It's funny you know. You tell yourself that you have plenty of time to come out with your feelings. That somehow everything will turn out okay in the end. Even though I was lying to myself I didn't want to admit it. But now I am sitting in my lab feeling empty and there is nothing nobody can do about it.
It wasn't supposed to happen that way. Janet was never supposed to be there. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I don't want to believe that Janet Frasier is dead. Her life was stolen by a damn Jaffa who didn't think twice. No matter what anybody tells me her death will never be justified. The only thing that makes this living hell more bearable is the thought that Janet died doing what she loved, her job.
Almost every time I saw her I wanted to come clean with my true feelings, but kept telling myself that there is always time. I of all people should know that is a bunch of bullshit. Every time we go through the stargate there is a good chance we will never come back. I accepted this for myself but I never thought that Janet would be the one to lose her life in battle.
All I can think about is the lost time. All the time that could have been spent making happy memories is now all shot to the wind. I am supposed to be the great Samantha Carter. I can save the world countless times yet I couldn't even tell Janet my true feelings. I was so scared that she would have been disgusted by me. I was even more scared about losing my job and being dishonorably discharged from the Air Force. Now that I look back at it I find that incredibly stupid and selfish. True love only comes by once in a lifetime and I lost my chance because I was too scared of a bunch of bigots telling me it was wrong.
I keep telling myself that I could have stopped it somehow. That we could be together and live happily ever after without scrutiny from the government. She was never meant to die! Damn why does it have to be like this? That is the question that plays itself in my head. Teal'c tells me that there is no escaping fate. That you can run and hide but it will eventually grab you in its vice and never let go. That is bullshit to me. I WILL find a way to get her back if it's the last thing I do.
