A/N: I came up with this idea after watching "Le Passé devant nous". The storyline in this fic is completely different from the one in the movie. I only projected Alice's feelings onto Delphine, because I thought it could be quite interesting to see her deal with such feelings. In this fic, Cosima and Delphine never saw each other again after Delphine was shot and never crossed paths during their stay in Revival.

English/French/German aren't my first languages, so you'll find a few mistakes and if that bothers you, please don't read this fic. (German translations can be found at the and of the chapter)

Enjoy!


Changes

I glanced out the window, watching the snow fall from the sky while it covered the campus under a thick white blanket. Piles of paper and several studybooks were sprawled across my desk, indirectly reminding me of how much work I had done today and how much work there was still left. Grading my students' essays, it's not the most exciting part of being a professor, and especially not when you just started working at this university. I know that it shouldn't matter, but I want my students to like me. Luckily for me, most of them did pretty good so far. There are only two or three students who need to give their work a little more attention.

A small smile curls at the corners of my lips… worrying about simple things like this, it's nothing compared to all the worries that controlled the life I lived almost seven years ago. I don't want to think about that anymore, but after I recovered from a gunshot wound at Revival, I was transferred to Sardinia, Switserland and Germany to do research for P.T. Westmoreland, and after the fall of Neolution, I considered moving back to France, but was offered a lecturing job at the Humboldt-Universität in Berlin. My life changed drastically that year, and just three months after I started working at that university, I collapsed in my office.

A nervous breakdown, the psychiatrist told me, due to a long-term exposure to severe stress and an near death-experience. I immediately checked myself into one of the Schneider's clinics, followed his famous recovery program with success, and was done by the end of fall. I managed to build a steady life in Berlin, I loved living and working there and had no intention of moving, but when professor Martin gave me a call three weeks ago and offered me a job at the department of Immunology at the University of Toronto, I didn't have to think twice. I can't say that I have good memories of that city, but that's all in the past now. I couldn't refuse his offer, simply because I didn't have the best experience with DYAD and almost died in that parking lot. The only good thing that happened in Toronto was meeting my ex-lover, who I tried to contact the second I moved to Berlin, but to no avail. She constantly changed her phone number at the time, and that didn't make it any easier for me to find her. I know that she's still alive, but I have no clue about her job, her address, or if she's still in touch with her sisters. I don't know if she's still living in Toronto, or moved back to Minnesota or San Fran. She doesn't have any social media and I don't even know if she's aware that I'm alive, if she's still with Shay or if she ever thinks about me. It's not like I miss her though, I still care for her of course, and can still taste our last kiss on my lips, the one we shared in front of Bubbles just moments before I was shot, but we live different lives now. I moved on and I guess… no… I hope… she did too.

"Delphine?" A familiar voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Professor Martin," I said, quickly trying to organize my messy desk.

"Please call me Dan," he laughed. "I saw you in the parking lot this morning. It wasn't even 6.30 yet, why don't you go home and relax a bit? It's 5 pm already."

I nodded and stood up from my seat, feeling the ache in my muscles. Sitting in the same position for too long is not good for your body they say, and I can definitely confirm that. I should schedule another appointment with my masseuse soon.

"Have you met a few of the other professors since you started working here?"

"Just a few," I answered as I picked up my handbag from the floor, stuffing it with essays. They couldn't wait until tomorrow. I have the house all to myself tonight, which gives me a good reason to finish the work at home, lie on the comfortable couch and order some sushi.

"Well," he started, giving me a kind smile. "There's a New Year's reception for the staff of five different departments tonight. Why don't you accompany me? I can introduce you to the others."

I immediately grew suspicious and alarmed. Did he expect something in return? Was he asking me on a date or just trying to be nice? It wouldn't be the first time that a superior made inappropriate advances at me. For promotion, for privileges, for an important signature I needed…

"Don't worry," he chuckled, detecting my wariness. "I'm sure my husband doesn't care."

"Oh," I smiled, suddenly feeling relieved. I quickly considered his offer, scanned all my dresses in my mind and tried to ignore the paperwork that still needed to be done. I don't know a lot of people here yet, this could actually give me the opportunity to expand my social circle a little.

