Tony's failed attempt at quitting
A/N: In Australia, there is something of a delay in how quickly we get new NCIS episodes (sigh). I only just watched the Secrets episode and its treatment of Tony intrigued me. How to angle it as a Tibbs also intrigued me. And then I watched Need to Know while this idea was sort of buzzing around so I decided to make an attempt at combining the two. Paraphrasing from the episodes because I won't be using quotes as I didn't write it down while watching. Have not read anything on this (not that it may not exist, it probably does).
This is an exercise in improving my writing a little from lack of use recently and because it was an interesting idea of sorts, which sort of ended up exceeding my expectations. I don't know if you can tell, but I sort of got stuck with certain scenes, particularly once I started on the Gibbs/Tony confrontation parts 1 and 2. I ended up digging my way out of those holes and yet I feel the flow of the story is not that great because of the blockage and yet I have no other solutions in regards to improving it...especially since I ended up using the cliché of Tony leaving some sort of evidence about himself for Gibbs to find.
Written on the fly and unBETAed.
Written a few months ago, posted now.
Oneshot.
Spoilers: Season 9, up to the Need to Know episode. A working knowledge of all seasons previous to Season 9 assists with context but not entirely necessary.
Tony/Gibbs SLASH. Also, apparently my Gibbs is out of character, so I have been informed. Go figure. My Gibbs isn't actually talking more than he does on the show, but he has a sort of rambling inner monologue as he deals with new information. If this is out of character, ok fine, but I like to think Gibbs is a lot more talkative in his own head. I certainly am more talkative in my mind. Either way, so sue me.
Tony paced up and down in his apartment, clenching his fists periodically as his brow crinkled in thought.
"I wasn't ready for the one. Now I am."
"When are you going to tell her you love her, Tony?"
"You used to be a romantic, Tony."
"She said you were the most honest person she knew. To others. Except to yourself. She said you were very good at lying to yourself."
Ziva and Wendy's voices echoed in his head and heart, reverberating and striking deep down where he could no longer lie to himself. This was exactly why he hadn't wanted them anywhere near each other, hadn't wanted them to talk about him and hadn't wanted some amazingly observant women to discuss him and his faults. Especially since these observant women had had ample opportunity to see him during some of his tougher moments, moments where he had allowed some vulnerability to escape his control and replace his usually mischievous mask. Ah, what the hell. The mask had been slipping for years and what's worse, he knew it.
Tony turned sharply and knocked into the coffee table. Cursing and hoping around, cradling his stubbed toe, he wondered if it was a sign. Some higher power telling him to give it up, that to continue hiding when so many of his masks had been shed was a futile exercise at best. He hobbled to the couch and sat, no longer holding his toe. That the apartment was steadily becoming darker as the night crept in, casting shadows and rubbing against his furniture and the walls of the room like a purring, content cat did not bother him, not with glow of a full moon giving him enough light to know he wasn't alone in the darkness. It was an empty comfort because he was alone. Alone, so very alone with only the moon as his Lady and his problems to warm his bed on cold nights while he waited for the equally cold light of dawn and a new case to fill his waking hours.
Tony shook his head, wondering about the morose direction his thoughts had taken. Time to be a tad more productive than sitting around thinking about cold nights when there was the more pressing sharpness in his heart caused by today's activities. He had many good things in his life. A good job...wonderful colleagues he considered friends, almost family. Especially dear Abby, but it would be foolish not to realise that Ziva's comments, mixed with the sad, understanding look in her dark eyes came from a place of caring.
Tony stood up and moved only so much as to grab a pencil and a piece of paper from his a desk in the corner of the room before moving back to couch and the coffee table. Carefully, he wrote a simple title.
Tony's masks
He contemplated this for a minute before he began, slowly but surely to consider himself as he was and who he made himself to be like. Time to stop lying to himself in order to lie to the rest of the world...
Never takes anything seriously. That I don't care
Words can't hurt me
Womaniser, dates every other weekend
Frat boy, drinking, games, parties
Likes nothing but junk food, can't cook
Undercover work doesn't hurt me
Gibbs is the father figure I never had
My relationship with Jeanne was what sparked my desire for a real relationship
Everything that I tease McGee about, I actually am or was.
Tony carefully considered this last point on his piece of paper. He liked Timmy boy, he really did. He felt a real respect for the man Timothy McGee was and the man he was becoming. If he was honest, the young computer centric author also scared the heck out of him. Something had changed between them when Kate died that they hadn't quite ever gotten back.
Squeezing down that familiar pang at the thought of Kate's death, he instead strove to remember the laughs. Ziva's comments were sometimes more vicious than Kate's had been, making the bullpen now more harsh than it had been before Ziva arrived, no matter the circumstances. Now, sometimes those quips could cut to the bone, had a little too much truth. He wasn't going to forget anytime soon that if Gibbs retired for real the next time he decided he couldn't hack it that Tony was not going to be considered a worthy alternative. Would never be Gibbs, so stop trying even if in the trying he kept alive the memory of the man who had touched him in so many different ways.
Ah, but as sweetly vicious as Ziva was and as much as Tim could now engage him in an interesting volley of words which occasionally came too close to the truth and hurt all the more for it, they cared. They had his six and he had theirs. Sometimes, the pranks went too far but the caring was genuine.
This all took away from the original point though. Almost everything he teased McGee about was something he didn't like about himself. Well, except maybe the Elf Lord stuff, but in his defence it was only because he didn't find anything interesting in those games although he did have some 'nerdy' pursuits. His love of old Hollywood movies was nothing to sneeze at...it took some serious work finding some of those movies these days. As much as he appreciated DVD and even Blu-Ray, it's not like some of those older movies made the transition to those formats, so some serious hunting had to be done at garage sales and speciality stores to find the VCR versions and finding a place for them all and some sort of order to the chaos was fun too.
Tony sighed. Perhaps since so few of these masks that he wore were left he should strip them all off completely, regardless of the consequences and show the world the REAL Tony DiNozzo. It's not like his friends didn't appreciate the glimpses at the 'real' Tony they saw. They worked hard to get those glimpses really. And why should they have to work so hard? Shouldn't he be a good friend and just show them him, allow them to be good friends in kind and accept him as he was?
This was somewhere he belonged. Somewhere he had healed from a damaged mind and heart. Here, he wanted it all to be real. He'd been fighting for so long to find a place he belonged, he hadn't even recognised it straight away.
