"So how do you feel today, Cloud?"
It had been three weeks and I still had the same goddamn answer for him. Maybe today, I'd make it a little exciting...
"...Which is worse; a broken heart or a bleeding heart?" I solemnly responded, careful not to make eye contact.
"Well, which do you think is worse?" the psychiatrist responded.
He was trying to get on my good side again, making me answer all these stupid questions. He knew exactly how I felt...
"I'm not sure. A broken heart means the damage has already been done and there's nothing left but shattered remains of a once whole heart. A bleeding heart means that it hasn't broken yet, but the pain is fresh. It can be mended, but if left alone it can break. A bleeding heart holds more promise than a broken heart. Bleeding is dying, broken is dead..." I told him.
My insides felt like they were decaying and he wanted to know how I was feeling...
"Then wouldn't broken be worse than bleeding? Bleeding still has the potential to be fixed..." he shifted his weight in the chair, staring at me closer... examining me...
I pushed my chair further away. He looked puzzled at my distant movement. "I have this thing for when people examine me. I can't stand people staring at me..."
Hojo's image crept through my mind, but I waved the thought away and sat back down.
"But bleeding hurts a lot more because it is fresh pain and it aches much worse than a heart that is already broken. But broken can never be repaired..." I was thinking about this more in my mind and still couldn't decide which I was- broken or bleeding.
"Mmhmm..." He nodded and looked over at something on his desk. "What about Jenova?"
"What about Her?" my mind panicked and my heart skipped a beat when he mentioned her name.
"Well, what is she? Is she here now?" He waved his pen around the small office.
"She's always here...always trying to get me... My friends didn't understand though! They thought She was dead, but She can never die. She's always trying to get me..." my eyes darted around the room, but I knew She was invisible.
"Why does she want you? How does she 'get you'?" He adjusted his glasses and stroked his chin.
"She wants me because I am the last one with Jenova cells inside of me. I'm the last one She has power over with Sephiroth dead... When I'm asleep She can't grasp my unconscious mind, but when I'm awake She's always trying to collapse my mind, feeding me lies, trying to make me weaker so I bend to Her will more easily..." I told him gravely.
He looked speechless for a couple of seconds, as if he didn't believe it. "And what happens when she does 'get you'?"
"I lose all control to Her. I become a puppet, and She the puppetmaster. This is what my friends never understood. They don't know what it's like to lose all control... to watch yourself hurt the ones you love and care for and not be able to do a damn thing about it," I could feel my voice tensing with anger because my friends abandoned me.
"Cid Highwind... Do you know what happened to him?" the psychiatrist leaned in closer and again, I moved my chair back.
What sort of stupid-ass question is that? Of course I knew what happened to Cid!
"I...killed him... Jenova killed him using my body..." I blinked away some rushing tears. I hated admitting I was weak and I hated being used...
"What do you feel about that?" another stupid-ass question. I doubt he wanted to help me, just want to know how I felt about all the stupid things I've done in life.
"Cid protected Tifa until the end. Even the first time when I sliced Tifa's face open with a knife, Cid was the first to arrive and he beat the shit outta me. And the night of his death, he nearly killed me defending Tifa. He even told me, 'If I had my lance with me, I'd have already killed you!' But all we had was fists and I was stronger than he was... But it wasn't me! I would never wanna hurt my friends!" I could feel Jenova tugging at my mind while I was at the edge of an emotional breakdown.
"You told me last week that you killed him to save Tifa, right?" he asked, but he was beginning to sound very distant to me.
"Yeah, that's right. Jenova wanted me to kill Tifa. She was my one emotional strength and if she was dead, then I would be weakened entirely to Jenova's will and easily manipulated. I wanted to kill Tifa for a time...she was so beautiful and perfect... Why do we always want to destroy beautiful things?" I looked down at the floor, remembering it all.
"Were you jealous of her...perfection?"
"Yeah, I guess. It's just that...I had gone through so much pain and so much more shit than she had to. I don't know..." I shook my head, more static. "The point is that Jenova wanted me to kill Tifa, but at the last moment I summoned enough power to divert my hands to Cid's neck and snap his life away instead of Tifa's. But she doesn't understand that I saved her because I love her," I wiped my eyes, careful not to let any tears fall.
"Tifa visited you here, didn't she?"
"Yeah, but I'll never see her again. She never believed me. She said I couldn't love and that I don't understand what love is..." I trailed off, my voice shaking.
"How did that make you feel?" another stupid question! I closed my eyes and remembered how I felt.
"It felt...like I was trapped inside of a wall. I was stuck in a wall...the real me. I was looking through a window in the wall, yelling to her, but she couldn't hear me, she couldn't see me, she didn't even know I was there. It's a horrible feeling...I..." my words broke off again. I couldn't even talk about it without getting all teary-eyed and crap.
"Alright, Cloud. We'll meet again next week and talk some more," He put his hand on my shoulder and I quickly pulled away.
The two guards from the doorway walked back over to me, escorting me back to my cell. Barret had succeeded in trying to get me some help from in the prison, but I just ended up feeling worse every time I talked to the psychiatrist...
If only I weren't in this prison, ...but I guess they think I'm a danger to society after what I did to Cid. But they don't understand... Nobody understands the power of Jenova...
