Foreword
Reason says that life should be predictable.
This is because, when you think about it and ignore slim chances, then things tend to proceed in a logical, step–by–step sort of way – if you give someone a present, you don't expect them to jump out the window and go scuba–diving with dragons (unless you gave them scuba equipment, obviously). Sure, there's usually more than one ending to a given scenario, but all of them are pretty damn logical. For instance, the person you just gave that present to – who for the purposes of narcissistic Author portrayal shall be me – are they going to like your present or not? Two outcomes, right there, and both of them make sense. The choice of reaction is between 'like' and 'dislike' – there is no 'eat the gift giver' option, unless either you're stuck in a seriously messed up fandom, or I just had a necklace presented to me by a succulent leg of lamb.
Getting to the point – scenarios in life generally have endings you can predict. Either Kaiba loses the card game or Kaiba wins the card game or Kaiba forfeits the card game or Kaiba rage quits the card game; Kaiba does not explode and destroy the whole world and also the plot, because that's just silly. Thing is, the Internet is not real life – so Kaiba can explode upon it; and he does explode in a thousand fanfics, and nothing makes any sense – but that's okay because everyone's dead, so there's nothing left to make any sense of. Similarly, a Wikipedia cruise can take you from 'Fridge' to 'Armageddon' in all of three clicks, leaving you to blink and wonder how the heck that was relevant.
As a creation of the interwebs; this fic, therefore, is an unpredictable piece.
Which is why when I explain to you the whole sorry story of how two Yu–Gi–Oh jocks ended up being pursued by a giant three–headed dog, an angry man with a harp, and a troll because they tried to look up a girl's skirt, you really can't say I didn't warn you about the randomness of this fic.
Chapter One: In which two idiots jump at a wall, when they should have jumped at a train.
The day was hot – the warm air sticky and humid, the faces of passers-by moist with sweat. The people here looked gaunt and tired, their limbs slowed and–
–and you would likely never have gotten a day like this in Domino City, Japan, which is exactly where our two protagonists are living in the canon. That's why they had come over here, to King's Cross Train Station in a strange place called England; because sweaty girls are hot girls, and Jounouchi had gotten this great camera for his birthday. He was going to perv on a whole new level today, and his mate Honda had come along to watch a great record be broken.
But because the dub ruined everything, we'll just pretend for a minute that Jounouchi and Honda were in England because of a duel – it's always a duel – and Jounouchi, eager to get his game on, had decided that he was going to challenge everyone he saw, and the author is here careful not to mention that those he 'duels' are always both female and wearing short skirts (low–cut tops are optional, but preferred). He was going to train himself up, and be the Best Damn Duelist Ever. Off he went, 'challenging' people with a feistiness that went unmatched – anyone watching him automatically gasped at his prowess, as he singlehandedly tore through duelist after duelist. Some people even looked horrified by the sheer swiftness of which he did it, too; which really only reinforces just how badass he was.
"On fire! Flaming hot!", Honda yelled at one point, as he examined the photos the blonde had taken during the matches of – er, his 'amazing plays'. Most of the time, Jounouchi had been duelling, and Honda had been observing from a distance – they had only come together because the blonde asked his mate to video the next duel. "Oh, I suppose it's going to be special?"
Jounouchi's honey orbs (always honey orbs, never anything else) sparkled in the sunlight. "Yeah – this one's going to be awesome. You'll never have seen anything like this, mate!"
"Keep it up!", Honda beamed; and in an attempt to indicate what the main ship of this fic is, he clapped Jounouchi hard across the shoulders. The blonde gave him a friendly nudge with his hips, then and sallied forth to find another opponent, grinning goofily the whole time.
And boy, did he find an opponent! What a woman, what a… a… a strong woman! She reminded Honda of Mai, because she was just so strong! How was Jou going to win against her?