Maybe stripping off all his masks would be too sudden though...maybe just slowly let go of the ones which were pretty much useless anyway at this stage. And then maybe he could work on the other ones? Time to stop lying to himself...and to his friends. With that plan firmly in mind, he finally felt the welcoming calmness that came after the storm and the restlessness which had been plaguing him up until now disappeared, allowing him to go to bed and manage to get some sleep. The piece of paper remained on the coffee table, forgotten about for the moment and for many months to come.
Probationary Agent Ned Dorneget paced up and down the orange corridor. He flexed his fingers as he spun an abrupt 180 turn just before the end of the corridor where he would come into the view of the bullpen. Growling at himself he spun back around and took that crucial step. It's not like the bullpen was crowded anyway, what with it being late at night. The darkness stalked the bullpen like he had stalked the corridor in his agitation. Nothing disturbed the stillness except for the single glow of a lamp at the desk of Very Special Agent DiNozzo's desk, where the man was calmly going over some of the reports required of the Senior Field Agent.
Dorneget took a deep breath. He could do this. Of course he could do this. He had to do this after admitting to McGee his sexual orientation and his crush on DiNozzo. He had to, not just for himself but because he knew Tony's masks were slowly falling apart one by one. Dorneget didn't know if Tony was aware or not, but by allowing the more superficial masks fall away, the more crucial ones still in place also began to fragment. The shards of Tony DiNozzo in all his imperfect glory shone through, allowing even a probationary agent to see the truth, the core of the man who had given a decade to NCIS without letting anyone know the heart of the man until now.
It was this more than anything that gave Dorneget hope. One of Tony's masks as a womaniser had cracked earlier today in regards to the British suspect they had wanted to bring in. It was clear that Tony much more appreciated the accent of Sean Connery than that of Keira Knightly. And he hadn't put up too much of a fight when McGee and Dorneget had to do the fetching. Really, the way he acted as they came back was almost overkill.
Ok...time to do this.
Another small step, then another before Dorneget was striding towards DiNozzo's desk... seriously did his desk have to be on the opposite side of the bullpen? Tony heard the footsteps and glanced up, curious who was here at this hour in the office like he was when usually silence was his only companion. He couldn't hide the surprise that flashed through his verdant eyes as Dorneget stood in front of his desk, face half in shadows.
"Dorneget? What are you still doing here?" Tony half stood, frowning lightly.
Dorneget, now faced with Tony up close and personal, found himself speechless, drowning in pools of green. Was it emerald green? Grass green? Leaf green? Green like the colour of moss? Green like the car from Green Hornet? Maybe green like lasers during interrogation but...
"Dorneget?"
His name dripping from those delectable lips, said in that sinful as chocolate voice did nothing to help him regain his equilibrium. Instead, he did something that was quite possibly one of the stupidest things he had ever done. Dorneget leaned forward and captured those lips with his own.
Tony froze, caught unawares. It had been a while since another man had kissed him, the scent of some kind of musky cologne filling his nostrils. A long time really, when you consider that he was spending a Friday night at the office doing paper work instead of looking for a man to be kissing, but apparently that didn't stop fate from finding one for him. As the lips continued to move over his own, seeking a response, any kind of response, his senses slowly returned and he jerked back, sputtering. Tony moved around his desk and out of his cubicle area, giving himself more room to manoeuvre and run if needs be.
With a glare, Tony resisted the urge to wipe his mouth as he snarled at Dorneget. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
Dorneget looked surprised, his fingers flexing again as he shifted from one foot to another in agitation.
"Tony...I...um...Look, I didn't mean to do that! Well I did, but not like that! I mean, I like you, alright! I should have said something before I just jumped in...It's just, you scramble me around and I can't think and you're so kissable and your eyes are so green, green like, like, I don't know and...And..."
Tony held up a hand, silencing the probie. "Out of curiosity, what made you think I would be open to these kinds of advances?"
At this, Dorneget snorted before taking a step closer. "Please, you're no more a womaniser than I am."
Tony responded by taking a step back, clearly not comfortable. "I don't even really want to know how you came to that conclusion but Dorneget, are you crazy? This is NCIS. You think they don't have cameras here?! What are you thinking, making moves on me here?"
Dorneget shuffled, looking for all the world like a kicked puppy. "This is the only place I see you, only place I could talk to you. It's not like I could approach you outside of work."
Tony huffed, obviously unimpressed. "Regardless, I'm sorry to say but I'm not interested, Dorneget." Tony sighed as the kicked puppy look increased tenfold.
"But...but...you're not interested in women! You're as gay as I am! Why not?! Is it because I'm a probationary agent?'
Tony pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering of the use of lying about his sexual orientation. "First off, don't ever mention that I am gay again...to anyone...ever." Here he managed to look slightly threatening as he waved a finger under Dorneget's nose. Well he hoped he looked threatening. Not terribly sure that worked with a Probie who was taller than him. "Also, it's not because you're a Probie, although now I'm not sure I can say that to you with a straight face anymore...it's because I'm not interested. I'm sorry, Dorneget, you're not my type and I don't want to wreck our status as colleagues."
Liar. Pretty faced, silky lies.
Tony shuddered, not letting the whispers of his mind take him too far away from the moment, from observing the reaction his words had on Dorneget and making sure he had a clear path of escape if this turned ugly.
"But..." Dorneget took another step closer. Too close. Tony backed away some more, shaking his head at Dorneget before turning and rushing out of there. It was cowardly, sure, but he didn't trust the larger man not to pursue this, especially since the bullpen was REALLY the worst place to continue this confrontation.
As he entered the corridor Dorneget had been pacing earlier and made a break for the vending machines, he never noticed Abby, who had been standing by her elevator watching with large eyes.
Abby rushed back to her lab, her pigtails swaying in an agitation which seemed almost separate to her own, unable to believe what she had seen, had she indeed seen it ...needing to see it again. Tony wasn't wrong, Dorneget had pulled a stupid move making advances in a room watched by cameras but it now gave her an opportunity to see what she had already began mentally calling "the incident" again and again.
She didn't try to power up her machines, she only powered up her computer as she quickly scanned through security footage looking for it...looking. She used the clock in the corner of her monitor to remind her of the time and date to look for...wow, who would want to work this late? Really, she wouldn't have been here herself if she hadn't remembered that she'd forgotten to turn off Major Mass Spec. Abby shook her head. Focus.
