This is a prequel to my story A Life Once Shared... You don't need to read it first but it can be found here.

In the past I have always written Rose and John as very much in love but I seriously doubt it would have been like that immediately so this is me exploring what might have happened after events on that beach at Bad Wolf Bay.

I'm not greatly enamoured with it but I've done my best. It's still a work in progress so you may have to be patient with me further down the line.

I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter One

He was gone.

Gone and it hadn't looked like he was planning on ever coming back. But she'd crossed worlds for him! Risked her life over and over and for what?

As she thought those words she felt a hand slip in to her own. She held on to him but she didn't understand why. She looked at him and then back to the spot the TARDIS had been stood on. She felt a single tear track down her face and angrily brushed it aside. He didn't want her and had left her with this… thing, a half breed, a mongrel creation born from him and Donna.

She shook her hand free and looked back at… well him. But he wasn't him.

The silence was broken by Jackie,

"So what do we call him then? Doctor?"

"No!" replied Rose instantly, "He isn't the Doctor."

"But we have to call him something!"

"Whatever, don't you have to call Dad or something?"

"Whatever? What do you mean Whatever?"

"I mean we can call him Whatever, but you need to call Dad and get him to send someone here and Tony needs picking up too."

The man they were talking about as if he wasn't even there had had enough. When he spoke it was in a low voice and with just a hint of menace lacing his words.

"You will not call me Whatever. You will not speak about me as if I am not here and after what I just said to you you can at least look at me when I speak to you!" The last words were said in anger and Rose took a step back from him. Shock was evident on her face and he immediately regretted his tone.

He said more softly,

"I meant… Just call me John."

He turned from them both and lowered his long body to the sand and held his head in his hands.

"Is he alright?" Jackie asked Rose.

Rose shrugged, "Call Dad Mum."

She did but she kept glancing at John, he was rubbing his temples and looked utterly exhausted and defeated. She reasoned that he would come back to the mansion with them and feel better after food and a good sleep. She looked again at her daughter. Why was she avoiding looking at him? Couldn't she see what they had given her?

She approached Rose after speaking with Pete.

"We'll need to book ourselves in to a hotel for tonight but he'll have someone to us in the morning and Tony's fine. You should check on him."

"What do I say to him?"

"Just ask him if he's OK… he doesn't look that well."

Rose finally looked at him and she had to agree. Actually now she was looking at him properly she felt a pang of regret at how she had spoken of him. He looked like shit. Well what she could see of him. His head was in his hands and he was shaking. Was he crying?

She approached him and touched his shoulder,

"Hey."

His head jerked up and he winced at the sudden movement. He wasn't crying but pain was etched on his face. He lowered his head to his hands again without speaking.

"Um John? Is it John?"

He didn't answer. So she continued,

"We need to get off the beach, the tide is coming in and you'll get a wet behind sitting there. John?"

He raised his head and rose to his feet unsteadily.

"You don't look very well John." And then to Jackie, "We need to get to a hotel fast, he's not well."

"I think there is one a short walk away. I remember it from the last time we were here."

Rose bowed her head but extended a hand to John,

"Let me help you."

He tried to spit that he didn't need her help but the pain in his head chose that moment to intensify and he fell to his knees with a cry of undisguised agony.

"Mum! Help me!"

Jackie knelt directly in front of John and gently pulled his hands away from his head. If Rose was unable to show this man some compassion she would have to do it.

"John listen to me the pain in your head do you know what it is?"

"Yes." whispered John. "It's the metacrisis. My head… too much stuff in my head."

"What can we do to help you? Pain killers?"

"No, no I need to sleep. Let my head try and resolve this without my interference. Oh God Donna!"

Rose was instantly alert,

"Donna? Will this be happening to her?"

"Yes." John groaned, "He'll have to… wipe… her. Oh God I can't stand it!"

"Yes you can. We are going to get you to somewhere you can sleep. Rose get on one side, I'll go to the other." and then to John "We'll carry you if we have to, come on."

