Love Undeserved
Author: DemonicTwister
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Genre: Angst
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What do you see when you look at me? I'm sure everyone else would tell you that I'm a good little girl who acts perfect and sometimes the perfect victim, acting out so men will faun all over me. Stupid people, doing as I say, thinking me nothing more than a little kitten. They don't see the lioness, they don't see the predator that would relish at the sight of a man being castrated.
But not you, oh, no, heh, you see my true nature. You see the disgusting beast beneath the kitten's cute, helpless, little façade. I've always thought that the moment that someone saw what I was really like, then they'd despise me. Once again, not like you…..completely unlike you. You always saw the real me. The real, cold, cruel me that hid behind the smile. And you loved it! You loved me. Me, an evil bitch. Me, who never gave you anything except pain and misery.
Almost all who see me, smiling pleasantly, acting as if I'm the little victim who needs comforting, the vulnerable damsel in distress, want to hold me, caress me and kiss me, all because I can hold a façade of a frightened little girl…..on the outside at least. But you….you see the starving tiger on the inside. You saw the claws yearning to come out and rake flesh from peoples' bodies. You saw what I was really like from the beginning.
Yet you always loved me! Why?!
You always wanted to hold, caress me, kiss me, make love to me, and not because of my façade. You wanted me for me. You wanted me for my true, brutal, cruel self…..how could I possibly deserve you?
I don't deserve you, you know. I don't.
I want to tell you that….but I feel so loved by you night after night. Your mouth all over me, your words by my ear, telling me how much you loved me, and that I deserved to be loved, adored and cherished, that YOU would always love and adore me, no matter what, I….hearing that, I just can't bring up the will to tell you off.
I know that you deserve someone far better than me. Someone who says you're beautiful every moment like you do for me. Not someone like me, who spends every moment degrading you, telling you how retarded you are, that you're worthless and that no one gives a fuck about you.
Every time I tell you this, you just close your eyes, sighing patiently, and I can tell that I'm hurting you, even though you're clearly suppressing any signs of pain.
You just stand up from our bed and walk to the bathroom, grumbling about me being PMS or something. Or rather, your bed is a more accurate term, but it's become "ours" since you welcomed me into it. I deserve to be told that I'm a worthless skank, yet you could never tell me that, could you? Because you don't even believe that. You know my true nature, yet never once have you called me a slut, bitch or whore like I deserve. You saw my true nature, but you didn't see what everyone else WOULD have seen if they saw the real me.
I remember actually once asking what you thought of me, with a cruel tone in my voice I might add, and your exact words to me were, "You're the most beautiful, cruel, arrogant, sassy, degrading of everyone else, the most selfish, uncaring, and confidant woman I've ever known and you're mind blowing, my baby."
And let's not forget how almost poetic you are when you speak about me. How you praise me as if I'm a gem, a treasure to be loved and protected always.
It's ridiculous. What are you doing with me? You're a complete dimwit, you know?
It's funny, it's really funny, you know? Because the classic tragic story is about the person that's suffering is being physically abused by her boyfriend, and then told that only the boyfriend would ever love her.
But here, you are the "boyfriend" in the relationship, you damn beast, you are the dominant lover in this relationship, you are the one that makes me scream in pleasure every night, makes me throw my head back and shriek as you devour me. You are the one that dominates me in bed every night.
And yet, you allow me to call you all that I have. I am the one that talks about you degradingly and you allow it. You roll your eyes, sigh sadly, as if you know that it's hopeless to reason with me as I say these things.
You, you're proud, you're strong, you're dominant, why can't you tell me that I'm a bitch? Why can't you just smack me and say that I'm a slut or a fucking whore? Please, tell me that I'm a whore, darling….I deserve it for all I've said and done to you.
How can you just hold me in your arms the way you do? How can you just caress me and smile down at me adoringly as if I'm a treasure that should be guarded and cherished?!
You know, I still can't believe what you've said before and still do say, that you intend to repeat your years here in Fuuka high till I get out of High School so that we can go to college together. Sheesh, you're so loyal to me that you'll do anything for me.
You're a masochist, wanting to stay with me for so long, even after all the whole Hime crap and I put you through such pain.
