A/N: This is set two years after Secrets, but during series 24 of The Bill, whereas Secrets was set during series 23.
Hannah wasn't coping.
Two years had passed since she'd been abducted by Simon Hardcastle and, for a while, everything had been great. It had been two months before she was allowed to go home and a further two months until they finally gave in to her demands to be allowed to return to work. By then she was almost seven months pregnant and restricted to desk duties anyway.
Jo needed more reassurance than her girlfriend during the pregnancy. Hannah had done it three times before and knew, as far as was possible, what to expect. To the brunette, however, it was a completely new experience. Her keenness to protect the younger woman from everything possible until the baby was born almost drove Hannah to distraction, unused to having someone around telling her to slow down or think about her health.
The problems really started a month or so after the baby, Caitlin, was born at the beginning of September. Hannah had trouble sleeping and was irritated and weepy almost all the time. Jo felt guilty that her girlfriend was getting so little sleep but did her best to support her. When she suggested that Hannah slept in the spare room so that she could attempt to get an uninterrupted night's sleep, the red-head flew off the handle, storming out of the house without a second thought for the children. On her return, she had broken down in tears. Sensing something was wrong, Jo had arranged a meeting with the midwife, who had diagnosed Hannah with postnatal depression and put her on a course of anti-depressants. From then on, the brunette had done her best to take a lot of the strain from her. Her efforts had backfired, leaving Hannah feeling as though she was under attack and that Jo didn't trust her with the children anymore.
In April, Jo had moved out.
Both women were stubborn and when, in the heat of an argument, Hannah had furiously suggested that they called it a day, Jo snapped that maybe they should. With the words hanging in the air between them, the brunette left and went to stay with Sam and Phil while she looked for somewhere else to live. Neither had really wanted to end the relationship but their defences went up and both pretended to be happy with their separation, refusing to back down. As hard as it was, they remained friends and colleagues, not letting on how much seeing the other constantly but not being able to admit their feelings was killing them.
After barely seeing anything of her eldest daughter or sister for months, in September both Ellie and Freya moved back to Cardiff to attend the University, neither leaving on particularly good terms with Hannah. Both were annoyed that she was flatly refusing to admit that she missed Jo and wanted her back. Max, too, was angry with his sister. Barely two weeks after the girls left, following a blazing row with the redheaded detective, he packed his bags and moved in with Jo.
Feeling pressure from all sides, Hannah had retreated into herself, keeping even more locked up inside than she had when she'd first arrived back in Canley. She had even requested a transfer from Sun Hill CID, but Jack and Sam had persuaded her that she was an instrumental part of the team and practically refused to let her leave. Sam had tried to talk to her, but it had been Jack who had convinced her to drop the transfer request by pointing out that she was strong enough to get through whatever was bothering her and she needed to stop her punishing herself.
When Hannah had been put on the night shift in early January, about eight months after her return to work, Ellie and Freya had pushed for Jo to move back in to look after the kids while she was out. With neither able to think of a reason why it was a problem, seeing as both were adamant that they were happy returning to their former friendship, the pair were forced into close proximity. If the girls had been hoping that they would rekindle their relationship they were sadly mistaken; both Hannah and Jo closed down even more in an attempt to stop themselves hurting.
One early-March afternoon two years after she herself had been abducted by Simon Henderson and almost a year after her split from Jo, Hannah found herself working on a case with DC Moss. Usually she counted the blonde as, perhaps, her very best friend but at that moment Stevie's bubbly personality was grating on her as they sat in one of the pool cars, watching a suspect carefully. After almost three hours in her company Hannah wanted to scream.
"… so then I said there was absolutely no way I could deal with another bottle and he said that I was being boring." Stevie chattered happily, taking no notice of her colleague's closed eyes and the fact that she was leaning her head back against the head-rest.
"Great…"
"Yeah, I know! But then I ended up drinking the bottle and we were so drunk that we thought his Mum and Dad's back garden was his bedroom and slept in a flowerbed." The blonde finished her story with a giggle. "How did you spend your 21st?"
Hannah thought for a moment, before turning her head and fixing the blonde woman with a hard look. "I went to McDonald's with two six-year-olds and a two-year-old."
