Karkat P.O.V.
Well here goes another fucking day at what's probably the best job in the whole world, or at least the best one that I could get. I work at this place called "Hit the Deck" where I'm literally paid to be rude to the customers. Obviously not a difficult job since most of them are complete and total idiots, and I can hardly ever refrain from cussing even when talking to people I genuinely like and tolerate. My shift today was a fucking 8am to 5pm though because we're always short staffed. Not many people can handle the customers being rude back to them. So they snap and either quit or get their asses fired. Nevertheless I've been working there for about two years now. Not so much because I need the money, and more the fact that most other places wouldn't be willing to hire me. But who cares, this job is better because I can actually be myself at work here. Well that and my boss, Meenah, has a huge crush on me so if I asked for a raise or day off or anything really, she'd probably just give it to me. Not saying that I'd use her or anything but if I needed something I know she'd be more than ready to help me out. On top of that, she's fun to hang out with. But she's not really my type and she knows that since I've told her at least 20 times. So it's not my fault if she still harbors affections for me and gives me special treatment. Nothing I can do about her being batshit crazy, obsessive, and lovesick over someone who just doesn't bat for her team.
Anyway, I went through my morning routine same as always. Get up. Partially tame my hair so it's the right amount of messy. Throw on a button up shirt (the red one was my victim today), dress slacks, shoes, and a belt. Then head out the door. The drive to work was as short as always and I wound up being early once more. I got there as Meenah was unlocking the doors actually, which made me check my clock with a fair amount of concern. It was seriously six fucking thirty a.m.? A whole hour and a half early? And then it dawned on me. Fucking daylight savings time. I set my alarm and didn't set my clock back an hour. I was officially pissed off for the day. What a good way to get my fire started this morning. "Well fuck." I mumbled to myself. "Might as well help her set up since I'm here." I then proceeded to get out of my car, accidentally slam the door, and make my way over to my boss.
"Mornin Kitkat, you come in early just to see lil ol me?" Her sharp toothed grin made me want to fucking cringe right now. But it was too late to turn around and just go back home for an hour.
"No. I forgot to set my fucking clock." I quipped, walking past her and right on inside. She followed me of course.
"You're clownin me right? I reminded you like five hundred times yestaday."
"Well I clearly didn't get the fucking message like the goddamn earless bunghole muncher that I am."
"Clam it Kat. No worries. 'S cool that you're here early anyways. Leijon called out today so I needed an opener."
"Why do you still call her that? You know Nep's been married to Equius for like a year now."
"Old habits die hard." She shrugged and disappeared into the back to go lock her purse away in the office. I turned on all the lights and quickly went to re-lock the doors so no customers would try to come in half an hour before we're officially opened. Because fuck them if they think I'm going to be doing any more extra work for their early asses.
I'm going to skip over the majority of the morning now because honestly nothing interesting ever happens at that place before noon. To summarize: I set up. Meenah bugged the shit out of me the whole time and barely helped. Our hostess Vriska showed up, towing along our chef Tavros because his car's been shitty lately. Not long after that all the other servers for the day came in; Sollux, Terezi, and Gamzee. We opened. Had a slow breakfast as usual since we were more of a Lunch/Dinner establishment. Then things started to pick up. Averaging at about eight tables per server filled at a time by noon. That's when shit got interesting.
I was doing just fine with all my tables, usual, routine even. A few returning customers and regulars. Nothing special yet. Then Vris just had to fucking do me in. I already had at least two more tables than all the other servers when she decided to put these two blonde motherfuckers in my section, which left mine filled now. This was not gonna fucking happen today.
"Vris, not to be fucking rude or anything," I scoffed. "But do you have to put these asshats here? There's plenty of other sections that aren't filled beyond comfortable capacity."
"Sorry. No can do Karks. These boys asked for the rudest guy in the house and that's obviously you. Especially today since you've clearly got a stick up your ass. Or I guess a lack of a stick up your ass, since you'd like that sort of thing." She placed her clawed- i mean manicured- hand on my shoulder and I quickly batted it away with a sneer.
"Oh fucking bite me, ugh…. Fine, whatever. But you fucking owe me, spiderbitch. I'll be back in a damn minute to get to you guys, but until then keep your asses put."
