AUTHORS NOTE
Hey - welcome to my second FanFic story. This one isn't linked to Jane Doe at all, even though there are similarities in subject matter (very vaguely). I've been writing this for over a week, but I really wanted to be thorough with it so held back a while from publishing it. As the title suggests there will be 3 chapters, I'm almost finished the second, so I'm hoping the whole story will be uploaded by the end of Jan. =)
Oh, and I'm like 95% sure all characters are pretty much OOC!
Just a little warning - the topic (not to spoil it for you, but I will say it's miscarriage) is of very sensitive nature, just so you know before reading
Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games characters, those belong to Suzanne Collins
Two weeks. Just two weeks of happiness had been all they'd gotten from the first before it ended.
She finally twigged after being around 4 weeks late and being filled with nausea for the past several weeks. And she was delighted when she realised her suspicion was most likely correct – they'd been trying for 5 or 6 months and they'd finally created the happiness they'd been after. They'd been married just over a year at the point, and were still young, just 22, with fresh degrees in their hands – both of them were very much wanting to have children young.
She let it sink in for a day before speaking to Peeta. She got in from work before he did, so she waited patiently on the couch trying to decide the best way to tell him the possibility of a baby being on the way.
"I'm home" he shouted as he opened the front door, and a smile automatically struck her face, "Hey" she called back, "listen, I have something to tell you" she continued, he began to look a little confused, "I don't think we should take that holiday in the summer, neither of us have that much vacation time" she said to him, trying not to burst with the news she was about to break, "Really? You were looking forward to it last week" he replied to her, she nodded before speaking "It might be best to save the vacation time for later, I hear babies need a lot of looking after just after they're born" she looked up directly to his eyes after finishing, his face was a mix of shock and joy, "Are you?" he questioned, "Are you really?" She let out a little laugh, "I haven't done a test, but I'm sure, I'm really late and my stomach's-" she doesn't get to finish her sentence before he's rushed to her, picked her up and spun her around. They laugh and share love between them before they call the doctor's office and make an appointment for the next day.
And they definitely are. The joy on both of their faces as the doctor says the word "Congratulations" to them quite soon into their visit. They find out many things, she's almost 10 weeks gone and they are both surprised, thinking it was much earlier, and they learn about prenatal vitamins and things to take note of and things which should and shouldn't be done during pregnancy. After they leave they decide to wait until 12 weeks before telling anyone, and once they get to that point it will be their parents first – so they call up both sets and arrange a lunch for just over two weeks' time, just after they leave the first trimester.
The first few days are bliss, with Peeta doting on her constantly, but they soon settle into their regular routine again, going to work and then coming home to each other and spending time with each other. Normally they'd spend a few evenings a week with friends, and often a day at the weekend, but they don't. They don't want to accidentally say anything.
It's the last day of the first trimester it happens. Just two days before their lunch with their parents.
Katniss hadn't been feeling 100% all day, she stayed home from work when her morning sickness overtook her for a few hours in the early hours of the day, and Peeta promised he'd come home for lunch to see how she was feeling, it was quite lucky he did.
By midmorning Katniss was able to get out of bed and have some toast, it was then she felt a little tense across her lower abdomen. She gently massaged it and went back to tidying up the bedroom a bit before heading back to the kitchen to make soup for Peeta for lunch.
It was just starting to boil when a pain struck her across her whole lower abdomen, she felt herself bend at the middle and clutched to the edge of the countertop to keep herself up. Her knees began to weaken and she hastily turned off the stove before allowing herself to slump on the floor and moan out in pain. The pain and tension now felt like cramping and she feared immediately what was happening. She whispered soft words to their young unborn child, begging it to be alright, providing comfort. She let her tears fall almost silently, but let out a scream of pain when she tried to stand to reach the phone – she'd have to wait for this to end or for Peeta to come home. Ten minutes later her worries were confirmed when she could tell she had started to bleed. She didn't need to look to know what it was, and she knew now that the inevitable couldn't be stopped. So her shield went up and her eyes glassed over and she lost all sense of space and time.