"Why not?"

"Great," the fifty-year-old man exclaimed. "I'll pick you up at eight."

He turned around and left the room before I could answer him. I put on my coat, draped my scarf around my neck, and grabbed my car keys from my desk before I made my way to the parking lot.


Driving through the snow, it's something I try to avoid when I can. The world looks completely different when it's covered in white flakes, beautiful and confusing at the same time. I know a few places in Toronto, but I don't know the streets like the back of my hand. The road from university to my apartment is an easy one and leads me past the library, Bubbles, the mall and a graveyard. I always suppress the urge to peek inside Bubbles when I drive past the bath and body shop that's owned by the Hendrix family, but I've gotten a quick glimpse of Alison a few times. The first time I saw her, she was standing outside and painting the window sills. I had almost crashed my car into the vehicle in front of me, because for a second, I was convinced that I was looking at her. I mean, how could I've known that Alison occasionally wears reading glasses and has a bob now? I can't say that I haven't fantasized about what my ex-lover looks like these days. She'll turn 37 this March and I doubt that she still has her dreads, it's very unlikely, a bob would actually be a good option. Of course she still ownes glasses, has a few wrinkles and lines on her face, and I think she's skinnier than before, due to her illness. Her sickness surely took a toll on her body and she's probably still a little underweight, her body not being able to resume its previous fat percentage.

I drove past the mall and the graveyard, and just thirty minutes later, I parked the car in front of the apartment complex.

"Ed?" I said as I opened the front door of the house. Inside, every room was packed with boxes, stuffed with accessories, clothes, books, and other things.

"In the kitchen!" he answered, the delicious smell of food already filling my nostrils.

I walked into the kitchen and spotted him standing at the stove, preparing dinner.

"What are you cooking?" I asked, wrapping my arms around his waist before I kissed his shoulder.

"Lasagna," he answered, turning around in my embrace to press his lips against mine. "Hope you're hungry."

"Starved, but I'm gonna take a shower first. Professor Martin asked me to a New Year's reception at work and I said yes."

"Oh, so you're going on a date with an old guy tonight?" he chuckled.

"Old guy? You're not exactly young yourself mister."

"I'm still eight years younger than he is Delphine," he said jokingly. "Do I need to worry?"

"Yes," I whipsered, changing my tone into a seductive one as I began to unbutton my blouse, giving him a good view of my breasts that where tucked into a red bra. "And I'm still going… but maybe… I'll change my mind if you have a better idea to spend the night."

"Hmmm," he hummed as he let his eyes roam over my bra-clad bosom. He reached out to slip my striped blouse from my shouders, kissing a trail down my neck slowly. A feeling of excitement stirred in my lower belly and I felt my sex clench in longing as his hand cupped my left breast.

"Why don't you join me in the shower?" I suggested huskily, reaching behind my back to unfasten my bra.

"No babe, I'm sorry but have to make us dinner," he chuckled, licking his lips as he stared at my bare chest. "And besides, Frank will be here in an hour to watch the hockey game before we'll go to the club."

I rolled my eyes, stepped back and picked up my blouse and bra from the floor. "Okay, now I'm definitely going on that date tonight," I joked.

He let out a soft laugh and focused his attention back on the food as I shuffled towards the bathroom.

"Hey, Ed?" I asked when I passed the guestroom and peeked inside. The walls were still white, boxes still piled up to the ceiling. " Do you remember that you promised to paint the guestroom today? It still looks the same to me."

"Yeah, eh," he started, and I immediately recognized his tone. The tone that he always uses when he's going to bring up a particular subject. One that makes my stomach cringe every time. I sighed in annoyance and prepared myself for another speech while the wetness between my legs faded quickly. "I think we should keep it that way Delphine. You might get pregnant within the upcoming months and then I'll have to paint the room all over again. It's the only room we have that's big enough to turn into a nursery."

Merde.

