I Hate Judy

Summary: Kurt kidnaps and then brutally murders Judy. Wes may never forgive him but the Warblers will hail him a hero.

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters/actors therein.


Kurt smiled seductively at his fellow Warblers and turned to Jonathan who was standing next to the boom box waiting for his cue. "Hit it."

"Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me," he hugged himself and gave his butt a shimmy as he snuggled between Blaine and Craig. "I think they're O.K.. If they don't give me proper credit, I just walk away." He shoved both boys away from him and sauntered over to where Bobby was seated on the couch.

Caressing his cheek sweetly, "They can beg and they can plead; but they can't see the light, that's right. 'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash, is always Mister Right, 'cause we are –" He jumped up from the couch and with a complicated series of moves that would have Coach Sylvester sit up and take notice as he continued to serenaded the rest of the Warblers.

"Living in a material world - and I am a material girl. You know that we are living in a material world - and I am a material girl."

"Some boys romance, some boys slow dance - that's all right with me." He took Jeremy's hand and danced a quick fox trot around the other boys that had started to dance along with him. "If they can't raise my interest then I - have to let them be."

Kurt stepped in front of Wes who was still seated at the Council's table gripping his gavel with annoyance. "Some boys try and some boys lie but I don't let them play." Kurt tousled the surly boy's hair, "Only boys who save their pennies - make my rainy day, 'cause they are –"

All the Warblers save Wes and Thad joined in on the chorus. "Living in a material world and I am a material girl. You know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl." Kurt skipped from one Warbler to another as they serenaded him. "Living in a material world. Living in a material world. Living in a material world. Living in a material world."

Just like in the original video the lifted Kurt from the ground and carried him. He couldn't have choreographed them any better. "Boys may come and boys may go and that's all right you see. Experience has made me rich and now they're after me, 'cause everybody's –"

"Living in a material world and I am a material girl. You know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl." The last few lines of his song were drowned out by the sound of Wes banging his gavel on the table.

"Enough! Kurt we appreciate your enthusiasm but there is no way that the Warblers can sing that song at Regionals." Kurt could practically see the condescension pouring from his lips.

Kurt smiled at Wes ready to fight for his right to sing when Thad spoke up. "That was really nice and all Kurt but we've already decided that Blaine should have the solo. Besides that song is a girl's song. We don't want to make any of the judges uncomfortable. It could cost us the competition."

Wes nodded his head to his fellow councilman in agreement. "Thank you for your suggestion Kurt but we need something a little more appropriate." Wes smiled patronizingly at him. When several of the other Warblers began to grumble he banged his gavel to signal the end of the discussion.

Embarrassed beyond comprehension, Kurt sunk down into the overly plush leather sofa and hoped to disappear. The Warblers were nothing like New Directions. Everything was decided by that damn committee of Stepford teens. Would it kill them to add a little Madonna to their line-up? How about wearing some costumes? What about choreography that involved more than step, slide, snap?

Kurt was pulled from his thoughts by that damn gavel being banged against the table. He hated that thing. The only person that should be in the possession of a gavel was a judge, a real one, not some ersatz version. That gavel was at the root of all his problems with the council.

When he had first come to Dalton, he'd heard a lot about Wes and his love for his gavel. It was the inside joke that was never discussed. Wes loved his gavel so much he named it after the famous television adjudicator. Kurt had snickered at the stories Blaine, David and Jonas had told him. The one thing they failed to tell him was how sensitive the teen was about it. So when Wes had welcomed him to the Warblers and he spied the gavel sticking out of Wes' pocket he asked, "Hey Wes is that gavel in your pocket – or are you just happy to see me?"

Looking back on it now, Kurt understood the uncomfortable silence that had filled the room. He would swear that he could hear every boy in the room gasp at his blunder. Wes had not spoken to him, except to beat down any of his ideas, since that moment. His career as a Warbler was irreparably damaged from that point on.

He could probably have prevailed if Thad wasn't totally in love with Blaine. Kurt didn't understand Thad at all. He was so straight you could balance a pendulum on his sexuality but his man crush on Blaine was the stuff epic love stories were made from. If you asked Thad, sunshine burst out of Blaine's butt. More than once Kurt had heard Thad say that Blaine sang a song better than the original artist. Kurt wondered what Thad's girlfriend thought about the bromance going on between them.

Kurt was once again pulled from his wandering thoughts by the sound of a gavel being pounded against the council's table. "Kurt we could interrupt your oh so important deep thoughts for a minute?"

"Sorry, I was trying to think of a more appropriate song for Sectionals." Kurt smiled sweetly.

"If you had listened to someone else for once, you would have heard Thad's suggestion."

He grimaced knowing a Katy Perry solo for Blaine was going to be the suggestion. "My apologizes fellow Warblers. What was your suggestion Thad?"

Thad frowned as he detected the sarcasm wafting his way from the newest Warbler. "I think Blaine should sing a song that highlights his voice."

"Of course you do," Kurt mumbled. "Any song specifically?"

"I was thinking Firework." Thad turned from Kurt and smiled widely at Blaine.

Kurt giggled at Blaine's tight return smile but quickly quieted at Wes' reprimand that followed the banging of his gavel. "Kurt if you are done daydreaming about your own solo please join the rest of the Warblers in formation."

It was that moment that Kurt decided that it was time to take the Warbler council down – starting with Wes. He would get that Warbler and his little gavel too.


It was late the next night when Kurt stole into Winchester hall. Technically it was early the next morning. Kurt had removed his uniform and was dressed head to toe in black. He had removed his shoes to insure his stealth movements would remain undetected by the enemy. Creeping down the hall, he stopped in front of Room 314. He put his ear to the door and listened to the even sounds of the snoring within the room.