Between them they managed the mile from the sea front to a small family run hotel. As soon as they entered the lobby Rose steered John to a chair which he fell in to while Jackie made a reservation for them for the night. When she returned she spoke in a whisper to Rose,

"They've only got one room left and it's a family room so we'll just have to manage and share."

Several minutes later and they had manhandled John in to the room. The proprietor had quizzed them as to John's condition and Jackie had fobbed him off with stories of the Mother of all Migraines. It was the closest she could get to the truth without using words like alien and metacrisis.

Rose stared down at him dispassionately before turning to her Mother,

"When will we be able to leave?"

"I don't know love, Dad said tomorrow morning but it really depends on how he is."

"I'm going for a walk. I'll bring some fish and chips back for us."

"You don't want to stay with him?"

"He isn't him Mum; he's John or whatever he wants to be called. Anyway he isn't the Doctor. You can stay and play nursemaid if you like."

"Rose I don't understand you. Go. I'll stay with him."

When Rose left Jackie did her best to make John comfortable. She pulled off his converse and removed his suit trousers and jacket. She left on his boxers and t shirt and wet a hand towel with cold water which she wiped his exposed skin down with before draping it across his forehead. That seemed to soothe him and she stayed with him as he fell in to a light sleep.

Chapter Two

Rose left the hotel and walked aimlessly along the sea front. She thought if she kept going long enough she was bound to come to a chippie soon enough and then she'd have to go back.

She knew her Mother didn't understand and she wasn't sure she did either. John wasn't him and it was him that she loved. But he had rejected her. Told her no and told her to look after John.

What had John meant about too much stuff in his head and wiping Donna? If he had too much stuff in his head how would he resolve that? She smiled as she remembered the Doctor hitting his head and saying he was thick and needed a bigger head. Her smile faded as she thought of what needing a bigger head might mean for John. He couldn't grow a bigger head and there was no one here available to *wipe* him... Whatever that meant.

Whatever, had she really said call him Whatever. Her cheeks burned as she remembered her words to Jackie but he wasn't the Doctor and she loved the Doctor… but he had refused her.

She sighed; she was going around in circles. He was gone and she was left with John. She didn't have to love him but she could at least help her Mother look after him. He was obviously in pain.

Finally she found that she had walked in to the small sea side town and alongside a takeaway chippie she found a convenience store. Despite what John had said she picked up some pain killers. She figured they couldn't hurt unless of course they were Aspirin; would John be allergic to those too? She decided that today wasn't the time to find out and after paying for her purchases she picked up some food before walking back the way she had come.

She was almost back when her phone rang she answered it and before she'd even said hello she could hear Jackie,

"Rose where are you? Get back here now! I don't know what's going on with John but it isn't good!"

"Alright calm down I'm almost there." She flipped her phone shut and ran the rest of the way back. She flew past the dumbstruck night clerk and up the stairs and to their room. When she burst through the door her mouth dropped open at the scene before her. All of John's visible skin was flushed and covered by raised bumps that looked like a nettle rash and he was clearly having trouble breathing, his breath was coming in short gasps and his breathing rate was rapid.

Rose looked at an open packet of pills on the table by the bed and spoke sharply.

"What are those?"

"Only aspirin I thought they might help with his pain."

Rose's eyes went wide.

"Call an ambulance!"

"What?"

"Call an ambulance Mum! The Doctor is allergic to aspirin it would seem he is too."

As Jackie did as she asked Rose moved to John. He looked terrified, his eyes were wide and he was trying to talk.

She hushed him but he was determined to speak and Rose turned to Jackie,

"Mum have you got one of Tony's inhalers on you?"

"Yes." she passed it to Rose whilst holding on the line to the ambulance controllers. "The ambulance is on its way but I have to hold the line."

Rose spoke as calmly as she could to John.

"Listen to me. You're allergic to Aspirin, just like the Doctor but an ambulance is coming. I'm going to put this pump in your mouth and I'll press it when you breathe in OK?"