Peeta arrives home before 1pm, "Katniss?" he calls out, not too loudly, but she manages to hear it from her spot on the kitchen floor. She can't bring a response out from within her, so she remains quiet on the floor. She can hear him trying to quietly go up the stairs and opening their bedroom door. When he sees the room is tidy and the bed is made he rushes through the upper floor of their house before heavily running back down the stairs. He gasps in horror at the sight of Katniss huddled on the kitchen floor, hands covering her stomach, legs held tight together, head leaning back on the cabinet, eyes glazed with unshed tears, he kneels next to her "Katniss, baby?" he softly comforts her, she snaps out of it as soon as he speaks, and her tears fall over her cheeks, "I think-" she chokes on her words, "Cramping … bleeding …" she trailed off a little and he understood what was happening, they were losing their baby. He was unsure what to do, take her to hospital? Call their doctor? Let what's happening happen naturally on its own time? He strokes her head and tries to soothe her, but he feels like his heart is breaking – they wanted this baby so much, but they're young, there's plenty of time, "It'll be ok Katniss, we'll be ok" he whispers gently to her, making a snap decision to call the doctor, who asks him to take her to the emergency room and get an ultrasound right away, the call ends with the doctor sending apologies their way and him giving a brief thanks before hanging up.
He manages to pick Katniss up and take her upstairs, quickly changing her from her pyjamas which have been stained by blood – not much, but noticeable enough. He packs a quick bag and helps Katniss downstairs to the car, "I'm sorry, Peeta" she sobs as she sits down with a painful expression on her face, "I'm so sorry" she says again as he gets into the driver's side, "Don't be Katniss, don't apologise, you did nothing wrong, I promise you that" he tells her while he drives almost on autopilot, not wanting to breakdown.
They don't have to wait long, he holds her close with his arm and she rests her head on his shoulder while they do, her face morphed into a permanent expression of pain and her hands wrapped on her stomach. When they go through the nurse asks them some general questions, she manages to get out everything that had happened that day and lets the nurse know that they should be 12 weeks tomorrow. The nurse just nods and gets on with carrying out the ultrasound.
It's silent throughout the procedure, no sound of a beating heart, and it's confirmed to them both that they've lost the baby. The nurse takes some measurements and lets them gently know that the growth is showing about 11 weeks, it breaks them both that their little one has been gone for almost a week now and it's just at this point they're finding out.
She gives them some guidance and gets Katniss taken up to the maternity department where there are specialist midwives to provide care. It's here where they really start to take in what has happened, and they break down into tears in each other's arms once they're in the private room they've been assigned, where many others before them have gone through the same dreadful experience.
Shortly after their arrival, Katniss finds her waters have broken, leading to another round of fresh sobs; it just brings the reality closer to them. They'll have to face it soon, no matter how much they want this and the pain to just go away and leave them in peace and happiness. The midwife gives them the options, though Katniss feels so weak, she doesn't honestly think she can make a decision, so Peeta has to do it. He knows he needs to think about what Katniss would want, but he wants the one which will cause least pain, and he knows to make that choice soon, she's writhing in pain on the bed, tears streaming down her expression of terror. They're able to give her some more pain relief while Peeta decides, the midwives say they've got time, Peeta doesn't see how, but he'll let himself believe them. The medicine is able to calm Katniss down, and she begins to drift off to a slightly restless sleep. He decides he must make a call – to Katniss' mother. She's a nurse, and even though they didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy to start with, they must do so now in these terrible circumstances.
The phone rings a few times before she answers, "Hello?" she says, pleasantly unaware of the nature of the call, "Hi Mrs Everdeen, it's Peeta" he says, trying to keep his voice steady as he speaks to her, "Hi Peeta dear, how are you?" he can't lie to her, he's able to stretch the truth a little, but this would be too large a stretch. "Not good, if I'm honest" he can feel his voice about to crack, "Peeta, what's going on?" Mrs Everdeen firmly says into the phone, she's good in emergencies, in times of panic, it's when her nurses training kicks in. "It's Katniss" he manages, "we're at the hospital" he takes a few breaths, she's giving him the space to let her know on his own time, "she's … she's having-" he stumbles, "-a miscarriage" he's able to get out. He can hear the deep breathing on the other end of the line, "Oh Peeta" Mrs Everdeen says eventually, "How is she?" he's not quite sure how to respond, he could only say she's terrified and in pain and he doesn't know how to stop it. "She can't make the decision, I have to do it, I don't know what she'd want, I just don't want her to be in so much pain" his voice eventually cracks and he finds a few escaped tears have reached the bottom of his chin. Mrs Everdeen understands what he's talking about, and she can feel her heart wrench for her eldest daughter who has always been so strong and un-requiring of so much from her mother, but now she needs a lot. She can only think this is what the lunch was about that had been organised for a few days from now, they were most likely going to announce they were expecting to both the Everdeens and Mellarks at the same time, from her nursing she knew most people wait until 12 weeks, so she guessed that's about where her daughter was at. "If it were me, I'd choose natural" she told him as gently as she could over the phone, "We'll come and be there, I can go over everything before they give her anything, is there time?" she asks him, "Yeah, they said there was time, she's had some pain relief, I think she's asleep right now" he heard her sigh over the phone, "that's good, she'll need rest." Mrs Everdeen could feel herself beginning to get emotional, but she tried her best to put her nurses mask on, she had to be a rock for them as well as a nurse, she couldn't let them see her dissolve in front of them when they'll be going through much worse than her. "Hold tight Peeta, it will all be alright" she soothed him, and then asked "have you called your parents or would you like me to get them on our way?" "Could you?" he said, giving in to his exhaustion, he couldn't face telling more people now, "Of course" Mrs Everdeen replied, "We'll see you soon, it will be ok."
