that had Jared so on edge. It was all the rules. So many fucking rules about every aspect of his life.
Or maybe it was the fact that he couldn't ignore the rules. He had always been under the impression that rules were meant to be broken, that life wasn't exciting or fun when you always did what you were supposed to. But now, he didn't have a choice. He was being magically forced to follow the rules. Something he had rarely ever done, and was therefore very unfamiliar with. He knew Sam was getting frustrated with him, but he couldn't help it. He was just a kid. Even though Sam was only a few years older, he always acted like some wise old man who was there to advise him.
He understood it though. Sam had never really had a father, so he had been forced to grow up fast. And then with the whole phasing-on-his-own thing, he had to learn how to deal with difficult situations in a calm manner. Jared knew he was lucky to have Sam to guide him through the phasing, and he knew Sam was overjoyed at finally having someone else to join him. It was even better when Paul joined too.
Although they weren't very happy in discovering that the myth about sharing minds in wolf form was real. It made sense of course, for fighting purposes and it was easier to calm a new wolf down after the first phase. But still, everyone has secrets that they would rather not share. Even with the people they are closest to. So sharing every single thought with another person was a little hard at first. But they got used to it, and it did help form the pack. It made them more like brothers.
So even though Jared was pissed off with the new rules and of course being a wolf didn't exactly help with controlling the anger, he was still glad to be a part of Sam's pack. And, most importantly, he respected him. Jared respected Sam and because of that, he had decided that he would follow the rules even if he hadn't been forced to through Sam's alpha order. And of course, he knew the danger he posed to other people in his fragile new state and was well aware that these rules were put in place to help protect the people from himself. So, he told himself to suck it up and be a man, and he went to school.
High school was not what she had expected. The night before her first day of school, like most other incoming freshman girls, she dreamed about talking to the quarterback of the football team and walking down the hallways surrounded by friends. But when she took her first steps on the brick stairs at the front of school, she knew her experience would be nothing like her dreams.
She enjoyed school. But, unlike most of her classmates, she enjoyed the learning and discovery, not the socializing and the talking. She had a great love of learning, which, of course, her teachers greatly appreciated. But unfortunately, her classmates did not feel the same. She wasn't an outcast, exactly. She just had never really felt like she fit in.
It's not that she was invisible. And it's not that people didn't know her name. It's just that, if asked, all anyone would be able to say about her would be something along the lines of: Kim, the girl who I sit behind in history; or, Kim, the girl whose parents died two years ago who used to be my lab partner. Nobody really knew anything about her, except that she was smart and she was an orphan. Which, in a way, Kim didn't really mind. She was generally a private person, and she just got the feeling that if she shared herself with someone else, if she gave someone the opportunity to really know her, they wouldn't like her. And she didn't think she could deal with that kind of rejection. So she hid. She used her books as shields to ward off conversation and friends. She used her inquisitive nature in school to alienate herself from her classmates. And it worked.
They say you don't know what you've got until its gone. But in that moment, Jared begged to differ. He hadn't know it until it was right in front of his face, throwing him off balance and holding him steady all at the same time.
Her eyes, the most mesmerizing shade of brown, captivated and intrigued him. He had never understood the phrase "the eyes are the windows into the soul" until he looked into hers. He took in her long hair, her now rosy cheeks, long eyelashes and beautiful plump lips.
He was fascinated, she was confused. He had never spared her more than a glance before. So what made him look at her now? How come, after being absent for weeks and coming back to school looking like an underwear model on crack, he was looking at her like she was his first glimpse of the sun? The idea that maybe he had finally noticed her didn't even cross her mind. In fact, she was even a little bit irritated with him. So when he finally managed to blurt out a greeting, the look she gave him was quite the opposite of the friendly smile on his face.
"Can I help you?" she asked, thinking about the time she had spent an entire week thinking of ways to catch his attention and he hadn't even spared her a second glance. His smile faltered.