I didn't respond and entered the bathroom, turned on the shower and took off the rest of my clothes, before I stepped under the hot spray. A baby… we've been discussing it for at least a year now. It's Edgar's biggest wish to have a child with me, to raise a kid together, but we're definitely not on the same page about this. I love newborns, but babies will grow, and they'll start to crawl, walk, talk and push you to your limits, and that's when I don't like them anymore. Kids are mean, they try to manipulate you all the time. Maybe it's my bullying past that has influenced my view on having children myself, I'm not sure. My boyfriend doesn't know about my real feelings, and I'm too scared to tell him, because he will leave me. That's one thing I know for certain. So, I agreed to take out my IUD and we began trying six months ago, but I secretly went to see my doctor to get a pill prescription and I keep taking it ever since. The guilt and shame I'm feeling about this decision, is eating me up inside, but I really don't want to be a mother and I don't want Ed to leave me.

I don't even know how to raise a child, how to be a mother. I didn't have the best example myself. My mother has never worked a day in her life, because she wanted to stay home and take care of her two young daughters, but she only used that as an excuse, so she could leave us with our Spanish babysitter once my father went to work in the morning. She spent the days buying the finest clothes with my dad's money and occasionally brought a lover home in the afternoon, who quickly left our villa when my dad came back from work. I'm not sure how many affairs my mother had when I was a kid, but I remember seeing at least five different men. My mom didn't want to be a mother, but was scared that my dad would leave her if she didn't give him children and that he would take all the money with him, so my mom blessed my dad with Vivienne, and although she didn't have any maternal feelings, she did okay and was quite happy with her babygirl. After six years, and to everyone's surprise, my mother found out that she was expecting again. I'm an accident and sometimes I wonder if my dad is actually my biological father, because my mom had another affair at the time. I guess she really enjoys lovers.

I was only ten years old when she left the house in the morning, never to return again. My father was heartbroken for a long time and wasn't able to take care of us all by himself. Vivienne and I were sent to a boarding school near Paris a year later, and it was the worst time of my young life. Vivienne completly lost it when she moved to New York to study Anthropology, she got addicted to drugs, was expecting a baby at age eighteen and has never finished her studies. She had a rough time for a few years, but successfully managed to build a life for herself. She's now married to Robert, a banker, they live in New York and raise their teenage son together. Her daughter is a beautiful young woman now, and engaged to a decent young man. I'm so incredibly proud of her and my niece. My dad still lives in Lille and is a happy single man, my sister and I are still in touch with him. I don't know much about my mother, but apparently, she's living a wealthy lifestyle in Madrid with her new husband who has several kids and grandkids. I sometimes wonder how that goes, maybe the role of a step-grandmother suits her better than the role of a mom.

"Delphine?"

A soft knock on the door and my boyfriend's sweet voice pulled my out of my thoughts.

"Dinner is ready babe."

"I'm almost done." I replied as I grabbed my razor from the shower caddy and hastily began to shave my legs and armpits.


"Are you okay?" he whispered, his voice full of concern. "You haven't eaten anything yet. Your food is getting cold."

"Oui," I sighed, "I'm thinking about this whole pregnancy thing."

"What about it honey?"

"I just think we should take a break you know," I said, tilting my head up to look at him.

"What? Why?"

"I just started a new job Ed, we moved to another country. Don't you think it's all a bit much?"

"Yes," he nodded, surprising me immensely. I had prepared myself for a heated discussion, an argument. "But your eggs aren't getting any younger sweetheart and I'm already forty-two. I don't want strangers come up to me and ask me how old my grandchild is."

He stood up from his seat and knelt in front of me, affectionately rubbing his hands over my bare thighs.

"I'm scared Ed," I confessed, biting my lip in frustration. Frustration towards myself. "I don't wanna be like my mom."

"Delphine, sweetheart, you're not your mom. You'll be a fantastic mother and yes, I'm scared too, but we can do it okay? We have each other."

A tear rolled down my cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb. I looked him into his blue eyes and pushed my own feelings away. I can not deny him this, he wants to be a father more than anything.

"Okay," I whispered, even though deep down in my heart, I already knew I was going to take my birth control pill again in the morning.

"Good," he breathed, and I could clearly make out the relief in his voice. "Now go get dressed, Frank will be here in five minutes and I don't want him to see you in that sexy robe of yours. He's single you know."

"Sexy?" I asked, looking down at my pink cheeta-printed fluffy robe.

