A very old fic I wrote a long time ago hence the rough writing.

I don't own Narnia; It belongs to C. S. Lewis.


"Can't you see the wrong in your way, Su?"

Susan glared at Peter. "No, I'm not since there is no wrong in my way."

"But how can you say that Narnia is just make-believe? You were once the gentle queen there?" Lucy said softly.

Yes, Susan was once the gentle queen of Narnia when her siblings were the magnificent, the just and the valiant. What does the title gentle, good for; in comparison to theirs?

"Because it was make-believe, though it was fun at the time."

"Su…" came Edmund's plead.

Susan turned and braced herself. It would be so much harder to convince Edmund; he knows Susan all too well.

"What is it?"

"Isn't it hurt you?"

"What is?"

"Playing pretend." Susan winced inwardly.

"It is. That is why I stop."

With that, Susan walked out the house as fast as she can manage before the tears fall and slammed the front door shut.

Susan rode the first bus that she sees; she didn't even read the destination, just wanted to go away as far as the money in her skirt pocket would allow her. Susan stopped at the tenth bus stop, looked around and headed toward an old swing in the middle of the deserted children's playground not too far away.

She swung herself up, felt rather silly upon her behavior toward her siblings.

How disbelieve clouded Peter's eyes, how Lucy's lips trembled with tears and how Edmund's face fell as Susan answered his question.

Narnia.

It was not a make-believe thing. It wasn't. It never was. Susan really was a queen there, before the great Lion told her that she was too old for it. That was how pathetic Susan felt she has become, thrown away from her kingdom because she was too old.

Susan reigned there for more than ten years since she was twelve. But then when she came back as thirteen; she was too old?!

"Silly," tears fell freely on Susan's rosy cheeks, and before she knew it, she slumped down on the cold and dirty ground with uncontrollable sobs shaking her entire being.

It was okay for the first two years after her second journey to Narnia; she can accept that she wouldn't come back to Narnia ever again. Even though it hurt, Susan tried her best to understand the reason and searched this world she allowed to live in, for His other form. Heavens know she had tried.

She even retold the stories of Narnia with the others whom ever experienced Narnia; her siblings, professor Kirke, Aunt Polly, Eustace and Jill, but then the stories about battles came too often until Susan couldn't bear it any longer.

While her sibling retold their fights; Susan was left alone to relive the memories of agony and restless mind as she ran the kingdom alone like nothing happened, but couldn't have a blink of sleep, worrying about her siblings and the army's well-being all night long.

How she had mastered at controlling her emotions and arranging her face to remain carefully blank and stoic, keeping the tears at bay to keep her subjects calm and composed while she hid her loss of sleep, appetite and weight, since all the food she ate would come back up at some point, from them. How she prayed and prayed for her siblings and the army's safety, until all she could hear all day and nights were her own chanting.

Susan hated fights; therefore she seldom rode to war. She used to think why they had to solve the dispute with battle? Why couldn't they solve it with negotiation? Why fight if you can talk? Her sibling often called her the wet blanket whenever she voiced her objection of the battle.

That was why Susan was useless in all of it. She refused to March off to battleground if she could think a way or two to avoid it.

Susan even loathsome some of it, since she was the mere reason the battle happened; her mere existence. Oh… How she wishes she had ugly face and physical appearance every time it happened. How she used to curse herself for jeopardized Narnia's peacefulness.

Susan was the gentle one in her family. For some people, in other word the useless one, the vulnerable one. The one needed to protect, when in fact actually she was not.

Susan did hate fighting, but she wasn't the damsel in distress. She was once the marksman Queen; no one could beat her skill in archery. She didn't need Peter, Edmund or for heaven's sake Lucy; to protect her.

Therefore, she hated it when Peter offered to take the grocery bags from her; she hated it when Edmund stand by her school gate to escort her home every time holiday approached and Susan hated it when Lucy stand between her and Claire Storming last semester when she called her doormat.

Couldn't they see that Susan was more than capable to protect and stand her ground? True, she did prefer not to, but that didn't mean she couldn't do it.

