Forever Close
The idea occurred to me on Christmas night and I couldn't fall asleep until I wrote on paper the words that were dancing in my head. Two days later I finished the first chapter of what I hope will be an extended story. Now, convinced by my cousin, I put this on the site, but with my pessimism I don't expect anyone to read it. Anyway…the story is from Edward's perspective and takes place after he leaves Bella in New Moon. He is unable to handle anyone's presence and loneliness seems to be his only choice, but Alice doesn't accept this decision and makes everything possible to get him back.
Well…I suppose this isn't enough for a preview but I think that everything I'll say from now on will contain information from the next chapters. I hope that it won't be considered too bad, if somebody will read it.
Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own anything. Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter 1: Painful speed
"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
This was the last promise I'd made her, a promise that shattered all my being, a promise that was stinging painfully in my dead heart. This was something that I could never fulfill and still I had to. My life with Bella was over and my existence was meaningless. Even if I was desperately longing to come back to her and implore her forgiveness I knew that my presence in her life was a catastrophic danger. I had to stay away and let her have a happy human life. I was sure that after she would forget me she could be happy, happy as I could never be again.
"Take care of yourself," I begged her, seeing her eyes for the last time and then I was running. Far away from her sobs and tears, away from my soul. I had no soul anymore. That if I'd ever had one. My world was falling apart piece by piece; any sense of existing was disappearing from my mind. I was empty. All I could feel was pain. I was still running, faster and faster, at a painful speed, but I didn't notice anything around me. If I had stopped even for one second all would have been in vain…her pain and my pain. Knowing that I'd caused her pain by leaving was destroying my will, almost convincing me to return. But no. This was the end of everything.
I took notice of my surroundings when I was already out of Forks and I couldn't hear or smell her…when I couldn't feel her anymore. I knelt beside a tree and let the misery have me. I was in no condition to face my family and I didn't want to either. I knew very well that they were suffering too, but I couldn't make myself feel sorry for them. Selfish as I was I let the pain overwhelm me.
It was pain as nobody had ever felt before. Pain that was consuming me second by second. It was torturing every cell of my numb body, burning my death heart, tearing apart my soul. I knew the time wouldn't make any difference for me. The time will be against me. I was immortal and I had to bear my loss eternally just that I didn't have any intention to live after Bella died. Human nature doesn't offer more that one hundred years to live and that in extremely rare cases. When the time would be up for her I would follow despite the fact that I couldn't reunite with her. I had no place in heaven. That was for sure.
If I could trade this for a walk in hell I would most willingly do it. For once the fires of hell would have appeared like sparkles of heaven. My pain was nothing imaginable.
The night was falling coldly on my shoulders, but I remained motionless without breathing. Why breathing when I had no reason to live anymore, when everything was black and cold, even for me? Why breathing when I couldn't inhale the most fragrant perfume of all. I was numb even if I could feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. Probably it was Alice wanting to know how Bella took the news or Esme wanting to convince me to give up. I couldn't speak with either of them.
Long hours passed after the phone had rung for the last time. The sun was rising but not for me. Worms and spiders were crawling up my body and I didn't care. Nothing had importance to me; nothing could move me from this place…just the thought of Bella showing up. When had she been predictable? Never. It wasn't impossible for her to appear here and any sight of her would have been enough to forget the danger I represented for her.
Trembling, I rose to my feet and I looked once more towards Forks where she was and where I was forbidden to come back. Unconsciously, I sprang into an insane run exactly like the one when I left her in the forest. Everything was a blur around me, nothing had color anymore, nothing could hold my interest in this miserable existence of mine. I had no idea of where I was heading to and I couldn't concentrate about that either.
The wind was blowing hard in my face, signaling that the rows of trees soon would become rarefied and the forest would remain behind me like a veil of broken dreams. An inexplicable voice in my head cautioned me to slow down and walk at a human pace. It was deserted everywhere I looked, that meaning in my front, but it seemed that the responsibility of protecting my family's secret remained inside me. I slowed down as the voice warned me and I kept walking along the road. Without my consent, my mind began choosing the places most appropriate to go and none was near my family. I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't let them see me in this state. They were suffering enough without seeing the wreck I'd become. I wasn't about to add more to their already vast sufferings.
