Chapter 1: Stricken.
a/n Kind of an Altered Universe here in this story. It came to my mind at the oddest moment defin
worth the read.
She kept on living her life
in the room where he had last been.
Sometimes her
mind played tricks on her and she kept hearing
his
voice. His scent still lingered in every corner of
this
apartment. His clothes hung in the closets. She
slept in
his bed, ate with his knife and fork, drank
out of his cup.
It was like he had never left. She
kept on dreaming that he
would walk through the door
at any moment. She knew that
it wasn't possible. But
still she clung to that dream.
She lived like the
ghost she was: only half alive.
She wore his
clothes, just be close to him. Sometimes she
found
herself speaking to him. Everywhere she turned his
face
was before her. She welcomed him with a smile,
wanting the
company of his memory. When she gave
herself to the night
she prayed that God would send
her to him. But he wasn't
listening. Every time she
opened her eyes and saw the morning
light her heart
ached. She resented God for keeping her on
this earth
when her only love was so far away.
He moved
slowly, not wanting to intrude in her world. Her
face
wore the marks of sorrow and her eyes were
painted black with
pain. His heart ached for her. His
arms longed to hold her.
But he feared rejection. He
wasn't the man she wanted to be
held by and that
hurt. Sometimes he wished that he could
reach inside
her heart and take away all the sorrow that kept
it
down. But he knew that he wasn't the man to break the
chains of sorrow that kept her heart down. She had
to
walk that path alone. He knew about sorrow. He
knew all to
well about the pain that can cloud your
mind so totally that
you can't breathe. He knew about
the desperation of finding
the answer to why. But he
knew that the search for an answer
would lead you
nowhere. As he stood by her side he prayed
that the
passing of time would mend her heart and bring
her
closer to him.
She wanted the pain. She
deserved it. Sometimes when she left
the apartment
she felt guilty for leaving him behind. The sun
no
longer warmed her face. The world had turned black in
a
instance. She was still amazed that the world was
still
standing. Don't they know that he's dead?
Her
lips still longed for his. Her arms still longed for
his
embrace. She wanted to hold him. She wanted to
feel him close.
Just for a moment. Maybe then she
would be fine. Maybe then
her heart could start
beating again. But her prayers remained
unheard.
He
found her by the window. His heart trembled a bit
when
he saw her reflection in the window. She looked
so lonely.
He moved towards her, wanting to say
something. He wanted to
do something. He wanted to
find the right words to ease her
pain. But he knew
all those words would just seem shallow.
So he just
stood there, waiting for her to move.
She knew he was
there but she didn't know why he had come.
She wanted
to turn around and ask him to leave but she
couldn't
bring herself to push him away. She felt safe
knowing
that he was there.
His hands tremble as
he reached out and touched her.
- Please, let me
hold you.
She wanted to slip from his hand. She
wanted to push him away.
She didn't want his
sympathy. But her need to be held won
over her sense
of pride. She moved into his arms and let her
head
settle against his chest. No words were spoken. He
wrapped
his strong arms around her and she felt so
safe. She stood
there her feeling the warmth of his
body against her own. The
beating of his heart calmed
her a bit.
- Please, talk to me, Jude.
How can
you put sorrow into words? How can you describe the
pain that eats at your heart? How can you describe
the longing
your soul feels?
- I can't. I feel so
dead inside. I can't breathe. When I try
I feel like
my whole heart is going to explode. I want him
back.
She was crying now. She pressed her face
against his chest as
the flood of pain hit her again
and again.
He wanted so desperately to tell her that
she would be fine one
day and there was a light in
the darkness. But he knew it
wasn't the right thing
to do. He wanted just to hold her while
was crying.
-
I will never hear his laughter. I will never feel the
warmth
of his hand in mine. I will never feel his
arms around me
again. Never again. How can I live
like that? How can I go
on knowing that. I will never
see him again.
- Yes, you will and you have to
believe that.
- I have stopped believing. I stopped
believing the day he
went away.
She broke away
from his arms and stumbled backwards.
- He wouldn't
like to see you like this. You have to let him
go.
-
Give me your hand.
He gave it with out hesitation.
She placed it over her heart
and said:
- Can you
feel it? Can you feel it? My heart is
shattered.
He
closed his eyes and whispered:
- Please, Jude. You
have to let him go, otherwise it will
kill you.
-
Let death come. I embrace it.
- Don't say that.
-
I can't take this pain any longer, I'm so tired of
feeling like this. I feel so empty. I feel so
lost.
- I'm here for you, Jude. Let me help you.
-
I wish you could but you can't.
She turned away from
him and whispered:
- Please, go.
- Please, let me
stay with you.
- No, I need to be alone right
now.
He stood there for a while searching for the
right words but
found nothing. He knew he had to let
her go. As he turned
around and walked out of the
door he prayed that she one day
would find her way
back to him.
She listened as his footsteps died
away. He was gone. She was
already missing him. But
she knew she had to be alone with
her memories. She
feared that her memories started to fade
already. She
wanted to cling to them, lock them up in a safe
place.
She feared that the memory of him started to fade.
What
would happen when she couldn't remember the colour of
his
eyes? Or the feel of his lips against hers? Can
memories fade?
She wanted to freeze time, fearing
that the passing of time
would make her memory
blurry.
She would never feel his arms around her
again. She would
never be able to touch him again.
She was completely alone.
She closed her eyes and
tasted those words.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
