"I love you."
She says, and you pull away, lips burning. Scorching.
It is much too soon. The feelings are much too raw. The color in her eyes rubs onto your skin, seeps into your mind like stains from the lush green plants that have constantly surrounded you ever since you came to earth.
She is too real, and yet you're falling, spinning out of orbit, like in a dream.
No. She is a vision. She will disappear like everything else in your life.
Dad. Wells. Finn.
She'd lived her entire life on the ground. She's too different from you. She would never understand how the arc has always kept around the earth, constantly falling but never reaching because of the planet's curves.
She would never know why you hate falling.
"I can't. I'm...not ready."
You tell her, but you never mention how losing her would probably hurt the most.
Better stop now, before it is too late.
Her eyes are on you.
Green, green...
The color surrounds you even after you left.
"I love you."
She says, "I made the decision with my head, and not my heart."
You're pretty sure that a part of you understands. A part of you realizes you would have probably done the same.
And yet it hurts...
It hurts.
You ground yourself with the stinging you feel in your chest, your eyes.
You tell yourself you hate her.
Every day, you hate her, and hate yourself for what you have become.
You will never forgive her, because in doing so, you would have to forgive yourself, and the monster she has made of you...the things you have done.
Sometimes you think you can see red in your hands.
But green...
Green haunts you regardless.
Green envelops you in each breath. Green keeps you running.
Green tells you to go.
I love you. "I'm sorry."
She says, and offers you a choice to leave even after she has found you again.
Or did you find her? Or did Roan guide you to each other?
Your heart clenches in pain and you wish she'd die, you wish you'd die.
Instead all you do is hurt her. Your words destroy her.
You tell yourself you don't care.
All of her promises are only lies, and you hate the way you understand her, because you are a liar too. Except you're even better, and these days she looks at you with dull, lifeless green...
And you just had to wonder who that decision at the mountain had destroyed more.
Not for the first time, she rushes towards danger without fearing for her life and you realize that she honestly believes no one would care if she were to die.
"I hate you,"
You insist, even as she thanks you for coming to watch her fight.
You're not sure if you'd said the words aloud when all of a sudden Roan guides you to her again-
because your heart drops when his weapon nearly takes her from you.
The crowd roars when she wins, and her eyes darken to black.
You should have probably taken it as an omen.
"That's why I..." love you.
She says, but you stop her from saying anything else because you know and she knows you will never reply.
What could have been and what should have been between the two of you will never happen because you will never let yourself make the same mistake.
Green is back and green is alive with desire and passion. Yet her dress is black and it bothers you somehow.
When you kiss her, push her back, she falls...
But you keep yourself from falling with her. She brings you higher, higher, and you swallow her attempts at promising you anything more meaningful.
Desires of the flesh are all that could be between the two of you.
And she gets it, you think...
Because even as you no longer tell her you hate her, those darkened lines of pain still streaks within her eyes.
You do not swear fealty to her the same way she does to you.
You will always belong to your people. You are only with her for the well-being of your people.
She gets it, and stops trying to tell you I love you
She doesn't say anything, actually, before you leave.
I love you. "We don't have to say anything at all."
So she doesn't.
You'd promised yourself to stop falling, but the world comes crashing down as green turns to black and the gunshot echoes in your ears.
Green turns to black
and black
and black
and black
and...there's too much on your hands, not enough in her veins.
She gets it, doesn't tell you I love you how much she cares, yet it permeates through every word in every sentence, in every utterance of your name.I love you
She's worried about you. She loves you
She'd already done everything she could to take care of you and your people, even when she's no longer there. She loves you
You should not be afraid. She loves you
She says too much without saying it at all, and when she takes her last breath you realize that the last thoughts in her mind are of you and only you.
She'd chosen you over her people.
She'd chosen you, and she didn't get it, and damn it all this time you'd never let her know you love her
Then green is gone and black beckons red.
More people die than ever before. Without her the city burns, burns, burns...
You are not falling, but the world itself comes crashing down.
You hold the last part of her, a chip in your hands, realizing that you never told her I love you
And she died thinking no one does.
Has anyone ever told her that at all?
Had Costia?
Amidst the chaos, your heart is silent.
You are very alone.
Suddenly you realize, she had chosen you over her people.
You never chose her over yours.
Because you were so stubborn. Because you were such a liar. Because you let her die thinking you never loved her.
And there you are, fighting still, sacrificing her still, for your people.
You enter the city of light not daring to hope that you would see her again.
You enter the city of light and she saves you again, so before you see her for the last time you pull her back and catch the last glimpse of green.
"I love you,"
You say.
But she doesn't return it because she died never knowing it at all, and the her that exists in the chip is merely an imitation.
A Lexa who doesn't understand that you love her because the real one never received it.
You let the green fade, once again, and you wake up when the world fades to grey.
You pray that you will meet her again, and next time...she would know you loved her from the beginning.
The universe doesn't disappoint.
You meet her again...
Much earlier in your life this time.
Now if only sixteen year old Lexa can take eleven year old you seriously.