As my decision took a solid form the phone rang again, now with no intention to stop. I took it out from my pocket and on the screen was written Alice's name. Sure enough she had seen when I decided to split up our ways and apparently she wanted to hinder my attempts. I didn't need to be near her to read her mind, I already knew what she was thinking and so I was confident that I was aware of the reason of her insistent calling.
I pressed on the green button as I lifted the phone to my ear and a wave of astonishment caught me. Her voice wasn't irritated and eager to know about Bella…ahh, I couldn't stop the mental wince…but anxious and understanding, loving even.
"Edward…" she said as if trying to make sure that she was talking to me, "stop that. You have to come back to us. You can't go anywhere else. It won't be any good for any of us. Please stop thinking these stupidities."
"I can't…you don't deserve…" My voice broke and my legs quivered till I fell, face down on the ground. I was perfectly right that I couldn't face them. I was almost afraid to do it.
"Stop the car, Alice!" I heard Emmett yelling from around her and then again her voice was in my ear.
"Don't move, Edward! Stay where you are. We're coming for you."
"Don't, Alice, don't. I can't be around anyone…" It was excruciatingly painful to speak. Every word was knocking me down, every word said aloud made the knowledge of losing Bella to sink in even further. To rip me.
"Too late…Em is on his way and I'll arrive fifteen minutes after him." She was trying to distract me, to help me go through this, but she should've known better than that. They were coming to rescue a man who didn't want to be rescued, a monster who was carrying out the punishment of loving the most adorable human being.
"You shouldn't…" I finally gasped.
"It appears that you get me wrong. I don't do this for obligation's sake, Edward. I do it for you. Because I love you…we all do."
Then there was silence.
The guilt was pulsing through my veins. I hadn't thought for one minute that they would give me any attention after what I'd forced them to do. Especially Alice. Besides me, maybe she was the most affected by my decision. She loved Bella too and she left her as well because of me. It stuck in my mind the memory of Alice trying to persuade me, to show me all the facets of the problem. And still I rejected every argument she'd given me.
"Edward," she'd told me, just days before, "you won't be able to stay away from her. You know that. Why leaving if it's impossible to fulfill what you have in mind?"
"No, Alice it's not. I have to go away even if my heart remains behind. I can't hurt her anymore."
"But, for God's sake, Edward, you are not hurting her. You saved her life time and time again…"
"And every time was my fault that she was in danger. Alice can't you see? My very existence is a danger for her."
"And she loves you. How in the world do you imagine she will pass over it? You will hurt her by leaving not by staying."
She had been right but what options had I had? Living with me seemed to be impossible even if I loved her like no one had ever dared to love before. Transforming her into the monster I was just to be able to keep her for all the eternity and never let her go was inconceivable. Leaving was the most suitable decision that I could think of. Without my interference in her life she should be safe.
Arguing with Alice hadn't made it better because she had been showing me every reason to stay. Yet, for every of her reasons I'd had an answer. Or almost for everyone.
"She will suffer at first but time will heal her wounds and eventually she will forget me and meet someone who can make her truly happy." I had spoken the words through gritted teeth. It was unbearable to think of someone else holding her, whispering to her I love you.
"Do you even listen to yourself? How can you say that? You speak like you don't know her. She will never forget you, Edward."
"She's just human…"
"That doesn't mean she will forget you. That doesn't even mean she will believe your lies."
But she had believed each and every one of my lies there in the woods. With astonishing fastness she had thought that I didn't love her anymore. Like I could survive without breathing her in.
"I will make my best to convince her."
She had pleaded with me for hours and hours before her eyes dropped to the ground and her hands laid crossed in her lap. Something was wrong with her and her mind was blank until she finally spoke again.
"It's Jazz, isn't it? You are mad that he lost control of himself?"
"Alice…" I had tried to stop her.
"You know that he didn't want to. That was stronger than he could be, Edward. And after all we stopped him. Bella is alright."
"No, Alice it's not that."
"Don't lie to me. You know as well as I do that after that scene you made your mind in one way or another to change something. And this change is because of Jazz."
"This change is because I'm a danger for her. Because she can't be safe and untroubled with me by her side."
"Fine then…we will leave. Me and Jasper will leave if that makes things right, but you don't have to leave her."
"No…" I couldn't stop myself to hug her. If she had been able to cry she definitely would have. It had surprised me to see this reaction from her but that was not the right thing to do.