"Yes sir." The shorter blonde said, smirking and faking a salute. Oh jesus fucking fuck this was going to be a headache. As I walked away I heard the guy and his friend snickering about his antics. Maybe not friend, maybe brothers? They looked fucking similar, ok.
I then tried to get Gamzee to take that table since his section was right next to mine and he already had two less filled than I did. Plus he owed me a solid anyway. But his fucking juggalo ass just laughed at me, slapped my shoulder, and gave me a "Sorry brother, that's not my motherfucking section." Well. I was completely and totally booked. Time to work my ass off.
In an attempt to piss the blonds off and make them leave, I went to every single one of my other tables before I even bothered to come back around and give them their menus. "You two are still fucking here?" I quipped, sneering almost because I really didn't like them at the moment.
"Well you told us to keep our asses put. Just following orders, sir." The same shorter blonde smirked again. Smartass clearly.
"What are you? A child? You don't have to fucking listen to me, I'm not your dad."
"Aw really? I was so looking forward to calling you daddy." I couldn't help but stop dead in my tracks and blush for a second. This guy was really flirting with me? What the fuck? Was he really paying that close attention to the gay jab Vris gave me earlier? Fuck it, whatever, back to being rude to him. He's just a regular customer after all.
"J-just shut the fuck up and order something already." Smooth. Real smooth. Oh great. He's grinning like he just won a prize or some shit. His friend/brother just sitting there, eyebrows raised and watching the whole thing in amusement.
"Alright, alright. You can just call me daddy instead then, no worries baby boy." And that is when all the blood in my body went to my face and … other places just a little. I had to make this PG 13 again at the very least.
"Nope. No. Fuck no. You're going to call me Karkat, because that's my fucking name. And I'll call you fuckface unless you want to tell me your name. Deal?"
"Shit, well that's no fun. But if you insist, name's Dave and this is my brother Dirk." And with that 'Dave' tipped down his sunglasses and fucking winked at me. I decided then that I would do everything in my power to keep this asshole from getting to me even with those marvelous eyes that were- were they like a chocolate brown? It was too quick for me to catch the color clearly but they were really nice.
"Stupid question, but, why the fuck are you wearing sunglasses inside? Both of you? If those even count as sunglasses." I asked, pointing to the triangle shades.
"Light sensitivity and style." Dirk shrugged.
"Okay, well …. On that note, what the fuck are you guys gonna order? I do have other tables y'know."
"Calm down tiny Satan. Do you have apple juice?" Dave asked, having not even touched the menu yet.
"I don't know, Dave, why don't you pick up the fucking menu and look under the section labeled 'Drinks' and tell me if we have any fucking apple juice? Also tiny Satan? Really?"
"Shit, Kitkat, calm down. It's just a joke since you're such a hot-head like the devil." He picked up the menu in front of him and started scanning it with a hint of a smirk. I already hated this guy.
"It's Karkat, you asswipe. We're not friends, don't fucking make up nicknames for me. And you asked to be seated with the rudest server so you shouldn't be surprised that I'm hot-headed and fucking rude like 'Satan', as if he even exists." I scoffed.
"I'll take an orange soda." Dirk chimed in.
"Thank you for being the least difficult prick here. Orange soda, simple. And you? Or do you need to re-learn how to read?"
"Oh fuck, yes."
"I fucking thought so-" I rolled my eyes.
"Spiked apple cider. Bring me two of those shits." He was practically bouncing in his seat.
"I need to see your I.D. then, idiot." Dave mocked me in a high pitched voice as he pulled out a photo I.D. from his wallet and handed it over. "There's no fucking way you're twenty-four. You look like a goddamn highschooler."
"Well it's legit. So If I could get that back before you drool all over it, that'd be great. And bring me that cider too." He left his hand out expectantly. I tossed the card back at him and it landed on the table. I then turned and just walked the fuck away because I had other tables to get to and this shit was getting ridiculous.
I put the drink orders in, went around to deliver shit to my other tables and check on them, and then brought the blonde pricks their drinks. Dave immediately, and wordlessly, slid his drink closer to himself and drank it like he hadn't drank anything in a fucking month.
"Holy motherfucking shit that's good. Kitkat, you really delivered on this shit. Thank you Satan." He swooned, never looking away from his glass.