"I was being sarcastic babe."


The dress I had picked for tonight's occasion was a present that Edgar gave me for my birthday. The perfect little black dress I had been dreaming about since… forever. It's made out of lace, has long sleeves and a zipper on the back. I glanced into the mirror and couldn't suppress the small smile forming on my face. A few fine lines had started to appear at the corners of my eyes and mouth, and I looked a little older, wiser perhaps, but I still look good for a woman who had just turned thirty-six. My body is still slim, my belly still flat and my breasts haven't changed a bit, it's something that pleases Edgar immensely. I pulled my curly hair up into a messy ponytail and applied some light makeup before I walked back into the living room, where Egdar and Frank were laughing, drinking beer and watching the hockey game.

"Zip me up, will you?" I asked my boyfriend, turning around to show him my exposed back. He stood up from the couch and kissed a few moles on my back before pulling up the zipper.

"Du bist die schönste Frau der Welt," he whispered in my ear. "Ich liebe dich."

"Je t'aime aussi," I replied in my own mother tongue, slipping my feet into my heels and tied the belt of my coat just before the doorbell rang. A wave of nausea rushed through my stomach. I'm going to meet a lot of interesting people tonight. What if they don't like me? If they're much more talented than I am? More intelligent? Did more interesting research? I didn't have time to think about everything that could go wrong, because I opened the front door before I realized it.

"Bonsoir Delphine," Dan smiled, "Are you ready?"

"Y…yes," I stammered nervously, taking his outstretched hand before he guided me through the snow and helped me into his car.


The central hall, where the reception was held, was packed with at least two hundred people. I, the introverted person that I am, was standing in the corner, sipping a glass of wine and observing groups of people talking to each other. It's funny how everyone always seem to take on different roles when they participate in group conversations. I'm the listener, the observer who doesn't talk much. Dan is a leader, an extroverted person, and is speaking to a few men and women I've never seen before.

"Delphine," he said, asking me to join the conversation when he saw me standing there by myself.

I shuffled towards him, anxiety flowing through my veins as all eyes turned to me.

"Guys, this is professor Delphine Cormier," he introduced me, squeezing my shoulder in reassurance. "Delphine these are the other immunologists in our department."

They all introduced themselves, shaking my hand and began to ask a thousand questions.

"Are you the one from Berlin?" a woman named Jackie asked.

"Yes, me and my boyfriend immediately moved to Toronto after I accepted the job."

Oh God, I instantly regretted my words. Accepted the job? Really Delphine? That sounded incredibly arrogant, most of them probably had to apply for it.

"Delphine is Edgar Schneider's girlfriend," Dan explained as I took another sip of my wine.

"Schneider? That well respected German psychiatrist? Who has several clinics around the world? I didn't know he had a girlfriend" Jim wondered, staring at me with wide eyes.

"Yes that's him, and yeah, we're very private," I answered awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck.

I still get very awkard and uncomfortable whenever someone asks me about my relationship with Edgar. I wasn't supposed to fall for him… my psychiatrist. A romantic relationship between a doctor and his patient is not something to be proud of or something to brag about. Thank God it didn't cost me my job and that Ed's employees have a lot of respect for him. They didn't report it and kept it a secret until I was done with the program. I'm so thankful for that.

Me and my new colleagues talked for a little while, about their researches, about mine, about former jobs and our families, but when they started talking about their kids and grandkids, I excused myself and began to wander around the area. The ceiling was decorated with impressive chandeliers, colored balloons and Christmas lights. Huge screens with animated fireworks and New Year's wishes from important people were placed against the back wall.

I don't know how I do it, but whenever I'm in a club or at a big event, I always succeed to locate the bar in no time, and tonight was no exception. I sat down on one of the bar stools, ordered a Tequila Sunrise and had just swallowed the first sip, when my ears picked up a conversation between four of five people behind me.

"Did you guys notice all the newbies that started after the New Year?"

"Yes Veronica, that's because a lot of the older professors retired this year, remember?"

"I know that! But those new ones were given the biggest and most comfy offices. That's unfair don't you think?"

"Veronica is right, it's kinda unfair. They haven't proven themselves yet."