"At least let her have a word to say in this matter…"
"She has no word to say, Alice. Or do you think she will agree with our departure?"
"No, of course not. And I'm counting on that."
"I'm doing the best for her."
"And what's best for you?" she had yelled, trembling in front of me.
"That doesn't matter. And you will leave tomorrow. I'll stay behind to say goodbye."
"You'll stay behind to lie to her."
"And if I tell her the truth, will it be better? Will I ever be able to leave?"
"There's no need to leave…"
"Enough, Alice…" I had dismissed her with my hand and she'd known that it was enough.
She hadn't convinced me to stay in Forks and I could tell that she had been angry with me and yet she was the one coming to save me from my solitary misery.
I could hear the wind whooshing around Emmett as he ran toward me. I could hear his thoughts. For once his joyful mind and ludicrous thoughts were concerned.
"It will be OK. Esme will take care of you. Maybe after a while you will find someone else…or at least you'll come back."
I've barely had time to lift from the ground and face the opposite direction from where Emmett was coming that he was already calling my name. I was coward enough to let him approach me first. I didn't want to show my new appearance willingly. His footsteps drew near and hesitating he called my name again. This time with a supportive tone.
"Edward, bro…" He ran out of words as he faced me. I could see my face in his mind and it surprised me to see how bad I looked. Of course my aspect was not even close to how I was inside, but it was bad enough for anyone to see. Especially for my family.
He threw his hand over my shoulders, holding me tight, like he was trying to keep me in one piece. It was astounding to see Emmett so serious. I tried to walk along the road with him, but it seemed that my fuel was flowing out of me.
"It will be OK. Alice is on her way. She will be here at any moment." I knew it was hard for him, but he was doing his best. Seeing that I was incapable to respond or to even have a reaction he let the silence float between us. It might have been better if I hadn't been a freak who was hearing every thought that was passing through his mind.
We waited for Alice to arrive and, as she promised, fifteen minutes after Emmett had found me, she was rushing out from Carlisle's car towards me with her hands outstretched. She grabbed me in a strong hug and directed me to the car. I heard her reassuring thoughts, but I couldn't find it in me to thank her. To thank them both. I was exhausted. The life was drained out of me.
I kept the silence between us and they didn't break it. At least not verbal. Their minds were full of worry which I didn't deserve. I could see my face in Alice's thoughts and unfortunately she could perceive much more than Emmett had. My features were screwed in an aching grimace and trying as I may, I couldn't make them look smooth. I was stubbornly avoiding her gaze, looking out the window, without seeing, without feeling, just realizing that I was really leaving the only place that I could call home.
Alice was holding my head in her lap, with her hands embracing my shoulders and looking deep into my face. She was trying to block me out from her mind singing a beautiful song in ancient Greek, but it was hard not to slip when she was so disquieted. I wanted to tell her to stop worrying about me, but I couldn't find my voice. I was nothing. I didn't deserve anyone's concerns.
From time to time she would hold me tighter, caressing my arms and my cheeks with feverish love.
"You'll find a solution to all this and you will be happy again. You have to be. And I'll be here supporting you through everything. I'll make you smile again. So help me God I will. Even if it is the last thing I'll ever do. I will have my brother back."
She was not even mad at me. She was actually trying to make me feel better. So Alice, to make plot after plot for my heart's rescue. I didn't know if I will ever be able to recompense her love and devotion.
Emmett had been driving for a long time when I heard him thinking "We're getting close now…30 more minutes and we are there." Alice seemed to respond to his thoughts raising her head, probably for the first time, and looked out the window.
"25 minutes" she thought with certainty, "We're heading to Denali…to Tanya's."
I knew she was informing me but the news didn't have any importance. Maybe it was accelerating my rupture from them. If I couldn't handle being in my family's presence, how was I supposed to handle Tanya's clan too? Immediately Alice's head turned, her eyes flickering on my face. She must have seen that. How hard it was to hurt her even more, but I didn't intend to stay too long. I had to be alone. I didn't need an audience for drowning in my pain.
Trees buried in snow were left behind us and the landscape that I'd once considered beautiful seemed to me just an extension of my cold body, a metaphor for my emptiness. The car came to a halt and none of us dared to disturb the tormenting silence.
