A/N: Just a new story idea that struck me, haven't had a chance to edit it or have it betaed so please forgive any mistakes :D
Letting Go and Moving On
His hands were freezing.
What a stupid thought to have running through your head when you were about to… no.
Don't think about that.
Of course it would be cold, barely even six o'clock in the morning in February (he hadn't wanted to expose too many people to it), and a particularly nippy one at that.
Also – well, standing on the roof of a building is bound to be cold no matter what the weather.
His whole body trembled as a violent shiver wound its way through him.
Truth be told it wasn't the weather at fault here, it was all him, petrified at the thought of what he was about to do. He wasn't an idiot, he had seen the movies, watched the tv shows, he knew what it looked like when someone jumped from a roof. Knew what the velocity and the cold hard ground could do to a human's body and it terrified him.
It wasn't the pain, no he was used to that.
It wasn't the blood, goodness knows he'd seen enough of it in his, admittedly short, lifetime.
It was the uncertainty of what would come after he hit the ground. He knew he couldn't cope with life anymore, not after 'it' had happened, he couldn't face going to sleep and reliving the nightmare all over again, but he equally couldn't face opening his eyes and reliving it during the day.
There was no escape.
He had to get away.
The thought plagued him though, what if it didn't get better?
What if he was such a terrible person that he would be condemned to hell and doomed to relive it for the rest of eternity?
He shivered again, more violently this time.
He should have died, not them.
Slowly, one by one he uncurled his frozen fingers from their deathlike grip upon the metal safety railings and threw one leg over. He paused for a moment and took a deep breath before bringing the other over to join it. Now there were mere inches between him and empty space and he reclaimed his grip on the bar, heart pounding in his throat, cold sweat prickling on his chest and an awful sick feeling in his stomach.
Inch by inch he leant forward to peer over the edge at the ground far below, gulping as he took in the concrete pavement lined by bollards and trees and other hazardous, painful looking objects. Images of his own crumpled body lying splayed on the ground in a puddle of crimson blood flashed before his eyes.
"Aramis" came a ghastly gurgling voice from behind him, "why did you let us die Aramis?" he didn't need to turn to know what he would see, because their faces were engraved in his mind for all eternity.
"I'm sorry" he gasped thickly "I'm so sorry."
Calmly he allowed his eyes to slide closed, took a deep, fortifying breath and slowly loosened his grip, allowing his body to tilt forwards weightlessly into the empty air.
"DON'T DO THIS!"
He startled badly at the sudden and unexpected shout, foot slipping off the edge and arms wind milling wildly as he tried to regain his balance and turn so he could cling to the railings.
A breathless gasp escaped his lips as his heart began to beat even faster, terror wrapping its way round his chest and pressing the air from his lungs.
The next second a large, warm hand wrapped its way around his arm and another gripped his waist. A feeling of weightlessness encompassed him as he was bodily lifted over the guard barrier by this unknown man, and before he knew it he had been laid gently on the cold concrete surface of the roof where he lay there in a dream.
Tears streamed unchecked from his eyes and down his cheeks, dampening the ground and creating little circles of darkness on the floor.
"Bloody hell" a gruff voice growled from the area near to his knees where he could feel a wonderful warmth spreading from the hand that rested on his shin "what the bloody hell were you thinking?!"
Aramis didn't answer, lifting an arm and draping it across his eyes, lamenting the fact that he had failed once again in fulfilling a promise he had made.
"Mate, are you alright?" the warm, smooth voice came again, this time from somewhere close to his left ear, "talk to me"
He slowly blinked open tearful eyes and his vision was filled with the vision of a dark skinned man, tightly wound curly hair and dimples deep in his cheeks from where he was smiling gently down at him. The most striking feature was the warm hazelnut eyes which were gazing down at him with such a saddened compassion that it made him want to cry again.
"I'm fine" he rasped quietly in response, pushing himself up into a sitting position and letting his head be cradled in his hands.
