I started this before Tuesday's episode, in which Annie disgusted me by becoming a totally horrid bitch, and ignoring Joan for the 50 billionth time. Anyways, I would love it if Joan and Annie eventually worked out their issues, and I still hold out hope for good times ahead. I hope you guys enjoy this story, and I find that listening to 'Underwater' by Joshua Radin goes well with the story.. mostly because that's what i wrote it too ;) Please review!


"Annie, please, come in." Joan waved Annie into her office, sitting down on her couch. Annie nodded from the doorway, looking puzzled. She closed Joan's office door and sat next to her. For a moment, Joan just took a deep breath and looked at the young operative in front of her. Cleanly pressed blouse, pencil skirt, kitten heels… Joan saw herself fifteen years ago. Except Annie was stronger than she was.

"Annie, I wanted to talk to you about the ceremony last week."

Annie nodded and tucked a lock of golden hair behind her ear. She masked her guilt and tried to look as neutral as possible. She felt bad that she hadn't told Joan about sharing the intel with Eyal, and that she had a been a bit of a bitch to Joan at the party.

"Yes?"

"When I sad there were other reasons that I kept you from sharing the watch, besides intelligence reasons, I was speaking about something very personal," Joan started out, trying to keep her voice steady. She looked Annie directly in the eyes. "The truth is, when I mentioned falling into a pattern, I was talking about myself."

Annie looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"I was a young operative when I was in Nairobi," Joan admitted. "And I made some mistakes. Big ones." She took another deep breath and continued.

"I don't think you want all the gory details, but I got involved with a spy from a competing agency and it got messy. I started to abuse drugs, and when a colleague found out, he discreetly helped me join a substance abuse group here at the Agency. I started to get better, and he and I became romantically involved. The relationship faded, as did the addiction, and that's when I met Arthur."

Joan stopped and took a breath, watching Annie for her reaction. Annie was shocked. This was a side of Joan she had never seen before.

"I'm sorry, that sounds awful," Annie said gently. She looked at Joan. "Why are you telling me this? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, but..."

"When Lena shot you and Simon, it struck me very hard. And then you were going to go to Russia, and I could sense you going down that slippery slope, where revenge is your only motivation. I thought giving you an active cover and money might help, but then you were captured, and I... I felt as if I had failed you. As much as I hate to say this out loud, I fell back into old habits."

"Are you abusing again?," Annie asked. Her soft tone was a mixture of worry and surprise. Joan nodded.

"Yes. My colleague, the one who helped me get back on my feet years ago, helped me re-enter the program. However, things between us have been getting complicated, and I need a new sponsor."

"Joan, I'm flattered, but why not Arthur?"

Joan sighed. "This place runs so many polygraphs and he is walking a very thin line right now. If I did something to hurt his career…" she broke off and ran her hand through her hair. "For now, he can't know."

Annie nodded. "Well, then I would be happy to be your sponsor. I wish you could tell your husband, though. He cares so much about you."

Joan looked surprised, and Annie smiled softly. "Last week, when I got home, he called me to his office to congratulate me on my safe return. He also told me that while you are shy about emotions, you were very distraught while I was in Russia. I could see in his eyes that your distress effected him, too."

Joan smiled to herself and shook her head slightly. "I love him very much, Annie. He can read me like a book, and the truth is, I'm afraid he thinks I'm having an affair with this former sponsor of mine. I want nothing more than to get better, so I can finally tell him everything."

"Does he know about the first time you were in this group?"

"No. I didn't meet him until about a year after I was out of it," Joan said. She looked at Annie. "I'm sorry, this must be a lot to process."

Annie shook her head. "Don't worry, Joan. I'm glad you told me. But I have something to tell you, and you might not like it."

"Oh?" Joan looked intrigued. Now it was Annie's turn to take a deep breath.

"I shared the intel from the watch with Eyal. I am aware that it was blatant disregard of your orders, but he saved my life, and he is my friend. I know this isn't what you meant by not falling into patterns, but –"

Joan held up her hand and cut Annie off.

