Part I – Fragments of Fear

Becoming a vampire was, of course, the gateway to being with Edward forever. And I wanted that more than anything in the world. Edward was my first choice and I was going to take that first choice with open arms. Right now.

Well, that's what I'd thought until the pain started.

Edward and I had set the "change date" for two days after our wedding. We'd already done the human/vampire sex, multiple times, which was of course, incredible, if not a little cold and stiff (no pun intended). There was nothing to do now except my transformation, my metamorphosis.

No one was holding me back now. Not my parents, not Jacob, not Edward.

Jacob. I hadn't seen him since the time we'd spoken in his bedroom when he was recuperating. I hadn't tried to visit him, and he hadn't come to the wedding. I hadn't cried for Jacob, but I still yearned for him in a way that caused my cheeks to burn in shame. I had Edward – that was surely enough for me, more than enough. But still, knowing that I'd never see Jacob as a human, as an equal again, made me feel a terrible sense of loss. The next time we meet, I'll be a vampire and he'll hate me for that, even if he still loves Bella.

Now as I lay on the bed, looking into Edwards' beautiful gold eyes, all I wanted to think about was being with him for eternity. It's more than any human has ever had. After all, humans have just a few years together, then they grow old, and they die, usually not together. I'd known for a while that I was never going to grow old. I'd never had any real plans beyond the age of 18 anyway, and that was before I even met him. So I guess it was a fine coincidence, or fate, that saw us come together. The aimless teenager with no idea what to do with her life, and the glorious immortal being who could make her just like him and love her for eternity.

It was so perfect, and that's why I never considered that I'd actually think twice of my changing into a vampire. But now I did think about what was going to happen to me, physically. My heart would stop, I'd never be warm, never be frail and vulnerable again. I'd never sleep, or eat, (well not what humans term "food" anyway). The sleep thing I knew I'd miss a lot. I'd always been lazy and I found comfort in sleep. But I found that I missed Edward even when I slept, and what could be so bad with enjoying the night as well as the day? It's not like I'd get tired… As well, the idea of having children never grabbed me much either, so at least at the moment, that wasn't a problem. The main thing was, I didn't want to grow old, I didn't want to lose Edward, and I didn't want to die. Becoming a vampire fixed everything, and now that Edward was ready to do this, it was time to change, time to leave behind the old Bella and morph into the new. And I'd be pretty Bella, not plain human Bella, who, despite Edward's assurances, never could quite grasp what he found so amazing about me.

I braced myself, looked into Edwards's god-like face, and felt assurance wash over me. I knew it was right. I nodded, but for the moment Edward was looking at me in such an intense way, I thought he'd cry. I could see the plea in his eye, the pity. This was my very last chance, his golden eyes were telling me. My very last chance to reconsider, to stay human. This was it.

Fear crawled into me then, panic choked me a little, but I managed to stay calm and keep my reason. I stared at him, into his questioning gaze, and whispered "yes" before I lost my nerve. Edward let out a long sigh – whether in relief or disappointment I couldn't tell, maybe both – and took my hand in his cold fingers.

His fingertips traced cold patterns along my palm, wrist, fingers, but I wanted Edward to hurry up now, before I got cold feet, and so I impatiently lifted my hand from his grasp and pressed it to his lips. I stared at him, hard. Do it now, I willed him with my eyes, and knew I must have looked like a frantic, cornered animal, pleading for the bullet to put it out of its misery. Edward understood, and then, quickly, he opened my palm up against his lips and kissed it - sharply.

At first it was just the light breaking of my skin, nothing too painful. And then I felt Edwards's body shudder as my blood – hot and wet – trickled down my wrist.

By now I was scared, oh boy I was scared. This was it, my last moments of being human, my last moments of flesh and blood and softness. For the moment I didn't feel a thing, I was more numb than anything. I saw blood and vampire venom on Edwards's lips, and that did worry me, though I tried not to show it. I didn't want to make it any harder for Edward either. I didn't just think of myself.

I brought a rallying smile to my stiff face and tried to sound brave. "This is it," I said with a betraying tremor in my voice, and my nerve slipped again. "Edward," I whispered huskily, my breath hitching in my throat, "Edward, I love you… I'm scared." I finished pitifully, tears burning my eyes and I realised with a jolt that soon they'd be gone forever too. Edward leaned over and kissed my forehead. His face was strained as he lifted his head. I could tell that he wasn't looking forward to the next bit.

"If I could go through this for you Bella, I would. A thousand times over, if it were necessary." Edward stroked my face with his chilly fingertips. I watched him breathe in my scent, possibly for the last time. "I love you too, gorgeous – you'll be fine, I'm right here for you."

And then I could feel it begin. It was gentle at first, a tingling sensation in my forearm. The venom felt soft and slow, not painful in the slightest. But Edward gripped my hand then, his face contorting as if he felt the venom himself, and kissed my trembling warm human mouth in a way that scared me. It seemed like it was almost a goodbye kiss.

"I'm so sorry, Bella" he whispered in a choked voice, and any optimism I had before died abruptly. I breathed in one last time.