He nodded and she did as she had told him. She depressed the plunger as he gasped in and after a few pumps his breathing became slightly calmer. Rose could hear the wail of the ambulance's siren as it approached and reassured John that it was on its way.

He was trying to speak and she took the pump away from his mouth momentarily. As the ambulance men barrelled in to the room he spoke,

"I love you. Rose I love you. If…"

She was moved aside as an oxygen mask was placed over his face.

Several hours had passed and both Jackie and Rose were seated outside John's room. Jackie had insisted that he be treated privately she told Rose that as she had caused the problem she would fix it. When the doctor finally emerged he asked to speak to John's next of kin.

"Um he doesn't have one." answered Rose.

"Who had him brought here?"

"We did."

"And you know him how?"

"Friends, just friends. Can you tell us how he is?"

"He's lucky. He had a very severe reaction we will need to keep him with us overnight and he will need to see his own doctor as soon as possible and get himself prescribed some emergency medication to carry around with him from now on. You didn't know he had an allergy?"

"Mum didn't I thought he might, his… brother does."

"Brother? Then he has a next of kin."

"He um… he died."

"I'm sorry to hear that. He's an adult we can discharge him tomorrow but he will need some looking after for a few days. I've prescribed some pain medication for his headache."

"Can we see him?"

"Yes but he's sleeping and probably will now until the morning."

The doctor left and Rose and Jackie went in to his room.

"What do we do with him Mum?"

"Didn't you hear him? John and that doctor fella?"

Rose shook her head.

"Well that doctor said John will need looking after so he's coming home with you and me tomorrow and back in the hotel room John told you he loved you and I'm sure that is what he said on the beach too right before you kissed him."

"Mum I…"

"Don't say it Rose. He needs you. Please try…."

"I can't. I'm going back to the hotel."

"I don't understand what is going on in your head. You asked to see him and then you won't stay."

"I need time."

"Tonight he thought he didn't have any and he told you he loved you."

Rose nodded.

"Please don't push me. I need to think."

"I'm staying here. You go and think but don't leave it too long."

Chapter Three

Rose walked slowly back to the hotel and answered the night clerks rather nosey questions. Rose didn't mind too much, she doubted that it was every night an ambulance crew came crashing unannounced in to the hotel and whisked a guest off to hospital. A bit of excitement, even of that nature, would have to make the graveyard shift go faster.

As she closed the door to the room behind her she leant against it and shuddered at her mind using the word graveyard. What had happened tonight in the room could have so easily ended up with her and her family in a graveyard burying a man she didn't know but who had professed twice now that he loved her.

She shook her head to dispel the dark thoughts and moved to tidy and straighten the room out. Where John had lain was still damp with his sweat and as she rearranged the sheets she caught his scent. It caught in her throat and made her stop in her tracks. He smelt good. He smelt of him after a long and hard run. Her mind drifted back to the many times she had run with him; but he was gone, he'd left her, sealed her away in a different universe. If that didn't tell her he just wasn't in to her what would? She laughed softly even as a tear formed and slid slowly down her cheek.

The problem was she didn't know John but he knew her. He had all of the Doctor's memories of her but she had none of him because he wasn't the Doctor. She'd try and explain that to her Mother when she went back to the hospital in the morning.

She undressed slowly and showered before climbing in to the tiny single bed in the room. It was designed for a child to use but she didn't feel right using the bed John had lain on. He'd been in so much pain first with his head and then later when he hadn't been able to breathe due to the anaphylaxis he'd been so scared. She knew the hospital would be able to sort that condition out quickly but his head was another matter. Rose doubted that any doctor here would be able to help John with what his human brain now contained. John had said something abut having to wipe Donna's brain, she was afraid of what that might mean and when John was lucid she'd ask him about it. Finally she fell asleep.

Her phone trilling shrilly woke her and she answered it sleepily,

"Yeah?"

"Rose?"

"Mum yes, how are you?"

"Tired. Unlike you I haven't had any sleep. But the doctor says John can be discharged so we'll be arriving soon in a taxi and then when Pete's men get here we can get off home."