It had been three weeks and I still had the same goddamn answer for him. Maybe today, I'd make it a little exciting...
"...Which is worse; a broken heart or a bleeding heart?" I solemnly responded, careful not to make eye contact.
"Well, which do you think is worse?" the psychiatrist responded.
He was trying to get on my good side again, making me answer all these stupid questions. He knew exactly how I felt...
"I'm not sure. A broken heart means the damage has already been done and there's nothing left but shattered remains of a once whole heart. A bleeding heart means that it hasn't broken yet, but the pain is fresh. It can be mended, but if left alone it can break. A bleeding heart holds more promise than a broken heart. Bleeding is dying, broken is dead..." I told him.
My insides felt like they were decaying and he wanted to know how I was feeling...
"Then wouldn't broken be worse than bleeding? Bleeding still has the potential to be fixed..." he shifted his weight in the chair, staring at me closer... examining me...
I pushed my chair further away. He looked puzzled at my distant movement. "I have this thing for when people examine me. I can't stand people staring at me..."
Hojo's image crept through my mind, but I waved the thought away and sat back down.
"But bleeding hurts a lot more because it is fresh pain and it aches much worse than a heart that is already broken. But broken can never be repaired..." I was thinking about this more in my mind and still couldn't decide which I was- broken or bleeding.
"Mmhmm..." He nodded and looked over at something on his desk. "What about Jenova?"
"What about Her?" my mind panicked and my heart skipped a beat when he mentioned her name.
"Well, what is she? Is she here now?" He waved his pen around the small office.
"She's always here...always trying to get me... My friends didn't understand though! They thought She was dead, but She can never die. She's always trying to get me..." my eyes darted around the room, but I knew She was invisible.
"Why does she want you? How does she 'get you'?" He adjusted his glasses and stroked his chin.
"She wants me because I am the last one with Jenova cells inside of me. I'm the last one She has power over with Sephiroth dead... When I'm asleep She can't grasp my unconscious mind, but when I'm awake She's always trying to collapse my mind, feeding me lies, trying to make me weaker so I bend to Her will more easily..." I told him gravely.
He looked speechless for a couple of seconds, as if he didn't believe it. "And what happens when she does 'get you'?"
"I lose all control to Her. I become a puppet, and She the puppetmaster. This is what my friends never understood. They don't know what it's like to lose all control... to watch yourself hurt the ones you love and care for and not be able to do a damn thing about it," I could feel my voice tensing with anger because my friends abandoned me.
"Cid Highwind... Do you know what happened to him?" the psychiatrist leaned in closer and again, I moved my chair back.
What sort of stupid-ass question is that? Of course I knew what happened to Cid!
"I...killed him... Jenova killed him using my body..." I blinked away some rushing tears. I hated admitting I was weak and I hated being used...
"What do you feel about that?" another stupid-ass question. I doubt he wanted to help me, just want to know how I felt about all the stupid things I've done in life.
"Cid protected Tifa until the end. Even the first time when I sliced Tifa's face open with a knife, Cid was the first to arrive and he beat the shit outta me. And the night of his death, he nearly killed me defending Tifa. He even told me, 'If I had my lance with me, I'd have already killed you!' But all we had was fists and I was stronger than he was... But it wasn't me! I would never wanna hurt my friends!" I could feel Jenova tugging at my mind while I was at the edge of an emotional breakdown.
"You told me last week that you killed him to save Tifa, right?" he asked, but he was beginning to sound very distant to me.
"Yeah, that's right. Jenova wanted me to kill Tifa. She was my one emotional strength and if she was dead, then I would be weakened entirely to Jenova's will and easily manipulated. I wanted to kill Tifa for a time...she was so beautiful and perfect... Why do we always want to destroy beautiful things?" I looked down at the floor, remembering it all.
"Were you jealous of her...perfection?"
"Yeah, I guess. It's just that...I had gone through so much pain and so much more shit than she had to. I don't know..." I shook my head, more static. "The point is that Jenova wanted me to kill Tifa, but at the last moment I summoned enough power to divert my hands to Cid's neck and snap his life away instead of Tifa's. But she doesn't understand that I saved her because I love her," I wiped my eyes, careful not to let any tears fall.
"Tifa visited you here, didn't she?"
"Yeah, but I'll never see her again. She never believed me. She said I couldn't love and that I don't understand what love is..." I trailed off, my voice shaking.
"How did that make you feel?" another stupid question! I closed my eyes and remembered how I felt.
"It felt...like I was trapped inside of a wall. I was stuck in a wall...the real me. I was looking through a window in the wall, yelling to her, but she couldn't hear me, she couldn't see me, she didn't even know I was there. It's a horrible feeling...I..." my words broke off again. I couldn't even talk about it without getting all teary-eyed and crap.
"Alright, Cloud. We'll meet again next week and talk some more," He put his hand on my shoulder and I quickly pulled away.
The two guards from the doorway walked back over to me, escorting me back to my cell. Barret had succeeded in trying to get me some help from in the prison, but I just ended up feeling worse every time I talked to the psychiatrist...
If only I weren't in this prison, ...but I guess they think I'm a danger to society after what I did to Cid. But they don't understand... Nobody understands the power of Jenova...
