17"Whatever"
by MissCrayons
For Bas and Katie
In loving memory of Amanda
Chapter 1: The Beginning
This story begins directly within the Angel episode Orphius during Season Four.
Faith was leaning against a wall. Her mind still replaying everything that had happened today, not least fact that she was aching everywhere. Now that it was done, she felt it was the first time she could acknowledge the full extent of the beating she had taken. Unconsciously her hand went to the newly bandaged wound, tracing along the dressing gingerly, as if to make sure it did still hurt and it wasn't all in her imagination. Faith liked pain, she wouldn't deny it, there was nothing quite so grounding. You never felt as real as you did when you where in agony. Willow had offered to heal it magically, but Faith had declined, her inner-slayer healed her quickly enough and she felt it was cheating somehow. Even now a lot of the initial sting had gone, it was already healing.
Angel watched Faith quietly and from a safe distance, his head was all over the place, you'd think after a certain amount of time and practice guilt wouldn't still hit him like a sledge hammer. If ever there was an expert on feeling guilty, it was him, then again if ever there was somebody who had endless reasons and causes for feeling guilty it was him. Then again, he knew what happened when he stopped feeling guilty, and that very fact alone made it somewhat easier to bear. Still, having everything dredged up like that, fresh in his mind? All the vampire wanted to do at this moment in time was sit in a dark room with his thoughts.
Standing there, so still, bathed in the moonlight with her thoughts a million miles away, lost in the stars and the past, he couldn't help but think she looked young. Innocent. How deceptive moonlight was. He knew her, for what she was as well as what she could be, there was no innocence left in Faith. It made him feel closer to her. When he was with Faith, he knew she understood the guilt, the constant overwhelming shame of your past.
So many people in his life lived in black and white, it was always comforting to have another that recognised how many shades of grey there were between those colours.
"Hey," she said softly, still feeling slightly anxious around the vampire, Angel hadn't realised that he'd been caught staring.
"How're you feeling?" Angel walked closer to Faith, since there was no point in staying in the shadows if she knew he was there. Really he hadn't wanted this awkward scene, but a larger part of him had known it was inevitable. If she noticed the horror in his eyes when she dropped her fingers from her bandage, she didn't call him on it.
"Like I did 'shrooms and then got eaten by a bear" Faith quipped, her tone was light but there was little of the usual defiance in her eyes, she was trying to lighten the tense atmosphere. Which meant she felt it too. Angel shifted his weight to accommodate the increase on his shoulders.
"That about sums it up." Angel agreed. Trying to join in with Faith's attempt at light humour, "and now you're going to Sunnydale?" there was a hesitance in his tone that he couldn't shake, probably because he didn't want to lose the bit of comfort he always found in the slayer's presence. Maybe it was just jealousy, because she was going where he knew he couldn't any more. It helped that she didn't look anywhere near enthusiastic to go either. Then again, what was her alternative? Back to high security in a jumpsuit.
"I think I'd prefer the bear, but the way Willow talks it up..." Faith paused for a second and looked into Angels eyes "it's where I'm needed." Angel was the first to look away, then he moved a few steps forward and leaned on the rail next to Faith. For a moment it looked as if he were about to say something but he didn't. Neither did for a few minutes. She was doing it, making a change, trying, he liked to think he'd helped in that. Faith was a strong girl and he hoped that she'd have found her way without him eventually.
"Never stop fighting" Angel muttered, as if more to himself than to Faith.
"Hey! I was going to, until somebody got all pep-talky on me." Faith grinned and Angel couldn't help but smile. It was short lived, Faith rolled her eyes, heaven forbid anybody caught him not brooding.
"Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't get to see you. Our little brain trip not with-standing."
"Another time." Both knew there probably wouldn't be another time, at least not unless something went horribly wrong. They only tended to see each other when one of them fell of the wagon, and that was something neither would hope for. Plus Faith was going to the Hellmouth, to face another apocalypse, there was every chance she'd die. Angel stood there for a moment, fully absorbing the fact that this may well be the last time he saw her.
"I have a lot to thank you for - " Angel stopped when he saw Faith shaking her head lightly,
"And vice-versa, but I even start it's only going to lead to hugging and - " Faith stopped, she glanced up at Angel and saw that he knew exactly what she meant, the two kept eye contact for a few minutes until Faith shrugged it off and smiled half-heartedly.
"Right" Angel sighed, "We can't have that".
"No." Faith turned and headed inside, Angel's eyes following her for a few moments, he could let her walk away right now so easily, he found he was arguing internally with himself. A crossroads. 'You might never see her again, she saved your life, their lives', his subconscious won and he called out,
"Faith?"
Faith turned around, looking at Angel questioningly, Angel took full opportunity of the hesitation, walked up to her and wrapped his thick arms around her albeit somewhat awkwardly.
"Ugh, you're going soft." Though she was smiling through the muffled words, her arms wrapped around the vampire affectionately. It felt strange, she'd had the biggest crush on Angel throughout her time in Sunnydale, and it had always been there really, even beyond her want to get under Buffy's skin. Angel was an attractive guy, but being close to him like this felt off. Familiar, but off. She'd instinctively expected to feel heat, but of course there was none, just a firm presence against her. A repulsion, she wondered if that was her inner slayer-defence mechanism kicking in. The feeling of wrong. Emptiness.