"How is he?"

"He's asking for you and he's in a lot of pain with his head but they say it's just a migraine and they've given him medication for it. We'll take him to out doctor if it doesn't improve at home."

"Tell him I'm looking forward to seeing him."

"I won't if that is a lie."

"It's not a lie Mum. It's just he has an advantage over me. He knows me and I don't know him."

"He's the Doctor Rose."

"He isn't but he has his memories so like I said he has me at a disadvantage."

"He doesn't mean to."

"I know. So yes I am looking forward to seeing him and getting to know him as well."

"I'll tell him that then. Please be gentle Rose he doesn't look well."

"Mum I will. Just get him here OK?"

"Yes love. See you soon."

Rose killed the connection and sighed heavily. She knew her Mother had expected her to fall in to John's arms and make a life with him and maybe she would but not yet. He was a stranger to her but she would at least try. She owed Jackie that if nobody else. It was Jackie who had supported her when she'd begun looking for the Doctor. It had been Jackie who had persuaded Pete to let her do what she needed to and use the Dimension Cannon so she owed her at least the time to try and make it work with John.

Chapter Four

When Jackie arrived she knocked smartly on the door and Rose was alarmed at how ill John still looked. He was leaning heavily on Jackie and his eyes were red rimmed and unfocussed. Rose immediately moved to his other side and took some of his weight from Jackie.

"It's a good job he's so thin or I'd never have made it along the corridor."

As they eased him down on to the bed Rose spoke,

"Should he even be upright? He looks terrible."

"They say he's not in any danger but he still has a shocking headache."

Rose knelt down in front of where John was seated on the bed and asked him,

"John can you hear me?"

He whispered, "Yes."

"You're in pain what can we do to help?"

"They gave me pain killers."

"But they aren't working are they?"

"No."

"And they won't will they?"

"No."

"What do you need?"

"Him."

"He isn't here."

"I know."

"So what can we do?"

"Sleep."

Rose stood up and lowered John gently to the mattress and pillows,

"Sleep then. I'll wake you when our ride arrives."

She sat down next to Jackie on the other bed in the room and sighed.

"You don't look so good either Mum."

"I'm just tired."

"You didn't sleep at all?"

"A little but hospital chairs aren't very comfortable."

"I'm sorry I left."

"So am I."

"No I mean it. I'm sorry I left I should have stayed."

"Yes you should have."

"I just needed time."

"So you keep saying. What did he mean when he said he needed him?"

"He needs the Doctor to do whatever he did to Donna to him."

"What did he do to Donna?"

"I don't know but John said something about wiping her."

"Wiping her?"

"I don't know Mum. All I do know is the Doctor isn't here so he can't do anything to John."

"Well he seems to think sleep will help."

"I think that is only because he can't feel it when he is asleep. When will the car be here?"

"Soon love, your Dad said soon."

Rose sighed and went back to watching John. Some time later the room's phone rang to let them know that their driver was here to take them to the air strip and the private jet that would take them back home to England and the mansion.

The journey was hard on John as the pressure made the pain in his head worse. Rose spent the whole flight with his head in her lap massaging his temples and holding wrapped ice blocks to his head which gave him some relief.

Pete had been told by Jackie that John would need a room of his own and he had had the room adjoining Rose's made up for him. After he had helped John to undress and shower he got him in to bed.

Pete was about to leave when Rose knocked at the door. When Pete opened it she asked,

"Is he awake?"

"He is for now but he says he needs to sleep again."

"It's all he's done since…."

"Since the Doctor left him with you?"

She nodded sadly.

"I don't know what to do Dad." Tears were close and Pete knew that.

"For now all we can do is look after him. Neither of us knows or understands what is going on and I'm not even sure he knows either but he told me no doctors and that he can sort this out himself."

"And if he can't?"

"If he can't then I can't see him being with us for long."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't speak for him but if I were in as much pain as he is and I could see no end to it…"

"Dad don't."

"I'm sorry, we'll look after him. He'll get through it you'll see."

