X-Men:
Cyclops and Wolverine get High
Chapter 1

Author's Note:
This is mainly based off of the X-Men cartoon that aired in the mid nineties on Fox.


It was a typical day at the Xavier School for Retarded Mutants. Morph was in the living room watching TV and smoking weed as usual. Just then Professor Xavier walked in... wait a minute. Xavier was walking?

Morph turned around and looked in surprise as Xavier made his way over to the couch. Something was weird however, he was walking but his legs were moving like crazy puppet legs.

"What the hell..." exclaimed Morph but suddenly he realized what was going on. "Goddamn Professor, stop using your telekinesis to move your legs like that, its just freaky."

Professor Xavier looked kind of sad. "I was hopping you would think that a miracle had happened and I was healed."

"Nice try baldy but you can't fool me." said Morph, taking a puff on his joint.

Xavier "walked" over to the couch and plopped down next to Morph. He telekineticly kicked his legs up onto the table but they were in a strange position. He repositioned them again but still it wasn't right.

Morph just rolled his eyes as Xavier's legs were flopping all over the table in an attempt to cross them properly. Finally he got it right.

"So, what you watching Morph?" asked Xavier looking over at the TV to see a hot porno movie going on.

"The usual." said Morph.

It wasn't long until there was a huge bulge in Xavier's pants.

"Hey Morph..." said Xavier giving him a sly look.

"No! I am not shape shifting into a woman so you can screw me again!" shouted Morph.

"Aww come on. You had just as much fun as me last time." said Xavier trying to be persuasive.

"Fuck you I'm not doing it." said Morph harshly.

"Don't make me use my telepathy to force you to do it..." said Xavier threateningly.

Just then Beast walked up behind them.

"And what are you gentlemen doing this fine afternoon?" asked Beast cordially.

"Oh great, someone let the monkey out of its cage..." said Morph sarcastically.

"Now Morph thats not very nice." said Beast rubbing his head playfully.

"Don't touch me you ape face bastard!" shouted Morph.

"Fine then you stupid fucking asshole!" shouted Beast getting mad. His anger didn't last long however. "Well I'm going to get some crumpets and tea. I'll be back later."

As Beast was walking off an explosive fart slipped out of his ass. The entire mansion was shook by the force of it. Morph and Xavier were pretty much at ground zero and took the full force of the rancid blast. They were both thrown forward at the speed of sound, Morph's head was impaled into the TV screen, killing him instantly. Xavier was thrown out the window, flying straight past Cyclops who was pissing on the side of the mansion. Xavier hit the ground head first, his neck snapping and ending his life.

"Holy fucking shit what the fuck?" exclaimed Cyclops getting so excited he lost his aim and pissed on himself. "What the hell oh fuck yeah fucking shit yeah I'm the leader of the fucking X-Men now!" he shouted in excitement.


The next day the funeral for Xavier was held. Morph didn't get the benefit of a funeral because he was an asshole and Xavier was the only one who liked him anyway. All the X-Men were gathered out side the mansion in the woods outback where the X-Men's graveyard was. Beast wasn't present though, because he was now on the X-Men's most wanted list as an outlaw. Cyclops was leading the funeral service by saying a few words.

"Oh my fuck shit yeah this guy died and now I'm your fucking leader now!" said Cyclops with as much emotion as he could muster. "Someone throw this guy's goddamn bastard corpse into the fucking hole thats right here."

Rouge tossed Xavier's rotting corpse into the hole.

"So does anyone have to take a shit? No use in a perfectly good hole going to waste after all." said Wolverine.

Several of the X-men took a dump in the hole then they covered it up with shovels. Just then however, Beast decided to poke his head out of the bushes to look around.

"Oh my god its Beast!" shouted Jubilee in horror.

"X-Men attack!" shouted Cyclops.

"Oh shit." said Beast.

Cyclops fired a ton of optic blasts at the bush while Storm shot some lighting at it. All the X-Men used their powers on the bush, hitting it with everything they had. After about five minutes they stopped, sure that Beast couldn't have survived such and onslaught. After that they all left Xavier's grave and went back to the mansion.

Back at the mansion Wolverine and Cyclops were ransacking Xavier's office, looking for something.

"Oh shit yeah fucking yeah!" shouted Cyclops. "I just found Xavier's porn collection! This is some good shit!"

"Shut up dumbass and keep looking!" shouted Wolverine digging through Xavier's desk, tossing aside tons of condoms.

Suddenly Wolverine found it, Xavier's drug dealer's phone number!

"Hell yeah, now we can enact our plan." said Wolverine with a smug grin.

"What plan?" said Cyclops.

Wolverine punched Cyclops in the stomach. "You dumb fuck, we're going to contact this drug dealer and meet up with him."

"Fucking yeah, we will get tons of weed!" shouted Cyclops excitedly.

"No moron, we are going to capture the guy and torture him until he tells us how to grow weed ourselves." said Wolverine. "Then not only will we have as much weed as we want but we can sell it too and get rich."

"Wow, you sure are smart Wolverine." said Cyclops in awe.

"Damn straight I am bub." said Wolverine. He then picked up the phone and dialed the number.


Upstairs in the mansion Rogue and Gambit were getting it on in Jubilee's bed when suddenly the phone rang.

"Goddamn shit." cursed Gambit picking up the phone. "What he hell do you want?" he shouted.

"Hey bub, I wanna buy some drugs." said Wolverine.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" said Gambit getting more pissed.

"You are a fucking drug dealer aren't you? I want to buy some goddamn drugs from you!" shouted Wolverine.

"Uh well, ok." said Gambit, not understanding what the hell was going on.

"Good, meet me at the corner of 5th Avenue tomorrow at noon." said Wolverine, he then hung up the phone.

"How did it go?" asked Cyclops.

"Everything is going according to plan." said Wolverine. "That damn drug dealer had a stupid Cajun accent like Gambit heh."

"Hah what a dumbass!" said Cyclops.


Meanwhile upstairs...

"What was that all about?" asked Rogue.

"That fucktard Wolverine thinks I'm a drug dealer." said Gambit, then suddenly he thought of something. "Wait a minute, if Jubilee's phone rang then it must mean that she is the drug dealer!"

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Rogue in shock.

Gambit leaped out of bed and searched the room, finally finding Jubilee's huge weed stash inside a over sized My Little Pony doll.

"I've got a plan..." said Gambit with an evil look in his eyes.


That night Cyclops lay in bed with Jean. He couldn't sleep, he was too excited about all the weed he was going to get tomorrow. He giggled like a little school girl then fell asleep. A few minutes later however the door to his room silently opened and a large shadowy figure snuck in. Suddenly there was a little pooting sound.

Jean's eyes snapped open and she looked up, startled.

"Oh my god its Beast!" she screamed in terror, finding the furry mutant standing right over her side of the bed.

Cyclops woke up immediately, nearly freaking out.

"Oh shit!" thought Beast and he turned and ran. However he got so scared he let another fart slip.

The fart's power was insane, blowing the entire bed over and smashing it into the wall. Jean was crushed instantly and died. Cyclops used an optic blast to shoot the bed in half and began chasing after Beast even though he was buck naked. He chased Beast down the hall and several other X-Men saw him and began chasing Beast too.

"Don't let him get away!" shouted Cyclops but Beast was fucking fast.

Beast made it out of the mansion and into the woods where he finally lost the X-Men in the dense plant life. Cyclops was mad as hell, the sticker bushes had torn up his private parts pretty bad. Him and the other X-Men then made their way back to the mansion.

To Be Continued