Author's Note: So it's like you were going to watch all your favorite scenes... only they're in episodes that haven't aired yet. You'll get some "Previously On"s to fill the gaps then you'll get all the good scenes in the Melissa and Joey love story line. I have never ever written sitcom fanfic, and I am by no means a master of comedy writing, but I love these characters and I hope they'll still sound like them even without the joke-a-second lines the real show has. This story contains spoilers from What Happens in Jersey. In fact, it picks up where Part 2 left off. Let me know if I should give up while I'm ahead or if you'd maybe like to read more :)


JOE (V.O.)
Previously, on Melissa and Joey...

INT. JOE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Joe is throwing random belongings into a cardboard box.
Lennox and Ryder burst in.

LENNOX
Hey, what happened?

JOE
What happened? What happened is I'm
an idiot. I thought I could come in
here like some fairy tale hero and
sweep Mel off her feet when the
truth is... she already has her own
personal... Prince Charming.

He continues to toss stuff into the box.

RYDER
Wait. Back up. I'm confused.

Lennox and Joe look at him.

RYDER
Where did you get that huge box?

Lennox rolls her eyes.

LENNOX
And, more importantly, do you
really think running away is going
to solve anything?

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Mel and Joe fight a tug-o-war over his box.

MEL
Austin came over here all on his
own. I didn't call him. I didn't
ask him here. He just showed up.

JOE
Great. Lucky you.

MEL
He just hit me with this news that
he wants to have a family. With me.

JOE
Awesome. Cool. Let go of my box.

He tugs and the box falls to the floor, spilling random
belongings. They both bend over to collect them.

JOE
Nice job, Burke.

MEL
Me? I'm the one who was holding on
to the box. You're the one who
pulled it away.

JOE
No, I was holding; you were pulling.

MEL
Fine, whatever. Can we please talk?
Will you please just listen?

JOE
To what? The sound of you breaking
my heart? No, thanks.

Mel stops picking stuff up. She stares at him. He also looks
surprised that he's said it.

MEL
That's not funny, Joe.

He looks down into the repacked box.

JOE
Trust me, I'm aware.

She's speechless. He looks her in the eye again.

JOE
Goodbye, Mel.

Joe storms out of the kitchen. Mel doesn't move.

CUT TO:

INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY

Joe, with a whole lot of stubble and wearing a sloppy track
suit, stands with a cart talking to Austin, looking as clean
cut and put together as ever.

AUSTIN
So it was nice to run into you like
this. Mel has hired and fired four
housekeepers since you left-

JOE
I've only been gone a month.

AUSTIN
Exactly. So if you ever want a job
again, I'm sure Mel would-

JOE
You know, man, I don't think that's
going to happen.

Austin nods. A beat as he reaches into this pocket and pulls
out a ring box.

AUSTIN
Check this out.

Austin opens the box to reveal a big, sparkly engagement
ring. Joe's jaw drops a little. Austin grins.

AUSTIN
I'm proposing. Tonight. I got
reservations at that fancy little
Greek place Mel loves.

Joe stares at him, shocked.

CUT TO:

INT. FANCY LITTLE GREEK RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Austin and Mel sit at a table. Austin gets down on one knee.
Joe walks in just in time to see...

AUSTIN
Melanie Burke, will you marry me?

FADE OUT

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - DAY

Super: Two and a Half Months Later...

The studio apartment is a wreck. Unpacked boxes lay all
around. Take out boxes litter the kitchen counter. Clothes
are strewn about a bed in the background. In the foreground,
a couch and TV hold papers and folders.

Joe sits on the couch with a laptop next to him. He looks
terrible. He wears a bathrobe and has grown out a (ick) full
beard. A ding on his computer signals an email. He reaches
over and types for a few seconds then closes the laptop.

He digs down deep into the couch cushions and pulls out the
TV remote. He switches it on to catch some theme music.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Thank you for joining us today for
The Young and the Beautiful.

The theme music swells.

MAN (O.S.)
Run away with me.

WOMAN (O.S.)
What about my fiancé?

MAN (O.S.)
He could never love you the way
that I love you.

Joe snarls and cuts off the TV then shoves the remote deeper
into the couch. He pulls out a stick of half eaten beef
jerky. He takes a bite. A knock sounds at his door.

JOE
No one's home.

Another pounding.