Pete left and Rose moved to John's bed. He was sleeping but murmuring as he slept. She could make out the odd word, hand, dalek and her own name. He was dreaming about what they had just done. Maybe his brain was processing it and he'd be OK. Maybe she'd get a chance to get to know him. She raised her hand and brushed a lock of hair away from his face before pressing her palm to his forehead. He was hot and she moved to the rooms en suite to rinse a wash cloth in cold water.

A crashing noise alerted her to something going on in the room. She opened the door and her eyes widened in alarm. John was awake and had pushed all that had been on his bedside cabinet to the floor.

She coughed to alert him to her presence and then immediately wished she hadn't. His eyes swung to her and all she could see on his face was anger. Boiling, bitter rage. He snarled at her and rose unsteadily to his feet. She wanted to slam the door in his face, bolt it and hide until whatever had possessed him left but she couldn't move. She was literally rooted to the spot with fear.

He moved towards her his hand raised and she cowered away from him raising her own hands to protect herself but at the last moment he chose to hit the wall. He pounded it repeatedly until he had punched through the dry wall. His knuckles were glistening with blood and what was left of the wall was spattered with it as well.

Rose moved aside and circled around him moving slowly towards the rooms exit. When she reached it she fumbled with the key and opened the door to exit before locking it behind her.

What to do? She couldn't just leave him but if she went back in she was sure to be injured. She considered calling for help but feared what seeing John like this would mean for his recovery here and with nowhere else to send him she made the decision to re enter the room.

He'd stopped hitting the wall and was now seated on the floor and nursing his clearly broken hand. Rose spoke as calmly as she was able to,

"John, let me see your hand."

"No." The word had been spat at her.

"You're hurt. Let me at least clean it."

"NO! If it wasn't for this hand I wouldn't be here. You'd have him and Donna would be… Donna would still be brilliant."

Rose dropped to a crouch, she was still a distance away but she wanted to pose no threat to him so she dropped down to his level.

"We'd all be dead without you. Everything would be. The daleks would have won."

"That was Donna."

"And without you Donna would have died with the TARDIS."

"Born in battle. I was born in battle and I committed genocide, that's what he said but what choice did I have Rose? What choice did I have?" His voice had grown to a wail.

"Your hand, please let me look at your hand." she had crawled closer to him and stretched her own hand out to him as if he was a frightened, timid dog.

"NO! It needs to go!" as he had said that he stood and tore at the destroyed wall until he had a sharp edged section in his other hand. Without a moments hesitation he slashed at his wrist. His flesh ripped and Rose screamed as he dropped unconscious to the floor.

Chapter Five

For a second she stood rooted to the spot but then her first aid training kicked in. She dropped to her knees and checked that he was breathing and had a pulse then she ran to the bathroom and grabbed towels with which to staunch the flow of blood and wrapped them around his wrist before screaming at the top of her lungs for help.

Jackie was the first in to the room and she paled when she saw the previously white towel red with blood.

"Mum just sit down and call an ambulance."

Pete arrived moments behind his wife.

"Dad don't let Tony see this." He nodded and backed away closing the door behind him. Once Jackie had made the call and an ambulance was on the way she told Pete to expect the emergency vehicle and went back to Rose.

John was still out cold and still bleeding heavily. Rose had added as many towels as the room contained and she then tore a strip off a pillow case and tied it as tight as she could around John's arm. Jackie had taken in the state of the room and asked,

"Did you argue?"

"No I.. No he was asleep but quite warm so I went to get a cool cloth and when I came back he'd thrown all the stuff off his cabinet on the floor and then he did that." she pointed to the wall.

"And he cut himself punching the wall?"

"Yes, no… Oh Mum!" she broke down in tears as they heard the wail of the sirens approaching the mansion. They made way for the paramedics who stabilised John for his journey to hospital. They didn't ask what had happened and just quietly worked on their patient. When Rose was asked if she wanted to ride in the ambulance with John Jackie interrupted and said,

"No I'll drive you."