He went back to the midwife, "Can we wait until her mother comes? She's a nurse; I think it will be a comfort for her." He asks her, sighing and running a hand through his hair, "Absolutely" she tells him with a sad smile and a pat on his shoulder. He makes his way back to her bedside, and perches next to her, holding her hands in his, looking at the frailty of her body. She turns her head to look at him, sorrow fills her eyes, and she tries to sit up, he quickly puts his arms around her and pulls her upwards, trying to stem the pain from the simple action. "Just hold me" she whimpers, and so he does. She moans in pain every so often, which the midwives say are contractions. Neither of them thought that labour would have to complete for this to all be over, for some reason it was never considered. How the small baby would leave just seemed to be a mysterious process – much too complex for their two young minds to grasp. Others their age and younger have been here, losing a little one, but it happening to them just hadn't run through their minds.
He comforts her through the contractions and pains she has, which come variably, and sometime later Mrs Everdeen quietly knocks on the door and enters, letting them know that the Everdeens and Mellarks are all here for them. Peeta lets Mrs Everdeen in to comfort her daughter, and he steps outside to see his parents and Mr Everdeen. His mother was never the greatest fan of the Everdeens, but she couldn't help but feel something in this moment, and Peeta was thankful he wouldn't have to worry about her saying something. Soon Mrs Everdeen beckoned for Peeta to come back in. Katniss was on her feet, pacing the room with one hand on her flat stomach and the other on her back, she didn't even acknowledge Peeta as he came in, then Mrs Everdeen spoke, "I think you should go natural, both professionally and personally. I think, as horrible as it sounds, that you're progressing well" she brushed the hair off her daughters face as she said this and gave her a sympathetic look, "and I think as a couple it will be best for you, it's just the sort of people you are. It could give you closure, you could have a proper burial if you wanted." Katniss almost shouted her 'Yes' as soon as a burial was mentioned, Peeta couldn't help but agree with her, it was as a life, it had lived, no matter how small it would be, it deserved to be remembered. "Of course sweetheart" he said to her as he stopped her pacing and stood in front of her, she wrapped her arms around his neck, but kept her body away from his, she leant over, keeping as much of her body weight on Peeta as she could while she swayed a little side to side. "I can tell, I can feel it, it's going to happen soon" she almost sobbed in a whisper to Peeta, he nodded in response to her, "I'm here, I'll always be here, every step of the way, with you." He turned to Mrs Everdeen and softly asked her "Could you tell the midwife our plan, and I think we'd like to stay here, I don't think we could do this at home" he says, with a glance to Katniss. Mrs Everdeen nods and leaves silently.
The midwives in the hospital are great to both of them – they provide support but keep a distance when it's right for the couple to be alone. And they are alone together when it happens, how they feel it should be. It seems reasonably quick compared to the rest of the process, for it's now almost 10pm, it barely took 20minutes for it to happen. Katniss expressed her fears and terror of having to push before it had occurred, but her mother relaxed her, spoke to her, and rested her mind for the moment. Katniss felt the pain in her heart when she found she had to push, though she didn't physically feel much as she was so mentally numb to everything that was happening. And Peeta was there, helping her as much as he could, giving her kind words and whispering his love for her into her ears for only her to hear.
It was tiny. A little bigger than a few inches long, but no longer than three – but it was clear. They knew it was their baby. Their son. They were allowed to take as long as they wished, and they spent the moments after having a time of rest between the two of them before turning focus to their little one. They clean and talk to their child, give words of love and kindness, promises. Promises of never forgetting, always loving, and that life will be good for the little one from now on, any suffering felt was over.