Finally, she found the thumbnail she was looking for and clicked it. There is was. Plain as day. Well, as plain as day can be in a dark bullpen with only a single desk lamp as a source of illumination.
So her eyes hadn't deceived her. Which meant her ears hadn't either and Tony was...
Gay.
The word echoed in her head again and again.
Tony was gay!
Abby took a deep breath and quickly stuffed her fist in her mouth to muffle the impending squeal. Oh this changed everything. After she punched Tony good and hard for keeping this from her, she couldn't wait to talk to him. Despite being quite open minded, she'd never had a chance to talk to a gay man before. She found the thought intriguing...she almost got a pen and paper to begin writing a list of questions she had to remember to ask Tony when another thought crossed her rampant mind. There was footage of this...footage! Tony's reputation at NCIS could be destroyed! More, this could affect his job and how he dealt with military personnel if this was known.
Abby bit her lip, a crease forming between her eyes and she examined the frozen image on her screen.
Gibbs.
Gibbs knew everything, would know how to deal with this. Would know whether she should delete the footage when someone could investigate how it went missing and what happened or leave it and chance nobody else would ever find out.
Gibbs would know.
Did Gibbs already know Tony was gay?
Her fingers with their black tinted nails, which until now seemed to act on their own accord and had quite traitorously been about to click the copy button, halted half way. Tony and Gibbs were close. Real close. Brothers in arms who watched each other's sixes. A friendship established from an unusual murder/undercover Baltimore case which defied expectations when a young, bitter cop made the transition to NCIS at Gibbs' request.
Surely Gibbs knew?
But Gibbs knew everything. He knew things a person didn't think he would know, things a person sometimes didn't want him to know. Those jagged cerulean eyes saw all. And Tony told Gibbs everything anyway.
Gibbs knew.
Quickly, she copied the footage onto a flash drive and shut down her computer, careful to wipe any evidence of what she had been doing in order to make it appear she had never looked at the footage. Grabbing her bag, the flash drive and a laptop, knowing Gibbs wouldn't have anything in his house to view this with, she shut down the computer and left.
Best to show Gibbs. She didn't know how she would be able to describe what she had seen so it was better to just show. Since there was no audio with the images, she would then have to tell Gibbs what she heard as well, but this was easier. And then her silver fox could tell her what to do. She didn't think she could make this decision tonight and it was clear something needed to be done as early as tomorrow morning if they were going to protect Tony's reputation and his job.
Gibbs sat on the second to last step on the staircase leading down to his basement, contemplating the empty expanse before him. He sipped at his mug of bourbon, sighing at the smoothness. He wasn't looking to forget tonight, which surprised him. It wasn't that the perennial restlessness had left him, but it seemed to have quietened at least for the moment, giving him a chance to wonder at the hugeness of his basement without a partially finished boat.
Tonight seemed to be a relatively quiet night, both in his mind and heart. There was no murder, assault or rape, no case, no leads...no memories dogging his heels. He sighed again, closing his eyes and slowly relaxing muscles bit by bit, releasing tension and stress. Best he move and go to bed, lest his thoughts turn from relaxed, happy meditation on how he wasn't completely lonely in his life with his work colleagues keeping him on his toes to unattainable things, like Tony DiNozzo.
He knew Tony had layers upon layers of masks. That much was obvious to the all-knowing, all-powerful Leroy Jethro Gibbs but he doubted heterosexuality was one of them, therefore making his fantasies of Tony just that, fantasies. But damn, sometimes the smallest smidge of hope kept him going, kept him believing in second chances and in that pesky little emotion called love.
Gibbs stood up slowly, bones creaking. He grunted in annoyance. Another thing to not think about, tonight or ever, was how old he was getting. He turned to head back up the stairs when he heard it.
The door opened and closed none too quietly but not quite with a slam and boots could be heard clonking on the floor. Gibbs took a deep breath before releasing it slowly. He loved Abby, quite sincerely with an affection that almost matched his feelings for Kelly, but some higher deity had better grant him patience because he was not sure he had the patience to deal with Abby at the moment. With effort, he leapt up the stairs two at a time, reaching the door before she did. With a smile, he gestured her to take a few steps back, allowing him room to pass through the door and into the lounge room. He moved with a cat like grace to the couch where he sat down.
Raising his eyebrows, Gibbs once more gestured silently to Abby, offering her a seat. She gave a half smile before plonking herself beside him. So much accomplished in a matter of seconds without a word spoken. Surely it couldn't be too bad either, considering the half smile. If it was truly terrible, he wouldn't have gotten that much out of her.
"Abby?" He prompted when it seemed like she wasn't about to start. He found that interesting, since she was bouncing and near bursting at the seams with whatever she had to tell him. It was Abby's turn to communicate silently as she began to set up her laptop and hooked her flash drive into the port. Gibbs shrugged, nonplussed by her own wordless communication that there was something he had to see. He leaned back into the couch and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, their faces illuminated by the blue glow of the computer screen.
Abby clicked some tab thing and Gibbs' brow creased as he realised the image before him was of the NCIS bullpen, that the image on screen was of the MCRT part of the bullpen specifically, his part of the bullpen. A quick glance showed the time and date made the images tonight's footage. Huh. He wondered what had happened tonight that Abby felt was so important that...
His jaw hit the ground and surprise whacked into his gut like a ten tonne wrecking ball. Did Dorneget just...? With Tony?
He watched the anger flash in Tony eyes, sparks damn near leaping over the space between Dorneget and Tony as Tony seemed to berate the younger agent. Gibbs didn't need to see it again though to know that for a second, Tony had closed his eyes, overcome by the kiss. He also didn't need to hit repeat to notice Tony hadn't wiped his mouth with his hand. Not completely disgusted a guy had kissed him then. Maybe just the wrong guy?
Oh, and how the hope punched a hole into his chest, entering his heart and glowing until it filled his entire being. Ruthlessly, he began to work on squashing it back down. No. Not tonight. This bore careful consideration. He couldn't just jump into this whole messy situation without thinking first, no matter how much he wanted to.
Gibbs turned his gaze to Abby. "Would the reason you have this footage be because you saw it and then copied it after you saw it?"