"Exactly Molly, I don't even know ninety percent of the names that were on the list."

"There was a list?" Another female voice joined the conversation. "A published one?"

The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it right away. I shrugged, and tried to focus on something else as I took a bite of a shrimp skewer, but the conversation the women behind me were having was too amusing. They're clearly intimidated by all the new people.

"Yes dummy, we all received an email right before the Christmas break with all the names and academic titles of the new ones," the woman named Veronica answered.

"Nothing too impressive though," Molly added, and I rolled my eyes in annoyance."But, did you guys hear that there's a new professor added to the immunology department? Dan Martin called her himself and offered her a job. She didn't even have to apply."

Merde, they're talking about me. I did my best to shift my attention to something else, but my ears couldn't block out their voices.

"Immunology? There was no one on the list for that department?"

"Jesus Bree, that's because she was asked during Christmas break," Holly said and I knew she was rolling her eyes, without even seeing her.

"I bet she's super arrogant and probably bragging about all of this," Veronica laughed, jealousy dripping from her voice. "I wonder if she's here right now. I wanna know what she looks like."

"Come on ladies, why all the hate? Can we please talk about something that's actually interesting? Like the evolution of snake skulls?" the familiar voice suggested, making me wonder once again why it sounded so like… home? I couldn't ignore how much the sound of it warmed my heart in an extremely pleasant way.

"No, sorry this is too exciting for me. I heard that she had to give Dan a blowjob and I bet a million dollars that she did. She seems to have a history with fucking her superiors for jobs and promotion," Holly whispered softly, but loud enough for me to hear.

I dug my nails into the wooden surface of the improvised bar and clenched my jaw in anger. I know I've done some unconventional things in my past, but I'm not a cheap slut. God, maybe accepting Dan's offer and moving to Toronto wasn't such a good idea. I instantly missed Berlin, my colleagues, my students, our house.

"Holy watershed," the other woman whispered. "Suck Dan's dick? That's a disturbing image, and it's also the stupidest rumor I've ever heard. He's gay, obvs."

I froze in my seat the second the words left the woman's mouth and my own lips went dry when the woman's identity suddenly hit me with full force. I turned around and glanced at her feet before I slowly let my eyes roam the rest of her body. She was standing a few metres away, her back turned towards me, wearing black heels, her elegant strong calves made my mouth even dryer, and a tight knee-length black skirt covered her thighs and butt. I quickly realized that I had been wrong about her being too skinny after battling a severe illness, because her hips are a bit wider than I remembered, her thighs a little fuller and her ass bigger… rounder… perfect. Her fingers are decorated with several rings in different shapes and colors, a loose burgundy top is tucked into her skirt and her famous dreads are pulled up into a neat big bun. No bob Delphine, I thought to myself, smiling. Still those beautiful dreads.

My stomach did a couple somersaults and my body was in a state of shock, frozen in its seat while it felt as if it was getting hit by a bat over and over and over again.

"Are you allright?" one of them asked, noticing my sudden distress. That must be Veronica, even her face looks bitchy.

I managed to nod firmly, never taking my eyes off the dreadlocked woman in front of me, and sucked in a breath when she slowly turned around. My eyes automatically scanned the front of her body, her hips are beautifully accentuated by her tight skirt, making her incredibly feminine. Her bosom seems to be a bit fuller than I remembered, but maybe it's because she's wearing a loose top or maybe it's the alcohol in my blood that always affects my memory, maybe it's just wishful thinking, I don't know, but I quickly figured out that I was wrong about another thing… her face. It hasn't changed one bit, no wrinkles or fine lines on her skin, and black-framed glasses still resting on the bridge of her nose. Her nose… still pierced with that nose ring. She still looks like the twenty-nine- year old woman I fell in love with all those years ago. I locked my eyes on hers and my insides turned into ice, because her eyes were full of shock and… fear? It's almost as if she were seeing a ghost. Merde, she probably thinks that I am a ghost. I must say something… anything to break the tension. I opened my mouth and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Bonsoir Cosima."


German translations:

Du bist die schönste Frau der Welt: You're the most beautiful woman in the world
Ich liebe dich: I love you