AUTUMN DAYS
DISCLAIMER: I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking that this is some lame attempt to reclaim all the good
reviews I got for Summer Days. Well, you're completely wrong.
Wrong, you hear me? The fact that this and Summer Days use
exactly the same characters and assign them more or less the same
personalities is just happenstance, not design. Oh, and the choice of
name? Well, it happens to be autumn where I live, so it was the first
thing that came to mind. And to clear things up for a few people who
have no idea what I'm talking about, autumn is that season after
summer and before winter where it's not warm enough to have fun at
the beach but not cold enough to stop ice and snow from melting.
Oh,
and of course, I don't own any of the characters in this story.
Nintendo owns them all with the exception of Theau Thor. Who is Theau
Thor? Nobody knows, and to this day the identity of The auThor
remains quite a mystery. It is in no way an attempt to circumvent the
ugly "Author's note" clauses or add some cheap humour.
Now,
considering the length of this disclaimer (epically long) I wouldn't
be surprised if you spend more time reading it than you do reading
the story. Meh, as long as the reviews come in.
That was a
threat.
Chapter 1
The blast signature made it
quite clear that this was no pipe bomb. If Samus Aran could venture a
guess, considering the type of explosive and its immaculate
placement, judging by the way in which the blast had only ripped open
the necessary walls and the minimalist approach to use of explosives,
that she was dealing with an expert here. Probably a hired assassin,
or, as she preferred to euphemise it, a "bounty hunter". Which
was ridiculous, because there was only one bounty hunter who had been
in the vicinity at the time, and- no.
There had been two.
It
was ridiculous, implausible, that the other bounty hunter would have
done such a thing, although considering that individual's
personality, perhaps she shouldn't have been so surprised when
realisation hit her. Nobody else could have done it, save her, and
she knew perfectly well that she had had no involvement in the entire
mess.
A footstep sounded behind her.
The entire world condensed
into a split second and she spun around, dropping to one knee,
raising her arm cannon, firing in the direction of the noise before
she even saw Captain Falcon's malicious grin.
A barrage of
missiles, beams, bombs, and thrown debris. Falcon was still smiling
obnoxiously as the final missile plunged straight into his gut and
caused him to explode. His last scream was one of pain and
ago-
"Samus?"
-ny and the look on his face was-
"Samus?"
said Zelda. "Have you fallen asleep?"
"Mmm?" said Samus,
straightening her position on the couch. "Oh… I was having such a
good dream."
"Come on," said Zelda. "The others wanted
your opinion on how we can escape."
Every Smasher was sitting
around the giant lounge/anteroom to the great Smash Mansion,
accommodation to the Smash Brothers for their tournaments.
"So?"
said Captain Falcon. "Any ideas, Ms Sexy? Oh, and don't I know
you? Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are? I'm a bounty
hunter, baby. Call my number some day. Say, what's a girl like you
doing in a-"
"That's about every line in the book," said
Samus.
"Book? What book?" Falcon feigned innocence.
"The
one that's blocking my view of your face, thankfully," said
Samus. "It says How to win the hearts of tall people."
"Oh,
that book," laughed Falcon. "Heh heh heh. I was just
holding that… for…" he looked to his left- "…Pikachu! Here,
Pikachu, your interesting little book."
"Nobody's falling
for that-a one," laughed Mario, who was performing a little
upside-down dance on the ceiling. "Come again, why-a are we
trapped-a in this place-a?"
"Oh, that," said Roy. "I
remember now, Donkey Kong told us earlier…"
--begin flashback--
Donkey
Kong was walking along the streets in a heavy industrial district of
the nearby town. "Never send an expert shopper to do an ape's
job," he muttered.
Reaching a store which seemed as if it could
well be the one he was looking for, he ducked inside.
"Excuse
me?" he said to a shop assistant. "Is this the 'power tools'
store?"
"No, sorry," said the assistant. "This is the
'tool power' store. We sell basic tools. 'Power Tools' is
just up the road."
