**I don't own
Rurouni Kenshin or its characters. Anything that's bold is being read from Misao's journal. Hope you enjoy the story ^_^
Her Journal
Aoshi
came upon a small leather bound book in the far corner of the temple. The tiny volume looked as though it were
left accidentally by a visitor. However
upon closer inspection he noted that Misao's handwriting graced the cover. "Journal" was written neatly in small print
in the bottom left hand corner. It was
then that he realized it was the very same journal he gave to her for her
seventeenth birthday.
"That was three years ago," he thought.
He
couldn't believe she was still using it. He fought the curious urge to open it and read. He was too well trained to give into such
things, but still…she had been seeing a few suitors recently. Out of concern for her well being, perhaps
he should read a few of the more recent passages to be on the safe side. After all it would just be brotherly concern
and nothing more. What else would drive
him to read the diary of a young woman? He blindly chose a page and started to read.
….. Sorry I haven't
written in a while. I just feel the
need to get this off of my chest. I'm
just so frustrated. It drives me
insane. He's still so quiet after all
of this time. He still barely says two
words to me all day. Does he think I'm
going to forever bring him dinner every night as he meditates at the temple? I'm not going to keep going with this
subservient Misao-chan thing for much longer. I'm well passed marrying age and I can't keep waiting for
him. Even Kaoru-chan is married now and
Himura is as dense as they come in matters of the heart. I wish he would love me the way Himura loves
Kaoru.
Aoshi's eyes went wide in shock. She was writing about him? She still loved him after all this time. Perhaps it had grown passed girlish fancy. When he had first given her this journal, he knew of her feelings, but dismissed them as nothing more than puppy love. He thought it would fade over time. Nowadays she showed no outward signs of being interested in him anymore so he thought that she had moved on. He didn't realize how wrong he was.
Aoshi-sama. You would be the only one that could love me
completely. You'd be the only one that
could understand all of my facades. The
suitors I have now would never be able to love all that I am, and would more
than likely be put off by my skill as a ninja. I need someone who can understand and love my true self and that person
is you.
You probably have no
idea how much I have cried over you. You meditate alone isolating yourself from everyone, creating your own
private hell. Don't you see that
sometimes being alone with your thoughts can be a torturous experience in
itself? Why do you do that to yourself? I know that you blame yourself for the loss
of our brethren. I just want to help
you. Let me love you Aoshi-sama. Let me help to heal your wounds. I want to see you smile just once. A real genuine smile that shows the warmth I
know you have deep inside of you. I
just don't have the courage to say such things to him. I wish I did.
She
didn't have any idea how much he really did love her, all of her. He understood his feelings well enough, but
because of the thick walls he built around himself, she would never know the
truth. Whenever she came near him his
heart called out for her love, but before allowing his composure to break he
would flee to the temple, back into isolation. He had to meditate for an extended period of time to push his forbidden
feelings back into the prison he created for them in his heart.
It
wasn't just the fact that he still felt responsible for the deaths of Hanya,
Beshimi, Shikijo, and Hyottoko, that he locked himself away from her. He had grown to accept that loss and the
burden that it put on his soul. The
biggest reason for refusing to allow her to love him was simply that he didn't
want to corrupt her. He had so much
blood on his hands and he didn't want to stain her with it. Besides he promised her father, the former
Okashira, that he would watch over and protect Misao, which means he must also
protect her from himself. He had
already failed Misao's father when he left for Tokyo and he had failed Misao as
well, in countless ways. The least he
could do was protect her from himself.
He had
to admit he was still surprised that she could still see things with such
optimism. She had lived a lifetime in
just a few years as a warrior in the Oniwabanshu and yet she still maintained
that youthful innocence filled with her love and enthusiasm for life. He no longer possessed such an innocent view
of the world or life. He lost that a
long time ago.
Well, anyway I guess I
should switch gears a bit. I met a boy
about a week ago. His name is Tetsuya
and he's rather handsome. He also
practices kendo so I guess it's a start. I've gone into the city with him three times and had a pretty good time. He rather shy, but he's also very
sweet.
A
boy? That caught his attention. What kind of boy was this Tetsuya and what
are his intentions?
Jiya and Okon were
making fun of me after the third date because I came home with flowers. I don't see what the big deal is. He gave me a few flowers, not an engagement
ring. Before I knew it Jiya was saying
stupid things like, "My sweet angel Misao-chan is all grown up." Silly old man. I admit it was sweet of Tetsuya to bring me flowers, but still,
those guys could calm down a little.
After that Okon and Omasu decided to drag me
off to my room and do you know what they wanted to talk to me about? They wanted to make sure I knew all there
was to know about sex and the worst thing about it was how brutally honest they
were about everything. I swear I could
have screamed right then and there. I
don't plan on giving my innocence away until I'm married! Yeesh! If I wanted to have a conversation about sex I would have gone to
Kaoru-chan. At least she would have
been a bit more reserved in what she would tell me. After the scariest woman-to-woman talk on the face of the earth
they decided to dress me up like a doll. I had to try on about fifty different kimonos before they gave me one
that I liked. They said I had to look
pretty when Tetsuya comes to take me to the festival at the end of the
summer. I guess that makes a little bit
of sense.
Okon
and Omasu. They were lucky he couldn't
do anything about this. If he did it
would reveal to everyone that he read Misao's journal. Of all the stupid things to do. Why give her such a talk when she barely knows
the boy yet?
Yesterday I missed
giving Aoshi-sama his dinner at the temple. I got home late because I went out to meet Tetsuya again. I'm sure it made no difference to
Aoshi-sama, but I felt bad because it's usually the only time I really see him all
day.
He
felt a pang of jealousy when he read that. So that boy was the one responsible for keeping Misao from bringing
dinner to the temple. It didn't matter
to him whether he received dinner or not, but he missed Misao. He missed her perky greeting and the
frustration that emanated from her when he barely acknowledged her
presence. The look on her face was
almost enough to make him smile. He
flipped forward a few pages to see if there was anything else of
significance. The last page caught his
eye because the words were smudged. It
was dated the day before and it seemed strange that Misao's neatness was
disrupted in such a way.
It's been a few weeks
hasn't it? Today was the last I saw of
Tetsuya. His parents arranged a
marriage for him and he didn't find out about it until just recently. He apologized so much and I tried my best to
make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, but inside a hurt me a lot.
By
this point the words were becoming blurred and he squinted to read the
rest. It was then that he realized her
tears smudged the words.
Now I have to go back to
being lonely. All around me I see happy
couples, yet in my desperate little world, that kind of happiness doesn't seem
like it will ever be real. Will there
ever be anyone who will…..
That
was it, he could decipher anymore, but what he read was enough to send his
heart into twisted agony. She was
hurting so bad and he was just sitting in here doing nothing to ease that pain. His mind and his heart waged war on each
other. He wanted to badly to find her
and comfort her. He was dying to
confess how much he really did love her, but his mind kept advising against
it. The war between emotion and reason,
his mind had lost as he remembered how she mentioned her loneliness. He decided then to go comfort her and end
his self-torture. Before he could do
anything however, he felt a presence behind him. Misao's presence. As he
turned around he forgot that he had her journal in his hands and it was indeed
open for the world to see.
She
looked at him for a moment and then noticed the tiny book in his hand. Surprise, shock, worry, anger, sadness. All of those emotions melded together to
form a distraught expression. Before he
could stop her, she ran out of the temple with tears streaming down her
face. Before he could comprehend what
was going on or what to do next, he found himself running after her.
**I suppose there will be a confrontation next. I haven't worked that part out yet. Thanks for reading.