"Umm, yeah, I umm…" he was forced to think quick. "Do you have notes I could borrow from the weeks I missed? I'm going to be really behind now." His smile was back in place.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, pulling her notebook out of her backpack and wondering why Jared was acting like he cared about school. He, on the other hand, was quickly sifting through his mind trying to remember things he knew about Kim. And all he was coming up with was school. Kim studying for her chemistry test, already in her seat when he walked into class. Kim reading a book as he walked past her table at lunch. Kim listening to music and doing math homework as everyone else talked in study hall.
"So, do you like it?" he asked, nodding towards the book in her hands. But, because she had been staring at her book and had missed this nod, she was confused and still slightly irritated.
"Do I like what?" she asked sharply, finally turning to look at him again.
"The book. That we're reading. For class," he said, his short sentences getting slower as she just looked at him with a bored expression on her face.
"Yeah," she replied, and turned back to her book. That was it. No elaboration. No discussion. Just a quick affirmation, and she was done talking to him.
Understanding that being harassed was not exactly what she wanted at the moment, Jared backed off and decided to think of ways to learn more about her and get her to talk to him. He was slightly frustrated at the fact that he couldn't look at her without a certain amount of creepiness accompanying the action, but he felt calm just by feeling her presence at his side.
When the bell rang, she was relieved and he was disappointed, but they parted ways with a brief glance and a small smile. He watched her walk away in the sea of students rushing to their next class, but before she could turn the corner and disappear out of his sight, the annoyed face of a fellow pack member blocked his line of vision.
"Oh no," Paul said, catching a glimpse of his friend's adoring gaze. Jared just smiled.
It's not that she's incapable of making friends. If she tried really hard, she would most definitely be able to find someone to sit with at lunch. But she prefers to sit by herself, a good book always making pleasant company.
It amused her in a way, because everyone always thinks that the "loners" are people who are inept at making friends, losers who are too different to fit in with the crowd. But in actuality, most people who eat alone choose to, not because they don't know how to talk to other people, but because they have been in a group before and it just didn't work out for them.
Kim was tired. She always seemed to be tired. Maybe that was why she had decided to sit by herself. She was tired of pretending, faking smiles and acting like she was interested in the latest gossip around town. She was tired of trying to change herself based on the ideals of a clique. But most of all, she was tired of caring what people thought of her. So she decided not to. Care, that is. She decided she was going to let it all go, just forget what they think, because they don't matter.
Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." And he was right, wasn't he? Of course, not caring is easier said than done. But after some practice, Kim had gotten pretty used to disregarding what others thought of her and had chosen to live her life in this way.
So instead of pretending, she eats alone and reads a book at lunch. It relaxes her to immerse herself in an imaginary world, and of course, being occupied with a book generally keeps away wandering people who desire conversation.
On the very same Thursday in which she had the "incident" with Jared in English class, she stared at the pages of A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway and tried to forget what had happened earlier. She saw someone approach her table out of the corner of her eye, but kept her gaze on the book and hoped they would take the hint.
"Hey. Can I sit here?" She glanced up to see Jared standing behind the chair across from her, a small smile on his lips.
"Knock yourself out," she replied, returning her attention to her book, hoping he would leave soon. But instead, he put down his large tray of food and started digging in like there was no tomorrow. After a few minutes of silence in which he inhaled his food and she tried but failed to continue reading her book, she became fed up with the strange situation and finally spoke.
"Why are you sitting with me?" she asked, the irritation from earlier creeping up again. Of course, it would make more sense if she had been excited, overjoyed at the idea that Jared was talking to her and sitting with her and actually noticing her. But Kim was not happy. Quite the opposite, actually. She was bewildered, annoyed, and uncomfortable.
"I was kind of hoping to get to know you better," he replied, confusing her even more.
"Why?" He laughed.
"Well, I don't really have a good answer for you." She just stared. "So, what's your favorite class?" he asked with another smile. She realized he seemed to never stop smiling.