Sometimes Susan wondered if she was the reason for Him to forbid her siblings and her to visit Narnia. Susan had caused too much blood spilled over nothing already and if she would grow up once again as the queen she once was, more blood will spill over nothing once again.

'Poor Peter, Edmund and Lucy, having her as a sister; they could do so much better than being forbidden from visit Narnia to spare her,' Susan though bitterly.

"Where do you hurt?"

Susan raised her face and found herself staring into a set of big innocent brown eyes. "Pardon?"

"Where do you hurt?

"I'm not…"

"Oh… I forgot!" The brown-eyed little girl clapped her hands. "My name is Mallory Greenfolks. There… I have told you my name; I'm no longer a stranger. You can talk to me now. What is your name?"

"Susan. Susan Pevensie."

"Hello there Susan, it's nice to meet you." Mallory smiled. "So… Where do you hurt?"

Susan blinked and wiped her tears. "I'm not."

"Then why are you crying? Did you fall from the swing?"

"No, I'm not," Susan said and picked herself up from the ground.

Mallory held her gaze at Susan for a long moment, shook her head, took Susan's hand and motioned her to sit on the swing.

"I know where you hurt," she smiled and walked around to push Susan's swing up. "It's your heart, isn't it? Are you feeling lonely? It's okay, I'm lonely too."

"Why are you feeling lonely?" Susan frowned, concerned. The Gentle Queen indeed.

"It's just that… everyone think I am weird, but I couldn't care less. I'm being my true self after all," She waved her hands dismissively. "What about you?"

Susan considered her answer. "I think... no. I believe that someone who is precious to me, thinking that I am useless."

"How come?"

"I've made a lot of mistakes and… And He banned me from his land," Susan stopped the swing. "Here, let me push you up."

"Thanks," Mallory smiled, occupied the swing. "Do you think he banned you because he was mad at you?"

"I think so."

"Do you mad at him?"

Susan stopped pushing Mallory and whispered. "Yes, I guess I am."

"Do you hate him?"

Tears suddenly sprang to Susan's blue eyes. "I… I don't… I don't know. I guess I am, but I don't… I don't have any right to be mad at him. I was the one with mistakes. I guess I can understand why he banned me, but it hurts. It hurts more and more until I can't stand it and in the end, I start to get angry at everybody who mentions his name, his land. I get so mad… So mad at him…"

Mallory led Susan toward a bench. "He is matter so much to you, isn't he?"

"Yes. Yes, he is," Susan was sobbing now. "I love him, but I also hate him. I want to meet him, but he banned me and instead told me to search for another form of him here."

"I don't understand."

"Me neither."

"Well… If he asked you to search for other form of him, then don't you think that he wants you to reach out for him? Not the other way around," Mallory frowned slightly. "Maybe he banned you from his land because he wants you to find and love him in your own home or land; whatever it is, your own special place, your own choice."

Susan frowned. "You… You think so?"

"I'm not sure either, but it sounds right, don't you think so? Because if he really hates you or… Or doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore, surely he can just tell you to back off, right?"

"Yeah… I guess so. It would be… Would be easier for both of us and… And I can just hate him, can't I?"

Mallory nodded.

"So… are you saying that he banned me… because he wants me to be the one that miss and search him, not the other way around?"

"It makes sense. I mean, perhaps… He is the type of person who will miss you to death, but won't do anything about it because he doesn't want to seem like the desperate one or perhaps he just tired being in love with you when you aren't. Perhaps he couldn't fall out of love with you, he decides to wait for you to fall in love with him. Or are you already?"

"I did… I do, but I forgot about him once before. I couldn't see him when the others can, I suppose he hurt deeply by it," tears rose to Susan eyes once again. "Oh… what have I done?"

Mallory enveloped her in an embrace. "Shh…. It's okay. You figured it out now, it's time to set all things right."

Susan took comfort of her tight embrace for a long time, before she released herself from the embrace and took on Mallory appearance. She has a big and bright brown eyes, shoulder length red curls, white complexion with some freckles along her nose bridge and cheeks. Judged by her small frame, she mustn't older than seven years old.

"Who are you?" Susan asked.