Abby bopped her head up and down, the movement somehow as bouncy and enthusiastic as her personality. "Neither of them saw me but I was close enough to hear. Tony didn't deny Dorneget's accusations that he was gay, Gibbs. He just said it didn't matter since Dorneget wasn't his type."
Gibbs sucked in a breath. What was Tony's type when it came to men? Younger? Older? Blonde? Brunette? Sporty? King of Movies? Best not to be distracted by that train of thought until Abby left though.
"Wouldn't put it past Tony to have quoted Rule 12, either." He muttered.
Abby shook her head thoughtfully. "He did say he didn't want to wreck his working relationship with Dorneget, but no mention of Rule 12 as such. I think of all your rules, he's always disliked that one the most. I think of all the rules, that rule is the only one he would probably chuck out the window for the right person."
Gibbs raised an eyebrow at her, to which she responded with a shrug, neither deigning to mention that Tony had chucked out Rule 12 for EJ and that clearly EJ was the wrong person to chuck out the rules for. Abby didn't see all the day to day interactions of the team, but seriously, who couldn't see that Gibbs and Tony totally had the hots for each other? A blind person? Well, maybe not because Tony and Gibbs had the scary, amazing abilities to not see their mutual attraction for each other. They tried to hide it from each other and the world. They were sneaky, as only Gibbs and Tony could be, but she knew. It not like she had thought they were gay so much as just...hot for each other. She had heard that people could be attracted to other people, regardless of gender. And what happened if your soul mate came along and that person happened to be the same gender as you? What happened then? Give up on the idea of soul mates? Hell no!
And at least this might give them both a push and Abby could discard the idea she had been playing around with of locking them in a room together until they either killed each other or banged. Her eyes widened at the thought and she hoped Gibbs wasn't using his dark magic to read her thoughts right at this moment.
"Either way, while there is no audio, this footage is still pretty damning." She continued as if thoughts of Tony and Gibbs banging had never entered her mind...ever.
Gibbs hit replay and watched again before he nodded. When he continued to say nothing, she could help but filled the cloying silence. "So...what are we going to do about it? I mean, I could delete the footage but what if someone notices that it's missing? Or I could leave it and hope nobody notices what happened..."
Gibbs shook his head. "Any way to maybe loop the footage until DiNozzo leaves, making it look like this never happened but not so obvious as taking out the footage completely?"
Abby bit her lip. "The timestamp makes that sort of difficult, but doable. I can do that tomorrow when I get in. It'll take some time so we'll still have to hope that nobody gets a curious feeling about what happens at NCIS at night until I do manage to overwrite it."
Gibbs smiled and kissed her cheek affectionately. "Atta girl. Feel free to crash here tonight if you want to."
Abby nodded and yawned as if saying the words instantly had the effect of making her feel drowsy, stretching her arms up in the air. The problem was solved, the only thing left to do was enact the solution tomorrow but until then, sleep sounded like an excellent idea. Gibbs got up and went to the staircase, hitting the light switch as he passed. For a second, he paused at the foot of the stairs and watched her sleepily move the pillows around to her liking. With a smile, he bade Abby a quiet good night before he walked up the stairs, knowing his dreams would be plagued by smiling green eyes and sinful lips.
Breakfast with Abby was a lively affair. It seemed that some days, despite a lack of decent sleep Abby could still wake up wide eyed and bushy tailed. Gibbs ruefully wondered what it would be like to deal with a chirpy person every morning. Was there an art to it? A skill to master? Or would love lend an everlasting patience to how the start of the day proceeded?
Useless thoughts.
As much as he had enjoyed his rather singular start to the day, it was time to get into work mode.
Gibbs tried to use the drive to figure out how he was going to deal with Tony. He even slowed down his demonic driving style just for the occasion. It's not that he was intending to treat Tony any different than he usually did. Tony was Tony after all, Tony with all those fabulous insecurities that seemed to shadow his footsteps as Gibbs' memories did his. Yet, it was undeniable that Gibbs' perception of Tony had changed, that there had been a monumental shift.
Tony was gay. Or maybe bisexual at the very least. Huh...go figure. He would have to ask Tony to find the answer to that plaguing question but that was the last thing he wanted to do right now. Ask questions.
Oh but how he burnt to ask. Almost as much as he burnt to touch for surely if he touched Tony's skin he himself would go up in flames from the sheer heat of it all.
Useless thoughts.
Gibbs mentally berated himself. It was next to no use though because such thoughts were making regular visits to his mind without so much as a phone call's notice. Herein lay the crux of the matter: he was having these thoughts about Tony as he always had, but thanks to this new information he couldn't stop. It was so important that it stopped for just a little bit, just a period of time for him to regain his equilibrium because he really didn't want to treat Tony any different. If Gibbs treated Tony any different, if he failed to deliver a head slap when usually he would have then instantly Tony would be on the alert. Not because his investigative talents and his gut would tell him something was wrong with Gibbs so much as Tony would think he had done something wrong.
It was adorably infuriating.
Adorable because Tony was almost always adorable when he wasn't trying to be and infuriating because seriously, who could kick an adorable puppy so many times that the puppy thought a head slap was a sign of affection? That the withdrawal of a head slap meant that he, Tony, was the one automatically in the wrong?
Evil took many forms.
So, Gibbs could have no hesitation today. No second guessing whether he should head slap Tony, knowing what he was doing to himself allowing that small touch which sent his senses aflame. If Tony needed a head slap, he would get a head slap, damn whatever it did to Gibbs knowing he was touching the object of his fantasies who could now be his.
Such arrogance.
So now he knows, or thinks he knows of Tony's sexuality and his potential availability and he what, thinks of Tony as potentially his?
There is nothing to say Tony would ever even remotely consider him, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, as a potential lover.
There was nothing to suggest that Tony could ever be his to care for, to hold, to love. It was sheer arrogance to think so highly of himself as to think Tony would want a washed up old Marine.
Gibbs didn't remember anything of the drive to NCIS that morning. He didn't remember screeching tyres or blaring horns, so evidently his distracted driving hadn't endangered someone. It's not like he was distracted as such anyhow. He had paid attention. He was just damned if he could remember anything of the trip which had passed in a blur in the wake of such heady thoughts.
Despite his spending the entire trip trying to work through his thoughts and feelings for Tony given everything he had learnt, Gibbs walked through the security portals at the entrance of the building not having reached anything resembling a solution.