Kurt slowly turned the doorknob but was unsurprised to find the door locked. Nobody in Dalton locked their door. Wes never struck him as the trusting sort so Kurt had come prepared for the possibility that he'd need to break in to the room using more Machiavellian means. Slipping the lock picking kit he had from the auto shop out of his jacket pocket, he quickly gained entry.

Wes was lying stiffly on his back with the covers tucked up to his neck. If it weren't for his snoring, Kurt would have thought he was faking sleep. He'd never seen anyone sleep so formally. Kurt expected Joan Crawford to come jumping out of the shadows yelling about wire hangers.

He quickly scanned the desk for any sign of his victim but found nothing. He searched the satchel that hung on the back of the chair - nothing. Kurt looked around the room for another hiding place. There was nothing. Where was Judy? He glanced over at Wes after the teen let a particularly loud snore. Surely not, he thought to himself. Even Wes isn't creepy enough to sleep with a gavel. Not being able to withstand the suspense, Kurt gently tugged the blanket down and revealed Judy lying on the teen's chest beneath Wes' folded hands.

If it weren't for the fear of recrimination, Kurt would have taken a picture of the sleeping boy and posted it on facebook. Instead of creating incriminating evidence, Kurt slipped the gavel from the boy's hands a la the Grinch leaving behind a ransom note in its place.

FORget SingINg FiREworK

oR JUdY gETs thE CHippEr

Kurt smiled at the sleeping teen. He couldn't wait until tomorrow. He slipped out of the room soundlessly and made his way down the hall for quick unseen escape.


Kurt woke up the next morning with a smile on his face and tune in his heart. Whistling happily he left the house before anyone else, as usual, and stopped off at his favorite coffee shop for a treat for himself and Blaine. He was careful not to do anything out of the ordinary. Oh he knew that Wes would know it was him but Kurt wasn't about to let him prove it.

He found his best friend in a circle of whispering Warblers in the Great Room. Kurt handed Blaine a cup of coffee. "What are you guys whispering about? Did Abercrombie and Fitch coming out with their new Spring line?"

"You haven't heard?"

"I just got here. I don't live on campus. Spill David. What's going on?"

"Someone snuck into Wes' room and stole The Gavel."

Kurt snickered, "I can practically hear the capital letters in that. Are you sure he didn't just misplace it? Perhaps he left it in the choir room." They all looked at Kurt like he was crazy.

"No way. I heard he sleeps with it."

"He sleeps with his gavel." Kurt raised his eyebrows in surprise. "That's just disturbing."

David laughed, "Maybe someone was trying to save Judy from being violated."

"Maybe it was Vocal Adrenaline."

"That's stupid Josh why would Vocal Adrenaline care about the Warblers. We lost Regionals."

"What did Wes say?"

The vague look of concern on Blaine's face was dampened by the delighted twinkle in his hazel eyes. "I could barely understand him. He was talking about a ransom and mumbling about dusting for prints."

Kurt let out a inelegant snort. "He's dusting for prints?"

"Yeah he said something about kidnapping being a capital offense."

"Riiiight." Kurt took another sip from his coffee and chuckled at the next step in his scheme. "I've got to get to AP Calc. See you guys at 4 o'clock for practice?"

Blaine stayed behind to conceivable say his goodbyes for he ran to catch up with Kurt. "Hey Kurt you didn't have anything to do with the missing gavel would you?"

"What would I do with gavel Blaine? Seriously, Wes' obsession of that thing is a little creepy."

"I know but he's really on the warpath. He said he wouldn't rest until the guilty party was found and properly sanctioned."

"Blaine I'm sure it will all blow over in a few days."

"I don't think so Kurt. I hope you realize that you are suspect number one."

"Me? What did I do?"

"You've had it in for Wes and Judy since your first day!"

"It was just a joke!"

"Regardless of whether it was a joke or not Wes is going to suspect you."

"Damn right I suspect you!" Wes stalked up to the couple with a scowl on his face and his hands on his hips.

"Well, I have an alibi." Kurt smirked.

"You do?" Blaine interrupted obviously not believing that Kurt had nothing to do with the disappearance of Judy.

"Of course. I was at home."

"Do you have any witnesses that can corroborate your story?"

"I ate dinner with my parents and brother. We watched Pretty Little Liars and then I studied in my room for the rest of the night."

"Oh my God Ian is totally not dead!" Blaine excitedly interrupted the conversation.

"How can you say that? He was dangling from the rope at the end of the show."

"But his body was missing."

"A came in and removed the body while the girls were waiting for the police."

"How would A know the were in the church?"

"Excuse me fanboys Kurt and I were discussing why he kidnapped Judy."

"First of all A knows everything Blaine. Second you can't kidnap and inanimate object." Kurt ignored Wes' dissention. "And third I did not kidnap Judy."

The bell rang signaling they were late to class. "I'm watching you Hummel."

"Hmm, thanks for the heads up. But I'm taken." He winked at Wes and slid in the door to his class.

While in class, Kurt took out his phone and attached a picture of Judy dressed up in a grass skirt and a mini lei with the notation, "Wish you were here." The fake facebook page he created had taken a while but it was worth it. He couldn't wait for 4 o'clock to come.


AN: For those of you too young to catch the references, Judge Judy was one of the first female judges to have her courtroom filmed as a reality television show. The movie "Mommie Dearest" portrayed Joan Crawford as a physically and verbally abusive mother. Although the movie is old it is still a favorite of mine. This chapter has been edited thanks to a smart catch by D.H. Knightly. Thanks!