**I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or its characters. Anything that's bold is being read from Misao's journal. Hope you enjoy the story ^_^

Her Journal

Aoshi came upon a small leather bound book in the far corner of the temple. The tiny volume looked as though it were left accidentally by a visitor. However upon closer inspection he noted that Misao's handwriting graced the cover. "Journal" was written neatly in small print in the bottom left hand corner. It was then that he realized it was the very same journal he gave to her for her seventeenth birthday.

"That was three years ago," he thought.

He couldn't believe she was still using it. He fought the curious urge to open it and read. He was too well trained to give into such things, but still…she had been seeing a few suitors recently. Out of concern for her well being, perhaps he should read a few of the more recent passages to be on the safe side. After all it would just be brotherly concern and nothing more. What else would drive him to read the diary of a young woman? He blindly chose a page and started to read.

….. Sorry I haven't written in a while. I just feel the need to get this off of my chest. I'm just so frustrated. It drives me insane. He's still so quiet after all of this time. He still barely says two words to me all day. Does he think I'm going to forever bring him dinner every night as he meditates at the temple? I'm not going to keep going with this subservient Misao-chan thing for much longer. I'm well passed marrying age and I can't keep waiting for him. Even Kaoru-chan is married now and Himura is as dense as they come in matters of the heart. I wish he would love me the way Himura loves Kaoru.

Aoshi's eyes went wide in shock. She was writing about him? She still loved him after all this time. Perhaps it had grown passed girlish fancy. When he had first given her this journal, he knew of her feelings, but dismissed them as nothing more than puppy love. He thought it would fade over time. Nowadays she showed no outward signs of being interested in him anymore so he thought that she had moved on. He didn't realize how wrong he was.

Aoshi-sama. You would be the only one that could love me completely. You'd be the only one that could understand all of my facades. The suitors I have now would never be able to love all that I am, and would more than likely be put off by my skill as a ninja. I need someone who can understand and love my true self and that person is you.

You probably have no idea how much I have cried over you. You meditate alone isolating yourself from everyone, creating your own private hell. Don't you see that sometimes being alone with your thoughts can be a torturous experience in itself? Why do you do that to yourself? I know that you blame yourself for the loss of our brethren. I just want to help you. Let me love you Aoshi-sama. Let me help to heal your wounds. I want to see you smile just once. A real genuine smile that shows the warmth I know you have deep inside of you. I just don't have the courage to say such things to him. I wish I did.

She didn't have any idea how much he really did love her, all of her. He understood his feelings well enough, but because of the thick walls he built around himself, she would never know the truth. Whenever she came near him his heart called out for her love, but before allowing his composure to break he would flee to the temple, back into isolation. He had to meditate for an extended period of time to push his forbidden feelings back into the prison he created for them in his heart.

It wasn't just the fact that he still felt responsible for the deaths of Hanya, Beshimi, Shikijo, and Hyottoko, that he locked himself away from her. He had grown to accept that loss and the burden that it put on his soul. The biggest reason for refusing to allow her to love him was simply that he didn't want to corrupt her. He had so much blood on his hands and he didn't want to stain her with it. Besides he promised her father, the former Okashira, that he would watch over and protect Misao, which means he must also protect her from himself. He had already failed Misao's father when he left for Tokyo and he had failed Misao as well, in countless ways. The least he could do was protect her from himself.

He had to admit he was still surprised that she could still see things with such optimism. She had lived a lifetime in just a few years as a warrior in the Oniwabanshu and yet she still maintained that youthful innocence filled with her love and enthusiasm for life. He no longer possessed such an innocent view of the world or life. He lost that a long time ago.

Well, anyway I guess I should switch gears a bit. I met a boy about a week ago. His name is Tetsuya and he's rather handsome. He also practices kendo so I guess it's a start. I've gone into the city with him three times and had a pretty good time. He rather shy, but he's also very sweet.

A boy? That caught his attention. What kind of boy was this Tetsuya and what are his intentions?

Jiya and Okon were making fun of me after the third date because I came home with flowers. I don't see what the big deal is. He gave me a few flowers, not an engagement ring. Before I knew it Jiya was saying stupid things like, "My sweet angel Misao-chan is all grown up." Silly old man. I admit it was sweet of Tetsuya to bring me flowers, but still, those guys could calm down a little.

After that Okon and Omasu decided to drag me off to my room and do you know what they wanted to talk to me about? They wanted to make sure I knew all there was to know about sex and the worst thing about it was how brutally honest they were about everything. I swear I could have screamed right then and there. I don't plan on giving my innocence away until I'm married! Yeesh! If I wanted to have a conversation about sex I would have gone to Kaoru-chan. At least she would have been a bit more reserved in what she would tell me. After the scariest woman-to-woman talk on the face of the earth they decided to dress me up like a doll. I had to try on about fifty different kimonos before they gave me one that I liked. They said I had to look pretty when Tetsuya comes to take me to the festival at the end of the summer. I guess that makes a little bit of sense.

Okon and Omasu. They were lucky he couldn't do anything about this. If he did it would reveal to everyone that he read Misao's journal. Of all the stupid things to do. Why give her such a talk when she barely knows the boy yet?

Yesterday I missed giving Aoshi-sama his dinner at the temple. I got home late because I went out to meet Tetsuya again. I'm sure it made no difference to Aoshi-sama, but I felt bad because it's usually the only time I really see him all day.

He felt a pang of jealousy when he read that. So that boy was the one responsible for keeping Misao from bringing dinner to the temple. It didn't matter to him whether he received dinner or not, but he missed Misao. He missed her perky greeting and the frustration that emanated from her when he barely acknowledged her presence. The look on her face was almost enough to make him smile. He flipped forward a few pages to see if there was anything else of significance. The last page caught his eye because the words were smudged. It was dated the day before and it seemed strange that Misao's neatness was disrupted in such a way.

It's been a few weeks hasn't it? Today was the last I saw of Tetsuya. His parents arranged a marriage for him and he didn't find out about it until just recently. He apologized so much and I tried my best to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, but inside a hurt me a lot.

By this point the words were becoming blurred and he squinted to read the rest. It was then that he realized her tears smudged the words.

Now I have to go back to being lonely. All around me I see happy couples, yet in my desperate little world, that kind of happiness doesn't seem like it will ever be real. Will there ever be anyone who will…..

That was it, he could decipher anymore, but what he read was enough to send his heart into twisted agony. She was hurting so bad and he was just sitting in here doing nothing to ease that pain. His mind and his heart waged war on each other. He wanted to badly to find her and comfort her. He was dying to confess how much he really did love her, but his mind kept advising against it. The war between emotion and reason, his mind had lost as he remembered how she mentioned her loneliness. He decided then to go comfort her and end his self-torture. Before he could do anything however, he felt a presence behind him. Misao's presence. As he turned around he forgot that he had her journal in his hands and it was indeed open for the world to see.

She looked at him for a moment and then noticed the tiny book in his hand. Surprise, shock, worry, anger, sadness. All of those emotions melded together to form a distraught expression. Before he could stop her, she ran out of the temple with tears streaming down her face. Before he could comprehend what was going on or what to do next, he found himself running after her.

**I suppose there will be a confrontation next. I haven't worked that part out yet. Thanks for reading.