Abby glared at her computer screen, unimpressed that the machine was not doing her bidding. She had a plan. So far, nobody had accessed the security footage from last night. Check. She had destroyed her copy. Check. Scramble the footage on the NCIS database so nobody would know what had apparently never existed? Unchecked. Abby stomped her boot clad foot, her various pieces of jewellery tinkling merrily and her ponytails waving to and fro.
Gah, it was frustrating. She was the goddess of machines. This one would do her bidding...or else. The start to this morning had been awesome, breakfast with Gibbs and next to no traffic to work. No sign of Tony yet either, so no suspicious behaviour for Tony to pick up on. So far, all good. Except now the blasted machine had better start working...
With a few more furious clicks of the mouse, Abby let a small smile tug at the corners of her lips as finally, pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place and the small window popped up stating that the section of footage she wanted to be deleted was in the process, superimposed over the frozen image of Tony and Dorneget lip locked.
Abby turned and clicked the remote at her stereo, feeling that perhaps some victory music was in order. Perhaps that was why she never heard the ding of the elevator or the sound of footsteps, too heavy to be female.
"Abby? Abby? Do you know why Gibbs has been in a mood this morning? Oh never mind why...can I hide down here with..."
The words died on Tony's lips as his gaze rested on the computer screen, where the image of the couple lip locked remained. Abby frantically clicked off the music, missing the button more the once. She turned and looked at Tony, biting her lip nervously.
"Tony..." She sighed, knowing there was no good explanation for the image on her screen and knowing from the fearful look on Tony's face would forever haunt her.
Tony was pale, his startled green eyes wide and all the more prominent for his paleness. In that moment, he looked like a scared, frightened child and as skittish as a colt. As Abby took a step forward, not entirely sure what she was going to do beyond give Tony a hug to end all hugs, he took a step back and flinched. Abby stopped, her lower lip quivering. He had flinched. Tony flinched.
"Tony. Please, Tony. Don't run, please. It's alright, I swear." Abby raised a hand and held it out to Tony beseechingly. Emerald eyes shifted from her to the screen.
"You were there last night." It was a statement of fact, made all the more harsh for the flat voice which delivered it.
"Yes."
"You didn't know what to do with what you knew, so you went to infallible Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Papa Smurf. Surely he would know what to do."
Abby tried hard to hide her reaction to hearing the words her mind had repeated to her as she viewed the footage echoed back to her in Tony's voice. Apparently, Tony still saw enough to confirm what he already knew.
"So...the great mystery is solved. This is why Gibbs is treating me weird this morning. Why he hesitated to give me a head slap and hasn't even been able to really look me in the eye. He can't stand the idea that I'm gay."
"No Tony! No! That's not it. That can't be it. You know Gibbs isn't really prejudiced. He's probably just shocked. Yeah, that's it. Shocked. Just shocked. And maybe hurt. Tony, I saw the look on his face. He didn't know. You never told him. I thought that you told him. You tell Gibbs everything, so I thought that the only thing he wouldn't know about was that Dorneget came onto you. I thought the only problem that needed solving was what to do with the security footage. But he didn't know."
"My being gay is a problem to solve?"
"No! No, I didn't mean it like that! You know I don't mean it like that. I just meant Gibbs being hurt is a problem that needs solving."
"He's not hurt, Abby. Gibbs second 'b' for bastard isn't hurt by his second being gay. Not being able to look me in the eye isn't hurt. He's furious. I might as well start packing my bags and save him the trouble of firing me." Tony spun on his heel and stormed out of the room, slamming the elevator button in his impatience to get away. With a ding, the doors opened and then he was gone.
Abby stood staring at the silver doors for several seconds longer before she scrambled to reach her phone. Almost blind from tears, she struggled to hit the correct buttons before she held the device next to her ear.
"Gibbs?"
Tony hit the emergency button in the elevator, bracing himself as the hanging room jerked to a halt. Two strides were all it took to cover the distance between one wall and another. This was not sufficient pacing room. Maybe if he shortened his stride, he might be able to get three steps...still not enough. Instead of a back and forth moment from left to right, Tony followed the walls, turning abruptly at each corner to continue his square pattern.
It wasn't enough to burn off the restless energy, the searing frustration and the gut wrenching humiliation. He couldn't scream in here. The sound would echo within the room and up the elevator shaft, meaning everybody would hear it and either think he was wrong in the head or something in general was wrong with the elevator. Tony really didn't want to cause a state of panic and yet...he was so frustrated!
Quickly, he stuffed his tie into his mouth before taking aim at one of the silver panels which made up the back wall. With a quick punch and a muffled scream of frustration, he backed away, panting heavily once he removed the offending fabric from his mouth.
Somehow, seeing the dent in the panel eased something inside him, as if having a visible sign that he was here, that he had been angry and that it was ok to be angry calmed him. This wasn't how he had envisioned his career with NCIS ending. Really, he had never envisioned his career ending unless it was through old age or the more likely killed in action routine. And he had no doubt that the dent in the panel would disappear quite quickly. After that, there would be nothing to say Anthony DiNozzo had dedicated 11 years of his life to NCIS, to Kate, to Abby, to Ducky, to McGee, to Ziva, to Palmer...to Gibbs. Nothing to say he had fought, cried, laughed, loved here. Really, there wasn't much to Tony without NCIS, this agency was everything to him... it was a part of him.
Oh gods...what would he do?
No. That's long term thinking which, while important, could wait while he settled the immediate problem.
Getting out without facing Gibbs again.
This was going to be tough. But he was an excellent undercover agent and excelled at stealth. He could do this. Tony hit the emergency button and felt the shift as the elevator continued its delayed journey upwards.
He could do this or his name wasn't Anthony...
The doors slid open with a ding and all he could see were icy eyes.
...DiNozzo.
Well, damn.
Gibbs lent against the wall by the elevator, impatiently examining the numbers above the doorway. The numbers were stagnant. The numbers weren't budging, weren't lighting up before dimming as the elevator made its journey between floors. Tony was down there. Even without Abby's call he would have known. It was the only place to get any privacy here and if talking out a problem with someone didn't work, the next best thing was to take over the elevator and have five minutes to think.
Clearly, DiNozzo felt the need to think.