It doesn't help any either that I adore you just as much.
I tell myself over and over that I need to separate myself from you, that I should break up from you. I know it would be for the best. You wouldn't have to deal with how much of a PMS bitch I am.
You wouldn't have to deal with my mood swings, you wouldn't have to deal with me telling you that you're worthless and that I don't love you, and that I could never care about you.
And you know what the part is that hurts me the most? It's that when I say this, you don't even flinch when I tell you that you're worthless and that no one else except me could deal with you and no one could love you. You don't even react to that, you never did.
But you always flinch as if you've been punched, when I tell you that I hate you and that I could never love you.
That's the part that kills me. You love me so much, that it doesn't matter what else it is that I say, it's when I tell you that I could never love you that hurts you the worst.
You could tolerate every torture in the world if it was for my sake. Every twisted pain that exists in the world you would allow, so long as it was for my sake. That's the reason why you deserve better than me. You would do anything for me. You deserve so much more than me, but that's why I can't break up with you. How could anyone let someone as precious as you go?
Thousands of young girls would dream and fantasize about having a man in their lives just like you. A guy that's just as chivalrous, kind, strong, loving, caring, protective, giving and self-sacrificing as you. You're not a man, but you're everything that a woman would want.
That's why I know I don't deserve you, but that's why I can't bear to make you leave me.
I know you deserve better, but I could never tell you off.
And that's the worst part, isn't it? You're the one being a victim here, being verbally abused continually by me, and I know it, but I can't stop. You really are an idiot, you know? What moron stays with her lover when her lover is being the biggest bitch in the world?
I of course tell you that you're an idiot, but you still say you love me. Of course, loving someone and being an idiot are probably the same things, right?
How can you just smile down at me as if I'm the most beautiful creature in the world, and hold me so lovingly as if I'm the most important thing in the world?
Night after night we have this routine. You continually caress me on the inside, and at the same time while making love to me, you dote on me as if I deserve all the praises that exist. You make every effort in the world to please me both physically and emotionally.
Like you're doing now.
I pant helplessly as my head is thrown back, my neck exposed to the darkness of the room as I gasp and as you stroke my breasts, back and forth in a very caring motion, occasionally squeezing them with both hands and flicking occasionally as well, the way I love it when you do.
My legs are wide open, though I'm desperately trying to close them. I want it so badly, but we have to stop this. We have to. I've put you through so much. I've told you how disgusting you are, that you don't even exist to me, that you don't matter. Come on, you don't deserve this!
But I can't give you better. I'm not any good for you. Why can't you see that? If everyone saw how I really acted, they'd be able to see plain as day what I am, but you see how brutally cruel and deceitful I am every day and night but you don't care about that.
Everyone sees me as a polite and sweet young girl, but you know that that's not what I really am, yet you love me anyway. Worship me even for all the deceit I show.
Now, as I feel you stroke your tongue over my moist opening, over my every wet spots, I can feel my climax rising as I buck underneath your mouth, your hands holding me down so I don't get away.
I'm ready to experience the full pleasure of your ministrations, when you hold back at the last minute. I groan; a sound of dismay, and I can feel you grin between my legs at the sound.
"Bitch!" I yell, "What are you waiting for?! Fuck me!"
"No," Came the husky reply, making me tremble, "I think not, sweetie. I think we both know what I'm waiting for."
No….oh hell, please don't…..
"No, you stupid beast….please." I whisper, trying to act angry, yet shaking now at what I realize what's about to happen.
"Say it, please." Came the gentle coo of your voice as you stroked my labia with your thumb, sending tremors through me, but not the release I desire.
Oh, god, she was going to make….. she wouldn't fuck, she wouldn't hurt me like I did deserve.
"No….I…" I mumbled, trying not to cry as my eyes widen at what was happening.
"Say it!" I hear you yell at me, yelling it in such desperation that I hate it because it almost makes me bend.
What kind of joke was this?! You're the most loving person in the world, and yet you love me, the most unlovable person that ever came into existence. An angel loving a devil whore? Was there some kind of religious story of satanic salvation that mocked the virtue of such a beautiful angel like yourself?!