"Thanks, ma'am," said DK, ducking out
of the shop (he had had a bad incident with a door frame before).
He
walked along, trying to whistle or somersault or do something
interesting to fill in the thirty five or so words that had to be
written about his passage between that shop and the next.
"Hello,"
he said at the next shop. "Is this 'Power Tools'?"
"No,
sir, this is 'Tower Pools'. We sell high quality tower pools for
those tough occasions where tower is needed. They're very, very
towerful. What you want is that shop just yonder."
Donkey Kong
went over to the next store.
"Hi. Is this 'Power
Tools'?"
"Sorry, miss… I mean mister…" the assistant
looked at the tie. "Mister Duk. This is the 'Power Rangers' fan
festival. They sell power tools just across the road; you'll see
it."
Donkey Kong crossed the road to get to the other
side.
"Morning, is this 'Power Tools'?"
"Nope, this
is 'Jim's Tow-away Service'. Though someone as strong as you
probably won't need our services… take a brochure anyway."
Donkey
Kong walked further along.
"Power Tools?"
"Afraid not,
this is 'Pepscike Dancing Girls Expose'. Would you like a dancing
girl?"
"No thanks," said Donkey Kong, backing away.
"It
comes with a free can of Pepscike!"
"Really, no," said
Donkey Kong, stepping over people as he walked backwards.
"Just
like damsels in distress!"
"Ha! You think I really believe
that? I know a kidnapped Princess when I steal one!"
At the next
shop, DK didn't have much luck either. Or the next. Or the next.
After a couple of hours of searching, he gave up. Gloomily, he headed
for a banana store. "Give me a couple of caffeinated bananas," he
said to the assistant.
"I'm sorry, sir, this is a power tool
shop-"
"NOTHING is going right today!" said Donkey Kong,
throwing the assistant into a fire hydrant. "I'll just have to do
the cutting myself."
When he got back to the Smash Mansion,
Donkey Kong steeled his nerves. "I'll have to do this leaf
removal with my bare hands," he grunted.
"Why are you trying
to get rid of all those leaves?" asked Marth.
"It's autumn,"
explained DK. "They're supposed to fall off."
"Fair
enough," said Marth, walking back to the Mansion.
Donkey Kong
turned his attention back to the guilty tree. "You have way too
many leaves," he chastised.
Grabbing the trunk with his bare
hands, he ripped the tree out by the roots and shook it hard. "Oh
yeah – what a work out!" he said. "This thing must be real
heavy! Woah!"
For a while, he shook the tree vigorously,
checking every so often to see if the leaves were loose.
"Man
this is hard work," he thought.
Looking up, he saw the
leaves floating down to earth together.
"How sweet," he
said.
He looked up again.
Suddenly the leaves didn't look so
serene; they looked like a slowly falling mass of DEADLY DEATH. The
faint rustling sound sounded like a wave of… er… leaves CRUSHING
A CITY AND LEAVING NOTHING IN ITS WAKE.
"Uh oh," said Donkey
Kong.
He made a frantic dash for the front door. The wave of
leaves closed in on him, an even as he was diving through the trees,
through the door, and through Ness to escape them, he could feel a
light touch as they just missed his back.
Billions of leaves
descended upon the Smash Mansion.
All was dark.
Okay, the
electric lights still worked. But if they didn't, then all would be
dark.
--end flashback--
"You
really stuffed that one up, DK," said Ness. "I mean, couldn't
you have at least brought the leaf blower back in here so we could
clean up your mess?"
"It's not my mess," said DK. "You
wanna see my mess? Look at this." He produced a bundle.
"Isn't
that a diaper?" said Zelda. "What does- please excuse me for a
moment."
Zelda calmly walked out of the room before shrieking
and making a mad dash for the nearest lavat- no, no, the nearest
waste bin.
"Well, now that we've established a setting and
all, why don't we all go do our own things?" suggested
Falco.