Sort of like hugging rock.
When she glanced up, proud of herself for making the observation in her head and not out loud, she was surprised to see Angel looking down at her.
"Do you feel better now? Can we disengage?" Faith was grinning and Angel rolled his eyes and pulled away, "oh don't play coy, I can see you laughing." The slayer followed Angel inside, ready to face her fate and head once more to the Hellmouth. It was a thing she was dreading for multiple reasons, not least because she would have to face Buffy. It wasn't that she didn't like the other slayer, it was just that she'd failed so many times. Buffy had witnessed Faith's worst screw ups. Every single thing she was ashamed of herself for, she saw reflected back at her through Buffy's eyes. It was a hard cross to bear. But if this whole experience had taught her anything it was that the hardest things were better faced than avoided.
Buffy needed help and Faith couldn't ignore that. They shared something, something that was bigger than shame and regret. They were needed, special. Chosen.
"Faith, Willow is waiting" Wesley instructed, Angel turned back around and Faith nodded. There was a strange look in her former watcher's eyes, one that wasn't related to his usual 'I-failed-you' look. One day people would look at her without pity. Without guilt. Without fear. That day would be fantastic. The day people stopped assuming she was broken and started realising that she was just her, doing the very best she could and trying to be counted. The slayer nodded and headed back out into the main foyer of the hotel to meet up with the others, leaving Wesley frowning at Angel.
"What are you doing?" he asked, voice filled with trepidation.
"Hugging. I've heard it's customary between people."
In truth Angel didn't hug, he wasn't the type, he liked to keep his distance. Hugging was dangerous for him, the smell, the warmth, the comfort. For this very reason, Faith against him had felt strange. It felt familiar, having a warm, strong body against him. A girl who was the same height as Buffy, the same athletic frame, a slayer. It was just another thing to remind him, constant ghosts of his past and everything he didn't have.
Cordelia hugged him a lot, but she felt different. Soft. Yielding. He had to be careful with her.
He missed Buffy in those moments more than he had in a very long time, or at least he missed something, the way she'd made him feel, emotions that he'd never had before her. Not able to put his fingers on his feelings exactly he did what he did best, pushed them down and pretended that he wasn't having them.
He'd lost Buffy. He'd lost Cordelia. And now it felt for all the world like he was losing Faith too. Which was ridiculous because he'd never had her in the first place.
"It's going to take me at least a night to fix it," the faint grumble of thunder in the distance punctuated the sentence "and that's if this is one of those magical storms where it doesn't rain. You're not going before tomorrow." Angel walked in towards the last half of Gunn's sentence and he frowned,
"What's wrong with the car?"
"It won't start" Faith chipped in helpfully, having come in a few minutes before.
"Maybe I just need to try it again.." Willow offered optimistically, "maybe there's a spell..."
"Whoah, no thank you, I'm not driving all the way from LA to SunnyHell in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. No matter how much danger there is. Sorry Red."
"We can't waste another night, there's-"
"All sorts of bad things going down, I know, but unless you want me to go steal us a ride-" Angel scowled, Wesley almost protested, Faith grinned, it was the reaction she'd wanted. Sometimes people were so predictable "I'd say let's crash here for tonight and see how quickly we can get it fixed tomorrow. Sunnydale isn't going anywhere and to be honest, I'm beat."
"What do you think this is, a hotel or something?" Angel quipped, his expression cloaked so that the relief of a short reprieve of saying goodbye didn't show "of course you're welcome to stay."
"Do we get those little mints, on the pillows?" Faith goaded,
"No. And no stealing the shampoo's either."
"There are shampoo's?" Faith's eyes lit up,
"Only ours...".
"Oh so it's like an Easter Egg hunt to find goodies? I'm in!" Faith grinned and Wesley looked like he was about to comment when Faith put her hand up "relax. I'm all reformed, promise. Now I'm going to find out if this place has a bar. Or a pool."
Faith disappeared off into the hotel, and everybody else watched after her for a long minute.
"She packed a costume?" The others fixed her with amused looks, and after a beat Gunn got it. "Oh. Maybe I should..." Gunn started, but quickly changed his track after seeing the very poignant look from Fred "go absolutely nowhere near the pool. Got it. Too soon?" He added with a bitter smirk. Angel watched the former couple curiously, he didn't pretend to understand the intricacies of human relationships.
Fred looked suitably uncomfortable before excusing herself and disappearing into the office.
The conversation died down and without the slayer in play it seemed decided that they would spend the night here before heading back. Gunn would fix the car in the morning, he'd already headed out to get some parts. Willow had waited until everybody had gone before finding Angel.
"What if she changes her mind and disappears" the witch asked gently. It was something she was struggling with, trusting Faith. It was partly why she'd wanted to get her back as quickly as possible. If Faith was going to change her mind, it meant scary things for Sunnydale. Loath as she was to admit it, they needed more help, they needed more muscle. It was just unfortunate that the other slayer was unpredictable and changeable. A part of her wished that Faith would hurry up and die already so that another slayer could be called. Which made her feel even worse about herself.
"I don't think she will." Even Angel didn't seem one hundred percent convinced, "I'll keep an eye on her. You go and get some sleep."