"... You really are in love with that shit, aren't you? Oh, and I didn't fucking make it. The bartender did."
"I want a whole gallon of this shit to take home."
"Well fucking thankfully, we don't sell gallons of alcohol. Are you dipshits ready to order food yet or should I come back later when Dave isn't making out with his glass?" Dirk chuckled under his breath at that and for a brief moment I felt some small victory.
"I am not- … whatever. Yeah, we're ready to order." Dave muttered. He picked up his menu and pointed to something while sipping his drink defensively.
"Oh, so you can't actually read? You literally have to point at things. Oh my god. That's fucking adorable." I busted up laughing at that point.
"I can fucking read. This apple cider is just that fucking perfect that I don't want to stop drinking it, you asswipe."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll put in the order for it if you can actually tell me what it is."
"Dude, really? What if you had a deaf person come in here?"
"We have a couple guys that knows ASL, they'd be seated in one of their sections, not mine. Now just tell me what the fuck you want."
"I'll take the katsu burger." Dirk chimed in.
"Again, thank you for not being as much of a dick as your brother. Did you want seasoned fries or regular, fuckface?"
"Seasoned is fine."
"Ok, and now for the big baby, just tell me what the fuck you want."
"What's the spiciest thing that you've got here anyway?" Dave asked, now scanning the menu as if he was just seeing it for the first time. I hated it when customers did that shit and said they were ready when they really weren't.
"I don't fucking know, probably anything that says jalapeno in the title or in the description, dumbass." I snarked.
"C'mon Hades, that can't be the spiciest you've got. Jalapenos? Really? That's some mild shit for you to serve here in hell. I'm looking for fire." I groaned and he scanned the menu for another few seconds before smirking with a grin that made me wonder if I should be afraid of what he was about to say. So before he could say anything I jumped in.
"Find something you want yet? You're not the only douches I have to serve tonight. We're very fucking busy."
"Oh, I know what I want now, dear Lucifer." He waggled his eyebrows and I was totally fucking lost on whatever he was trying to say.
"Ok, are you going to tell me or just keep staring at me like a fucking idiot?"
"Isn't it obvious? I want that Devil's Dick sausage dinner. Make sure it's extra juicy too." He winked at me for the second time that night and I literally almost stormed right the fuck out of there. This was NOT happening. I refused to be swooned by that idiot. But apparently my cheeks had other ideas since they were getting hot and probably looked red as fuck.
"I- What- Did you really just make that fucking joke? That was lame as hell." I tried to cover.
"If it was so fucking lame then why are you blushing like a schoolgirl? Huh, kitkat?"
"I'm not. It's just fucking warm in here….." Nobody was going to buy that shit, even I knew it. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Ok so, one Devil's Dick and one katsu burger. I'll have that out whenever the fuck it's ready. Need any more drinks in the meantime?"
"I could use another cider, darlin'." Came the southern twang from Dave's lips. I normally hated southern accents but on this asshole it was somehow attractive. Fuck him and his ability to fuck with my brain.
My first task was to drop off another cider at their table so that I could avoid them for a bit after that. However, it didn't take long for me to make my rounds, close a few checks, and get back to them. It appeared that Dave was two ciders tipsy and just starting on the third. This could only get better or worse for me. Before I could set food down or say anything I got verbally slapped by the asshole.
"Yo karks, wasssup my boi, I need about three more ciders up in this bitch and you need to sit your fine ass down and share this dick with me." He was slurring just a little and it instantly clicked that he was either a lightweight or he at least had some liquid courage in his system. I stopped at the edge of the table, plates in hand, and just looked at him for a moment.
"Nope. You're getting cut off for a while. I can bring you virgin ciders but your ass is not getting any more apple vodka unless you sober up some. Also i'm fucking working, dumbass. I can't just stop and fucking sit down with you because you suggested it." I set the plates down in front of them and turned around only to nearly come nose to nose with Meenah.
"Actually, ya can. Your shift is just about over Karks. I got Cro to come in and cover the later shift since Leijon called out and you took her spot for me. Indulge these fine fellas and clam down some. I'll take care-a your tables for a few." Meenah said with a shit eating grin on her face. Why did things like this always happen to me. She slapped me on the shoulder, turned me around, pulled the string on my apron and made off with it before I could even protest. "See ya tomorrow kiddo." Then she fucking winked at me and shooed me towards the blondes. I flipped her off behind my back. What the actual fuck was going on? As she disappeared, I heard a whooping from a voice that could only have been Serket's. What kind of deal did she have with these blonde assholes that left me at their mercy?