Everyone went their own way, to perform various tasks, most
of which are mundane, but some of which are funny. As this is a
humour story, Theau Thor decided that these actions should be given
special mention. But first:
Jigglypuff and Pichu watched TV while they ate honey-roasted peanuts. Samus did the dishes.
And now - the funny part.
"Hi, Mario. Hi, Luigi," said Kirby
cheerfully as he walked into the kitchen, licking a green lollipop.
"What are you two doing?"
"We are-a fixing the kitchen
sink," said Mario.
"Yes, the kitchen sink-a," confirmed
Luigi.
"Interesting," said Kirby as he finished off his the
pink lollipop. "What's wrong with it?"
"We're not-a
sure," said Luigi. "That's why we're taking it apart-a, you
know?"
Kirby nodded. "That makes sense, I guess." He bit
deep into the chocolate bar he was holding.
"Yes-a," said
Mario. "It doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong at all."
"Oh,
really?" said Kirby, digging his hand/paw/thing into his popcorn
bag. "Then why take it apart?"
Mario and Luigi looked at each
other darkly. "It is the curse of the Italian plumber," said
Luigi. "We cannot-a walk past anything with a pipe that works well
without taking it apart so that it does-a not."
"The curse of
the Italian plumber?" said Kirby in awe, the rainbow lollipop
dropping out of his hand. "All Italian plumbers?"
"No,
just us Mario brothers," admitted Mario.
"That line was
included so to offend as few people as possible," said Theau
Thor.
"Not a bad-a idea," said Luigi. "But why cannot we
call us, 'the Luigi brothers'?"
"Because I'll pound-a
your face," said Mario, waving a wrench in the air.
"I'd
best be off," said Kirby, licking the refrigerator as he carried it
out. "See you around."
"Bye!" said the Mario brothers as
Kirby left the kitchen.
They continued to dismantle the sink, all
the pipes beneath it, and, as a precaution, the light bulbs in the
vicinity.
Link walked in.
"Hey, Mario, Luigi, I thought that
sink was okay," he said.
"It is," explained Mario.
"Then
why- hey, where's the fridge?"
The three men turned and gaped
at the gaping gap gapping a gap between the kitchen bench and the
poisons shelf.
"Somebody has stolen-a the fridge!" yelled
Mario.
"Who could have done this?" said Link.
Kirby walked
past them, still carrying the fridge.
"Maybe it was-a Kirby,"
suggested Luigi.
"Of course!" said Mario. "The mystery
has been solved by Mario! (1)"
"I'll sound the alarm,"
said Link.
"ATTENTION, EVERYONE," blared Link's voice
through a megaphone. "KIRBY HAS STOLEN THE FRIDGE FROM THE
THIRD-FLOOR KITCHEN. IF YOU SEE KIRBY, BRING HIM AND THE FRIDGE TO
US, ALIVE! YOU CAN KILL KIRBY, THOUGH."
"Ooh, sounds
exciting," said Zelda in a bored tone of voice, holding the
broadsword at bheast height. Correction: chest height.
"You
don't think," said Samus. She sighed. "Okay, you were right,
Zelda. It's impossible."
"Of course it is," said Zelda,
lunging in for the kill. She sliced the mannequin to tatters in
seconds.
"I was so sure, though," moaned Samus bitterly. "I
mean, it doesn't sound hard at all, to apply makeup while wearing
full body armour. But it is so hard."
"Mm-hmm," said Zelda,
firing a machine gun at the mannequin just to be on the safe
side.
She paused. "I thought you were smart, though, Samus. How
on earth did you believe something as stupid as that? You didn't
believe you-know-who?"
"Falcon?"
"No, the other
idiot."
Samus nodded. "I swear I'll go back to making my own
decisions."
"You'd better, or there'll be consequences,"
warned Zelda.
"Yeah…"
They were quiet for a while. The
only sound one could here was the occasional rocket launcher fired at
a dart board.
"That person, though, you don't want to trust,"
said Zelda. "You'll end up stupid, like her."
"Could
someone let my neck out of this noose?" said Peach. "It's
starting to hurt."
"No," said Samus and Zelda
together.
"That's okay," said Peach. "I know! I'll
pretend it's a game!"
She smiled.
"Hello, mister… uh…
uh… uh… pear. Are you here to kidnap me? Ha! I'm hanging from
this rope, so you can't take me away! Super duper kick!"
She
waved her arms and legs a bit.
"I think we should go…
elsewhere," said Samus. "For non-personal reasons."
"Indeed,"
said Zelda. She whispered, "On the count of three. One…
two…"
They fled.
Their footsteps echoed down the hall.
"Ha!
My super good social skills scared them away!" said Peach. "Take
that, evil pear! Peach this! Ha! Hi-yah! Wah! Woah!"
Fox and
Falco leapt from the stairwell to the table in the waiting room. "If
we keep quiet, we should be able to take Kirby by surprise," said
Fox. "I'll take bland purposeless room no. 369. You take empty
room no. 32526. Meet at the main dining room."
They split up and
skulked down the corridors separately.
Fox kicked open the door to
a room and looked around quickly. Although there were a few drug
lords, evil kings and dragon/aliens in the room, there was no sign of
the pink fiend. He closed the door, and moved to the next.
When he
opened the door to the next room, he stopped completely. "You? But-
but-"
"But nothing," said Wolf O'Donnell, smiling. "Don't
even think about it. You try to draw, I blow your head out with this
phaser. If you have one."
"Wha-?" said Fox.
"If you
have a head," laughed Wolf. "Get it? It's a joke!
Because it means you might not have a head for me to blow off! Ha ha
ha…"
Fox quietly closed the door before Wolf noticed and moved
to the next room.
"Nobody here," said the fridge in a high and
squeaky voice. "Just Kir… Kirmy, the talking
fridge."
"Darn it," said Fox. "Okay, next room."
As
soon as he walked out, the fridge scampered out of the room and down
the corridor.
Or was it a fridge?
Duh duh duh… (suspenseful
orchestral riff here)
"Jig jig jig, jig…" hummed
Jigglypuff as she carefully juggled the antique vases while balancing
on an apple. "…jiggly jigglypuff! Jig jig jig, jig… jiggly
jigglypuff!"
Captain Falcon walked in. "Wow! Jigglypuff is
jiggling! Eh… juggling."
The shock of hearing her own name
caused Jigglypuff to trip. The vases went flying for Captain Falcon's
face.
"NOOOOO!" screamed Captain Falcon as they shattered
and split into millions of pieces, causing him a small
scratch.
Voices could be heard from below. "What was that?"
"Did someone break the vases?" "Whoever did it is so
dead…"
Jigglypuff ran off to stare at her reflection, leaving
Captain Falcon alone.
Quickly, he stood up, and made a run for the
back door, but too late – the others burst in.
"Did you break
the vase?" said Popo.
"I think so," said Ganondorf.
"Leave
him alone with me," said Nana, struggling to maintain her
'not-a-bloodsucking-fiend' disguise as she walked over to Captain
Falcon.
The door closed.
"AAAAAARRRRGGGGGH!" screamed
Falcon. "I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WAS THAT PINK THING! JIGGLE! WHA-
what's that? Oh no you don't. Please no. Not the ice axe. I don't
want to die. I want children!
OOOOWWWW-MMMPPHHH-OUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH!"
Peach was still kind of
hanging from the ceiling when the fridge crept through the
room.
"Ooh, a walking fridge!" said Peach
interestedly.
Underneath the fridge, Kirby stopped. "Uh oh,"
he whispered.
"Are you a magic fridge?"
Kirby nodded, and
the fridge moved with him to give the appearance that it was
nodding.
"Wow!" said Peach. "Praise be the animate fridge!
Please cool all my food!"
Somewhat bewildered by this response,
Kirby put down the fridge and made himself known.
Peach gasped.
"Kirby! Are you the manifestation of the Forever Fridge?"
"Uh…
yeah?"
