Here is the Dawn.
It surprised her that she felt no sense of shame. Susan found that she could put Narnia away from her, sever ties, and forget the weight of the crown on her brow and feel nothing but a vague sense of relief. She forgot Narnia. She stopped being Queen Susan the Gentle and became Susan Pevensie again.
"And," she thought, "If Aslan doesn't want me in Narnia then I shall dwell in Narnia no more. You've a life, dear girl. There was a whole life ahead of you that would have happened if Narnia hadn't come along. That life is yours again, and no one else's."
Her siblings expressed only confusion and pity at her choice, Lucy especially. "Oh, Sue! How could you?" became an oft-repeated lament. Lucy would look at her with wide, wet eyes that made Susan's teeth itch.
She could not explain to them the freedom she found in being just a girl instead of queen of Narnia, of how she fought and clawed her way to acceptance after Aslan had said she could never again return to the land she'd once ruled. Susan had seen what leaving Narnia had done to Peter. He had been High King of Narnia, had ruled above them all. The heaviest decisions were always made by him. He had left something of himself in Narnia, and now he could never again reclaim it. Susan would not allow that to happen to her. She had forced herself to function, to live after that sudden, shattering blow. And she had surprised herself by not only surviving, but by actually learning to enjoy her new life, to revel in it and to truly move on.
There were moments when she would remember hunting parties and court dances, grand feasts and diplomatic balls, the feel of rich velvet and cool silk under her fingers. On those days she'd buy herself a pretty new dress or a box of fine chocolates. After a while she found that she bought pretty dresses for the sheer feminine satisfaction of it, she only bought chocolate when she felt a craving for it.
During the accident, Susan had been truly believed she was going to die. Afterwards, she had clung to life with teeth and nails, battling to claim back her body the way she had battled for her sanity, her life after her final departure from Narnia. Her sibling's deaths affected her, but not as much as they could have. She knew they'd gone back to Aslan, that Peter and Lu and Ed were there again, and happy, and that Peter's eyed would have lost their longing. They had wanted to go back, but she hadn't. She had fought for her life and won it, though the battle had been excruciating. Her left leg had been broken in three places, her arm in four. Ribs had been broken, and a head injury sustained. She would always walk with a limp, and her bones could feel the rain coming. There would always be twinges and pains. Susan though of them as the high cost of living.
Narnia didn't want or need her anymore, and her life was in front of her like a ruby glowing in the sun. There were dances, and nylons, and boys. There was life, and she refused to feel guilty about living it at all. There were better things to be than a queen.
the title is taken from Leonard Cohen's Here It Is. Be kind. Review.