"Hey" the man soothed, "it can't be all that bad"
Aramis laughed wetly, "You have no idea"
The hand stroked gently over his head of chaotic curls, almost as if he were stroking a kitten of some kind and it was a comfort that he had missed with all of his being since… no those thoughts were off limits, stupid Aramis!
"Yeah you're right, that was a stupid thing to say" the stranger gave an embarrassed chuckle and looked a little sheepish at having put his foot in it like that, "I'm Porthos by the way"
"Aramis"
"So do you wanna talk about it?" he questioned gently, manoeuvring his bulk to sit practically plastered to Aramis' side, "because you know that what you were doin, that's never going to fix anything. I had a friend who tried to do the same thing, thought life weren't worth livin after everythin he'd been through, then we talked about it and he's doing much better now."
"Much better how?"
"Well he's down to only getting blind drunk as opposed to assfaced" he grinned mischievously with a cheeky wink " that's a step in the right direction"
Aramis huffed out a helpless little laugh, relaxing slightly at this man's alternative sense of humour, who would think of making jokes like that to a suicidal man?
"Come on then" the words startled Aramis out of his reverie almost as much as the other man's sudden movement, pushing himself to his feet and towering over the smaller man who wondered if this was how the Lilliputians felt when they met Gulliver.
"Come on then what?" he asked bemused, tear tracks drying on his cheeks and tightening the skin in a peculiar manner that he could feel whenever he spoke, skin stretching and pulling strangely with his words.
"You're gonna come home with me"
Porthos said it so simply, as if it was a given and he would be a complete lunatic to even think that saying no would be an option, that saying no would be even stranger than following a stranger back to his house.
A stranger who had literally just pulled him off the edge of a precipice.
"Meet Athos and have a warm meal"
Aramis just sat and stared blankly up at this saint like apparition of a man.
Porthos smiled gently down at him "I can hardly just leave you alone here can I, not after only having narrowly stopped you this time"
"Why did you?"
The soft whisper cut through the strangely jovial atmosphere like a knife, and Aramis cringed slightly at the shocked and upset silence that emanated from the other man.
"I stopped you" Porthos murmured softly "because I couldn't bear to see you waste your life in such a way, not when I've had experience with what drives a man to their last resort like that, not when I could do something about it. I was walking past and I saw you up there and you had this air of such terrible sadness that I couldn't just walk on by, I wanted to stop you, to hold you and make that distance in your eyes fade away. Don't that sound stupid eh" he chuckled lowly.
"No, it doesn't" Aramis responded, "but you can't help me, I'm beyond help. Believe me people have tried, I've tried"
"Well, just let me try"
With a nod of his head Aramis pushed himself to stand next to the giant, swaying slightly with the sudden change in altitude, those hands returning to steady him. His hands curled into tight fists, gripping the fabric of the front of Porthos' shirt tightly, clinging to him as they stood there motionless for a few moments.
Somehow the next Aramis was aware; he was sitting in a taxi. Head pillowed on Porthos' chest with a broad arm wrapped around his shoulders and keeping him pressed tightly to his side, not that he would complain since it was ridiculously comfortable. It briefly crossed his mind that he should be more than a little alarmed about this since he was essentially being kidnapped, but the warmth of the other man beside him was just too enticing and he allowed his eyes to slowly slide shut.
Porthos gently nudged him awake once the taxi had come to a gentle stop at the kerb outside his and Athos' townhouse, pulling him out of the vehicle and propping him up on the nearest lamppost while he tipped the driver.
"Woah, I gave you the post as something to lean on, not so you could lean the other way and face plant yourself on the concrete"
Aramis rubbed sleepily at his tired, burning eyes, allowing this beautiful stranger to drag him up the deep stone steps that led them to a cherry red door with a brass lion doorknocker. The door opened up to reveal a cosy hallway, a low wooden table to the right held a ceramic hand that the owner's keys had been thrown unceremoniously in, to the left there was an old fashioned hat and coat stand with a battered brown leather jacket hanging off it. Porthos shrugged off his own felt coat and hung it next to the jacket with a fond sigh, bending to line up the boots that had been kicked off and left before stripping Aramis of his coat and hanging that up to.