"I told you, my name is Mallory Greenfolks," Mallory frowned, clearly confused.

Susan chuckled slightly, wiped her tears stained cheeks. "No, I mean. Who are you really?"

"I don't understand."

"How old are you? Where do you live? Where are your parents or siblings? Susan smiled. "And… why are you so wise yet so young?"

"I am six, will be seven next winter. I live in the orphanage a few blocks from here, therefore I don't have any parents or siblings," Suddenly Mallory grinned widely. "You are the very first person who ever think that I'm wise, the others think I'm a cheeky brat."

Susan smiled kindly at her. "Thank you, Mallory Greenfolks the Wise. You saved me; a sad and confuse lowly traveler. I forever will be in debt to you, Milady."

Mallory giggled. "I like the way you talk, it feels like we are on the play stage. So… my title will be The Wise, huh?"

"Yes, milady."

"What about you? What's your title would be?"

"I don't know, milady should tell me."

"Susan the Charming?" Mallory mused.

"I don't think that would work, milady. In my state, I'm not charming at all."

"But you are so very charming, Susan! So very breathtakingly beautiful, I thought that you were an angel," Mallory frowned as Susan tensed. "But since you don't like the title, then I should call you Lady Susan the Humble."

"The Humble?" Susan tasted it. "I guess I like the title, thank you so much lady Mallory the Wise."

"You are welcome, milady."

"May ask you a question, milady?"

"Sure."

"May I know where we are?"

"We are in the lovely land of High Barnet, milady."

"Oh… my, I have traveled so far," Susan exclaimed.

"Have you? Where do you come from, Lady Susan?"

"Finchley, I took the bus without took notice of the destination," Susan glanced at her tiny watch, a birthday present from her siblings for her fifteen birthday last autumn. "And look at the time; I must hurry if I want to be home before dinner."

Mallory face fell. "So you really aren't from around here. I never saw you before; I thought you just move in."

Susan noticed the sadness in her voice. "Yes, I'm not from around here, milady. But do you mind if I ask you to be my dearest friend? Will you refuse me a right to come visit milady again some other time soon?"

"No! Of course not," Mallory exclaimed, brighten at once. "Oh… please do be my dearest friend and come visit me as often as you can afford, milady."

"Milady is so kind, I'm flattered," Susan smiled. "Then do me the honor to escort milady home so I can visit milady's castle once I can afford to visit the land of High Barnet once again."

So Susan walked Mallory home, hugged, kissed and pinky promised her that she would definitely visit her again soon. As Susan rode the bus back to Finchley, she couldn't forget how Mallory's brown eyes shone with excitement when Susan explained to her that she need a paper and pencil to write her orphanage's address so Susan can send her a letter every now and then, until Susan could afford to visit her.

Susan made a vow that she would not disappoint Mallory; she would make sure to come back. Mallory helped her back to her feet, restored her faith over herself and Aslan. Heaven forbid what would happen if Susan didn't meet her.

As Susan made her way toward the Pevensie household with two big grocery bags for the special dinner, she would prepare tonight, Susan saw her sibling in the sitting room from the large facing the lawn window.

Peter sat too straight in their father's armchair with Lucy sit restless on one of the arms while Edmund paced in front of them. They worried about her and stupidly it made tears spring into Susan eyes, but at the same time warmed her from head to toes.

With a smile, Susan made another vow to herself. Narnia was gone, Susan was no longer a queen and so she would lock Narnia and her memories of it away deep inside her heart and used all the experiences from being a queen in Narnia to be the best Susan Pevensie that England would ever have.

Susan would use what she thought as her weakness in Narnia as her greatest weapon to conquered London; Susan decided she would use her beauty to stand her ground and heaven forbid Susan to give up on searching for another form of Aslan here.

Because Susan would see Aslan again one day and he would love her as much as Susan always loved him, in her own special land. Here in England. And when the time has come, Susan would introduce him to Lady Mallory the Wise; her little savior.

With that vow planted firmly in her mind, Susan walked confidently toward the front door, opened and closed it loudly before stroke toward the kitchen, shouted loudly. "Who want a chicken casserole for dinner?"