They left immediately behind the ambulance but it soon lost them as it sped through red lights and traffic.

Jackie broke the silence that had fallen between them,

"It wasn't an accident was it?"

Rose shook her head and whispered, "No."

"What happened love?"

"He was talking about being born in battle and committing genocide, he asked me what choice he had had and he is right there had been no choice it was them of everyone else you, me and him included."

Jackie probed gently, "And?"

"And I asked to look at his hand. It's broken Mum and it was all bloody I just wanted to see what he had done to it you know? And he said it had to go and he stood up and grabbed a piece of the dry wall off and… and…"

"… and he cut himself with it." finished Jackie quietly.

"Yes and then he…" Rose swallowed, "and then he passed out. What do I tell them when they ask what happened?"

"DIY accident and your Dad will make sure the press get that story too."

Rose covered her face with her hands and bowed her head,

"I hadn't even thought of the press… They'll have a field day.

"Not if it's handled properly. We need to go inside Rose."

"Time to face the music."

"It'll be OK."

When Rose announced who she was and who she was here with she was presented with a myriad of forms to complete on John's behalf. She did her best and fudged the answers she didn't know. Pete had already said he would be providing John with an identity through Torchwood now she would have some names and dates to give him to cover their tracks.

When his wound had been cleaned and stitched he was free to leave. His hand and wrist were heavily bandaged and supported in a sling and he had been given more pain killers.

"You could open a pharmacy." joked Jackie.

"Mum don't." And then to John, "Are you ready to come home?"

When he didn't reply she asked again,

"John are you ready to come home?"

"You don't want me there."

"Yes we do. Tell him Rose."

"I was dumped on you. The murderer, dumped on you to be made better like I'm not good enough already. I need making better. He'd have done the same. It was kill or be killed."

"He'd have warned them." muttered Rose.

"Oh yes that would be right, warn a Dalek! Now Daleks be good chaps and would you mind awfully not destroying the whole of creation?"

"This isn't helping." added Jackie quietly.

"No it isn't but sarcasm is all I've got right now."

Rose spoke next,

"How's your head?"

"Too small for what it's trying to contain... which explains the pain."

"You don't seem to be in pain now."

"Now I have it under control."

"John we need you to come home with us."

"And I will… for now."

Rose didn't question further and they all three left together after making appointments at the hospitals fracture clinic for John.

When they arrived back at the mansion Rose followed John upstairs. Pete had had the wall patched and the room had been cleaned and fresh linen dressed the bed. Rose moved forwards to help John get ready for bed.

"Let me give you a hand." she covered her mouth as she realised her gaffe, "I'm sorry."

"I don't need your help or for you to stay and watch me."

"I think you do." the words slipped out before Rose could stop them.

John retorted angrily,

"I'm not a child!"

"No you're not a child; you're days old; you're an infant. An infant who is capable of attempting suicide."

"I wasn't…"

"Well what were you doing then? Cos that is what it looked like to me! You slashed your wrist with a lump of dry wall!"

"I wasn't trying to kill myself."

"What then?"

"I was trying to exorcise him. He's in my head. I can feel him in here everything he is and ever was it's all in here and it hurts… It hurts so much. I love you, he loves you so I love you but I love you for me not because he does. And you love him but all you got was me, the consolation prize. You're the runner up Rose and I'm the prize. You get me to make me better. You get me to make me see the error of my genocidal ways. But tell me Rose what should I have done? What would he have really done? Given them a chance and then what? Cos they'd have turned that chance down you have to know that and then what hmmm? Then what?"

"I don't know but I do know one thing you're not the consolation prize and I'm no runner up."

"That's two things." He winced.

"Yes it is, and you're in pain and you need more sleep and I'm staying here until you are at least asleep. Oh and please do me a favour… if you want to hit something again make it your pillow."

He smiled gently and allowed Rose to remove his shoes before he lay himself down on the bed.

"I can't make you change your mind?"

"No you can't and we'll talk some more in the morning…. Go to sleep."