"Rachel Berry, why didn't you tell me you were a secret agent?" The tall, sexy brunette confronted Rachel as they stood on the windy dock. Rachel nonchalantly looked out over the water, slyly looking for her escape.

"I prefer intelligence operative," Rachel said, "and l couldn't tell you until l knew you."

"Well, can l call you when l land?" The girl asked.

"You can call me, but I'll be in Peru." Rachel said, and then looked around nervously. "I said that a little loud. Come on, that's a code blue." Rachel whispered into the watch on her wrist as if there were someone on the other end listening. "We got the wolf sleeping at night. He's slipping his arm in the drawer and out comes the cookie jar. All clear. Got it?"

"Well, maybe when you get back from Peru?" The girl asked.

"I don't think that's an option, Lisa." Rachel said as she looked back out over the water.

"Linda." The girl corrected.

"I know. I changed your name for your protection." Rachel said, and the girl tilted her head. "We have to go our separate ways now."

"Well, goodbye." Linda said and leaned in for one last kiss. Rachel flinched away and hopped away.

"Got it! Moving out!" Rachel said into the watch as she jumped off the dock. She landed gracefully on the back of a jet ski manned by a tan local. She groaned and automatically regretted the landing, as she was already sore between her legs from the previous night.

"What the hell is your problem?" The man asked as he glanced back at his unexpected passenger.

"Just keep going, I'll give you fifty bucks." Rachel said and wrapped her arms around the man.

"You got it. How's your vag?" He asked.

"Killing me." Rachel said, "Hit it."


"Easy, Honah Lee." Puck said as Rachel re-stitched the stitches on his side. "Hey, I'm a person, not a seal!"

"Well, l am a vet, not a doctor. So just hold still, or l won't give you a treat." Rachel said and continued stitching.

"I know, it's okay." Puck said and cringed as blood gushed from the wound. Pucks kids gathered around the table and "ew'd" at the sight.

"You see that, kids?" Rachel said into the camera that the oldest child was holding, "You see what happens when you play with sharks?"

"Now, why you gotta spread those lies?" Puck said, "Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts. That's a good title for my documentary!" Puck looked directly at the camera seriously, "Sharks: They Only Bite When You Touch Their Private Parts."

"Or you could call it, 'Sharks: They Tried to Eat My Kidney.'" The kids and Willie the penguin waddling his way around the room all laughed.

"All right, enough already! You too, Willie! All of you!" Puck said and mumbled in Hawaiian.

"He just cast a spell on us." Rachel said and giggled, and the kids laughed too. She grabbed a tube of ointment off the counter. "All right, put this on four times a day for two weeks."

"You can handle that." Puck said, and Rachel rolled her eyes.

"What's wrong with that turtle?" Puck's youngest boy asked.

"Lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed; which is bad for you, right, Puck?" Rachel explained and Puck chuckled nervously.

"What? I don't smoke weed!" Puck denied. He sat up on the make shift hospital bed in Rachel's apartment in the aquarium for which she worked. He looked through the window into the dolphin tank to watch Mary-Kate and Ashley frolic and play in the water. "Hey, Honah Lee? How's that hot wahine nympho from Ohio?" He asked.

"Great. I dropped her off at the airport this morning." Rachel said as she put away her medical tools.

"Come on, l need some details." Puck whined. "You get some booby, some assy, come on!"

"Daddy, what's a nympho?" One of the kids asked.

"Oh. The nympho is the state bird of Ohio." Puck lied, and Rachel rolled her eyes.

"You're the state idiot of Hawaii." Rachel said and the kids laughed.

Rachel turned away from the idiot she called her best friend, and tossed a raw fish from a barrel to Willie. "Here you go. Bite the fish, chew the fish, love the fish. Enjoy."

"You crack me up, kamaaina." Puck said.

"Oh, yeah?" Rachel said.

"One of these days you'll show one of those tourists such a good time, she'll wanna stay on the island." He said.

"Why do you say mean things like that? And why is your foot on my pillow?" Rachel yelled and looked at the ashy foot print on her white pillow. Puck set his foot down and sat on the pillow instead. "I don't want your ass on it, either. Get up! Get up!"

"It could happen." Puck said and shrugged. "Then you won't be able to go on your boat trip to Alaska. You'll be stuck here, waking up next to the same old, ugly broad, just like Puck!"

The kids looked at him, not amused. "Just kidding, guys." He said.

"About the old part or the ugly part?" The youngest kid said, and Rachel and the rest laughed.

"Rachel, come quickly!" A voice called from outside the apartment, "It's Jocko!" It was Rachel's veterinary assistant Alexa. Alexa was neither male, nor female. Alexa was just sue; tall lanky blonde with leathery skin and a strong Russian accent and a love of animals.

Rachel ran out of the room and out towards the walrus environment above. "Jocko! What's going on with you, buddy?" Rachel said to the walrus lying on the rocks groaning in pain. "Don't be scared. Everything's gonna be fine. Just stay calm. All right?" Willie the penguin waddled out onto the rocks to see what all the ruckus was. "Willie, l don't need you to see this. Get out of here, now!

