Summary: Sam's thoughts during Swan Song. He's using your hands to kill your brother and the only thing you can do is curse the devil that did this to you while he smiles and asks you 'now doesn't this feel better Sammy? Don't you feel whole now?'
Characters/Pairings: None. Sam, Dean, Lucifer, Michael, Adam, Bobby, Castiel.
Disclaimer: not mine.
Author's note: I think maybe I'm a little masochistic.
Word Count: 544
You hear something crack as your fist lands an impossibly powerful punch. You're trapped in your own head, screaming and begging for the Devil to please just stop because oh god he's my brother. You thought you were strong enough to take control for just a few seconds and now you're laughing a hysteric laugh-how could you be so naïve? Lucifer is an archangel and you're just the boy with the demon blood. The abomination.
But still you scramble for a thought, for a foothold in the Devil's mental cage so that you can boost yourself up and stop beating Dean to a bloody pulp. You already watched Castiel explode, and that was all your fault because you were weak and it was your fingers that snapped the command. You scream when Bobby's neck snaps but Lucifer just ignores you, tucking you away in the corner like a child who has earned a time-out due to bad behavior.
All at once you're struck by how unfair this whole situation is. You didn't ask for Azazel to make you this way, you didn't ask to be tricked and lied to and manipulated like a fucking puppet. You didn't ask for all your friends and family to die, you didn't ask for Jessica to die, you didn't ask for all the worthlessness you felt and the guilt you deserve from all your mistakes and your inability to save lives.
If you had fists they'd be pounding at the walls of your head. If you had eyes, tears of desperation and frustration would be leaking out of them. But you have neither and the only thing you can do is curse the devil that did this to you while he smiles and asks you 'now doesn't this feel better Sammy? Don't you feel whole now?'
But then something changes, and Dean's words reach you. Not just Lucifer, but you, and somehow you have a surge of strength and the cage holding you captive in your own mind shatters.
(It's okay Sammy I'm here I won't leave you)
You stumble back and the next few moments are a blur. You find the rings in your pocket and you throw them to the cemetery grounds, chanting words you don't remember having learned. The hole is dark and endless and radiates power that burns under your skin yet somehow you feel…unafraid.
(It's going to be okay Dean I've got him you're going to be okay)
You take one last long look at your brother, because in every eternity you'll never see him again and maybe you think you are a little afraid, but only for his sake because you know your sacrifice has to mean something, maybe not for the world, but for the person who only ever really mattered.
Michael tries to stop you but you know now you'll have to drag him down too in order for everyone to be truly safe. You send a quick prayer to God that Adam's soul is safe in heaven but you know it's a long shot because God hasn't listened to your prayers in a long time.
You look back at Dean. You grab Michael's (Adam's) shirt and pull.
Then you jump.
You can't bring yourself to regret a thing.