JOE
I said-

LENNOX (O.S.)
Joe? It's Lennox-

RYDER (O.S.)
And Ryder.

LENNOX (O.S.)
Let us in. Now.

Joe looks at the door, but doesn't move. He takes another
bite of jerky and chews defiantly.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Ryder and Lennox stand in front of the door.

LENNOX
Come on, Joe.

She bangs again.

LENNOX
Let us in.

RYDER
Or we'll...

He looks to Lennox who raises her eyebrows.

RYDER
Or we'll come back later.

Lennox groans at his lame threat.

LENNOX
Let us in or we'll... unleash
plague and pestilence.

The door opens. Joe stands before them, his bathrobe falling
open to reveal a white tank top and sweats.

JOE
(points to Ryder)
You, too mild.
(points to Lennox)
And, you? Too much. Way too much.
Plague and pestilence? Seriously?

LENNOX
Whatever, Unibomber, just tell us
what you've done with Joe or find
out what other apocalyptic horsemen
I've got on speed dial.

Lennox pushes past him and drags Ryder into the apartment.
Joe closes the door as the siblings turn to him.

RYDER
Seriously, dude, this is not a good
look for you. It's like Jersey
Shore meets-

LENNOX
Duck Dynasty. Ew.

JOE
Okay. If the two of you are done,
my stories are just starting so-

LENNOX
Your what now?

JOE
My stories. My shows.

Lennox glances at Ryder who shrugs.

RYDER
Oh... I think he means soap operas.

LENNOX
Soaps? You're watching soaps? This
is even worse than I thought.

RYDER
Now that you're gone, I'm home
alone all day, too, man, but you
still wouldn't catch me watching a
soap opera.

LENNOX
That's because we're too busy
catching you watching porn.

RYDER
I don't... that isn't... Can we
just focus on Joe and that giant
animal living on his face?

Joe scratches his bears and rolls his eyes.

LENNOX
Right. Joe, you and your furry
friend need to have a seat.

Joe shakes his head, but when Lennox takes a menacing step
toward him, he sits down on the couch. Lennox sits next to
him and faces him. Ryder positions himself on the couch arm.

LENNOX
(to Ryder)
Ready?

Ryder nods and pulls a scrap of paper out of his pocket.

RYDER
Joe, your moving out two and a half
months ago has negatively affected
my life in the following ways...

JOE
What? An intervention?! Don't you
think this is a little excessive?

LENNOX
Joe, it's Ryder's turn to talk.

JOE
(flippant, to Ryder)
Oh, sorry... you were saying...
you're so miserable because...

RYDER
(reading)
While you've been in touch by
email, your participation in my
education as an actual person and
teacher was invaluable to me.

JOE
Ryder, without me there, you
actually got ahead on your work.

LENNOX
Let him finish, Joe.

Joe folds his arms.

RYDER
Without the nourishment your
cooking provided, I'm practically
wasting away.

JOE
Oh, I don't know. It looks like
you've put on a couple pounds to
me.

RYDER
Because all Aunt Mel feeds us is
pizza!

LENNOX
Literally.

RYDER
Every night.

JOE
Wow, sounds like every teenager's
worst nightmare.

Ryder looks down at his paper.

RYDER
And just, in general, I really miss
having you around, man.

Joe sighs, touched.

JOE
I miss you, too, buddy, but-

LENNOX
Okay, my turn. When we first met,
Joe, you could get any girl you
wanted and... you usually did.

Joe chuckles and nods.

JOE
Yeah, I did. Wait, did?

LENNOX
Then, at some point, you fell for
Aunt Mel, and suddenly you started
overlooking all those other women
and sabotaging every relationship
that presented itself. And not just
yours. Hers, too.

JOE
I wouldn't say I sabotaged-

LENNOX
Whether you'd say it or not... you
still did it. And then... you "did
it." You know, with Aunt Mel.

Lennox and Ryder both shudder.

JOE
Okay... that's so inappropriate.

RYDER
And gross.

LENNOX
You know what else is inappropriate
and gross? You ditching Aunt Mel...
without ever telling her how you
really feel.

JOE
Felt. How I really felt.

LENNOX
If it were "felt," you wouldn't
need this intervention.

RYDER
And you wouldn't have that beard.

JOE
Hey, it's Lennox's time to talk.

Ryder rolls his eyes.

LENNOX
I know she hurt you by getting back
together with Austin on the same
night you were ready to give her
your heart, but... it's her loss.

