Well, I haven't published anything in years. I moved away from my hometown and started going to university and ... things have just changed. But, I've missed this, I've missed writing and since my school work has barely permitted me to any for a really long time, I figured I'd take my recently free summer to do some pleasurable writing. I'm going to give this a shot. This story is told from Haley's perspective, and it completely AU. Honestly, this story is true... it describes the difficult yet rewarding past year I've had. I figured someone needed to hear this from my point of view for once, so give me your best shot ;)
I've heard people talk about these things, these situations. I've been by my friends' sides as they cried and talked about how it was impossible to live without him. I've laughed at how crazy it sounded and I've honestly been a little annoyed. I've been dumped before, I've had people walk out of my life for no reason at all. But I have never felt this way before. They were all right: all of my friends who described it and everyone who told me to stop before this had happened. But I never thought it would happen like this. I never thought a simple text message would leave me sitting in the middle of Peyton's bedroom aching because of what could have been pure heartache, or shame. I was so ashamed. This was the moment that changed me, the moment that I knew I'd be a different person, or at least I'd make people see I wasn't this person. This was my punishment because it was true that what I had done was my fault, and I deserved every last ounce of this heartache. I wasn't a good person anymore, this city had changed me... it was now clear.
Two Months Earlier
"I am SO exciting you're going to be living with me. Honestly, this is about to become the best semester we can imagine!" Brooke squealed. I had never seen her so happy, and I had never been this happy myself. After spending fifteen months in a small dusty community college I had come to the realization that there was more waiting for me in life than a demanding dentist with high expectations of his ever obedient assistant. I honestly can't remember why I ever thought that such a job was for me, but I was really hoping university life would point me in a new direction. I felt relieved and exciting and terrifying. I was fearless. And fearless was strong, because fearless meant living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Okay, sure, I adopted the saying from Taylor Swift... I think... but it made sense for me at the time. I wanted to be fearless. I wanted to do things that I never dreamed I'd do. I wanted to stop being a small town, do-good girl and I wanted to become a carefree, easy going girl, not from Tree Hill, from everywhere. I wanted to see things and be things. I didn't want to be Haley James anymore. I wanted to be ... well... that was still being decided.
I smiled as Brooke bounced around our apartment, putting up pictures and kicking around boxes. Brooke was carefree. Brooke had a great attitude about life and most importantly, she was the kind of person I wanted to be but never could. "Not excited, James?" she glared at me after I realized she had been rambling on and on about how fantastic this year together would be. She was talking about boys and parties and ... the mall, it seemed.
"Of course I'm excited. I'm just somewhat nervous." I admitted. Brooke kicked a box out of her way and made room for herself amongst the pile of things on my bed. I was being prepped for a classic Brooke Davis pep talk, I could tell.
"Listen here, Haley James. You can be nervous, and scared and whatever you want to be. It is completely normal. But don't dare think that you can't handle this place. California isn't Tree Hill, and I have a feeling we're going to see a side of you that we've never seen before." She winked at me, and smiled a crooked smile that she knew could get her whatever she wanted. As soon as that dimple was flashed, you were completely at Brooke's disposal, everyone knew it.
"What if it's not a good side of me?" I worried aloud.
"There are only good sides of you James, don't worry. I have your back and I won't let anything go wrong. You're going to be fine, we're going to be fine, and we're going to have a great year. So get off your scrawny little butt and help me unpack this crap." She bounced up again and disappeared squeezed behind the pile of boxes that were blocking the doorway.
I squinted as I stepped out into the sun. There was nothing more refreshing after unpacking boxes upon boxes of things you only pack two days ago, than standing in a wide open area with a fresh breeze in a place where you could be whoever you wanted. I was enjoying the quiet until Brooke's high pitched squeal sent shivers down my spine and a pain in back as she leaped onto it screaming about the beach and the sun and her new bikini. It was amazing how different we were: I was enjoying the fresh air and sunlight because of the quiet solitude I was appreciating, while Brooke was dying to hit the beach and start prowling on the town boys. It was one of the many reasons she was my best friend. She was like my alter ego, the person I wish I could be, but my worrying mind and deafening self conscious always got in the way. I simply lived vicariously through her, and sat on the side lines.
The beach was exactly how I'd imagined it would be. There were bodies scattered everywhere. Slim, tanned bodies. The music was blasting and I had to avoid a beach ball hitting my face on several occasions. I suddenly realized just how out of place I really was. My pale and what I felt was a plump body didn't hold a candle to these. These girls were beautiful. The sunlight and heat was making my hair fuzzy and my skin blotchy. My body wasn't reacting to the change from Tree Hill weather to this blistering California climate well, it was evident.
As I nervously looked for a place to lounge, Brooke was already stripped down to her bikini and chatting with a handsome surfer. A threw down my bag and towel and nervously tugged at the edges of my shorts as I sat down and attempted to be invisible. Then it hit me, this is what the old Haley would do. This is what I came here to avoid. I may be pale and a little plump right now, but I'm sure a lot of these girls started off just like me. Everyone has a story, and mine was just about to unfold. My fingers shaking, I unbuttoned my jean shorts and let them fall to my ankles. Before I knew it, I was just as exposed as the rest of these girls and ready to begin my transformation. A little sceptical as I saw a group of girls stare at me, I debated putting my clothes back on and running far and fast. But seeing a curly blond sitting in her t shirt and shorts, with a sketch pad on her lap next to me, I realized that maybe I wasn't the only girl around without sweet sun kissed skin and a thirst for lust and excitement. Maybe I wasn't completely alone.
"Scary place, huh?" The blond smiled. I smiled back and nodded, and squinted around, trying to take in the whole picture.
"Will it ever stop being scary, you think?" I whimpered back.
"I've been here my whole life, and it still terrifies me, so I think that is something you'll have to figure out on your own." She laughed and stood up by me, her hand about her eyes to shield the sun. I noticed the sketch pad on the ground, filled with sketches of beautiful beach bodies without faces. Meaningful? Symbolic? The truth? Probably. "I'm Peyton, by the way. Sawyer." She smiled and shook my hand. Shaking back, I glanced down again at the sketch pad. All those people without faces. Without personalities, would I become one?
"Haley James." I nodded back, "and that girl there," I pointed at Brooke who was flashing those dimples at the smiling surfer, "that's my best friend Brooke."
"She is going to fit in here really well, I think." Peyton laughed.