The corridor in front of them was long and lined with family photos, faces grinning happily out of frames, and Porthos led them carefully down it and through the last door on the right. Barely pausing, he carried on his way, ignoring the other man that was currently occupying the kitchen and placing the kettle carefully on the stove.
"Athos, I didn't think you'd still be home" Porthos finally turned to address his flatmate, tutting at the bare feet and low v necked shirt that he was sporting in the middle of winter.
A well groomed eyebrow was raised at him in amusement "I didn't expect you to be back home. Didn't you leave for work over an hour ago?"
"Yeah… about that" he chuckled guiltily, rubbing a hand sheepishly over the back of his head and gesturing with the other to Aramis who was still standing dumbly in the doorway. Not having moved or even blinked really since Porthos had let him go.
"Why is there a strange man standing in our kitchen Porthos, we already had this conversation, no more strays!"
"He's a little more than a stray Athos"
Aramis felt a faint streak of irritation rush through him as they stood, heads tilted towards each other and held a hushed conversation about him, while he was standing right there. It should aggravate him more he knew, but he simply didn't have the energy to do anything about it, already the floor was looking like a pretty appealing place to simply lie down and sleep.
"He… Kill imself Athos"
Words floated over to him as he stood there in a daze, and as he registered the taboo topic, he found himself speared with the gaze of the giants' dwarfish flatmate. Ice blue eyes blown wide with surprise surveyed him, narrowing slightly as they went before locking with his own chocolate coloured ones and seeming to stare right into the very depths of his soul.
"Here" Porthos murmured quietly, pressing a warm mug into his trembling hands (when had they started trembling?) and the heady aroma of hot chocolate floated up to greet him.
In unspoken agreement, the three men settled themselves comfortably in the armchairs that were placed strategically around a low coffee table for circumstances such as these. Aramis focussed his attention determinedly on his drink, anything to avoid holding that intense gaze and having any of his secrets read although he had a feeling that Porthos would drag them out of him soon anyway. A warm weight settled around his shoulders and he looked up into another one of those adorable smiles of Porthos', cheeks dimpling cheerfully as he settled the blanket around Aramis and squeezed his shoulders gently.
"Now" he began jovially, "if you're anything like Athos ere, you're going to be a grumpy little bastard about everythin. Growling an snarling an just generally doin anything to avoid answerin my questions, isn't that right Athos"
The other man gave a long suffering sigh and rolled his eyes at his friend but made no comment.
"So, are you going to pull an Athos or be a darling and answer my questions?"
"Umm" Aramis was not entirely sure how to answer this question for he had a feeling he would fall somewhere between the two extremes. "I don't know why I am agreeing to this" he exclaimed incredulously "but I'll answer your questions but I reserve the right to refuse at any point"
An enormous grin spread over Porthos' face, and damnit he hadn't thought it was possible for him to look even happier but he'd done it.
"Okay so let's start with a hard one, what was so awful that suicide seemed to be the answer to you?"
Despite knowing it was coming, the question still hit him like a kick to the gut, ice spreading through his insides as his mind fell into a spiral of despairing thoughts. With a quick pinch to the thigh, he pulled himself back to the present, having become quite adept at dispensing with these episodes.
"I… I-I don't k-k-know if I c-c-can t-t-tell you" his words caught in his throat and it took a great deal of effort to force them from his mouth, "I-I'll try but I've never…."
"Take your time" surprisingly it was Athos who spoke this time, tone as gentle as it had been sarcastic beforehand, "we have nowhere to be and if anyone can understand how difficult it is to talk about these things it's me."
"Oh yeah, Porthos said" Aramis blurted out "you see, the thing is… they a-a-all died"
That was all he could manage for a good while, but the other two just sat there in companionable silence, sipping their drinks and managing to not look expectant as they waited for him to continue.