"I'm not talking to you," she replied, wondering why she was pushing away the guy of her dreams.
"Why not?" he asked, clearly disappointed.
"Because we're not friends," she answered, silently hoping they would become something more.
"Well, just because we haven't been friends in the past doesn't mean we can't be friends now," Jared replied.
"Which brings us back to why…"
There's just something about the beach. The calming sound of the waves. The feeling of the soft sand beneath your feet. Walking along the shore, Kim felt the loneliness begin to fade with each pull of the tide. Like the receding water was taking her negative feelings with it.
Tired of standing, Kim sat down on the sand and pulled out her book. She opened to her current page and took out the bookmark, marking the page with her finger instead. She stared at the depiction of a red rose on the bookmark that used to be her mother's.
Kimberly Rose Connweller. She used to be embarrassed of her middle name when she was younger. Now she can't think of one good reason why she would hate it. She loves her name now, in fact. She missed the roses her parents would send her in their telegrams on Valentine's Day in middle school, even though she didn't like it back then. And she missed seeing her mom pull out a bookmark with a picture of her name on it.
Kim was suddenly pulled out of her daydream by a small rock nearly hitting her head and landing on the sand beside her. She looked up to see the apologetic faces of a little boy she used to babysit and his mother. Putting on her best smile, Kim was able to endure a few minutes of small talk with a woman she used to know. And then came the dreaded question.
"So how have you been?" she asked. Kim didn't know what to say. She never did. Should she lie and continue with the façade that she was fine? Or should she tell the truth and deal with the consequences? She needed someone to know. She desperately needed to tell someone how she still couldn't sleep at night and that sometimes the pain hit her out of nowhere, stunning her with its intensity and swallowing her whole. But she knew how that would turn out. Someone would tell her aunt or uncle, and then they would get concerned and they would have to deal with it.
That was part of the problem with small towns. Nothing was ever a secret. Everybody knew about her parents, and one of the things Kim hated most was pity. She hated seeing it in people's eyes. So, as usual, she smiled and said that she was fine.
"Goddamn. This is going to be so annoying." Jared rolled his eyes.
"Shut up, Paul."
"Seriously. You remember what it was like when we first phased. Fucking annoying, that's what. And now I'm going to be all alone in my disgust. Just great." Jared gave him a look. "Oh, don't you dare go all overprotective lover, telling me how great she is and that I need to respect her." Jared rolled his eyes again.
"Relax, Paul. I'm still me. I'm just…better. I have a feeling she's going to make me a better person," he said with a small smile. Paul sighed.
"And so it begins…"
She had always been shy. Even as a little girl, she rarely said a word unless she knew the person really well. Late on that same Thursday evening, she sat at the dinner table with her Aunt Rebecca and Uncle Daniel. They talked about their days at work while Kim pushed around the food on her plate and listened silently, still not completely comfortable in their home.
She felt guilty. Rebecca and Daniel were young, just starting their careers and definitely not ready to have kids. But, out of a sense of responsibility towards his sister, Daniel had offered to take in Kim and Steph after the accident. They had a large house with a few extra rooms and said they didn't mind, that they were no bother at all, and don't be afraid to ask for anything when you need it. But Kim knew she was intruding. So she mostly hid in her room, where she did her homework and listened to music.
Kim had always had a talent for getting lost in the sound. In her opinion, music was the most reliable friend anyone could have. While each song must always come to an end, there is always the hope of another on the horizon, the knowledge that there are countless others out there just waiting to be heard. Whenever the pressure of reality became too much to bear, she could always count on music to take her away and fill her with a joy that no other activity could fulfill.
So she lay in her bed and listened to music, thinking about the day's events. And she thought about him. She tried not to. She tried really hard. But she couldn't help it. She wondered what he was doing at the moment. She imagined what their life would be if they spent it together. And when she finally fell asleep, she dreamt of him.