"So it looks like you've totally got the time to sit your ass down and share this dick with me. Also,your boss is chill as fuck." Dave grinned.
"I am NOT eating that. I don't do spicy shit. But …..I'm gonna go grab a drink and get us a free appetizer I guess." I sighed and spun on my heel to go get some things from the kitchen. Apparently I was having lunch with these two dickheads.
I made my way into the back and passed Vriska on the way so I sneered at her. Then when I walked through the door to the back of house I found Meenah and Gamzee laughing their asses off about something that was apparently the funniest joke of the century.
"What's so fucking funny?" I sneered. "Also what the hell was that about? I don't want to sit with those two fucking pricks! But now i'm fucking forced to? What the shit Meenah."
"Karkles, honey, you'll thank me later for this. Trust me."
"I will fucking not. And you're giving them a free appetizer. And I get to keep whatever tips my tables leave, not you and certainly not Cronus."
"Done and done." She stared at me a moment. "Kat. You're fine. I talked with them a little while you were making your rounds and willing away your blush. They're shella chill. I think it'd be good for you to try this out. And if it doesn't go well ya could at least make a frond outside of work."
"What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?" I snapped. That's when Gamzee butted in.
"Motherfucker, chill. Get your calm on bro. All she's sayin is that it might help to all up an broaden your circle of buds. We're still best bros, yeah? And as your best bro I went an chatted with them too. Blondie's got a motherfuckin thing for you, a good kinda thing, an it could go somewhere if you just hang with him a while. He seems like your type. I would know since I'm your motherfuckin best friend."
"Gamzee? What the fuck? You too? Don't I get a say in any of this? Also what the hell exactly is 'my type' to you?"
"You an I both know you got a motherfuckin thing for twig boys, or whatever ya call 'em." Gamzee chuckled after the comment. I mentally slapped myself for ever talking to him about that sort of thing.
"Now get your homo-sexy ass back out there and take a chill pill." Meenah encouraged.
"Ok but I'm not giving him my number. Cause if this shit doesn't go well then I never want to see his ugly ass again and he's going on the block list for the restaurant. I'm not here to make friends. Got it?"
"Sure, Karks. Whatever ya say." Meenah smirked, walking away and probably rolling her eyes like she usually does.
I grumbled and grabbed a sampler platter on my way out. Then I grabbed a drink from the bar, Roxy already knowing what I wanted as soon as she saw me walking her way and having it ready for me. I went back to the cursed Booth of Blonde, ready to have my ears assaulted with stupid. Again, I was surprised instead.
"So, you didn't just slip out the back? Dirk, you owe me $20."
"You seriously fucking bet on whether or not I'd come back?" I sighed. "Maybe I should have just left when I had the chance." I grumbled.
"Hey hey, no thinking like that. You're gonna have a grand ol time hanging out with us Striders." Dave said smoothly, his slurring mostly gone. So he'd faked being drunk to cause attention. Awesome. That's probably why Meenah overheard that conversation. Sly little bastard.
"Striders? Is that like an idiotic secret group name or some fuckery?" I asked, eyebrow raised skeptically while I grabbed my drink.
Dirk chuckled. "As simultaneously cool and lame as that would be, no. It's our last name, as you probably might've seen from I.D.-ing my bro here."
"You're fucking joking right? Like hell I'd pay that much attention to the names of my customers."
"Chill bro. You're off the clock. No need to be so defensive and wound up." Dirk said, sounding actually concerned.
"Off the clock or not, I'm always like this. Why do you think they put you in my section? I'm the rudest asshole because it comes naturally. I don't have to put on an act to work here." I sneered, a little proud actually that I was considered the best server by the restaurant's standards.
"Well Dave, you really know how to pick 'em." The seemingly older blonde smirked. Dave seemed to give no response.
"Ohmygod, just shut the fuck up and eat your Katsu." The two exchanged a glance but I had no clue what it meant. "You can tell me to leave whenever you want by the way. I'd be more than happy to get the fuck out of here if you get sick of me."
