My December
By Mimiteh
Author's note: I wrote this on a whim as I was inspired while listening to the song "My December" by Linkin Park. It just kind of came to me. I'm not sure at the moment if it is finished or a work in progress. And why Leah? Well, I kind of feel like she is a kindred spirit in some ways, or at least I can identify with the heartbreak she feels over Sam.
Feedback is appreciated. Let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from the Twilight series. No copyright is intended.
…and
I'd give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give
it all away
to have someone to come home to…
--Linkin Park
Leah Clearwater. The name sounded strange and foreign, like it no longer belonged to me. It reminded me of a place and a time that no longer existed, of a girl who no longer existed. She was washed away by the never ending rain and only an unrecognizable shell remained in her place. Now she was known by her new name.
Harpy. Bitter…little…harpy. The words replayed in my head over and over like a broken record, and I can't get the needle off the track. That's what everyone thought of me now. Broken. Bitter. Beyond repair. Hopeless.
I can even see the edge of resentment in Sam and Emily's eyes, but their guilt always seems to override it. No, guilt doesn't even seem like the right word anymore, more like pity.
Pity. A four letter word that makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl, one that I seem to fully embody the definition of in everyone's eyes. It's like a bright light that forces me to close my eyes and look away or nails clawing a chalkboard making me shudder in disgust.
My life has fallen apart. I often wondered when the exact moment was that it all seemed to slip from my fingers, when the earth seemed to split open, ready to swallow me whole. It's hard to tell really, all I can remember was the pain of my heart feeling like it was ripped from its chest. It was like being autopsied while I was still breathing.
I used to think that some cosmic force had pulled my life apart at the seams. I used to think that someone else was to blame. Now I realize that Sam and Emily were meant to be brought together by some cosmic force, whatever it is. Fate? Soulmates? Even in my bitterness and resentment, I couldn't deny that. But it doesn't matter, the knowledge still doesn't ease the burning emptiness that I feel swell through my body with every look the give each other.
No. This cosmic force only ripped my blissful ignorance and safe existence apart at the seams and left the fabric of my life tattered at my feet. But I am not so entirely delusional to believe that I hold no blame for the current state of this…this purgatory I inhabit.
Is it possible to have a choice, to have control play a role if things are predestined? I don't really know anymore, but believing that seems be the only thing that begins to make sense in this muck.
You've got to take responsibility for your actions as my father always said. That, I have come to realize is the hardest choice in all of this, take responsibility for where I've gone wrong, for what I've done wrong. Taking responsibility means that I've got to welcome change, knowing I have to let go when there is no net to catch me. I have to let go of Sam.