Tony thinking was never a good thing. Not now, not ever. Tony sometimes tended to over think. Over thinking in this situation was definitely not good. So focused was he on the numbers above the door at he almost didn't notice when the orange lights flickered on and off again, indicating movement. The steel doors parted giving him barely a moment's preparation for what he was about to face.
Somehow he felt nothing could prepare him for the depth of misery in those jade orbs.
Gibbs had seen Tony miserable before. The plague, Kate's death, numerous visits from his father, accusations of murder...
And yet something about Tony in that moment of time made something inside him shatter, made Gibbs feel as though he had been punched in the stomach and there was no breath left in him.
This was not how he wanted Tony to take his breath away.
Taking a moment to make sure he was still breathing, Gibbs cocked his head to the side before jerking his chin to indicate that Tony should follow. He knew before he took a step back that it wasn't going to happen. Looking haunted and just a little sick, Tony stood his ground and remained rooted in his spot. Gibbs sighed before walking forwards, deliberately crowding Tony and dominating the space, hoping to distract Tony from the fact that his hand had sneaked behind him to hit the button to close the doors. Almost immediately upon hearing the swishing noise, Gibbs jerked the emergency switch and narrowed his eyes at Tony.
"You scared Abby."
Tony paled before clenching his jaw. With flashing eyes, the younger man let loose his anger which hadn't quite quelled from denting the elevator panel.
"Seriously?! You barely talk to me ALL DAY and can't even look at me and this is the first thing you say to me?! YOU SCARED ABBY?!"
Well...Gibbs could concede that wasn't the best start to this conversation. Perhaps being a gruff, functional mute really wasn't going to cut it anymore and talking was his only option...
"I mean, I knew you had issues but this is a new low Gibbs, even for you." Tony definitely didn't have room to pace at this point and was making his intentions fairly obvious by his constant glances at the emergency switch. "Look, just...let me out. I'm quitting before you can fire me anyway. Save whatever speech you wouldn't have said anyway. We'll all be happier this way."
This pierced Gibbs' careful façade and he took a step back out of Tony's space.
"I don't want you to quit Tony. And I wasn't going to fire the best damn agent I've ever worked with either." Gibbs spoke softly, resisting the urge to reach out to Tony and hug the younger agent. He had the feeling it wouldn't go down too well.
"Well there seems to be a problem then, Gibbs. Because in order for me to work with you, it requires being able to look at me or a little thing called talking to me!"
Gibbs nodded, agreeing with that point.
"I get it, alright? Can't work with a gay man. Right. Heard that one before."
Gibbs wanted to know where exactly Tony had heard that before. Somehow, he thought a check into DiNozzo's previous working history might be in order and a few heads needed banging together.
"Worked with gay men before. Not a problem."
That seemed to pull Tony up short, or at least made him falter for a second before Tony turned away, misery once more becoming dominant rather than anger.
"So it's just me then. You can't work with me, knowing it's me that's gay. Knowing that I kept this a secret from you."
Gibbs sighed and threaded his fingers through his hair in frustration. This still wasn't going in the direction he wanted it to and he had the scary feeling that he would have to admit his own feelings in order to fix this. He felt in his gut that it might be the only way to convince Tony, but he so didn't want to reveal his feelings. At least not like this. Ah well...all in, as they say.
"Be hypocritical for me to hold a grudge for your keeping secrets." The response was gruff and didn't make Tony look at him. How he wanted to grab those broad shoulders and turn Tony around, lift that chin so he could drown in green pools. Tony wore his heart on his sleeve more often then he would admit and Gibbs desperately needed to see what it was Tony was feeling. All of it. Every gut wrenching, conflicting emotion.
He did hear the small snort though. He wasn't sure whether to count that as a win or not. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. A thought which made Gibbs want to dig himself a hole right then and there and disappear.
"Did I know this before my retirement to Mexico?"
This actually caused Tony to look up, disbelief written across every line on his face, lines the symbol of years of dedication to a miserable, lonely job.
"No! No...never had the guts to tell anybody anything. I did consider it though after seeing that explosion and sitting by your bedside at the hospital. But you woke with no memory so the point seemed moot..."
Tony had actually considered telling him?
"Glad I didn't forget something like this."
Tony's eyes narrowed. "Why would it matter? You forgot us, forgot me and left. I highly doubt my being gay would have impacted your decision to retire in the slightest."
Gibbs wasn't so sure. Even with no memory of who Tony was after the explosion, he had still been attracted to the younger man before he remembered enough to say the iconic words, "You'll do".
"Well it doesn't matter now, either, because I quit. You won't have to deal with me and all my baggage any longer."
The problem was that he loved Tony and damned if he didn't also love the baggage that came with him. And it came down to the simple fact that he couldn't lose him. Not now. Not after everything. Not ever. It looked as if the infamous gut was right once more, there truly was only one solution left. Well, Gibbs had always been direct and straight to the point, if nothing else.
Although when he smashed his lips against Tony's, there was a hell of a lot less finesse than he wanted. He quickly lost himself in the sultry, soft lips but managed to maintain enough control to keep his eyes open long enough to see Tony close his. Now able to surrender absolutely, Gibbs closed his as well and let himself drown in everything that was Tony. Delectable lips moved under his own as Tony slowly got over his surprise and responded. Tony's hands moved to touch his waist tentatively before the hands clenched into fists, grabbing onto Gibbs' jacket to keep his feet and stay stable under the onslaught. It was a confusing maelstrom of emotion, difficult just to keep his head above the water and really, Gibbs wasn't trying hard to. Tony's responses were amazing, his kissing ability above par just as he thought it would be. He needed to savour this because he knew, all too soon...
Tony jerked back, eyes wide and blinking away the daze that only a great kiss from someone you love can leave you in. He had to clear his throat several times; unable to truly meet Gibbs' eyes as he tried to question everything that just happened. In the end, he settled for one word, phrased it as a question.
"Gibbs?"
Ah, hell. Of course Tony would want an explanation...at least misery wasn't the dominant emotion in Tony's eyes anymore though and Gibbs had the feeling that thoughts of leaving NCIS weren't even on the radar anymore.
"I'll come to your apartment tonight. Explain there. Just don't do something stupid and quit."