Alexa stood around panicking, and Rachel yelled instructions at him or her. "Okay, check the temperature of the pool. Go! Hurry!" Alexa promptly jumped into the walrus pool, drenching himself or herself.

"What are you doing?" Rachel said in disbelief, "l meant check the thermometer!" Alexa climbed out of the walrus pool and ran back to Rachel's side. "Give me a hand. Let's go!"

"Get me two fish from the barrel, now!" Rachel demanded.

"Okay." Alexa said.

"Just hang in there." Rachel whispered to Jocko.

"Here." Alexa said and handed two fish to Rachel.

"That's a little warm." Rachel said skeptically, "Go to the bottom of the barrel, please."

Alexa ran back to the barrel and dove in, grabbing two fish from the very bottom. "Okay, there. That's good. Thank you." Rachel took the fish and waved them back and forth in front of Jocko's face.

"Come on, buddy, take it. Take it." Rachel begged.

"He's not responding!" Alexa yelled desperately.

"I know, Alexa!" Rachel yelled back and slapped her with the cold fish. "Sorry l smacked you; you needed the fish-slap to calm down. Do you understand? Are you calm?"

"Yes. Fish-slap calm me." Alexa said calmly.

"I'm gonna try to get him breathing manually so l need your face next to his mouth to see if it's working." Rachel said and stood up. Alexa stood in front of the big walrus, face to face. "Are you ready?" Rachel said as she braced herself to give Jocko CPR.

"Yes." Alexa said nervously.

"One, two, three!" Rachel counted each time she pounded on the walrus's chest.

"Nothing, nothing!" Alexa said frantically.

"All right! Try it again. If it doesn't work we'll perform a tracheotomy." Rachel yelled back to her. "We don't wanna do that, so let's pray this works. One more time."

Rachel placed her hands back on Jocko's stomach. "One, two..." she pounded. Jocko opened his mouth and a shower of puke covered Alexa from head to toe.

"That's a lot of vomit." Rachel said as she looked at Alexa in disbelief.

Alexa wiped the puke from her face and smiled. "This is why l got into this business. To save sea animals."

"You should go wash yourself off, okay?" Rachel said to Alexa. "Maybe try some turpentine. That might take the stink away."

Alexa walked away shaking the vomit on her as she disappeared. Rachel danced and laughed.

"Yeah, high-five is right, buddy!" Rachel said and held her hand up to slap Jocko's fin. "I knew you were gonna burp, but the vomit thing was awesome! That's what she gets for eating my roast beef sandwich! Willie, did you see that?" The little penguin wiggled and chirped before diving into the icy water.


Captain's log:

November 4th, 9:30 a.m.

I've taken the Sea Serpent for a trip around the island of Oahu. It is by far the longest voyage she has yet undertaken and its completion will signal that she's ready for our great journey to Bristol Bay whose unspoiled walrus habitat will yield an abundance of-

"Damn it!" Rachel yelled as a piece of the mast snapped and fell into the water. "Are you kidding me?"

She dropped anchor, caught a ride to shore from a friendly passerby on a yacht, and walked up the dock to the end of a dirt road. There was a small café at the end of the road with a beautiful view of the bay. Rachel walked up, opened the creaky door and looked around. It was small, homey, and smelled like heaven. Rachel took a seat on a bar stool at the counter. A large Hawaiian woman smiled at her from the other side.

"Aloha, honey." She said, "What can l get for you?"

"I guess I'll take a cup of coffee." Rachel said and twiddled with her thumbs.

"You guess?" The woman said and sassily leaned on the counter, raising an eyebrow at the girl.

"Yeah, l already ate breakfast." Rachel said. "I need to kill some time before the Coast Guard gets here to tow my boat."

"What did you eat?" The big woman said skeptically.

"I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and some Gatorade." Rachel admitted.

"They're not breakfast!" The woman said and scribbled on her order pad. "I get you Spam and eggs. Nick!" She yelled over her shoulder as she walked away slowly, "l need Spam and eggs!"

"Hey." A big man with tattoos on his face said to Rachel through the window to the kitchen. "You like the peanut butter cups?"

"Yes." She said quietly.

"Want me to put peanut butter cups in your eggs?" He asked sarcastically.

"No, that's okay." Rachel said shyly.

"Peanut butter cups." The man mumbled and chuckled as he went back to his cooking.

"Hey, Sue, nice haircut." A soft voice said from behind Rachel, and she couldn't help but turn and stare.

"Mahalo, Quinn." The big woman said as she set a plate of waffles down in front of the dainty blonde. Rachel couldn't take her eyes off the girl. Her short blonde hair was pulled back by a girly beret that matched her ballet flats. The yellow sundress she wore lay neatly across her lap under her napkin. She began cutting the waffles into neat pieces and stacking them, one on top of the other.

"Are you staring at me or her?" The old man sitting next to Rachel asked her, "Because you're starting to freak me out.

"Settle down and eat your pancakes." Rachel said sassily to him as she turned back around to take one last look at the girl.