A beautiful creature who was capable of such love granting me the same pleasure that those of light and beauty can be given? It must have been some twisted joke. There was no way I could deserve this.
Even as I feel the tidal wave about to take me, making me wither in agonizing pleasure, ripping shriek upon shriek from my helpless throat as your tongue invades my entire entrance completely and tortures that bundle of nerves between my lower lips I can't find the will to refuse you….
Once again, you hold back from granting me release, once again, you don't allow me what I need. I feel despair quaking through me at the longing of being touched.
The next words break me. "Tell me to love you, not fuck you, Nao." You say my name with such worship, and I can't stop the words, wanting to be loved by you more than anything in the world.
The next sound that came out of my mouth was a near sob. I desire your love, which you'll continually give, and I never deserved it.
"Please….love me,…..Natsuki." I whimper, breaking, wanting your love unconditional. The love that should have been taken from me long ago. I swear that I hear a triumphant hiss from below and I see a brief flash of dark blue as you duck back down to my core, your tongue now slicking over the round entrance there, sending voltages of through me as I'm forced to squeeze my eyes shut. My body can't take this.
Licking at me mercilessly now, thrusting your tongue in me, making sure I had the utmost pleasure, so determined to please me. Oh, Natsuki, damn you!
I scream, letting out all the anger and pain I feel along with the ecstasy that forces my body to convulse. My body moves back and forth to get more friction between my lover's tongue and my core.
When there's a crescendo of movement, I finally give way as the friction gives me the physical satisfaction I need.
At the height of my most pleasurable moment, though, I'm caught in a haze full of ecstasy and at that moment, I feel pain and agony, knowing full well what my pure moment of pleasure is the result of: Natsuki's unconditional love and affection and adoration that I've done nothing to earn or deserve.
Finally when I come down from the passionate, ecstasy filled haven that you send me to, my body calming down as a final cry rips from my throat, I'm no longer yelling, just crying and gasping and panting.
I whimper a little as I realize I've done to you again what I've always done to you, and you don't even give a shit.
You crawl up to me from where you've lain your head against my lower torso and wrap me up in your muscled arms, keeping me in a strong muscled band-like-grip that resembles steel chains.
Contradictory to the hard, tough, thick muscles of your arms that are wrapped around me, I'm rewarded with the feeling of your soft, warm chest where I can lay my head against. I sigh contently.
You know, Kuga, I know this sounds odd, but I sometimes wish that I hated you. Then it would be so easy to dump your ass and spare you this pain every night I tell you that I couldn't give a rat's ass about you, just to torment you, because I know you'd forgive me.
Once again, there's that unbearably endearing look that you give me, full of adoration, love and ultimate care, your emerald eyes that are so similar to mine shining with need. Your eyes are almost the same color as mine, but they're darker than mine, plus they hold an innocence and purity that mine could never hope to possess.
As I look into your eyes, I realize that yet another routine of me willingly coming to your bed and taking the love that I didn't deserve when I should dump you and spare you the pain of me telling you you're worthless, just to enjoy your pain has just taken place.
I hiss without really meaning to and bring my hands out from the iron clasp you have around me, getting my now clawed hands up to your startled face menacingly.
"Get the hell off me, Kuga!" I yell, struggling against you.
"Nao, what the hell?" You demand, squirming, trying to control my arms so I don't flail around so much.
You place your entire body on top of me, hoping that the warmth and weight from your body will both hold me captive as well as make me not want to escape. And it very nearly works. In only two seconds of you doing this trick, I already feel the desire to melt into your body, but am able to summon the will power.
Unfortunately for you, my sweet, not only that, but I'm faster than you and my nails rip the skin of your cheeks easily. I can't even think about the fact that I'm hurting you, I'm so angry with myself for allowing this to happen between us again.
There are red marks down your face as you get a hold of my wrists, holding my hands up now so that I can't move.
"Alright, Nao," You snap strictly, your eyes now locking with mine, "What's this about?"
I glare at how ignorant you are and snap, "What, do I have to have a reason for not wanting to sleep with a loser like you anymore?"
Again, I see the pain that I hate seeing in your beautiful eyes. It's a necessary, I remind myself, you deserve far better than me. You could have anyone, whose souls were better than mine.
