Pam Beesly Howard sat up in a narrow hospital bed on the 7th floor and stared blankly out the large glass window that out looked the skyline of Manhattan. It was just before dusk and the skyscrapers that covered the large city were just starting to light up and sparkle against the red blue velvet sky. Feeling utterly ashamed, Pam stared down at her hands and fixed her eyes on her sparking diamond wedding ring. Bought at Tiffany's, and paid by Ryan's nice commission he brought in shortly before the wedding after the website was first put up. Feeling terrible, all Pam wanted to do was to crawl underneath the sheets and disappear. She wished more then anything her mother was here.

Just then a light knock came at the door. Pam's blank eyes shifted to the side before the door slowly opened. There Ryan stepped in wearing his two-thousand dollar black suit with the wine red silk shirt that was slightly opened up at the collar. Pam remembered that two months ago she had gone shopping with him and picked it out with him herself. Seeing him stand there, his 5'o clock shadow filling in even darker, she saw right away the utter heartbreak and concern in his exhausted looking eyes.

She couldn't even say anything, in fact she couldn't even look at him.

Dropping her eyes, she slowly began to bunch up the hem of the sheets with her hands. She was nervous and didn't think she could take another second of this.

"Pam?"

His voice sounded dry and strained.

Pam lifted her eyes and watched as he slowly walked over, he seemed so adult just then. His eyes staring down at her, hardly any emotion other then pity showing. Gulping, Pam sat there before Ryan came over and gently touched the side of her face with his hand.

That's when she broke down.

"Shhhh, it's all right."

Ryan sat down on the edge of the hospital bed and gathered her up in his arms. Smelling his strong cologne, a scent Pam had now directed as comfort whenever she smelled it, buried her face deep in his shirt and let everything go. Sobbing, she just wanted to wake up. Hitching her chest in and out, warm tears gushed out of her eyes as she clutched onto her husband and every single second of grief and heartbreak all came out. Ryan meanwhile held her tight, as tight as he could. His arms were firmly around her, gently stroking the back of her beautiful red hair.

Pam had another miscarriage.

The two had been trying for nearly a year now.

At first it was Pam who wanted a baby. Now living in New York, both of their life's had changed since Ryan got promoted. At first Pam was uneasy about such a change, but seeing really no future in Scranton. By then Ryan and her were engaged and so much in her life had changed. Knowing she loved him and would follow him anywhere, she took a chance and decided to go with him. At first it took a while to settle in. Pam felt lonely, and homesick, but within time after adjusting to the city and their beautiful wedding that first autumn, she knew this is where she belonged…with him.

After the wedding things began to settle down. Ryan was working all the time, and Pam had just begun taking art classes. It wasn't until one night she brought up the topic of children while sitting up in bed with Ryan. Reading an art gallery book, she wore her glasses and had her hair tied up in a messy ponytail. Ryan meanwhile sat beside her with his laptop checking yesterday's reports. Sitting in their new apartment, which they had just moved into less then a month ago from their one bedroom place they were renting, Pam lazily smiled before mentioning how adorable their kids would be. Raising an eyebrow, Ryan looked over.

That's when they began talking about it.

At first Ryan made plenty of good points. They had really just moved here and between work and settling down after the wedding he didn't want to rush into things. Gathering her up in his arms after he put his laptop away, he began kissing her up and down the neck telling her he wanted some time just for the two of them anyways. Smiling, Pam agreed, yet the thought of having a baby never left her mind.

Months past and Ryan's career really started to look up. Things were going great and Pam was finally beginning to like the city and what it had to offer. Just a month before hand she was able to show a few sketches she had drawn in a showing downtown. Ryan of course invited all of his new work friends and gushed over how talented his wife was.

Taking more classes, Pam found herself smiling whenever she watched mother go by pushing their strollers in Central Park. Taking to her mother every Sunday over the phone, she told her about the feelings she had been having lately and her mother informed her it was perfect normal. She told Pam it was just her natural instincts kicking in. She had just turned thirty and now happily married she wanted to be a mother. Pam tried to push these feelings aside and listen to Ryan, yet she couldn't help but slow down whenever she was shopping and happened to pass a window featuring nursery items. Feeling her heart swell, Pam really knew she couldn't wait to start having kids.

But Ryan and her enjoyed that year together. They went to plenty of company parties and even visited Scranton a few times. Once Pam went along with him for a routine check up at the old branch, and she couldn't believe how much things had stayed the same. Michael of course welcomed them with a huge hug, and Jim awkwardly said hello before burying his head down with his work.

They took a few trips to update New York, and even went to a few clubs. Even though it wasn't Pam's scene, she still enjoyed dancing with Ryan and laughing at how completely different he acted on the dance floor and how much emery he had. Both went shopping and stopped at deli's and gallery's on Sundays, and nearly every night after Ryan came home from the gym they would make love for hours. That was one thing many didn't know about Ryan, he was beyond romantic when he wanted to be, and amazing in bed.

Finally one evening, while the two sipped wine and watched CNN, Ryan glanced over on their leather sofa across at his wife who was silently sketching in her notepad.

"Okay, let's have a baby."

Pam's head shot up like a bullet, she couldn't believe what he just said.

"Really?"

Ryan smiled.

"Really."

Throwing the notepad to the side, Pam nearly attacked Ryan on the sofa, covering him with kisses and thanking him. All Ryan could do was lay back and laugh.

At first they thought it would be easy, just have a ton of sex. Pam went off the pill and every night they would go at it for hours. It was all fun, and both enjoyed it, thinking it would be easy…yet no baby came.

They kept trying that way before Pam casually mentioned going to the doctor's. Going, she told him that she was indeed trying to get pregnant with her husband . The doctor gave her advice, and vitamin, and wished her the best of luck.

