Not Enough
Return to Sender.
I slipped the envelope into the post, hastily wiping my tears away.
It was my own fault, my mistake. And now I would have to take responsibility for what I did.
I couldn't hurt Soda, not again. Not after what I did. To rid him of any pain, I had to let him go.
"I'm pregnant." The words barely escaped my mouth.
Soda stared at me. "W-what?"
I swallowed. "I'm pregnant." I repeated, my voice barely above a whisper.
Soda looked at the ground. I could detect the pain in his eyes.
"Is.. is it mine?" He already knew the answer, since we had never done it before.
"N-no." I stuttered, and Soda's facial expression was one of pain and anger.
"You.. you cheated on me." He said slowly, as if he couldn't believe it.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered, my tears escaping my eyes.
After a moment of silence, I looked up at him.
"Who is it?" He asked, his voice hardening.
"Who is what?" I replied, knowing full well what he meant.
"Who's the father?" I had never heard Soda speak like this.
"It.. it doesn't matter." I looked away from him, barely able to hide my shame.
"Yes it does Sandy. Who's the father?"
I gulped, and avoided looking into his eyes. "Brett Manson."
Soda's eyes widened. "Brett Manson? From the Brumly Boys?"
I nodded.
"Why him, Sandy? You know I hate his guts.. after he beat me that day."
"I don't know, Soda. I really don't." I replied, wiping my tears away.
I sighed as I made my way back to my grandmother's house.
The truth is, the thing I craved most was attention. I just wanted to feel good.
I mean, Soda was like the pefect boyfriend, he gave me everything I needed, but for me.. it wasn't enough. I craved something more.
Soda was always busy doing other things. Sometimes, when we went to a drag race together, he would barely acknowledge my presence.
He would get so caught up in the competition he'd let go of my hand and wander away. And I'd get so fed up that I'd leave.
All I wanted was to feel good. This came in the form of Brett Manson.
That day, a few months ago, Soda and I went along to a drag race, and Brett was there.
They raced. Soda lost, and Brett made him mad. Since Dallas Winston was there, he helped to stop a fist fight between the two.. which Soda started.
Brett made me feel good. After Soda went off with Dallas Winston, Brett gave me compliments.. and I felt like a girl again. I felt really great about myself, and I was getting the attention I felt I deserved.
When Brett asked me to Buck Merril's that night for a party, I couldn't refuse. I loved being noticed, and I liked it when he made me feel good.
He never told me there would be alcohol at the party, honestly he didn't. I thought the punch tasted weird and I asked him about it, but he simply said Buck had a new supplier.
I didn't refuse when he asked me to a room. I was drunk by that point, anyway. He led me into a room, and one thing led to another.. long story short, I made the biggest mistake of my life that night.
"Come on, Sandy. There has to be some reason. Why?" Soda's eyes escaped a tear, no matter how tough he was trying to act.
"I.. I'm sorry. I'm leaving tomorrow, to my grandmother's. I'm sorry." I turned to leave, but he grabbed my wrist.
"Sandy, this could be our chance! We could begin our brand new life together! We could get married, and I could help raise the kid.. I don't care if it's not mine. Not anymore. Please Sandy, I love you. I don't want to lose you."
Soda's eyes held raw pain. I looked into his eyes, and I so badly wanted to accept. The truth was, I loved him right back, and I really did want to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I couldn't. I couldn't live with Soda every single day of my life and watch him see my mistake grow up.. I couldn't put him through it.
I broke free from his grasp. "I'm sorry Soda, I really am. I love you."
Soda stood there, a single tear running down his cheek.
I gulped, and wiped my tears away. "Goodbye, Sodapop Curtis, goodbye."
I sat on the deck chair when I reached the house. Besides letting Soda go, mailing that letter back was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. So badly I wanted to run back to the post, rip open the letter and read what he had to say.
So badly I wanted to go back to Tulsa, run if I had to, to spend the rest of my life with Sodapop Curtis. But in my heart, I knew I'd done the right thing. I couldn't let Soda live with the daily reminder about how I hurt him. I just couldn't let him live with that.
I did love him, I truly did, and only after I moved did I realize how much. Never once did he hit me, critisize me, or blame me for any of his problems. He was a perfect gentleman, the one who could never hurt a fly, except when he got really mad. He was the handsome, charming greaser who would always have my heart.
He was Sodapop Curtis, and hurting him was the worst mistake I had ever made.