Best to warn Tony of that now, even though he wasn't thinking of it. When that daze wore off though, he would start to. Better to tell him now and not give the thought a chance to find purchase, to ensure Tony worked through the day with more important things on his mind than quitting. More important things like tonight. Gibbs spared himself a moment to wonder if he would enjoy Tony's lips against his own again tonight. Even allowed himself a glimmer of hope that it wouldn't just be tonight but many other nights after that. Without looking, he reached for the emergency switch with unerring accuracy and flicked it upwards, opening the doors with a rush of cool air. Stepping backwards and out of Tony's space, he turned and without looking back, entered the bullpen and sat at his desk, perfectly in work mode once more.
It took Tony about ten more minutes to settle. It took several minutes to walk somewhat unsteadily out of the elevator and sit at his desk, quite a few more to stop looking at Gibbs so frequently. There were still looks cast through sooty eyelashes as Tony tried to be discreet, but there were fewer of them as Tony attempted to distract himself and immerse himself in the work.
Indeed, the more one was distracted, the quicker time flew and the closer they got to the conversation awaiting them tonight.
Tony paced. There was infinitely more room to pace around his apartment than there was in the elevator. He wasn't sure yet if this was a good thing. It was almost as if with more space with which he could pace, his mind also became less crowded...so many different thoughts were racing through his head yet not in a suffocating way. It was more as though he couldn't settle on a particular train of thought, more as if his mind were a headless chicken, running around with no sense of direction.
With a growl, he tore off his suit jacket and threw it in the general direction of his couch as he passed it by. With rough fingers, he yanked at the knot of his tie, loosening it yet leaving it on. Tony felt unable to be fully bothered removing it now he felt like he could breathe a little better.
This was stupid.
There was the clatter of a designer shoe hitting the wall as with a harsh kick he flung it off his foot.
This was so unbelievably stupid.
A bang as the next shoe hit the side table in the completely opposite direction of its mate.
How could he let Gibbs talk him into this?
Ah, but nobody said no to Leroy Jethro Gibbs. After a decade, surely he knew this?
Tony did, yet it did nothing to quell his disappointment at how pathetic his behaviour had been. Sure, he hadn't managed to escape without being noticed by Gibbs or by the rest of the team, but he could have still, he didn't know, maybe bluffed his way through and still get away?
Useless now.
He'd been busted and in a big way. Gay. In love with his boss. Oh gods...in love with GIBBS!
He might be lucky though. Gibbs might not have cottoned on.
As Tony hopped around on one foot trying to pull off first one sock, then alternating to the other foot to pull off the other, he wondered...what the hell was that kiss about?
Tony ran his fingers through his hair in agitation, clenching his hand into a fist and yanking abruptly, hoping the sharp sting would put a stop to the endless running commentary in his mind and allow him to focus on a possible solution to this...problem...issue...mess...None of those descriptors seemed to do his situation justice. He rolled up his socks into a messy ball and nonchalantly chucked them over his shoulder, the garments landing softly under the coffee table.
Oh gods. He was so messed up. This was so messed up. He should just follow his instinct and run...
There was a gentle knock on the door. Tony almost didn't hear it, so used as he was to Gibbs damn near knocking his door down or alternatively, just picking the lock and walking in like he owned the joint. Luckily though, Tony had stopped pacing long enough to contemplate tidying the apartment some, maybe at least collect his shoes and socks...somewhat like it was more of a date than a chat and wondering yet more where his head was at when the knock had occurred.
He was almost surprised at how long he stared at the door for before his brain managed to reconnect to his body and he began to function properly again, almost tripping over himself to yank the door back, revealing Gibbs. Oh gods...if Tony thought he was having difficulty functioning before, it was nothing to seeing Gibbs standing on his door step, blue eyes boring into his own.
Ah, he was in hell.
Any earlier attempts at politeness became moot as Gibbs crowded into Tony's space. Tony crossed his arms across his chest defensively and backed up quickly to try and regain some equilibrium. Gibbs offered no mercy, striding forward just as quick as if indeed he was welcome and in doing so, stayed in Tony's space and kept Tony backing up until they were in the relative space of the living room and Tony had room to manoeuvre out of the way. Tony managed to sidestep his coffee table almost deftly, only years of living in his apartment and knowing where he placed his own furniture saving him when all he wanted to do was dodge Gibbs. He wasn't sure how he felt about Gibbs entering his space at the moment. There was the high possibility he would give too much away, would indicate to Gibbs' sharp eyes that his feelings ran deeper than they should. Gibbs shouldn't be invading his space at the moment. At least, not until he decided if he wanted the invasion...or that he was willing to let Gibbs be Gibbs and employ those sort of tactics.
Although with the first step Tony had dodged the coffee table, with the second step back he bumped into it. He stumbled but managed to regain his balance without too many more hassles and didn't hurt himself for the experience. Just a pinch of embarrassment and a piece of paper dislodged which floated gently to the floor.
It seemed to make Gibbs jolt though and he stopped. Gibbs realised what he had been doing and began a mental litany of curses. Tony wasn't a suspect but he probably felt like one at the moment. That hadn't been Gibbs' intention. As much as Tony wanted to escape so he could think clearly and hopefully not give too much away, Gibbs felt a tension within his muscles that only seemed to lessen as he eyed Tony almost hungrily, trying to get close enough to drink in the intoxicating scent of the man and feel a little of his warmth.
Catch 22.
Gibbs sighed and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
Tony blew out a deep breath and tried offering a half hearted smile as he fell back upon manners drummed into him as a young child.
"Coffee?" As Tony offered, he wondered at the stupidity of the question. Gibbs refusing coffee? As if.
Gibbs merely nodded and looked at the couch, wondering if he should sit down. He didn't look at Tony again as the other man gingerly left the room and yet he was intensely aware of every move he made. How could he not be aware? There was something damn sexy about Tony without his jacket on, tie askew, feet bare and hair sticking up all over the place.
Looking for something to do as he heard the coffee machine begin to buzz in the kitchen, Gibbs sat down on the couch. The corner of his lips twitched as he eyed grey socks bunched up in a ball before leaning forward to pick up the piece of paper which had fallen off the coffee table next to the socks.
Tony's masks
As Gibbs read the list, his eyebrows steadily climbed higher and higher on his forehead. To blatantly list each and every mask Tony wore...it was like a sucker punch. The man really had to keep himself thinking in order to maintain all of these illusions. To split his focus in so many directions, to control his reactions so nobody would know any better...