"You don't have to explain yourself, it's alright."

"It is?"

"Yes," Joan nodded and smiled kindly at the young operative. "I was being paranoid, and I know he shared intel with you on Simon Fischer. As far as I'm concerned, you made a judgment call that you were qualified to make."

Annie was happily surprised. She looked at her boss, in a black sheath dress, with a tired look in her gray-blue eyes. Annie wished she could do something for her, besides be her sponsor.

"Joan, is there anything I can do for you?"

Joan shook her head. "No, but thank you, Annie. Actually… I think I'm going to go home early today. If Arthur comes looking for me, tell him I'm off campus, at a meeting."

Annie nodded and threw in a salute, to lighten the mood. It worked, because Joan smiled.

"Thanks again, Annie."

xxxx

"Knock, knock."

Joan looked up from her desk and saw Annie, in a red top and black pants, with an encouraging smile on her face. Joan just sighed.

"Ready to go?"

Joan nodded noncommittally and stood up, smoothing her purple sheath dress. She glanced at the picture of her and Arthur that sat on her desk before looking up at Annie again.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

They walked out of the DPD and down the hall silently. Joan hated that the door password was burned into her brain, that she could type it in with her eyes closed, but when they got to the meeting room, she knew they had to go in fast. She typed the code and pulled the door open, Annie following behind her.

The room was plain, unexciting. Brown and blue walls, a circle of gray chairs, and a small table with some pamphlets on drug addiction and alcoholism. Joan sat down quietly and Annie sat next to her, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear and looking around cautiously. Seth entered and Joan avoided eye contact. He sat down a few chairs away from her, at a respectable distance, and gave her the space she needed.

There was no leader of the group, due to the confidentiality of the things they talked about. So it was Socratic, and today, a kind woman names Alison started.

'Thank you all for listening to my story last week. I called my sister and told her everything, including where I actually work, and she's flying out today to come visit."

Everyone clapped for her, and she smiled, then looked at Joan.

"Joan, you didn't share last week. Would you like to go?"

Joan bit her lip, staring at the wall. "Maybe later."

Alison nodded and turned to Annie. "I've never seen you before. What's your name?"

"Annie," Annie said. "Oh, but I'm not... I don't have a…." She fumbled with her words, finally looking over at Joan. "I'm here with Joan."

"Hi, Annie," Alison said, the rest of the group chorusing behind her. Annie blushed.

"Tell us why you are here, Annie."

"Well, Joan is my boss, but she has always looked out for me. And even when we don't agree, I know she is only trying to keep me safe. I just wanted to be here for her, to return the favor. She is a truly amazing woman, and she inspires me."

Joan glanced at Annie and smiled, whispering a "thank you." Annie nodded and smiled back.

Fifteen minutes went by, and a tall man with dark hair named Michael talked out his alcoholism and how he was 4 months sober.

"When my son comes home from college, he'll be proud of me," Michael said with a grin. A few guys clapped him on the back, and he nodded. "I'm feelin' good."

The room was silent for a moment, and then Joan spoke up.

"Congratulations, Michael. Tyler will be so happy."

"Thanks, Joan."

"I'm unfortunately not as lucky as Michael," Joan said slowly. "I was clean for almost 9 years, and then a few weeks ago, I started up again. Painkillers and antidepressants. I've just feel so lonely lately, and I…" she trailed off "… I want to tell my husband, but because of how precarious his job is and the number of polygraphs we get around here, I don't think it would be right."

"But he loves you, Joan," a woman said from the other side of the circle. She had shiny red hair and looked about Annie's age. "Don't you think that he should be your husband first and your boss second?"

Joan nodded. "That's what I've been struggling with. But for now, I have all of you, and I greatly appreciate it."

Everyone clapped for Joan, and she caught Annie's eye. The young operative smiled and reached out to squeeze Joan's hand.

"Thank you," Joan whispered. Annie nodded.

"Anything."