RYDER
And your face's gain... but not in
a good way.

JOE
Okay with the beard jokes!

LENNOX
She's the one who screwed up, Joe.
Aunt Mel chose the wrong guy.

RYDER
And now we're all suffering because
of her bad decision.

LENNOX
So, Joe, will you accept this gift
we're giving you today?

JOE
Uh... what gift?

Joe looks around.

RYDER
Us.

JOE
Wait, what?

LENNOX
Well, we were going to try to
convince you to move back in-

JOE
Not going to happen.

LENNOX
But we realized that probably
wasn't going to happen so-

RYDER
We want to live with you.

JOE
What?! Guys, no. No.

LENNOX
Why not? I'll be eighteen in a few
months. And I looked it up. As his
sibling, I can petition for custody
of Ryder. We don't need Aunt Mel.

JOE
Even if I thought Mel would let
that happen-

LENNOX
It's not her choice.

JOE
Look around. This place isn't even
big enough for me...

LENNOX
We could get a new place.

JOE
I'm barely paying for this
apartment with my online tutoring
jobs. You really think I can afford
to take care of you two-

LENNOX
I'm going to college in Toledo.

JOE
But-

LENNOX
I got a full scholarship.

JOE
That's great! Wow, Lennox-

LENNOX
It includes a housing allowance-

JOE
For a dorm.

LENNOX
For on- or off-campus housing.

RYDER
And I could just stick with home
school. All the time I spend
sitting around bored at home-

LENNOX
I.e., watching porn.

RYDER
(ignoring her)
I could be working part time.

JOE
Guys, I'm flattered. I'm honored.
But Mel loves you and-

LENNOX
And you love her. If she can break
your heart, we have no problem
breaking hers.

JOE
I actually never said I loved
her...

LENNOX
Well, you're free to deny it.

She folds her arms and stares him down. He is silent.

LENNOX
That's what I thought.

JOE
Whatever my feelings are or
aren't... were or weren't... that
doesn't mean I would ever try to
take you guys from Mel.

RYDER
She's so focused on planning her
wedding to Austin the automaton,
she probably wouldn't even notice
we're gone.

JOE
Planning her wedding?

Lennox nods.

JOE
They just got engaged.

LENNOX
Two months ago.

JOE
Sure, but aren't people usually
engaged for, like, years?

RYDER
They're getting married in two
weeks, Joe.

JOE
Two weeks? That's so... quick.

RYDER
Yeah, well, you know what they say:
first comes love, then comes
marriage, then comes-

Lennox elbows Ryder. He suppresses a moan of pain. They
exchange a look.

JOE
What? What's that look for.

Lennox glares at Ryder. Ryder nods to Joe.

LENNOX
Okay... Uh...

Lennox puts her hands gently on Joe's.

LENNOX
I think Aunt Mel may be-

RYDER
Lennox found a pregnancy test in
Aunt Mel's bathroom when she snuck
in to look for-

LENNOX
Not important.

JOE
Went in to look for what?

LENNOX
Lady items.

RYDER
Condoms.

Another elbow hits Ryder.

JOE
What? No. No, no, no. I thought
Zander was out-

RYDER
Now he's back in. If you know what
I mean.

LENNOX
Inappropriate!

JOE
And gross.

Lennox turns around and punches Ryder in the stomach. He
keels forward.

RYDER
Come on, Joe. I need you around to
protect me from abuse like this
from my future guardian.

JOE
You know, could we just rewind this
entire conversation to when I
opened the door? Except this time,
instead of talking and telling me
things, can one of you-preferably
Lennox because I actually want to
get knocked out-could one of you
just find a baseball bat and hit me
really hard right in the back of my
head? I mean, Mel's probably
pregnant; Lennox is trying not to
be. The latter is good and all, but
the former is...

Joe sighs and stands up. He puts hands on each of the kids'
backs, leading them up and to the door.

JOE
I think I'd like a little time
alone. I just... I have some stuff
I need to think about.

LENNOX
And some hair you need to shave?

RYDER
And some lasagna you need to cook
and freeze for my future enjoyment?

JOE
Bye.

Joe pushes them out the door. When it closes, they look at
one another.

RYDER
Think it was enough?

LENNOX
If he shaves, I'll consider it a
victory.

Ryder nods in agreement as the pair exits.

FADE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK