FORGIVNESS

Jeff fell onto his bed in a crumpled heap. He felt absolutely miserable. He just knew that Nick was going to hate him forever for what he'd done. Nick. The only person he fully trusted. The only person he regarded as something similar to family. His boyfriend. Probably Ex-Boyfriend now. Jeff thought gloomily. There really was no excuse for what had happened. When he and Nick started dating, they had promised each other only three things. That they'd always tell the other if something was wrong, that they would never lie to each other, and that Jeff would always tell Nick if he'd started cutting again. No matter what. It wouldn't matter if they broke up, either. Their bond goes so much further than just a romantic relationship. Nick had saved Jeff from himself, and Jeff helped Nick figure out who he really was. They had been best friends since freshman year, and grew even closer once Jeff transferred to Dalton to escape his old life. Nick does so much for Jeff every single day. And Jeff had just failed him.

Two months ago, Jeff's mom contacted him and asked him to come home. To visit the family. Nick had argued immediately, saying that when they kicked Jeff out of the house they kicked him out of their lives. No matter what reasons Jeff gave him for wanting to go, Nick refused to let him. Nick had a point, too. Jeff's parents were never good to him, even before he'd come out. His father would come home drunk, and physically abuse Jeff for not being the perfect something or other. His mother would just stand off to the side, too scared to intervene. Nick was making some very valid points as to why Jeff should decline the invite. Eventually, Jeff just agreed, knowing that he'd find a way to go home anyway, because, in all honesty, he really did miss his family, deep down. He contacted his mom to tell her that he'd be home for spring break. Nick was spending the week with his parents, and although Jeff was invited to come too, he knew that it was a personal family time for Nick and he didn't want to intrude.

When he finally got home, he was really optimistic that this time it would be different. And in a way, it was. His dad still went out, still got drunk. His mom was still pretty much nowhere to be found most of the time. But instead of beating the crap out of Jeff every time he came home, Jeff's dad turned to verbal abuse. The usual words were always there, "What do you want, you dirty fag? Why do I even pay for you? You'll never amount to anything. You will always just be a disgrace to my family. I'm so ashamed to even think about calling you my son!" These kinds of words were typical when Jeff still lived here. He thought he could handle it. Only a week, and his mom would be satisfied. He wouldn't even come back with any bruises! Nick would never find out. Jeff stayed strong for the first few days. It was the fourth day of the nine day vacation that his dad hit the one spot Jeff had secretly been dreading he'd skip. Nick.

"And what about you 'boyfriend'? That poor boy left trailing after you! You force pity onto all of those so called friends of yours! Oh don't look so surprised, kid. You really think that people want to be around you? They don't actually like you! Nobody does! Your boyfriend doesn't love you, that's for sure! Or is there another reason any of your 'friends' haven't called you? Texted you? It's because they're all so relived that your gone!" That hit Jeff like a punch in the gut. Because it was true. He'd gotten only one text from Nick so far this week. And that was to tell him goodbye for the week. All of the self-loathing from before came rushing at Jeff, and it engulfed him in a swarm of words swimming around in his head. The cutting started again shortly after that. And it continued to get worse as the week passed. His dad never let up on the constant flow of hatred directed at Jeff, and the insults continued to be aimed at Nick. Now that Jeff's father had found the kink in Jeff's armor, he was attacking it with full force.

And that is how Jeff found himself in the state he's in. He feels absolutely wretched. He did two of the things he'd promised Nick he'd never do in on week. That alone gave him a sickening feeling in his stomach. But what really got him is that he knew this was the perfect excuse for Nick to drop him. The past week with his father had convinced him that Nick really didn't care about him at all, and Jeff was just a charity case. Jeff let out a strangled sob, and reached out for the razor he'd left on his nightstand. He didn't care that Nick would be back any minute. All of the memories were forcing another wave of hatred upon him. At his dad, his mom, and himself. At the world for not accepting him. At his 'friends' for lying to him. But not at Nick. No, he loved Nick to much to aim any of this at him. It would never be Nick's fault. A knock on the door caused Jeff to shove the razor under his pillow and pull his jacket sleeve over the still openly bleeding wounds on his arm. The door swung open to reveal a beaming Nick.

"Jeffy!" Nick called out to the still form lying on Jeff's bed. Jeff stayed as still as possible, hoping that Nick would assume he was asleep. He really didn't want to face these issues today. But of course, Nick knew Jeff too well to fall for that. And he knew him well enough to know that something was wrong. "Jeff," Nick started as he sat down hesitantly beside Jeff. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Jeff mumbled quietly. It's obvious now that Nick knows that something's up. Jeff just hopes that he'll see that he doesn't want to talk about it and leave it alone for now.

(NPOV)

"Jeff..." Nick said. "I know something happened. Please tell me?" Nick pleaded. As he was talking, he slid his hands around Jeff's waist, encircling him from behind. But when Jeff flinched away at the contact, Nick grew even more worried. "Jeffy, baby, please! I want to help." Jeff's hands tried futilely to undo Nick's from around his waist. And that was when Nick felt it. The warm, sticky blood was seeping through Jeff's jacket sleeve and staining the blue fabric a dark red. As Nick made the connection, his eyes welled up with tears. "Jeff please tell me this isn't what I think it is... please?"

At this, Jeff broke down. The tears he'd been holding back came pouring out of his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry!" Jeff was bawling. Nick tried to calm him down, but being close to hysteria himself, it wasn't having much of an effect.

Nick didn't care whatsoever that Jeff broke one of the promises he'd made him. He just wanted to know what had happened. The vows that they'd made was more to remind the other that they cared and would always be there. He was concerned that Jeff was worried he would break up with him or something drastic like that over this. And yet, it seemed like there was more behind it. Jeff had been fighting for two years now, and something minor wouldn't be big enough to result in this. And by the amount of blood seeping through the jacket, Nick guessed that it wasn't just a few fresh cuts. Deciding that patching up the cuts would be a good place to start, Nick carefully detached himself from Jeff and headed to the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

When he returned, Jeff had curled himself in a tight ball and the amount of tears flowing from his eyes had not stopped. If anything, it had increased. Nick's heart broke into a million pieces at the sight.