Well – win Jou did, and he won in style. What with his hands shaking in excitement, it was all his buddy could do to videotape the awesome that was the frenzied match. In typical cliché fashion, the blonde appeared to be suffering in this duel, his opponent 'unmoving' – but then he 'came from behind', catching his formidable foe 'off guard'. His opponent's defeat was of course painstakingly described in slow motion – the force of that final blow sent their hair flying back…
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
After some time had passed (and the author has tired of trying to make the perverse happenings sound like a game of cards), it was time for something plot – related to happen. In this case, Jounouchi and Honda saw a girl randomly start running at a wall. They rushed over to try and stop her – but then she was gone into the wall, and unable to stop themselves, they too went flying at the bricks and then they saw the Hogwarts Express and ZOMG CHAPTER IS OVER NOW GAIZ GAIZ PLEASE R&R GAIZ IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME LISTEN NOWW GAIZ GAIZ, and then it all collapsed in that wreck that was the Author's Note, oh the RPs and the sentences, all too long, it burns-
Good thing I'm not that author; good thing, indeed. Now, where were we? Oh, yes…
It had been a long, hard day; but more than worth it. At last, Jounouchi and Honda stood in the shade with their victory prize: a camera full of images, each one showing 'a duelist being defeated'. These were very important to the boys – you see, they had put Jounouchi's 'strategies' through their paces, and managed to get pictures of all his 'techniques' but one. This one was, incidentally, one of the hardest to pull off; Jounouchi had to be moving in perfect synchronization with Honda to, erm, 'achieve perfect friendship mode, and expose the other duelist's defences as a result'.
It took them some time to find the right duelist with the right 'deck' for the job; if they were to pull it off properly, Jounouchi wanted to make sure that the picture would be absolutely epic. Eventually, they found the girl they needed; and racing at her from behind, they–
–and suddenly, she took off, running right at a wall not so far away from her. Jounouchi and Honda, however, were focused on their 'target' and already screaming out the name of their move, too occupied to notice that holy moley she just disappeared and we're going right at a wall. And then, they did notice, and their screams rose significantly in volume; though as they didn't have time to change their screams to something other than what they were already yelling, they simply called out the move's name as they went straight towards the wall, granite rushing up to meet them and wait a sec this isn't solid what the hell–
Platform Nine and Three Quarters was a peaceful sort of place, even with all the hustle and bustle that was the parents escorting their special little snowflakes towards the train – a big, fiery red steam engine, because apparently the underground economy isn't looking so good or something. The smoke from the chimney stack wafted in the air about the magnificent engine, and somehow didn't cause everyone to asphyxiate due to all the smoke in the mostly enclosed station – that's magic, that is.
And everywhere you looked, there were kids frolicking off to their first day of magic school (oh so fun, everyone loves magic school). Over here, which happens to be a very vague direction intended to cause the reader to have nostalgic feelings or something – anyway, over here was a group of twelve year olds, playing with their owls.
Over there was a group of twelve year olds who had just had their fingers removed by the ferocious beasts that were also known as owls, but since no fingers meant no magic, and MAGIC was all that mattered in this scene, nobody cared about them.
And now, we'll point our ADD reader in the direction of a wall through which people were arriving; everyone was out of breath and moving at high velocity when they came out, and somehow even with all the heavy trolleys, this didn't impact on the rest of the people in the station in the least. I have no idea how the hell that even worked, so I'll just call it magic – and bam, it fits with our magical, magical scene.
Through this wall came the girl Jounouchi and Honda had been rushing before.
And then, a few seconds later, the peaceful world of Platform Nine and Three Quarters was irreversibly shattered forever; as our two protagonists shot through, screaming out their move in unison as they came into the light, the plank held out before them, all ready to flip up someone's skir– I mean, all ready to win a duel with that great move of theirs.
Incidentally, their wild yells sounded something like this:
"PAAAAAAAANTYYYYY TAAAAANNK!"
Notes:
– After some thought, this fic has been removed from the HP/YGO crossover section, because the plot dictates that (a) actual HP characters barely show up, (b) the fic is going to get itself badly mixed up with several other fandoms, and (c) it's honestly more focused around YGO characters and parodying as many crossovers as I can wave a stick at; including little known serieses no-one's ever heard of.
– Yes, Jou and Honda really are that perverted in the early manga.
– Yes, they did in fact pull a certain move whilst yelling 'Panty Tank!' in the manga.
– Yes, this chapter is a shameless attack on the Harry Potter/YGO crossovers - but hey, I'm only writing this because I found a HP/YGO I actually liked. 'Emissary of Darkness' - very fun fic, in my opinion, even if it was totally serious (which is more than I can say for my little monstrosity here)
- Updates will be every Thursday, unless they aren't. Then I'll make up some ridiculous excuse for y'all, despite having a fair amount of buffer here.
And lastly, just because you're expecting it: ZOMG CHAPTER IS OVER NOW GAIZ GAIZ PLEASE R&R GAIZ IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME LISTEN NOWW GAIZ GAIZ–