It would be amazing to see the man in his full glory, with his full focus dedicated to a task. Would it still be presumptuous to hope to have that full attention focused on him?
Wishful thinking wouldn't get him anywhere.
Gibbs contemplated the implications of the list. If this was a list of masks, it would follow that the complete opposite was true.
So. He wasn't a father figure and Tony was interested in relationships but not necessarily solely with women. Between that and the kiss Gibbs had stolen earlier in the elevator, Gibbs felt that traitorous sensation of hope continue to build in his chest and the doubt he had been feeling earlier was squashed down ruthlessly.
It wasn't arrogant or wishful thinking. It was a possibility.
An incredibly tantalising possibility.
Now all he had to do was convince Tony of making a possibility into a reality.
So preoccupied was he with the thoughts swimming in his head that he never noticed the machine had stopped buzzing and the sound of Tony's footsteps. Next thing he knew, Tony was in front of him with two mugs of coffee in his hands. Tony was shuffling nervously, his eyes glued to the piece of paper in Gibbs' hands. Really, it was surprising that he didn't spill a single drop. Gibbs still cautiously took one of the mugs to set on the coffee table and wondered if he should take the second, but Tony put down the mug on the table next his anyway.
Tony immediately moved away again but didn't pace, just shifted restlessly on the spot. He shuffled his feet, crossed and uncrossed his arms, scratched the back of his head, rubbed the bridge of his nose and started the cycle again without letting himself have a moment of stillness. Gibbs wondered if it was still considered a victory that Tony wasn't pacing if the younger man refused to be still. He had a remedy to that but wasn't sure if he should. Just because he wanted to didn't mean he should...ah to hell with it.
Gibbs stood up and moved swiftly to Tony, not letting the other man have a moment to react before Gibbs placed a hand on Tony's cheek, forcing the other to look up and meet his eyes before lips met gently.
Gibbs was happy to say that he showed more skill this time. While still as surprised as last time, Tony surrendered faster, pushing into Gibbs so as to be as close as possible.
Sweet hell.
Gibbs felt as though he was burning from the inside out, his blood pounding and arousal flaring. Tony's lips tasted like summer fruit. Sweet with a hint of tartness. Gibbs took another moment to savour the kiss before pulling back. Better he be the one to pull back this time. Lust blown verdant eyes meet his in confusion. Now Gibbs just wanted to kiss that look off Tony's face, the need to kiss Tony almost overwhelming. Really, he could spend hours kissing this man if given even half a chance. Unfortunately at least a few words were necessary to survive this situation intact.
"Tony, I'm not going to kiss you again unless you ask me." Gibbs watched as Tony's expression slowly changed. "I came here to answer any questions you had about today, to break a rule and to ask you not to quit."
Gibbs almost flinched when Tony blinked and the blank mask shuttered into place.
"I have reason to quit after today."
"I'm sorry that I gave you a reason." Tony couldn't quit hide how much that response threw him, how much an apology for anything from Gibbs meant to him.
"You choose now to break that rule? After all you have done?"
Tony looked like he wanted to step away from Gibbs, give himself some more physical space. He didn't, thinking that Gibbs would surely just follow him like last time. Only perhaps this time Tony wouldn't be so lucky and merely stumble over his own furniture. Perhaps this time he would actually fall over, knowing his luck. Somehow, he didn't think trying to crack his head open like an egg was conducive to this conversation.
"Never made you want to quit before." Gibbs was gruff, his self disgust evident.
"Never worked for a boss who's kissed me before." Tony's response was fairly quick, considering how his mind seemed to still be stumbling over Gibbs apologizing. Gibbs rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.
"Tony...I...I don't want to apologise for that. Or for kissing you again just now."
Tony raised an eyebrow, his eyes boring into Gibbs'. Suddenly, Tony's widened in shock.
"You really don't regret kissing me, do you? You still want me to work for you after everything? How am I supposed to work in the same room as you after this? I can't pretend this didn't happen."
Gibbs shrugged half-heartedly. "You could always think about the kisses I'll give you after work while pretending to do paperwork?"
Tony actually stumbled back a step at that, mental stumbles no longer enough to deal with his surprise; unable to believe that Gibbs had said something that even resembled a joke. About the possibility of a future relationship no less.
"I...I..."
Gibbs reached out and hooked his finger in Tony's tie, twisting the material around his fist; he used it to jerk Tony forwards until they stood with every line of their bodies touching with one exception. Lips twitching, Gibbs murmured, "If I had known all I had to do was kiss you and talk about kissing you to shut you up, I would have done it years ago." A soft, taunting brush of lips at the corner of Tony's mouth. Still not quite a kiss. Tony's eyes lowered, focused on what he wanted. Gibbs' lips.
"Ask."
Tony frowned. Gibbs had seen the video footage and read his list of masks. Now, he showed no signs of wanting Tony to quit NCIS or of firing him from MCRT. All he wanted was for Tony to make a request. Surely this wasn't happening. After years of wanting it couldn't be this easy.
"Ask me."
And yet Gibbs was right there. Warm, vibrant and there. Just waiting for Tony to make a decision, as if it wasn't obvious what Tony would do, as if Tony hadn't spent many a night dreaming of being able to kiss Gibbs. As if Tony hadn't spent over a decade working for NCIS, watching the six of a man he loved enough to kill for. Loved enough to live for when the odds seemed stacked against him.
"Kiss me."
Please.
Tony was quite proud he didn't say it. It was on the tip of his tongue, burning to be said. But that would sound too much like begging and while he would, for Gibbs, showing this much desperation this early wouldn't bode well for him in the future. But his tongue became much too occupied with other more pleasurable pursuits as Gibbs almost seemed to lunge forward and claim Tony as his own.
Tony's eyes slipped close and he surrendered completely, his mind deliciously blank as for the first time. He enjoyed every second without wondering when it was going to end, when Gibbs was going to come to his senses.
For the first time, he thought perhaps this could happen. Perhaps Gibbs wanted him just as much and they could make something out of this. For surely over ten years is nothing to sneeze at. It was as good a foundation to build a relationship on as any.
For now though, Tony wasn't thinking of the long term. He wasn't thinking of whether there was even going to be a relationship out of this encounter. Because all doubts aside, it did look fairly likely.
Right now, Gibbs was kissing him.
Best to just focus on that and enjoy it.