"Oh… yeah… I forgot you'd have had Max and the girls then."
"Well, those particular kids have decided that they don't want me around anymore." She muttered bitterly.
"Is Max still adamant he's staying with Jo?" Stevie asked without thinking.
Clenching a fist and looking out of the window, Hannah replied bitterly. "Yeah, he is."
"Why? I mean, I know he loves her and that, but…"
"I don't want–" Hannah started gruffly, before something caught her attention outside and she pointed it out to her colleague. "Look… Taylor and Jones… Let's go."
Putting the car into gear, she started tailing their suspects, grateful for the interruption to the conversation with Stevie. She made sure the topics of conversation stayed within the boundaries of what she was comfortable with. Anytime Stevie appeared to be steering the conversation back to shaky ground, Hannah would take control once more and firmly redirect it.
They finally decided that they'd gathered enough evidence against the two men and arrested them, taking them into the station and handing them over to the Custody Sergeant before heading up the stairs to CID to report back to the DCI. He wasn't in the best of moods, snapping at the two women as they gave him a run-down on their day. Relieved, they escaped from his office and collected their things from their desks.
"Fancy a drink, mate?" Stevie asked, smiling at Hannah. "It is Friday night."
Before she could reply, Jo appeared in the office. Spotting the red-head, she smiled weakly and made her way over quickly. Not meeting her eyes, she perched on the desk beside her. "Listen… I know I was supposed to be having the kids tonight, but… any chance we can rearrange for tomorrow instead?"
"Sure." Hannah agreed easily, glad for an excuse not to go to the pub with Stevie. "Any particular reason?"
"Oh…" The brunette looked incredibly uncomfortable at the question.
"You don't have to tell me if…"
"I have a date." Jo blurted, apparently wanting to get the admission over and done with.
Hannah felt as though she'd just been shot in the chest. Whatever she'd been expecting it wasn't that. It wasn't the first date Jo had been on since their breakup, but hearing it never got any easier. Painting on a smile, although her heart was contracting worryingly, the younger woman nodded. "Of course… that's… have fun."
Not waiting for a reply, she fled from the office and down the stairs. Almost knocking Inspector Gold over she rushed to her car and threw herself into the driver's seat, determined to get as far away from the station as possible as quickly as possible. Rationally she knew she had no right to be upset about Jo's announcement but irrationally she didn't know whether to be more angry or upset.
Once the baby-sitter had left, Hannah got her sixteen-month and four-year-old daughters off to bed and left Theo safely up in his bedroom playing until he, too, was put to bed. Then the woman had nothing to distract her from replaying Jo's announcement over and over again. She wandered aimlessly through the house for a little while, but everywhere there were constant reminders of the brunette; photos the red-head couldn't bear to hide away, however painful the memories evoked were; odd things belonging to the older woman that had been left behind or overlooked; a few items of clothing that were still in the wardrobe or the drawers; the children's drawings of their mad little family stuck to the fridge. Dropping a photo of the eight of them taken the Christmas before, when Jo and Hannah had been pretending that spending the holiday together for the children's sake didn't bother them, into a drawer and slamming it closed, she sat heavily at the kitchen table and opened a bottle of wine. Before Hannah knew it, the bottle on the table in front of her was more than half empty.
"Mum?" A small voice said from the doorway. "Are you alright?"
"Me? I'm just fine, baby." She replied with forced cheerfulness. Swaying slightly as she stood, Hannah moved towards Theo and cuddled him tightly to her as though he, too, was about to leave. "Come on… let's get you to bed."
When the eight-year-old was tucked up and Hannah was sitting beside him, stroking his hair gently, he gazed up at her. "I wish you were happy."
"What?" She laughed softly. "I am happy, darling. I've got you and your little sisters to make sure of that."
"What about Ellie and Freya and Max and Jo?" He pressed. "I miss them."
"Me too…" His mother admitted. "But they all love you lots and lots. Don't ever forget that, sweetheart."
With a sleepy sigh, Theo closed his eyes and rolled over, cuddling his teddy. "They love you too, Mum."
Waiting a couple of moments to check he was asleep, Hannah stood up and moved to the door. She watched him for a second, before shaking her head. "No, baby, they don't."
