Title: This Love, This Hate
Part 1: It Begins
By: Ceris Malfoy
Summary: It was a sick cycle of love and hate, one they both wanted to be free of, but one they refused to give up.
Inspiration: Eminem's "Love the Way You Lie". This song practically screamer Megatron/Starscream to me, and I had to write it. Beware, this is not a happy story.
Warnings: (for the whole fic) Non-con, abuse, character death (as it appears in canon!), foul language, semi-explicit sticky, slash
Continuity: AU G1, starts pre-war
Status: Part 1 of 5
"And it's killing me when you walk away.
And I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
And I'm so confused, so hard to choose
between the pleasure and the pain.
And I know it's wrong and I know it's right.
Even if I tried to win the fight,
my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away."
- Apocalypica, "Not Strong Enough"
Starscream glanced around their quarters intently, checking to ensure that he had gotten everything. He gazed sadly at the small reminders of happier times: dents from where he had been shoved against the wall and 'faced silly, the now-bare wall that had once proudly displayed vid-files of their bonding ceremony, the burn mark on the floor from where Megatron had surprised him and he had fired his Null Rays…. The room now looked barely lived in, devoid of personality and presence, as it had before he had moved in.
A bitter smile crossed his dace as he carefully avoided looking at Megatron, who was sitting on their birth, watching him fixedly. Starscream could feel his lover's gaze like a branding on his wings. He said nothing to his lord, merely limped slowly but steadily towards the door. The arena medics were definitely not the best in the business, but they had been more than sufficient enough in their craft to get him back to some semblance of working order – and considering the severity of his wounds, that was no small feat.
"I'm sorry."
Starscream froze. He said nothing, merely remained standing in front of the entrance to their quarters. The quarters that, for the first time in a vorn, he would no longer be sleeping in. Thundercracker and Skywarp had spent the entirety of the last cycle moving his things into their quarters. He would have helped, if only to avoid this confrontation, but the severity of the damage to his spinal strut had left him unable to lift anything heavier than an energon cube.
He clenched his servos. He still didn't know what he had done – one moment things had been fine, better than fine, and the next thing he knew, Megatron was beating him.
He knew Megatron loved him. Megatron loved him with an intensity that made his spark temporarily stop pulsing. He knew that love wasn't faked – one couldn't fake anything over a bond such as theirs – and he loved Megatron just as deeply; needed him even more. Megaton was the only being he had left who even remotely cared about him; his creators had long ago disowned him, Skyfire was…well, Skyfire wasn't there, was he?, and not even his brothers really cared anymore. They had made absolutely clear to him that they were only housing him until he had recovered, and then he would have to find his own way.
"Please," came the soft, hesitant entreaty, and he couldn't help glancing over at his lord and lover. Megatron was still sitting on their birth, black servos clenching the edges hard enough to dent, tension causing his frame to tremble. Starscream could see just how hard Megatron was restraining himself from getting up and forcing Starscream to stay – in his current condition, there was no way he would have been able to fend off Megatron, and they both knew it. "Please, don't leave me."
Starscream turned fully, careful in his movements. He still said nothing, merely stared at Megatron.
It had taken precisely one vorn of unresolved sexual tension between the two of them interfering in their arena battles before the two of them finally started interfacing whenever the mood took them; it had taken nearly twice that before the two of them had managed to admit to each other that they both wanted more than just random interfacing; it had taken only two short years for them to make the decision to bond. It had been one of the best decisions either of them had ever made – they were both more efficient and more vicious in battle, their processors were finally capable of coordinating, and what few arguments they had could be settled quickly and quietly without any other mech knowing – which did wonders for moral amongst their burgeoning army.
But while Megatron's fierce love for him even now sunk into his very being, he also knew that Megatron was coming to hate him as well. Starscream didn't know why, didn't understand it, but there it was all the same. Megatron probably hadn't even been aware of the growing hatred until the mech had finally snapped and beat him within an inch of his life. He needed to leave before that hatred had a chance to grow any stronger; he needed to leave before that hate infected his own spark and was returned ten-fold. But….
He watched Megatron, noting the sorrowful optics, the slumped shoulders, and the tense frame. No one had ever loved him as deeply as Megatron did and no one ever would. How could he just walk away from this? One bad incident, one colossal mistake… surely they could work around this?
Starscream finally spoke. "Never again," he said quietly, knowing his lover would understand the ultimatum.
Megatron nodded, hope and relief brightening his optics. "Never again," he swore.
Starscream finally gave into the need pounding through his very being, and settled himself gently on his lord's lap. He sighed as Megatron's arms ever-so-carefully settled around him, mindful of the seriousness of his injuries. His lord's voice whispered quiet words in his audios; words of how he was sorry, how he would never do it again, how things between them would only get better.
Through their bond, he could feel that Megatron hated what he had done; hated that he had been the cause of Starscream's injuries. He could feel that his lover feared that Starscream would never trust him again; feared that he would leave and never look back. And he knew that his lord grieved, because they both knew that even as Megatron whispered those words, those promises, that they were nothing but lies.
Perhaps, if the damage and hateful, seething words that had been spoken as he had lain on the floor, broken and bleeding copious amounts of energon had truly been done in the heat of the moment, they might have been able to put it behind them. Perhaps if that absolute loathing wasn't growing in Megatron's spark…. But there was no going back from this. Not now, not ever.
And maybe he was a fool for not leaving now while there was still a chance for him to do so, but he loved Megatron, needed him, even when the mech was lying to him.
Pretty much the same chapter that appeared in chapter 10 of It's A Screamer's World, but I did add some stuff in. Hopefully it reads a bit better. This fic will juggle points of view between both Megatron and Starscream, so you'll get to see both sides of all this. Please let me know what you think!
There are going to be five parts because there were five songs that I heard and went "Holy Hell, that's a Megascream song!" There will be an excerpt from each song as a chapter opener. This fic will be updated whenever I get a chance to – I'm going on vacation tomorrow, so I might not have a reliable internet connection. We'll find out, won't we?
EDIT 2/25/2011: I'm going through this entire story and editing it a bit. Primarilly fixing some spelling errors, adding a few sentences here and there, and changing the songs I use. I found some better ones. XD