"Wow…" Peach waved her arms and legs a bit. "Are
you here to free me?"
"No… I'm here to… er…
refrigerate stuff… important stuff…"
"Oh, okay!" said
Peach, smiling. "I'll see you around, fridge!"
"Yeah…"
said Kirby, picking up the fridge and heading for the door.
"Bye…"
The fridge crashed into the ceiling, attracting the
attention of everyone upstairs. "Oops," said Kirby, quickly
waddling off before the others arrived.
Peach continued to
hang.
Everyone else burst into the room. "Peach!" shouted Roy.
"Was Kirby here?"
"Kirby was actually the fridge,"
explained Peach knowingly.
"Right. I understand. Perfectly."
Roy turned away, making a weird face and gesturing towards
Peach.
"He's got to be around here somewhere!" shouted Young
Link. "We'll find that fridge yet!"
Nana ran in. "Sorry I
took so long. Who would have thought the old man had so much blood in
him – what are you all doing?"
"We're continuing the
manhunt. Or creampuffhunt. Dreamlanderhunt. Er… fridgehunt," said
Young Link.
"Oh, that's fine. If you find Kirby, can I rip his
eyes out?"
"I wanted to do that," said Zelda bitterly.
"How
about finders keepers?" said Samus.
"You're on!" said Nana
and Zelda. They and Samus rushed out of the room.
The others
stared after them.
"Women," said Fox.
"I'll never
understand females," sighed Peach.
"Right…" said Link.
"That… makes sense…"
Everyone tried to think of something
else.
"I know, let's find and kill Kirby!"
They rioted
their way out of the room.
Kirby knew it was only a matter of
time until the inevitable occurred, and they found him. Trying to
devise a new plan of action, Kirby realised there was only one
sensible option.
Starting up the stairs to the top floor of the
mansion, Kirby moved silently, or as quietly as one could when
carrying a refrigerator that continually bumped itself against the
ceiling.
He stopped at the top and entered the kitchen. The broken
tap sent acid spraying around the walls, but at least nobody had
beaten him here.
Kirby set the fridge back down just as Link,
Zelda and Ganondorf burst in.
"I found him first!" yelled
Zelda, pulling out her soft, gentle, caressing DAGGER.
"It's
a mistake!" yelled Kirby. "I didn't take the fridge!"
"I
saw it missing," said Link suspiciously.
"Well, is it missing
now?"
"No," said Link. "I guess you can't have stolen it
anyway."
"MUST KILL ANYWAY!" shouted Zelda, running for
Kirby, dagger raised.
A jet of acid spewed forth from the tap and
knocked her into a wall, unconscious.
"Thank goodness for the
unconventional plumbing habits of the Mario brothers," said Kirby
solemnly.
"Wait," said Ganondorf. "If the acid leaks through
the ceilings, it might free Peach from the rope!"
"OH NO!"
they all shouted. "WHO WILL SAVE US NOW?"
Wario and Waluigi
burst in, fixed the taps, and left.
"Well, now that that
question's been answered, I'm going to eat some stuff," said
Kirby, finishing off the red lollipop. And with that, he left the
room.
And so the Smashers defeated the evil Crazy Han- wait, wrong chapter. And so the Smashers learned co-operation and that Kirby could never possibly steal a fridge. Ness also discovered how to wear his cap the right way round. And although they were still trapped (and hence there would be more room for future chapters) they at least were happy in the midst of it all.
Now give me money.
Footnotes:
(1) …and Luigi.
If you
find this style of writing vaguely humorous, you may also want to
consider reading my other stories (surprise!). I'd also like to
point out that my brother hoogiman has a couple of decent
humour stories (okay, maybe only one).
Whether you like this story
or not, I would appreciate reviews. I will accept random praise and
constructive criticism, but if you give me a random negative review
with no explanation I will find out where you live eventually. Oh,
and have a nice day! Or night. Or, if you don't follow that system
of time, enjoy life in general. If you aren't alive, I'd
recommend you do something rather than read.