Katniss allowed her mother to take photographs, they might want them in the future, and Mrs Everdeen had been instructed to keep them safe forever. Though no photographs of either of them, if they looked back they wouldn't want to think of the sadness they had held, they'd want to remember their son, who had brought them joy even for only a short time.
It took several more hours for the rest of the tissue to be expelled and she finally let a midwife carry out an examination on her. The midwife was gentle and kind, and offered them support, Katniss felt like she was more of a friend than a working professional, it made her feel more comfortable – though it didn't make a dent in her feelings about the rest of the experience. Katniss had tried to provide Peeta some comfort and calming words, but he wouldn't accept them, he was adamant that she needed them more, for she was the one who had felt it all, had to birth their tiny child. But he definitely felt more upset about it than he was letting on.
By the next lunchtime, she was discharged, they said she could go home, but just be careful for the first 24-48hours, and to watch for more bleeding, although they expected it would be fine. They gave her a follow up appointment with her regular doctor for the following week, just a standard check-up which was always carried out, but if there were worries or concerns, they'd be welcome back to where they'd been – Katniss silently refused this offer, she didn't want to be back at that place. This thought made her thankful that Peeta got them to stay there; she couldn't have imagined having to do that at home, where she'd have to continue her life normally.
When they stepped outside the room to leave, and she saw her father, she went straight to his arms. She was always a daddy's girl and even being in her twenties now and after what they had just gone through, she still felt like a little girl. Vulnerable, weak, helpless. Her father held his strong arm around his eldest daughter and supported her to the car. He held her for the entire journey, and then helped her into their home and up the stairs, leaving her in her room. Peeta rode back separately, he was a little grudged to do so, but her father was the only one who loved her more than he himself did, so he knew she was in safe hands. They'd already arrived when he got back, and her father was sitting in the lounge with a cup of coffee, her mother already cleaning the kitchen and starting to prepare meals for the coming week. He went upstairs and found her standing just a foot inside their bedroom doorway, her shoulders slumped, looking defeated. "Hey" he greeted her with a small hint of a smile, placing a kiss on her cheek and forehead, her face was a slate, free of emotions, "I don't know what to do" she said to him quietly. "I'll help you" he tells her, leading her to sit on the bed. He collects clean and comfortable lounge clothes for her and helps her change before getting her settled under the bed covers, "Rest, sleep" he tells her, tucking her in and kissing her forehead before shutting the curtains. He checks the door is closed before lying down on top of the bedding next to his wife, wrapping his arms around her the best he can. And they sleep together, loving and comforting, trying to decipher how they will continue on from this point.
Her mother stays over in their guest room for almost two weeks, both of their fathers visit every few days, alternating between them. But his mother never comes – Peeta gets it, he's fine with it. Peeta tries his best to understand what has happened, he reads about it a lot, and after a week or so, he understood that a miscarriage can happen for no reason if the pregnancy just wasn't meant to be. The statistics on them shocked him a little, there was a reasonably high proportion of pregnancies ending in miscarriage – they were just one of a whole group of unlucky couples. After the first week Katniss begins to get around a bit more, never leaving the house, but moving between the different rooms, silently though, almost like a ghost. She moves from the bed to the bathroom then to the couch in the lounge, then rotates between the three.
Peeta is delighted to see her improve during the second week, it begins with a few words, then longer conversations – always just with Peeta though, and always about how much she loves him. He lets her though, she needs to take her own time with this. Then she starts back with intimate gestures, initiating embraces and kisses. But again these are just for Peeta, she doesn't show anything to anyone else, even though her friends come and see her and try to get something out of her. Annie and Delly are gentle and sit with her and embrace her and smooth her hair as she lets a few tears slip in front of them. Johanna lies next to her on the bed and tells her it will all work out sooner or later and tells her she's only young. As she leaves though, Johanna tells her they're all there for her when she wants them. Gale was very awkward, he sat at the end of the bed, while she had her legs outstretched, and he patted her foot and gave his apologies for their loss. Other friends flitted in and out with her parents and his father, and she slowly opened up to a few more people at a time.
She felt it took 4 weeks to feel a lot more like herself, "I'm feeling better" she told Peeta with a small smile as he got out of bed that Saturday morning. He gave her a wide smile in return, "that's good" he replies to her, "Do you want to go out for a walk then maybe?" she nods and smiles a little again, which in turn he gives her back. They spent that day outdoors; together, taking in the fresh air that she hadn't realised she'd missed. It made her tired, but it was a good type of exhaustion, and although the next day was tough, in the long run the days seemed to get a bit better for them.
But they never forgot the precious existence and memories of their first born, their son.