Any woman or guy would want you. And you choose me, a PMS beast that insults you every night after we make love. If we can even call it that.
As you recover from the pain that I've inflicted on you, you state, "Nao, would you knock it off? You're just saying this because-"
"Because what?" I demanded, struggling against her, "Natsuki, we have to stop this. I want to break up with you."
There. That was it. That was the final blow that I knew would throw you from me into the cold. That would rip the small bit of love I have in this world from me.
Already, I can see the pain ripping through your face, threatening to destroy those perfectly heavenly eyes that have granted so many loving glances and stares. "Nao, what….?" Your pained voice is almost too much for me to bear, and I probably wouldn't be able to bear it, had it not been for my unshaken conclusion of what was to happen.
"Natsuki," I snap in a stronger voice, "We're going to stop this now. We have to."
"Why?!" Came the nearly pained demand, a torn look in your eyes.
We seem to stay like that for almost a minute, our eyes remaining locked. It's as if even though you're clearly hurt by what I'm saying, you seem to be challenging me.
"We're not having this conversation," You say, your voice carrying a heavily determined and almost angry tone, "YOU came into MY bed, night after night, don't you forget. Now you're trying to end what YOU started?"
That makes me hesitant to do anything. Your strong, passionate voice has always made my heart skip a beat, though I would happily swallow over eighty slimy frogs before admitting it.
"You've willingly come to my bed night after night, and you expect me to believe that you want it to end now?"
"What? A girl's not allowed to get tired of her toys?"
"That's a load of bullshit, Nao and we both know it."
"How hopeful you are, Kuga. Tell me, have you always been this desperate to be used and lost? Sheesh, talk about a beggar for the dumpster."
I see your eyes narrow at what I say and I realize I might have pushed you a little too much. Even if you do adore me. Being used and lost is a tender subject for you, I know.
But that's why I brought it up.
But that doesn't stop the pain of my thoughts, crying, I'm sorry, Natsuki. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Releasing my wrists cautiously, you remove yourself from your position next to me, up off of the bed. I keep my eyes on your naked form, my heart caught in my throat at the curves and the muscled limbs.
"I love you, Nao." You say, keeping your head turned away from me, but slanting your eyes so that they were fixed on me, "Nothing will change that, you know."
Yeah, I know, I think to myself angrily, And I hate you for making me fall in love with you for it.
You worship, love and adore me. You could have anyone and yet you chose to spend time with me. Defending me against people on the street who just wanted to fuck me and be done with it.
The foolish little school boys here all desire me for being a frail girl, cute and tame, yet you know me for being the cruel, ruthless, cold hearted and unkind creature I am and you love it. That's what I can't stand. You love me for me, and yah know, that's kind of scary.
I watch you pick your clothes back up off of the ground, stringing them back over your body from where you've tossed them before, pulling your jacket over your shoulders.
"Kuga," Came my next hiss, "You don't have any idea what you're saying. Fuck off, okay? Who'd want some simpering, whiny bitch like you anyway?"
I can see that familiar look of you closing your eyes patiently, suppressing the words that are obviously affecting you so much. You say you love me, but can you love me after seeing me like this? I already know the answer to that one. After all, I say these things to you all the time, and you always are as patient as hell with me.
How I wish you weren't.
"Simpering or not," You say, your voice carrying a warning tone to it, "I'm not about to willingly let you go. Anyway, it's not like you really want it to end."
"You can't give me what I need, Kuga." I sneer, deciding to deliver the final blow to her feelings towards me, "I could find anyone else. All I have to do is show them what they want to see and they'll be all over me. I don't even need to show my real face to get laid."
The words seem to have the affect that I'd hope they would. You're now glaring at me and your right fist clenches hard, and I can tell that you're trying to restrain yourself from smashing your fist against the wall. Your teeth have also become clenched.
I hear you almost growling between your teeth, "Nao, we'll discuss this later. Though later I think you'll still come to me."
Oh, you just have to point that out, don't you? You just have to point out that I can't resist you.
"Think you're such a stud?" I ask challengingly, "Maybe if you wouldn't hold back from just flat out fucking me all the time and wanting me to beg for you then we wouldn't be having this discussion!"