"Dude, that was transparent as hell. Also, if you didn't want to be here then you wouldn't be. You're a grown ass adult. No one is forcing you to stay here, despite what your boss says. So you must wanna chill with us at least on some level." Dave pointed out. I was starting to learn that I didn't like it when he was right.
"Fine. Yeah. So I guess we all sit around and play 20 questions now until we're too drunk to remember the others answers?"
"Well we already know where you work so that's a question out. We both DJ at a club downtown. Sometimes as a team and sometimes as solos."
"Let me get this straight, you've been raised together all your life and you had such bad separation anxiety that you decided you needed to work together?"
"Nah man. We just had similar interests and we made some sick beats together at this party so we got hired together. The rest is sorta history. Also we weren't raised together." Something about the way he said that last bit told me not to press the issue for more details. Dave was doing all the talking now. Dirk becoming more invisible in my peripheral.
"Please tell me at least one of you has a fucking day job because that shit cannot pay all your bills."
"That's pretty true. I've got a nice gig down at the radio station playing pre-approved tracks all day and basically being a disc-jockey."
"So music then. That's probably your calling or some shit, isn't it?" I mentally slapped myself for practically pulling a line out of one of my guilty pleasure rom-com movies and tossing in a curse word to make it my own.
"Yeah, pretty much. It's what I've always enjoyed and been good at." He started to smile what seemed like a genuine smile.
Dirk coughed a little and brought my attention back to him. That's when I realized I'd scooted fairly close to Dave and had been facing him. Also that we'd been ignoring our food and that Dirk was practically done with his. "Are you two done enough with your stereotypical first date chit-chat to eat your food? Dave, you know damn well I'm not going to pay for your shit if you don't even fucking touch it." He glared at the both of us and I had no idea how to fucking react. What do you do when your not-a-date-customer's brother calls out said not-a-date-customer in front of you?
"Shit sorry bro. Didn't mean to leave you out. No worries, I'll make sure to polish this off if it means I get it for free." Dave conceded. A slightly awkward silence settled over the table after that, so I resorted to picking up my drink and downing it. Maybe getting a little bit of a buzz would help me come up with a way to stop being so fucking awkward.
"Sure." Dirk got up a second later, slapped some bills on the table, and started to walk off mumbling something about having a call to make.
"I .. uh. Did I get you in trouble or something there? What the fuck just happened?" I asked, confused by Dirk's attitude.
"Nah. He's just gonna go call his buddy Jake. Does it all the time. Don't think too much into it. They're usually on the phone for hours at a time." Dave shook his head, taking another bite of the spicy dick sausage.
"So you said you don't like spicy shit huh?" He changed the subject.
"I've got more of a sweet tooth and an acid tongue. Or so I've been told." I admitted.
"So even sugar can't make you any sweeter, huh?" He snickered.
"Not in my fucking experience at least." I wanted to play along. For whatever reason I felt drawn in. Then I remembered how this all started. "So do you usually use crude humor to flirt with random waiters at restaurants or is it just me?"
"Don't get me wrong I love crude humor. But the flirting doesn't happen often. And hardly ever this successfully, if you don't mind me saying. That is assuming that I can be bold enough to ask for your number and you swooned enough to release those digits to me; ultimately giving me permission to contact you again and maybe go on a real date where you're not at work and I'm not with my bro." Dave seemed hopeful and as I thought about never seeing the jerk again I found myself getting out a pen and grabbing a napkin.
"Don't take this as an o.k. to call me at ungodly hours of the fucking night or assume that it's a guaranteed date. It's not. I'd just like to hang out sometime, maybe when I'm not in prissy ass work clothes and socially obligated to stay longer than I intended to. I don't date strangers and I won't be making exceptions to that rule now." I sighed and held onto the napkin, waiting for his response before I handed that shit over.
"Dude yeah. Of course. I'm not a desperate little girl or anything. Bro code standard. I won't call or text for at least three days. Promise."
"Alright, Strider. Then I'm fucking trusting you here. Also I don't give a fuck about your bro code standard. Text whenever and I'll get back to you when I can. Can't say the same for calls though, so don't clog my goddamn voicemail if you can manage not to. " I handed the napkin over to him and got up without a word.