"I was a soldier"
his voice was stronger now
"I was a good one, good at what I did and I fought to make the world a better place"
the floodgates had opened
"my speciality was sniping, no one could hit a target from as far away as I could, no one could be as accurate as I could"
there was a hint of pride in his voice then
"eventually the superiors took notice and my commanding officer, Treville, promoted me"
the pride was overtaken by bitterness
"I was in charge of that squadron of men, I was running that training exercise, codenamed SAVOY"
Here he broke off to take in a few gulping breaths, surprised to find that tears of frustration, of anger, of betrayal were streaming down his face, but he saw nothing but calm acceptance from the men before him.
"I- I- I can't, I just c-c-can't" it was too much, too soon. He had never even thought about the mission within the privacy of his own head, let alone telling someone else all about it.
"That's alright" Porthos soothed again and Aramis began to wonder if he was capable of any other tone of voice or if he was just that ridiculously comforting all the time. "I'm knackered anyway; I think it's time we all went to bed anyway"
"I'll just get a taxi" Aramis mumbled as he began to make his way back towards the vibrant front door that they had entered through what seemed like a lifetime ago.
"You will do no such thing!"
Oh so he was capable of another tone, scandalised was a new one on him and it actually managed to bring a small smile to his lips.
"You are going to come upstairs with us, borrow a pair of Athos' ridiculously comfortable flannel pyjamas and sleep on the fold out camp bed that we always bring out for when D'artagnan stays over. Then in the morning I'm going to cook you breakfast and we are going to sit and talk some more over pancakes, understood?"
Aramis could do nothing more than nod, dumbfounded, and again allow himself to be tugged around by the dictator disguised as a cheerful, easy going man mountain.
Five minutes later and he was standing in front of a mirror and frowning down at himself, despite the fact that Athos was only slightly bigger than him, he was entirely dwarfed by the pyjamas.
The sleeves hung down past fingertips, the material was constantly slipping down off his shoulder and he had to knot the strings on the waistband about five times before they stopped hanging off his hips. They were wonderfully soft though, it was like being wrapped up in a hug from your grandmother permanently, or hugging a teddy bear.
He blew a wayward curl off his forehead were it was tickling uncomfortably, and jumped when he noticed Athos lurking in the doorway behind him, arms folded and shoulder pressing against the doorjamb.
"You look ridiculously adorable" Athos drawled, lip twitching at the corner "I hadn't realised quite how tiny you were until now"
"I am not tiny!" he cried in indignation
"He's kinda like a kitten when e's all riled up, teeth and claws flying but just tickling your ankles" Porthos chuckled as he joined Athos in the doorway.
"I'm not that small! I just have delicate bones!" Aramis wailed.
"Alright munchkin, time for bed"
The three of them made their way into the main bedroom, where the extent of Athos ridiculous amount of money was evident in the Queen sized bed that was big enough for about five people, which dominated the middle of the room. It also made the absence of the promised camp bed all the more conspicuous.
"Where am I going to be sleeping?" Aramis asked in confusion "I thought there was a spare bed?"
"Yeah about that" Porthos laughed "D'artagnan might have broken it the last time he was here, we might have forgotten to get it fixed and so you might actually have to share with us. As long as that's okay with you?"
By this point Porthos and Aramis had climbed into bed and were looking at Aramis expectantly as he slowly made his way around to perch awkwardly on the edge beside Porthos.
A yelp of surprise was dragged from his lips as a hand grabbed his arm and yanked him down into the bed, strong arms wrapping around him and pulling him flush against a warm chest.
"There, now isn't that better" Porthos murmured against his neck, breath ghosting across his skin and tickling terribly.
The thing was Aramis couldn't deny that yes, it was better. He was feeling the safest, warmest and most comfortable that he had in a long, long while. Even though he had only met these men a handful of hours ago, he felt as if he could let all his guards, all his defences drop and that maybe, just maybe everything would be alright again.
A/N: Just an idea that struck me during a boring ferry crossing and since I didn't have access to my December Desolation chapters I just started writing and well, didn't stop! Please let me know what you think of this and I'll keep writing! :D