Yet still, no baby.

Finally Ryan decided to go with her on her second doctor's visit. Taking the afternoon off from work, Pam couldn't help but notice how nervous he was acting. Sitting in the waiting room, she saw his hands were slightly shaking. Once inside the doctor yet again mentioned a few things that would help them and even said he would run tests if Pam wasn't pregnant by the end of the new year. So for months they tried different positions, whenever she was ovulating Ryan would get a text and always as embarrassed as he was excuse himself from work, hurrying back to the apartment. Both would try all the different things they looked up in the books and internet…yet still no baby.

Finally they went to the doctor's and got tests done. In the end the doctor said both Ryan and Pam were perfectly healthy and everything seemed fine…expect that Ryan had a slightly lower sperm count. That night Ryan truly broke down for the first time in front of her. Laying in bed, she heard him crying. Gently touching his bare shoulder, she suddenly felt afraid.

"Ryan?"

"It's my fault."

"What?"

"You not getting pregnant, It's me. I just can't do it."

"Don't be stupid Ryan, the doctor said it was perfect normal. There are ways to bring it back up…it will happen, it just takes time."

"Did you know David Wallace's wife is pregnant again."

Pam just laid there as her heart sank a little.

"Oh…"

She softly said.

"Yeah…again."

Both didn't say anything for a while before Pam snuggled in closer, wrapping her arms around her husband and kissing his back.

"We'll have a baby, Ryan…don't worry."

So Pam began drinking herbal teas and mixes. Ryan who had started smoking about a year ago to calm his nerves quit completely. After making love Pam would lay completely flat on her back for at least an hour while Ryan nervously watched her and always excused himself to look over some papers in his office. Both quit drinking coffee, and began eating better. Taking her temperature every day, Pam would constantly looking up different ways to make it easier on the two of them. She knew how badly they wanted this, since after almost seven months into it she sat down with Ryan and honestly asked him if he really wanted a baby. That's when he stared at her with those intense eyes and told her he wanted this more then anything now.

So they kept trying.

Pam got pregnant the first time after nearly seven months of trying non-stop. Pam remembered staring at the pregnancy test in disbelief and how she had suspired Ryan when he walked through the door that evening. Both hadn't been so happy since their wedding day.

But a week later Pam lost it.

It was though for the two of them, but the doctor tried to keep their hopes up. He told them it was a good sign. If they got pregnant once, they could do it again. Pushing forward, they kept trying.

By then Pam had stopped taking her art classes, which her mother frowned upon. She worried these two kids were working themselves too hard on this, and if anything happened again she really didn't know if they could take it.

Pam got pregnant a month later again.

This time she lost in nearly a month into it. Ryan was woken one night by screams in the bathroom. Pam stood there with blood dripping on the white tile floor and crying. After visiting the ER that night, the doctor said things like that sometimes happened.

Pam sensed Ryan was getting depressed.

But then Pam got pregnant again. This time…it somehow felt right. Holding the plastic test, Pam couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. Going into Ryan's office, she set the test down and waited for his reaction. Right away his big blue eyes drifted up at her as she smiled down at him.

"It's positive."

Ryan looked uneasy as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Pam…these tests aren't always right."

"That's why I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow to confirm it."

Ryan stared at her with worried eyes before slowly smiling.

"Well, that's great."

Pam looked down at him, knowing he was so worried and terrified something might happen he couldn't even be excited. A week later both finally let reality set in…they were having a baby. Ryan was extremely careful with Pam and begged her to stay off her feet. The thought of spending nearly nine months on bed rest didn't exactly thrill Pam, but knowing this might be the only way to finally have a baby she agreed.

Ryan also made her promise not to tell anyone. The first pregnancy both were so excited they nearly told everyone they knew within just a few days. Since the miscarriage both couldn't take the pity glances and stares they received by nearly everyone. The thing that got Ryan the most was that the news of the miscarriage got back to Scranton.

The only people that knew about the baby were Ryan's mother and Pam's parents. Both decided to wait until everything was in the clear before they broke the news.

Things seemed to really be going great, the first month past and Pam began getting morning sickness. The doctor checked her out again and everything seemed perfectly normal. It wasn't until this morning that Ryan got up nearly at five to attend a business meeting uptown. Before leaving he gently brushed back Pam's hair from her sleeping face and kissed her. He wasn't gone more then a few hours when he received a call from one of their neighbors in the apartment building. It seemed that Pam had woken up around eight to have breakfast when she started getting cramps. When she started bleeding she nearly collapsed in the kitchen before calling an ambulance. The second he got the call he raced out of the meeting, in total panic he flagged a cab.

Shaking all over he told the cabbie to get to the hospital as fast as he could. Once arriving, Ryan threw him a hundred dollar bill without looking and ran into the lobby. Nearly running into a nurse he asked where Pam Howard was being held. That's when the doctor came out shaking his head.

She had lost the baby.

Ryan felt numb all over and excused himself to the bathroom.

Now holding her in his arms as she cried, Ryan sat there feeling completely helpless. The doctor's said Pam was perfectly fine and they didn't understand why she had been having so much trouble. Ryan knew Pam wanted this baby more then anything, and thinking about her laying on their kitchen floor all alone in a puddle of blood broke his heart.

Kissing the top of her head, Ryan promised her all the same things he had been promising since they first fell in love. But the truth was…he was terrified.

An hour later after she was sedated, Ryan went back into the men's room and leaned up against the cool metal of the stalls. His hands shaking, he decided to wait to call Pam's parents. Right now he needed to forget. Reaching into his wallet, he took the small baggy out and began to make lines.