That remark causes you to look at me like I'm an idiot. And I know I'll be told something pretty damn irritating, about how I deserve better than what I ask for.
"Whatever," I state, getting up from the bed as well, deciding to say something before you do, "Either way, we're finished, Kuga."
Of course we're not finished. Not by a long shot. I think to myself grimly, Tomorrow night I'll happily and willingly crawl back into her bed, wanting her to hold me and smile at me again, wanting her love.
You don't look too convinced by my words either, Natsuki. Although, right now you seem to be following my figure with hungry eyes and even though I just said that we're finished, naturally, I enjoy seeing you look at me with such desire.
It's ridiculous, really. Someone as wonderful as you could have anyone. Hell, you practically have someone in that Kyoto bitch, Fujino.
But of course, no, you said that Fujino is only your friend, and even after the Festival, you can't feel that way for her. Even after everything, I seem to be the only one you want.
I shiver as I feel your eyes almost burn me and I smile to myself ruefully. It was a pity that you wasted your love on me. We had this sad, tragic routine all the time. Me coming to your bed willingly, loving what your love and devotion feels like and then me getting aggravated with you for being so patient with me and calling you an idiot and worthless for tolerating me, wishing you'd slap me or something, but you'd always just love me, giving me what I don't deserve.
I'm lucky enough to have mama back after the Festival, how did I get so lucky as to gain the love of you of all people?
"Keep your stupid, perverted eyes on someone else, Kuga," I sneer, getting completely dressed, contradicting what I really want as usual, "I don't want you anymore."
"Yah think I'm going to believe that?" You demand and I just so want to smack you.
"Look," I grumble as a last resort, "Go chase after that Fujino bitch. Someone who actually wants you."
"Oi, how did Shizuru get back into the picture?" You ask, now looking startled, "Nao, firstly, she's my friend, so could you not talk about her that way? Second, because she's my friend, that's all I see her as, I've said this before. I love only you."
"Why?!" I spit out, your endless devotion to me driving me mad, "Why do you love me? I've done nothing except call you names and say that no one could ever love you. Why the fuck do you love me, of all people!"
Once it has landed on your dense mind that that is what this is about, you sigh, a slight sound of relief coming from your throat.
"Nao," You say gently, "I've told you before, I love you, more than anyone whose ever come into my life. I don't care how much of a bitch you are or act. I love you all the same."
I sigh, looking down at the ground as I'm fully dressed, "I swear, you're a masochist."
"And you are quite the sadist." You state and I can see out of the corner of my eye that you're grinning jokingly, "We're perfect for each other. Let's just see it that way."
I roll my eyes. Natsuki, you are amazing. I breathe deeply, trying to gain some control of my frustration.
I keep telling you that you are an idiot, but you always love me the same.
"I've told you before, Nao," You say calmly, "I love you. I want to stay with you. I'm going to tell you the same thing I did before, Nao, I'm going to repeat these last two years here till you're out of high school so that we can go to Fuuka College together. Even if you don't believe me, I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Why?" I grumble, feeling unable to do anything else, "You could have so much more with Fujino."
I hear a slight playful chuckle, "Ah, but Shizuru and I are just friends. I know how deeply she feels for me, but I can't feel that way back towards her. The person I love is you and only you."
Unwillingly, I close my eyes, hearing this.
I knew splitting up with her was the right thing, but as usual, I gave into the selfish desires that I always held.
"Don't leave me." I whisper, finally bending to the need I have for your love.
"I never intend to." You answer, wrapping your arms around my now shaking body and holding me close to your chest.
I find myself nuzzling into the warmth of your neck. I might not deserve your love, but I can't seem to tear myself from you either. Hell, I probably would have come back anyway after a couple of nights.
Once again, you whisper those forbidden words that I love hearing from you so much, "I love you, Nao. More than you'll ever know."
Not what, the ShizNat fans expected, I know, but I did give an angst warning at least. I sort of wanted it to startle whoever was reading it, by keeping everyone in the dark for a while that it was Natsuki and Nao.
Sorry if I severely disappointed a lot of people, just a sad plot bunny decided to pop up in my brain.
