A/N: This story was written for the following request posted at the Fic on Demand LJ community:
Go into your Spam folder and pick a subject line from any of the spam. That's the prompt! Using this title, write a slash fic involving any two male members of the Gotei-13. And somehow or another include Akon in that mess.
This lovely crack!fic is what my brain churned out.
(Oh, and in case you are wondering, Akon is a very minor character who is a member of the Gigai Department of Division 12. Thanks, Wikipedia.)
Akon was just about to head home after a very long night of hard work when he heard a strange noise come from his taichou's office. Now, he was more than accustomed to strange noises coming from the research labs (he tried not to ask too many questions about that), but this part of the building should be relatively safe. He'd been working late on a new gigai prototype, and he'd been certain that he had the building to himself. Quietly drawing his zanpakutou, he decided to check things out. Captain Kurotsuchi would be furious if someone was sneaking around his office trying to read classified research reports without his express permission.
But after he opened the door to the office, he quickly decided he would have much preferred an intruder to the horrifying sight before him. His Captain was standing in the middle of the office, completely naked, fondling himself in front of a camera. From behind, it was also painfully obvious that Mayuri had rectally violated himself with something long and phallic. One of the office's massive computer screens was devoted to displaying the sordid images from the camera as a sort of self-monitoring system (which meant Akon was subjected to both a frontal and rear view of his taichou at the same time). On the adjacent computer screen were several small open windows, each displaying fuzzy images of other nude men, also openly pleasuring themselves.
Just as Akon was about to back slowly out of the room and run home to pour bleach in his eyes, a message popped up on one of the screens:
EmoBoi06 has invited you to view his webcam
Mayuri accepted the invitation with a gleeful smile and another window opened. Akon couldn't help but gasp. Even though the face was fuzzy, he would recognize that hairpiece anywhere. That couldn't really be the Sixth Division Captain, could it?
He didn't have long to ponder this disturbing revelation, however, because his strangled gasp of horror had alerted Mayuri to his presence. Without even bothering to turn around, he calmly said:
"I think you'd best be leaving. If you want a show, you can log on and pay to watch just like everybody else."
Akon did not need to be asked twice. He turned tail and ran. He was pretty certain now that bleach would not be strong enough to burn these images out of his mind.
Perhaps hot pokers would do.
